Serious Problem: Threatened to Kill GF Due to Porn Related Tantrum

Hi there,

Thanks for sharing your situation and looking for support. That's the right way to go about it.

If you are threatening violence (whether you will actually carry through or not), that sounds very serious. Violence or threats are never a solution to problems in relationships and depending on how serious your fights get, you don't want to find yourself hurting anyone, doing something you'll regret and talking to the police.

It's good to hear that you are going to a domestic violence support group. My advice is if those sorts of feelings start to come up - you should leave the situation. Either go into another room or go stay at a friend's house. Something like that.

If this is happening regularly, then perhaps the relationship is not a healthy one and you should think about separating.

Do you find your porn addiction is related to your feelings of anger?

So if I get you correctly, she wanted to stop you from sleeping to somehow stop your porn addiction?

 

What does she mean by "you won't be going to sleep"?
Is she depriving you of sleep?
Threatening violence is by no means a good thing even if it was just a heat of the moment thing, so ye just go to the counseling sessions. But also expand on what this "you won't be going to sleep" means.

If shes depriving you of sleep which is a vital part of life in order to keep you sane and healthy. Then shes the problem and not you.

She sounds like a control freak to me no offence.
I would leave her if I was in your shoes.
If shes depriving you of sleep, shes a nutter no offence.

 

That she wants to keep you from sleeping confuses me. Sleep is incredibly important to making good decisions, so it seems counter intuitive that she would want to prevent that. Whatever the reasons, the relationship you have with her is harmful for both of you. You recognize your outbursts are a real problem, and it's really good that you are getting some help for them. Keep doing that. Never rest in the thought "At least I'm working on it." You must always be challenging yourself in this, making progress. I believe that you both need some space from each other. You should find a way to get the money, and move into an apartment, maybe with a (male) roommate or two. The situation you have now is poisonous, and if you care about her, you can't let her remain in it. You have to remove the problem from the home before it can be fixed.

 

She's obviously the catalyst. If he were getting proper sleep, he wouldn't have had an outburst.

 

I don't think either of us can know for sure how things would have gone differently. We weren't there, but if you're right, that's all the more reason to get some space.

 

You being violent towards her will not fix your porn addiction.

By showing forms of violence you might drive her away which makes things harder for you with less support or even worse you will get into some legal trouble or even into jail if you take it far enough.

I do not understand why not let you sleep. Sleep is important. I'm guessing she does not know what to do about your porn addiction and I guess she found a way in her mind.

 

This may be so. But if shes depriving you sleep, you are a victim.

 

It's no inconvenience. We are here to offer help and support wherever we can, even when we are completely unqualified Since we don't know everything we need to in order to help you out, you may try couples, or single person, therapy. There's no shame in that. Emotions run high and rational discussion flies out the window. An impartial mediator can help you both work to the core of your problems and help figure out how to fix them.

Don't be shy about "bothering" people on here. Answering a post is completely voluntary, so if someone answers, it's because they want to.

Good luck on your journey. There really is a vast and beautiful world outside of PMO, and you reach it every time you deny your inner addict.

 

And we don't necessarily have to know to be able to be of support. Please don't feel like you're being judged, I'm sure you can acknowledge that the threats you reported can be concerning - hey, that's what made you seek support/advice in the first place!

A lot of wise things have been mentionned before, and I wish I had something more insightful to say to help.

Maybe realizing that being threatened yourself made you flip and raise the stakes could help shed a light on the fact that the (potential) violence probably isn't the problem here, merely something that can be managed to help discover/solve the real issues.

I hope you have come to a quieter point of expression with your gf, where things can be laid down calmly and talked over

 

One day, many years ago, I was driving along and there was a young mother and baby crossing the street. It suddenly occurred to me just how easy it would be to flick the car wheel over and hit the two of them and drive on with nobody ever seeing anything. I didn't do anything of the sort, but was horrified that I could be such a monster to have such a thought. What could make me such a monster? I fretted and worried about it all the rest of that day, and the next, and weeks later I was still freaking out over it.

Finally I laughed and said, "that is so not me." And that was the end of it. And since then when the odd stray or harmful idea pops into my head, I laugh and say, "that is so not who I am" and continue on with my life.

When ideas, urges and feelings come to me, I usually try to welcome them, and listen to them, but I don't have to invite them in and offer them something to eat. Dealing with emotions is hard when you are used to being driven by them instead of just feeling them and letting them go away without encouraging them. And for me, anger and rage almost always mean there is something else underneath them - some feeling I can't deal with and some I'm so clueless about they just get processed as anger or rage.

I hope the best for you and that you will come to peace with your feelings and thoughts.