Separating The Addict From My Husband

@TryingToHeal have you ever done things that were against your values? Did you ever do something to hurt someone? (You don't have to answer here, just in your head).

Now, was that the "real" you (aka your real values, desires, etc.)? Or was that the "shadow" you? The you that follows impulses?

I can go with another psych reference. If you know Freud, who came up with the defense mechanisms, you might know of Id, Ego, and Superego.

Those are the three parts of us - Id is impulse and instinct, Ego is reality, and Superego is Morality.

When I think about Jak (which I actually wrote a personality paper on him after DDay so I was really trying to figure him out) I like to think about Id, Ego and Superego.

Addicts have too much Id and not enough Ego and Superego. Id (instinct/impulses) seem to rule the person, rather than Ego (reality) and Superego (morality).

So When I look at Jak and his behaviors, sometimes I see him in those three aspects.

Like last night there was a huge snow storm in CT. Jak and his car addiction...well I was worried. He loves driving in the snow, doing handbrake turns and all crazy shit. So he wanted to go out into the snow driving, he said just to see if his beetle drives well in a lot of snow. He was like a child last night, begging me to go out, trying to have any excuse to leave the house. I was thinking, this is addict Jak (even though he said it wasn't), but I was thinking, okay, I have Id in front of me, not Jak. I am talking to impulses right now, and there is no way to work with that.

More on Id, Superego and Ego: https://www.simplypsychology.org/psyche.html


Does any of that help?

 

In my real-life men's group .. the CSAT therapist uses that term -- we are asking our 'inner addict' questions / we have homework assignments to write our 'inner addict' a letter / etc.

I think that DOES make a lot of sense for us .. the PA. And, I have found it helpful--others have as well.

..

But, you're right -- how does an SO really/truly understand it? It's almost like you have to _be_ the PA to understand it. Back to my analogy..I can never understanding how someone can be a fake, hidden-alcoholic for most of their life (last month, I had an older friend take me to coffee and admit that he's been an alcoholic for 30+ years; he started AA in December; etc.)---I will never, personally, understand how that is possible...he is not a super close friend or anything--so it doesn't tear me up inside or anything.

Anyway, hope that is somehow helpful?

 

maybe stop trying to separate them.
Because here is the thing....you are right. it was the same exact person that did those horrible things to you, your family , your relationship. Its not like all of a sudden he is a different person. no one went into witness protection.

Maybe you need to try to accept that even though the addiction may never fully go away, he is working to fix it.
Now you may think everything i am about to say is out of line and mean but i do not mean it that way.
he is not your parents. (now i don't know your parents so i am only basing my opinion off this thread.) but he is trying to heal unlike your parents. He cares enough to try.
criminals can learn their lessons and be truly sorry for what they have done and change their life around. the stigma of their crime will be with them forever but they can change.
the reason i say try taking that route instead is; just because everyone says separating them will make is easier to heal does not mean it will work for you.

many people turn to religion to help them through this. ( i choose not too, not because i don't have faith but because i don't feel that i should rely on it to help me through this)

I am sorry if i offended anyone, it was not my intention.
just throwing an idea out there

 

Those are great thoughts/perspectives on this!! Thanks @SpouseofPA.

 

I can say it was very hard to see it as separate until I found myself in a safe enough place to start trusting again.
Thinking back I guess I had change my perspective on him (compartmentalizations I guess, maybe), the feeling and believing he is like two different people to be able to so, to feel comfortable to start trusting him and be able to trust myself in reacting to my boundaries if he crosses them again. If he cheats again I’m leaving, him cheating is significant to the other guy, I won’t be married to “the other guy”.

I hope this makes sense, still waking up with a headache.

 

This is soooo my husband too. Sometimes he is just like a child, doing dangerous or stupid stuff, not thinking about the consequences and it scares me. His "id" is front and foremost and I want more of the ego and super ego...

 

My husband is the most calculated and logical person when it comes to any choices that affect out family. That is what makes his choice to use when he thinks he can get away with it, even when he has the thought that he might loose his family, his house, and he still does it such a hard pill to swallow.

However, he has also stated repeatedly that he does Not want to be trusted not to go back to porn. I think he thinks he needs to always be held accountable for everything he views on the internet. I kind of hate reviewing his history, as I have always been super pro privacy. However, I hate it less than another relapse.
I also just don't know what to do as my boys are getting older. Surely they will need internet access at some point (8&4) but how do I respect their privacy and yet protect them from this terrible addiction when they go through puberty. It's just so complicated

 

Get Kidswifi, it blocks adult content, we are getting it partly for my husband (he isn't tech savvy and is a lazy addict so it would help him) and for our son when he is older. We want to protect our son from porn addiction too, I think the best way is to educate them.

 

Beware of Incignito and TOR and other browsers that hide the history. This is how my husband told me he got away with it because I did check history and saw nothing... nothing that was sketchy.... I checked it the first few years of marriage and when I didn’t find anything- I didn’t check anymore, but all along he was using the incognito browser and covering his tracks. Also I don’t want to be a porn police or mother to my husband. If he can’t control himself with his recovery skills, I don’t want him. I want a strong man who has self control.

 

This, this, this!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is EXACTLY how I look at it!

 

I see this point. I don't really like it either. However, having to be accountable is a little different, rather than always having secrecy. He is still the one with the will power to not go to it.... It isn't a filter. I hope that makes sense? Atleast to me, it is acceptable. It's not for everyone. And Accountable2you is not affected by incognito or various browsers (on android) because it uses the accessibility feature to read the text regardless of what method was used. It's a pretty ingenious idea.

 

I know and not everyone is the same. For instance, I only have four boundaries for his recovery: 1) He remains an open book/honest and lets me check what I want when I feel like it. 2) We have check in's/he's accountable to me 3) He deletes all apps that were used for PM as they could trigger him and 4) He no longer can take his phone into the bathroom, because it can trigger me.

I have not cut him off from Wi-Fi use, his Smart Phone, PC etc., not because I suddenly trust him but because I don't want to feel like I am mothering him. He knows the risks of being caught again and in order for me to see that he is taking this recovery seriously, I need to see he can exhibit self-control and should he feel an urge, he will have the balls to be honest with me about it. I don't want to cut him off for recovery, then when he is "recovered" and gains some access back, he'll be like a kid in a candy store lol.

I'm on my final journey with him, call me weak or whatever but if he goes back to "the addict" aka lies again, I'm gone.

 

You should put that in the boundaries thread