Semi-successful Willpower Fapstronaut - Coming in from the Cold

Hi guys

I've been experimenting with nofap now for about two years. My longest stretch was about 300 days until I relapsed in spectacular style. I managed a couple of stints since then but haven't managed to retain the magic.

I tried everything to bolster my efforts. Meditation, hitting the gym, yoga, reading motivational books etc. but somehow, recently, I've felt the pull more and more back to porn and masturbation. I've just started a super intense new job as a pupil barrister. It is like a year long job interview with long hours, constant appraisals and judgment and the nagging fear that you're fucking up royally. I think it's that increased stress and pressure that is making the fapping seem like a better possibility.

The reason I stopped using porn and masturbating (but mainly abstaining from porn) is because my wife absolutely hated it. She told me it really hurt her and it made her upset that I was choosing wanking off in some toilet somewhere to tiny pictures and videos on my phone rather than her. She is smoking hot and incredible in the bedroom too. Why the fuck was I so pulled towards porn?

After loads of fights, me telling her that she was stupid and pathetic, that all men do it, that it was my right as a man to do it, that there was nothing wrong with it, that I would just keep doing it and she would have to get used to it, I started taking notice. When I was at my worst I was also engaging in massive flirtations with other women (thankfully, for the grace of god, no cheating - that would've been my marriage over, no doubt), regularly fantasizing about random reasonably attractive people I met, or saw, in the world, and generally just been so sexually focussed that I was incapable of seeing women as anything other than sexual objects.

Eventually, we had a massive fight and I let everything out. It went on for about two weeks. That was the level of shit I was burying deep in my mind. When I finally broke through the barrier I literally vomitted and had a panic attack. It was my breakthrough.

It was from then that I decided to stop using porn. It was hard at first and I had to be wary of every single thought I had because I was so used to fantasizing about pretty much everything I saw. But eventually I got better and got up to 300 or so days.

It was from this point that I could never really get back my mojo. I found myself 'just looking' at porn without masturbating but managing to stop myself before 'anything happened'. I managed to avoid facing it for a while but yesterday, whilst I was away in London without my wife, in a shitty hostel room, lonely, sad, on my birthday, that I looked up porn and masturbated myself to sleep. Then I was woken up about 3 hours later by the loud-as-fuck neighbours in the next room so I turned on the TV and watched the live cam-girl channel, masturbated and fell asleep.

That was a shitty nights sleep and I vividly dreamt that my wife had been cheating on me with multiple guys for years and when I found out she was horrible to me about it. Saying I liked all that stuff in porn (I currently have a thing for 'hot wife caption gifs' and that was what I looked up for my first wank of the evening) and that I should expect it.

I woke up so fucking horribly anxious at 5am and immediately texted her telling her everything I did. She told me to actually reach out and get help from a community of people who struggle with the same stuff I do. So here I am. I am finally ready to come in from the cold of my own willpower alone and lean into the nofap community.

Even as I write this I am not convinced. That scares me. I am not convinced that I can do it. I am not convinced anybody is going to be bothered to read this super long, train-of-thought, verbal diarrhoea, nofap confession. But I am so hopeful that someone will. I'm looking for an accountability partner, I've already posted for that. But even without that I need something other than myself to keep me on the straight and narrow.

I know how good it feels to be riding the nofap train strong. Wind blowing through my hair. Feeling awesome and in control. Feeling like nothing could stop me. I want to feel like that all the time. But I know now that I can only do that if I am part of something greater than myself. The community.

I really hope you guys can help and I really hope I can help you. I am ready for it.

Nelsonator

 

Thank you, sir. I appreciate it. Hang in there yourself!