So for as long as I can remember I've always had really random and occasional fantasies of feminine things which eventually evolved into crossdressing maybe 15 times over the whole course of my childhood and in the ladder years being very disappointed with myself afterwards. I've always considered myself a kind and gentle guy but I'm also very competitive and socially dominant if that matters at all.
I've been in a very loving relationship for like 6 years now and I'm only 20 and the thing is I love this girl like nothing else in the world. We went through the motions of intimacy and I enjoyed every second of it but I've usually been less inclined to sex acts than her, especially recently.
Over the past little while my porn use got a little out of hand (especially because of our long distance relationship for school the majority of the year) and regular porn and an overall obsession with the female form kinda evolved into hypnosis, and then inevitably sissy hypnosis, which, turns me on more than anything else. None of my fantasies or porn habits bothered me in the slightest until about 6 months ago when I had a little problem with ED during a visit with her. She was super understanding and I just figured it was due to stress or something but in the back of my mind I was terrified I was gay. I spent so much time reading forums and help pages and eventually concluded that it was just the stress that bothered me and things were actually okay for a while. All the while I never really quit sissy and hypno porn, not that I didn't want to but more that I didn't want to that badly.
Things got rough for me when one day while jerking off to this porn I actually paid close attention to the guys dick, which despite the category of porn I never cared much for. And since then Ive had strong fantasies of sucking off a dude or being a girl and getting fucked by a guy- just the whole notion of being feminine. And every time I would jerk off to this or thing of this I'd feel terrible. A mix of guilt, shame, disgust, anger, disappointment in myself.
It really tough because after a small scare when I thought I might be trans I've figured that I really don't want to be a girl for all aspects of life. I don't care for girly activity and I never really have, I don't want to walk around as a girl or be treated as a girl I just want to have sex as a girl and I don't know if this fantasy is porn induced, or just an unlucky fetish I was stuck with since birth seeing as crossdressing started long before this type of porn. I can still have sex with my girlfriend when I'm not so stressed about losing my boner, but exactly what I've feared (being more turned on by being a girl than being with a girl) is proving true.
The past month has been awful for me. It seems like every day I spend every free second I have stressing about this, like the thoughts are inescapable- not nessisarily the porn thought but the stress of "what if I am trans, how can I fight this, can I fight this forever does this go away??" and I've read tannes of forums, some that make me feel better others worse and eventually I gave nofap a shot. I half heartedly tried it a while ago to literally no avail, but in light of this anxiety I gave it a legit attempt and got 16 days, today being the day I failed. I did have sex with my girlfriend in that time and like usual, I did really enjoy it, but every single day I work I spend stressing and anxious. At this point I don't even know what for. I've made it very clear to myself that I am more than happy keeping this a secret and never indulging in it, given the choice I would give up sex all together for this to go away.
These anxious thoughts culminate into a bit of a depression where It just seems like I don't know how things are gonna turn out so why even try, there was a very brief moment where even death sounded better than how I was feeling, not that I wanted to kill myself but I just felt this strange sort of jealousy for old people or dead people who don't have problems like this anymore as naive as that is.
The reason why I know I'm not trans is because I don't really want to be a girl and I know that, I could never love a man the way I do women and I am very attracted to women and the female form. Its also worth noting that I do not find gay porn a turn on in the slightest.
This is kinda a last ditch effort for me because I just feel so trapped, I don't want to tell anyone because I have nothing to gain from it and I don't want to pursue the fantasies either. But every day I find myself stressed and worried and unreasonably horny and I just don't know what to do anymore. It scares me because I feel like theres no end to this fight. Im with the girl of my dreams and Im terrified Im going to lose her. I want to marry her and have kids and all that jazz but I'm no afraid these fantasies are going to ruin that. I don't experience any sort of body dysphoria and this fantasy is purely sexual.
I would really love any sort of advise on this because at this point I don't know what to do. Im sorry its a little bit of a rant but I'm just speaking my mind. Thanks
I've been in a very loving relationship for like 6 years now and I'm only 20 and the thing is I love this girl like nothing else in the world. We went through the motions of intimacy and I enjoyed every second of it but I've usually been less inclined to sex acts than her, especially recently.
Over the past little while my porn use got a little out of hand (especially because of our long distance relationship for school the majority of the year) and regular porn and an overall obsession with the female form kinda evolved into hypnosis, and then inevitably sissy hypnosis, which, turns me on more than anything else. None of my fantasies or porn habits bothered me in the slightest until about 6 months ago when I had a little problem with ED during a visit with her. She was super understanding and I just figured it was due to stress or something but in the back of my mind I was terrified I was gay. I spent so much time reading forums and help pages and eventually concluded that it was just the stress that bothered me and things were actually okay for a while. All the while I never really quit sissy and hypno porn, not that I didn't want to but more that I didn't want to that badly.
Things got rough for me when one day while jerking off to this porn I actually paid close attention to the guys dick, which despite the category of porn I never cared much for. And since then Ive had strong fantasies of sucking off a dude or being a girl and getting fucked by a guy- just the whole notion of being feminine. And every time I would jerk off to this or thing of this I'd feel terrible. A mix of guilt, shame, disgust, anger, disappointment in myself.
It really tough because after a small scare when I thought I might be trans I've figured that I really don't want to be a girl for all aspects of life. I don't care for girly activity and I never really have, I don't want to walk around as a girl or be treated as a girl I just want to have sex as a girl and I don't know if this fantasy is porn induced, or just an unlucky fetish I was stuck with since birth seeing as crossdressing started long before this type of porn. I can still have sex with my girlfriend when I'm not so stressed about losing my boner, but exactly what I've feared (being more turned on by being a girl than being with a girl) is proving true.
The past month has been awful for me. It seems like every day I spend every free second I have stressing about this, like the thoughts are inescapable- not nessisarily the porn thought but the stress of "what if I am trans, how can I fight this, can I fight this forever does this go away??" and I've read tannes of forums, some that make me feel better others worse and eventually I gave nofap a shot. I half heartedly tried it a while ago to literally no avail, but in light of this anxiety I gave it a legit attempt and got 16 days, today being the day I failed. I did have sex with my girlfriend in that time and like usual, I did really enjoy it, but every single day I work I spend stressing and anxious. At this point I don't even know what for. I've made it very clear to myself that I am more than happy keeping this a secret and never indulging in it, given the choice I would give up sex all together for this to go away.
These anxious thoughts culminate into a bit of a depression where It just seems like I don't know how things are gonna turn out so why even try, there was a very brief moment where even death sounded better than how I was feeling, not that I wanted to kill myself but I just felt this strange sort of jealousy for old people or dead people who don't have problems like this anymore as naive as that is.
The reason why I know I'm not trans is because I don't really want to be a girl and I know that, I could never love a man the way I do women and I am very attracted to women and the female form. Its also worth noting that I do not find gay porn a turn on in the slightest.
This is kinda a last ditch effort for me because I just feel so trapped, I don't want to tell anyone because I have nothing to gain from it and I don't want to pursue the fantasies either. But every day I find myself stressed and worried and unreasonably horny and I just don't know what to do anymore. It scares me because I feel like theres no end to this fight. Im with the girl of my dreams and Im terrified Im going to lose her. I want to marry her and have kids and all that jazz but I'm no afraid these fantasies are going to ruin that. I don't experience any sort of body dysphoria and this fantasy is purely sexual.
I would really love any sort of advise on this because at this point I don't know what to do. Im sorry its a little bit of a rant but I'm just speaking my mind. Thanks
