Seriously conflicted with SO’s recent request!

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by LittleBird, May 17, 2019.

  1. LittleBird

    LittleBird Fapstronaut


    This is only my second post so hope it’s in the right place. Recently my SO has been going through a reboot, he says he’s on week 6 and believes he’s cured, I do not. He’s been addicted since a young age and feels he missed out on dating in his early years (he’s 34) due to his PA addiction. He recently told me that he can’t see himself in a monogamous relationship at this stage in his life. We have been together for 5 years and engaged for 1 year. I’m an open minded individual and a threesome almost happened once before. It didn’t because I was too drunk at that point and taking out frustrations on him, making things awkward for everyone. Since then, I feel he’s obsessed with the notion of having sex with others but within the relationship. I’m pissed because we aren’t in a good place in the relationship to even be discussing the topic and feel like he’s given me an ultimatum. I’m upset and conflicted, told him I needed a few days to internalize everything. Not sure what to do at this point. Any advice is most appreciated. Thanks!
  2. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

    I will confess I don't know much about the polygamous life style, but it sounds like your partner is a bit disconnected at this stage; he is craving a fantasy, or a "loss" of the PMO life style, where he can have imaginary sex with lots of people. If he were to experience this in real life, he would most likely be disappointed and bored. The stories where people have amazing, polygamous sex lives are very few and far between - we read about them in magazines, but outside of that they basically don't exist since they don't really work. A porn addict has a brain with less grey matter and is therefore not really capable of making the best, most rational decisions; he needs "kicks" and "highs" and eventually, nothing will be enough. When his brain is healed, he would most likely realize the following:

    1. Fantasy doesn't transfer well into real life
    2. Fantasies isn't so important anyways
    3. A good woman is easily lost

    But all of this is of less importance. What it comes down to is how YOU feel. Do YOU want to be in a monogamous relationship? If not, are YOUR sexual needs being met? You can't please him by inviting a third party in to your relationship because he will never be pleased as long as he clings on to sexual addiction. He will want more and more and it will never ever be enough. I knew a couple where the man suggested this to his girlfriend. Their "open" relationship ended with her meeting all these new men and realizing that there is so much out there for her - she didn't have to settle for a promiscuous boyfriend.

    Bottom line is that you take care of your sexual and emotional needs first and shape your future around those, not around his distorted sexual views. He is six weeks into recovery and it's very likely he will realize a thing or two a year or so from now.
    Last edited: May 19, 2019
    Jennica, Nugget9, Trappist and 5 others like this.
  3. LittleBird

    LittleBird Fapstronaut

    Thank you very much for responding with this advice. I’m taking things one day at a time but found this to be very helpful.
    Lilla_My likes this.
  4. I dont know what to say to that....i I need to tell you to do this or do that.

    In reality I am not suited to give you advise as I have my own problems and my SO as a result of the betrayal trauma she suffers.

    My gut tells me that he is no where near sober in his mind if he is adding to fantasies. In my opinion he needs to take more time to thnk on that.

    I would offer to you to think on what you want your relationship to be not what he wants....make your decisions based on what God is telling you in your Heart and you will not go wrong

    You are never alone.
  5. Butterfly1988

    Butterfly1988 Fapstronaut

    Hi. Don’t do anything you feel uncomfortable with doing. If that’s his ultimatum, great. He made the decision easy for you. You shouldn’t have to stay with someone who is making you uncomfortable, pressured, or whatever in order to be with them.
  6. IamOlive

    IamOlive Fapstronaut

    I’m sorry you are going through this. I second Butterfly1988’s response. If something makes you uncomfortable, pissed or conflicted and it’s not a YES for you then don’t do it because you think it will fix the relationship or make him better. It won’t. I know it’s hard because all you want is to have loving awesome relationship. Been there and did this for many many years. I just started betrayal trauma recovery of my own and its so much easier said than done. Take care of your self, set boundaries and if there are ultimatums please remember put yourself first.
  7. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

    If it is something YOU are interested in than give it some thought. But if this is just for him and not what you want don't do it. I'm not against poly relationships, they can work for some people. But it takes a certain type of person. My friend was in a poly relationship for a while. She ended up divorcing her grumpy, angry and bitter husband and is now married to the other guy and they are very happy together. Her ex is still angry and bitter.
    It sounds like he just wants the benefits of a stable relationship while living out his single fantasies. He needs more time clean to clear his brain, he is not cured or recovered at this point. It will come with time.
  8. LittleBird

    LittleBird Fapstronaut

    Thank you for your reply. It does seem that he would like the benefits of a stable relationship while acting on this part of his life he feels he missed out on. I am on open minded individual who has had threesomes in the past, just never within my own personal relationships. I’m not against the idea of adding a bit of excitement, it’s just the way he went about and is going through this reboot. I’m not sure, if I’ll ever fully be able to trust him in that environment.
  9. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    PMO addict for many years who claims he is "cured" in six weeks is most definitely not. He is either lying or deluded.

    Also, TIL that I have "a brain with less grey matter and [am] therefore not really capable of making the best, most rational decisions," so take what I say with a grain of salt. ;)
  10. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

    He is not cured. He will never be cured. 6 weeks into a reboot he is still in his addict mind fog and looking for alternate ways to feed the addiction.

    Don't do it because he is still an active addict not in recovery. He's got 6 weeks of sobriety, which is very different than recovery. If he keeps pressuring you, leave him because it shows he doesn't love you or respect you. That will likely not change.
  11. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

    You’re being used. I have yet to meet anyone who have said a threesome is the best thing ever. I have however met people who have participated in threesomes and have deeply regretted it. They have to live with their choices for the rest of their lives and in each situation the relationship broke apart within a matter of weeks. Don’t do it.
    Susannah, Lilla_My and fadedfidelity like this.
  12. lfromcr

    lfromcr Fapstronaut


    I agree with the others here: Start with what you want. And not just now, but what you want for your long term future.

    You wrote:
    If he is, indeed, obsessed, then he's definitely not cured.

    My husband and I call this issue an 'arousal addiction' meaning not being okay with normal life without some kind of stimulant.

    The problem with involving other people in the bedroom is: That is now the drug he seeks, probably because his previous behavior was no longer doing it for him.

    And if that is the drug he seeks now, he will need something else more 'risqué' later, because in my 20+ years of research, what I've found is this: Sex outside a loving relationship will not satisfy... actually research shows it cannot satisfy.

    (I'd go into the reasons, but instead of reinventing the wheel, if you google (including the quotes)

    "Why It's impossible for porn to satisfy a guy"

    it'll explain it for you. (I'd add a link, but last time I was active out here they asked for members to not include links, so I'm honoring that.)

    I hope that helps,
  13. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    He is not a healthy individual and you should not even consider doing this with him at this time. He would be selfish, make you feel worse about yourself and then start sleeping around with other people behind your back. Do you think he would practice safe sex? Does he thrive off of risky sex and excitement? Be careful and watch out for yourself. Walk away if this is an ultimatum.
  14. lfromcr

    lfromcr Fapstronaut


    Something else came to mind and I think it's for you: My husband and I went to a Summit of professionals talking about this issue. I remember clear as a bell a psychologist saying:

    "You don't want him to
    give up the porn
    just to
    masturbate into you."

    Crude, yes, but still true when he's in it for himself.
  15. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

    Wonderfully put. This is the problem with sex addiction in general and porn addiction in particular. You can't "spice up" a love life with porn or porn like way of having sex, since this is a very temporary solution that has never worked long term for anyone. It's like when you have dry lips and lick them, only for the dryness to return in a minute, this time five fold. The potential for a great love life is built into well functioning healthy people and doesn't require any add-ons. Unfortunately, if everyone knew this, there would be no more click bait stories and sensational, smutty news articles. Most "Sex therapists" would loose their jobs. And porn/porn style sexual gratification as a bandaid for failing relationships would no longer be suggested by ill-informed, addicted spouses.
  16. gymismylife

    gymismylife Fapstronaut

    My honest opinion is to not give in or compromise what you want or are comfortable with, to appease someone else. But be prepared for the pressure to escalate, because it likely will. Stay strong. You got this

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