Sex addict looking for advice

Psalm27:1my light said:
The majority find out eventually. Some it’s 40 years married, some it’s right away and some it after death. In 5 years of working my own recovery from my husbands porn addiction I’ve been blown away by the number of partners who find out after their spouse dies. I’m sorry, you are not acting like good men if you think cheating, and lying to the one you vowed to love is “ just having fun”. Good men are faithful, don’t lie and don’t think it’s ok to screw their loved ones over. He’s pissed off because he knows the devastating harm you’ve done to both yourself and your partner with your actions. God forbid he become an honorable man of character who gives his wife the opportunity to decide what she wants in her life, be it staying and supporting an unfaithful addict or leaving.
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I am not saying that he has to continue the cheating but he can reflect on it by his own and decide not to do it anymore. He can save the marriage without having to admit the cheating by deciding to be a faithful good husband, after healing of course.
 
Meshuga said:
This is delusional. I apologize, I know being confrontational is generally not a good way to help the person you are talking to receive the message, but to admit you have violated and imply you will violate the terms of your marriage, that you feel no regret over it, and that you are simultaneously "a very good man" is logically inconsistent. Unless you also claim your wife can violate the terms of marriage and be a very good person. I'm not going to come right out and say you are a bad person, but that is bad behavior by any moral standard.

The thing is, despite what modern mainstream wants to believe and wants you to believe, sex has consequences. It's not just fun. Both men and women bond with the people they have sex with. Sex can transmit disease. At maximum, you can create a brand new human being with that person, a human being who needs to be cared for, or killed in the womb, one option being extremely expensive in terms of time, money, and emotion, the other being traumatic and incredibly callous. That's why sex is a big deal, even when we have more reliable contraception than we used to. And even if it wasn't a big deal, lying about something you agreed not to lie about is not very good behavior.

If it's not okay for your wife to hook up with someone else on holiday, it's not okay for you to do the same.
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I understand your point of view completely and I also felt some regret by doing it, so I stopped (4 years ago). My marriage is very very very good and we love each other A LOT and have a lot of fun together. However, I never told my wife about this experience. If I tell her you understand that the whole marriage would be wrecked right? and it is in no ones favour to tell since I stopped and focus on her and love her 100%

You understand my point that sometimes not telling is the better alternative?
 
MikeSilva said:
If I tell her you understand that the whole marriage would be wrecked right? and it is in no ones favour to tell since I stopped and focus on her and love her 100%

You understand my point that sometimes not telling is the better alternative?
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I get where you're coming from as well. I even agree that spilling this right now would probably be detrimental to the relationship. Saying you're a good man, though, isn't consistent. The tone of the quoted post was that cheating is no big deal, it's just fun, and what wives don't know won't hurt 'em. That's not good behavior.

You can classify yourself as a good man who did a bad thing, but a person who makes this a pattern of behavior is not good, and a person who makes this a consistent pattern of behavior and thinks they can get out of it without hurting anyone is probably kidding themselves.
 
Meshuga said:
I get where you're coming from as well. I even agree that spilling this right now would probably be detrimental to the relationship. Saying you're a good man, though, isn't consistent. The tone of the quoted post was that cheating is no big deal, it's just fun, and what wives don't know won't hurt 'em. That's not good behavior.

You can classify yourself as a good man who did a bad thing, but a person who makes this a pattern of behavior is not good, and a person who makes this a consistent pattern of behavior and thinks they can get out of it without hurting anyone is probably kidding themselves.
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That is exactly why I quit this behaviour. And nobody is perfect. In my opinion the binary distinction good/bad is also an illusion. We are men and we sin sometimes. Doing good things and doing bad things. There is no such thing as a good and bad man
 
Meshuga said:
For @Qzmp1, I appreciate the tough spot you are in. Addiction is a place where we do a lot of justification, and end up doing things we previously would have called evil, while telling ourselves it's not that bad. Then we escalate, and see it's not that much worse than the thing we already justified, and before we know it, we've crossed some hard boundaries and we know nobody will understand. Then we encounter some kind of breaking point, and are confronted with how much we could lose, and it's terrifying. Our compulsion to justify doesn't stop. We search for reasons, trying to convince ourselves we don't have to do the thing we know is right.

Consider; if she were doing what you have done, you would deserve to know. You said you had an open marriage previously, but not any more. You had rules that you agreed upon, then you agreed upon a different set of rules. You broke those rules. She deserves to know.
Also consider, she probably already knows something is wrong. I have been on this forum for years, I've seen hundreds of guys come through here, and I can personally attest, it is extremely rare for men to have a porn addiction and for their SO not to know something about it. Sometimes they know everything already. Sometimes they know he looks at a lot of porn, and she doesn't know what kind, neither does she want to know. Sometimes she knows he looks at porn, just not how much. Nearly every time, at bare minimum she knows something is very wrong with the relationship and she does not know what it is, but would like to help fix it. In some cases, she decides to end the relationship. In most, she at least tries to stay. It is extremely rare for an SO to have no clue, and be totally blindsided by an addict's disclosure. I would argue if she was, they didn't have a healthy relationship anyway. If she can't see the distress he's in, she's not paying attention.
Also consider, telling her what you have done is not what damages a relationship. Looking at porn and hooking up, that is what damages the relationship. You are just now recognizing that fact, late. I am sorry, that is an extraordinarily uncomfortable place to be, but you can't undo what you have done. If your water pipes froze and burst, not telling anyone about it doesn't mean it didn't happen. You are going to have to admit you made a mistake and aggressively fix that problem, and get help to fix that problem, or you're going to have to deal with that problem AND more secondary problems in the future.

The question is not, in my opinion, if you should disclose, but how you should disclose and how much to tell her at a time. One of the things porn does to us that experts do not recognize, but the vast majority of recovered addicts and SOs acknowledge, is that it makes us insensitive, selfish, and bad at communication. This is not a good position to come from when handling such an important relationship problem, but at the same time, it needs to happen. It's like someone needs life saving surgery right now, but the surgeon is drunk. Doing the surgery, or disclosing to your partner right now, is probably going to cause some damage. At the same time, waiting until you sober up is not a great option either. I recommend trying to ease into the conversation, instead of dumping your sins on her like at a confessional. "Can we talk?" always signals a serious conversation, so she will know something big is coming and can choose to delay it if she is not in a good position. "I have been having a hard time with anxiety and some other problems" is a good step, but you have to follow that with "I have been trying to fix that on my own, but not in a healthy way, and I got in pretty deep." All of these give her the option to shut it down if she doesn't want to know details, or for her to ask for them as is her right. Then she is given her choice to decide what she wants to do.
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Thank you for the advice, and she knows I have a problem with porn, and that I'm working on it.
She didn't ask for details but was happy I acknowledged it.
She loves having sex and wants it all the time, so she can tell when I'm on porn and when I'm off just by number of times we have sex
 
Telling your wife is controversial even in most 12 step groups. The eighth step is to make amends, except where to do so would cause harm. Making amends does not equal full confession, but it should involve the offender attempting to make things right or repay in some way (watch "my name is Earl" for some funny examples). For me, my wife knows I'm in recovery for porn and sex addiction, she knows that I was addicted to porn although she may not fully know the extent of what I looked at. I know some men who do full confessions of every detail and it seems to work with them. I've also seen it where it damages the relationship, in that the woman has a hard time understanding and becomes chronically suspicious and resentful. It kind of depends on the woman. In my experience, women have a harder time forgiving than men.

Having physically acted out with another man does raise the bar in that STD's become a real concern. I would recommend he at least get tested before having unprotected sex with her. Having a counselor to help navigate this is also recommended.
 
Qzmp1 said:
Hi
I'm 35, married, and consider myself as a sex addict. I've been watching porn for over 20 years now and went down the rabbit hole from regular porn to cuckold, to trans to gay to going on grinder and meeting with men.
Every time I feel that need for excitement it feels like I'm loosing my mind and I have to get my fix of excitement! Finding a girl is much harder so I started meeting with men.
I don't find men attractive but I do now find men genitalia, especially big ones attractive.
Porn made me into a cuck, beta....
Now I'm trying to stop, but every time I have free time, time alone I feel the urge to go back to that place, back to grinder, where it's easy to find excitement!
If anyone has any advice how to deal with the feeling of panic, that crazy need to go and satisfy your desires, please let me know!
I feel like I'm a hole that is so deep that I can't get out!
Thank you
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God can help you heal. Abstinence does not guarantee recovery but without abstinence recovery is impossible
 
UlyssesResists said:
Telling your wife is controversial even in most 12 step groups. The eighth step is to make amends, except where to do so would cause harm. Making amends does not equal full confession, but it should involve the offender attempting to make things right or repay in some way (watch "my name is Earl" for some funny examples). For me, my wife knows I'm in recovery for porn and sex addiction, she knows that I was addicted to porn although she may not fully know the extent of what I looked at. I know some men who do full confessions of every detail and it seems to work with them. I've also seen it where it damages the relationship, in that the woman has a hard time understanding and becomes chronically suspicious and resentful. It kind of depends on the woman. In my experience, women have a harder time forgiving than men.

Having physically acted out with another man does raise the bar in that STD's become a real concern. I would recommend he at least get tested before having unprotected sex with her. Having a counselor to help navigate this is also recommended.
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We only have protected sex, because she hates birth control pills, and we don't want kids yet...
 
For me a big part of the problem is my self image, the fact I have a small d, even though it's not crazy small, it's just not big. That with the fact I have a serious issue with pe (premature ejaculation) that just keeps me down.
Sex is 5 seconds long, even bj is the same, really really fast and I'm done.
I feel like the combination of the 2 keep me feeling like I'm less of a man!
Every time I see my d I feel like I'm a beta :/
 
Qzmp1 said:
For me a big part of the problem is my self image, the fact I have a small d, even though it's not crazy small, it's just not big. That with the fact I have a serious issue with pe (premature ejaculation) that just keeps me down.
Sex is 5 seconds long, even bj is the same, really really fast and I'm done.
I feel like the combination of the 2 keep me feeling like I'm less of a man!
Every time I see my d I feel like I'm a beta :/
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There's a couple things you can do about this. First about the big D. It's an artificial element of attraction effectively invented and sustained by porn. D size wasn't consistently talked about as a good thing, as a measure of masculinity or ability to please a woman, until after the advent of photography. Before that, large appendages were viewed as equal parts comical and disgusting. In practical terms, natural selection/mate preferences have optimized male and female anatomy for compatibility, meaning the average D is suitable for the average V. Even if you're on the smaller side, that's like being a shorter man. Less than ideal? Maybe. Does it have anything to do with being a good man or husband? Not at all. Most men are tall enough to get the job done, whatever their job is, and they are also big enough.

Part of what is getting to you is that being immersed in porn and hookup culture, you're current mind is conditioned to overvalue sex as a pleasurable act. In reality it's not that big of a deal, just one component in a complex relationship. It can be important, but not to the extent you think it is. Going on a 60 day fast on all sex will go a long way toward reorienting your priorities, though it won't totally fix you. I would recommend 90 days, but most married couples can last to 60. When you are reoriented, you will have less anxiety and have fewer performance issues.

Another element of porn culture is that it makes pleasure and O the ultimate priority. In reality, pleasure is the tertiary benefit of sex, behind procreation and bonding. If you focus on enjoying being with your spouse instead of trying to race both of you to untold heights, again, that's less anxiety. And maybe you will be quicker to climax than what you believe is normal, or than you want to be, but it probably doesn't matter as much to your spouse as you think it does.

When you do want to get intimate and if you do want to work on lasting longer, you do that through acclimation. You'll have to be intimate more than once a week, and do low pressure, prolonged contact, taking it slow. But that's in the future. For now you need to focus on extracting yourself from the addiction, which means you should be aiming for abstinence. At least for a period.
 
Qzmp1 said:
For me a big part of the problem is my self image, the fact I have a small d, even though it's not crazy small, it's just not big. That with the fact I have a serious issue with pe (premature ejaculation) that just keeps me down.
Sex is 5 seconds long, even bj is the same, really really fast and I'm done.
I feel like the combination of the 2 keep me feeling like I'm less of a man!
Every time I see my d I feel like I'm a beta :/
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Some of that is that porn has tricked you into thinking your c0ck is small. Camera angles and actors that have enhancements are common. I used to be obsessed with size and tried all kinds of things that aren't too safe to increase. I've found though that no masturbation and fantasy, does help discipline my mind so that I can retain better during sex. When fantasies and fetishes were rampant, my mind would immediately go there when aroused and it wouldn't be long at all for a release. When I can keep those thoughts in line, everything else goes in line too.
 
Meshuga said:
There's a couple things you can do about this. First about the big D. It's an artificial element of attraction effectively invented and sustained by porn. D size wasn't consistently talked about as a good thing, as a measure of masculinity or ability to please a woman, until after the advent of photography. Before that, large appendages were viewed as equal parts comical and disgusting. In practical terms, natural selection/mate preferences have optimized male and female anatomy for compatibility, meaning the average D is suitable for the average V. Even if you're on the smaller side, that's like being a shorter man. Less than ideal? Maybe. Does it have anything to do with being a good man or husband? Not at all. Most men are tall enough to get the job done, whatever their job is, and they are also big enough.

Part of what is getting to you is that being immersed in porn and hookup culture, you're current mind is conditioned to overvalue sex as a pleasurable act. In reality it's not that big of a deal, just one component in a complex relationship. It can be important, but not to the extent you think it is. Going on a 60 day fast on all sex will go a long way toward reorienting your priorities, though it won't totally fix you. I would recommend 90 days, but most married couples can last to 60. When you are reoriented, you will have less anxiety and have fewer performance issues.

Another element of porn culture is that it makes pleasure and O the ultimate priority. In reality, pleasure is the tertiary benefit of sex, behind procreation and bonding. If you focus on enjoying being with your spouse instead of trying to race both of you to untold heights, again, that's less anxiety. And maybe you will be quicker to climax than what you believe is normal, or than you want to be, but it probably doesn't matter as much to your spouse as you think it does.

When you do want to get intimate and if you do want to work on lasting longer, you do that through acclimation. You'll have to be intimate more than once a week, and do low pressure, prolonged contact, taking it slow. But that's in the future. For now you need to focus on extracting yourself from the addiction, which means you should be aiming for abstinence. At least for a period.
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I think I mentioned before, but if not, my wife like to have sex as much as possible, so I can't imagine going 60 days with no sex.
But also I feel like having sex with her while doing this in the past helped me to stay away from porn.
If I won't have that release I feel like I will loose my mind, and I'm sure I'll have wet dreams...
 
My goals are no porn or self masturbation. I only allow release with my wife. This is a good reset for me as I was obsessive with PMO before. It also requires MO fasting in between, which is a good practice. You'll find after a few weeks, you don't need as much. Now I'm at the point where I feel better abstaining.
 
Qzmp1 said:
I appreciate all of your comments, I know I have a lot to work on!
I'm at a place where I can hardly see the light at the end of the tunnel, everything is a trigger, and every second I'm not doing something my brain wants to go to that comfort zone.
Every time I see my own d I feel shame, it's small and I can't preform for more then 5 sec...
Makes me feel like I'm not a real man every time, makes me want to go and relieve that feeling of panic!
But I want to make the changes I need to, and I appreciate all of your advices.
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Maybe see your doctor and try citalopram if things are getting too much dude. They’re great at balancing out depression, obsessive thoughts. ( As they’re an SSRI used for ocd too) and you’ll probably notice a lot less rumination. I found I would obsess about things over and over in my head and the acting out would come as compulsion/ritual as a way of escaping but also confirmed I wasn’t good enough like a punishment. The intense rush that trashy stuff gives you feels unstoppable but you can beat it, just takes time.I know another sex addict that’s benefitted a lot from citalopram. They kill your libido for two weeks as you adjust and then you can go forever lol. Weirdly my trans erotic tendencies died down too. Go and talk to a therapist or psychologist and get a professional opinion on talking to your wife rather than feeling nagged at. Eminem and Tom Hardy aren’t packing big dks but didnt let it slow them down; F it, your wife married you so just shows your D is not a problem. I wish I had a massive one. But if I did it would just be the norm and I’d find something else to obsess over
 
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Qzmp1 said:
For me a big part of the problem is my self image, the fact I have a small d, even though it's not crazy small, it's just not big. That with the fact I have a serious issue with pe (premature ejaculation) that just keeps me down.
Sex is 5 seconds long, even bj is the same, really really fast and I'm done.
I feel like the combination of the 2 keep me feeling like I'm less of a man!
Every time I see my d I feel like I'm a beta :/
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What size is it? Some men are growers not showers! There are tools on the market that help with flaccid size mainly but with constant use can add some erection size too. The main issues in your head but it’s good to know there’s options.
 
Wave tamer said:
What size is it? Some men are growers not showers! There are tools on the market that help with flaccid size mainly but with constant use can add some erection size too. The main issues in your head but it’s good to know there’s options.
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Have you tried these? What improvements have you had? As I said in a previous post, I was obsessed with this in the past, as a result the best case was it led me to relapse. Worst case is it had also caused me to have ruptured blood vessels, stretch marks, waisted so much time and even money. There is really nothing safe or proven out there. It's basically either stretching, suction, or inducing excess blood flow, which done with too much force will cause damage.

I had been holding on to some of these exercises for over 10 years trying to only practice them when sober. I recently let go of it after seeing posts here and realizing that when I tried it again, I would be up with insomnia and it was leading again toward relapse. It's an unnecessary risk, with no measurable benefit.
 
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