Sex coach: ask your questions

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by Tibo87, Aug 27, 2019.

  1. Tibo87

    Tibo87 Fapstronaut

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    Hi everyone,

    Basically, everything is in the title.

    I am a sex and intimacy coach, and I want to help you guys get rid of some blocks that you may have with your sexuality in general.

    You can ask your question here, or you can PM me.

    Thanks!
     
  2. WalkingForward

    WalkingForward Fapstronaut

    I'm 28 and I have almost no sexual experience. I've only had sex once when I was 19, it was a very awkward experience, my porn-damaged dick went soft. I have only kissed someone 3 times, last time was when I was 20.

    It's very unlikely that I'll have sex with anyone in the next 1-2 years.

    I'm starting to wonder if I can ever get to have a relationship with someone. Should I just give up on ever being able to be in a relationship with someone? Am I too much of an oddity? Will my obvious inexperience and awkwardness be too much of a turn-off?
     
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  3. Tibo87

    Tibo87 Fapstronaut

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    Hey @WalkingForward ,

    Three things you can start to do right now:
    * Stop telling yourself that you won't be able to be in a relationship
    * Stop telling yourself that you are too much of an oddity
    * Stop telling you that your inexperience and awkwardness would be too much of a turn-off

    Why I am telling you this? Because it is not true. This is only a construction in your mind. When you repeat yourself things, positive or negative, they happen. That's how your brain works.

    By practicing Self-love and Self-confidence, every day, out loud, morning and evening, you will reframe your story and your habits in a more positive way.
    There is a powerful technique called ''fake it until you make it''. If you stick to practicing positive talk, you will become more positive and confident.

    In the meantime, ask yourself what do you like, and which kind of person you want to be around.
    By meeting new people in doing what you love (let say you like music and you go to concerts), you will have things in common with this persons, and you will be much confident to build rapport with them.

    One great thing that I used to say to women (and that others have one with success) when I would feel it was going further: ''you know, I am a bit nervous right now, you really excite me''. Boom, whatever happen, you got it out of your mind and she knows, so no shame to have.

    Also, make yourself better by doing what you love and by reading / watching resources on self-development.

    Self-confidence is, for me, the most important skill to have and practice. If you know you can do it, you will do it.
     
  4. Tibo87

    Tibo87 Fapstronaut

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    Absolutely True!

    Thank you for your post @xx9
     
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  5. What is needed to make a girl cum? In my previous relationship it was very hard for me to make her cum - At first I felt bad about it but then we talked. We realized it is not my sole responsibility for her orgasm, as well as it is not hers to make me O. She said it is simply very hard for her to have an O from someone else, she needed the sense of control, relaxation, and knowing what move comes next (i.e. when she was masturbating herself).
    So my question would be, what are your tips (also for her) to be able to orgasm from intercourse?

    And another thing: How can a man be more content with what he has, and not look at the next hot girl and think like he 'misses out' on something?

    Enjoy your day @Tibo87, very nice of you to help us all!
     
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  6. Tibo87

    Tibo87 Fapstronaut

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    @Informius
    Thank you for your questions, it's my pleasure to help!

    EXPLICIT ADVICE!

    Few tips for her to orgasm during intercourse:
    - Have an orgasm BEFORE intercourse! It is much more easier for women to have orgasms during intercourse if they had a clitoral or vaginal orgasm without penetration before. Have her fully relaxed by focusing on the present moment and her pleasure, make her focus on breathing deeply, and use foreplays for her to climax before penetration.

    Once she is very aroused and naturally wet, it will be easier for her to enjoy pleasure.
    The easiest way to have her reach orgasm is by ASKING HER WHAT SHE LIKES. If she guides you, it will be so much easier to help her to have an orgasm than to guess it yourself. Plus sexy talks are a big turn on.

    - keep eye contact with her, tell her how sexy she is and how much she excites you. You can also caress her breast, or her thighs, zones that increase her pleasure.

    - be there for her to fully let go and enjoy the present moment. Don't put pressure on her, but rather encourage her to ride the pleasure waves.

    - you can caress her clit or ask her to caress herself, this is also very helpful for her to reach an orgasm.

    This all tools you can play and mix with.
    Bottom line is:
    * on the mental side she needs to be fully relaxed and present
    * on the physical side she needs to be fully aroused and enjoy the pleasure of her erogenous zones!
     
  7. Tibo87

    Tibo87 Fapstronaut

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    ''The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence''

    It is done to what you want and how happy and satisfy are you with what you have.
    If you are with someone that you don't find attractive, who doesn't turn you on everyday, or that you don't feel free to communicate with, then, and I will be blunt there, you are not with the right person.

    You know you are satisfy with someone if you are 95% of the time happy with her/him (or with law 80 / 20 %). There is nothing wrong with finding someone else ''hot'' or attractive, but it shouldn't take away the fact that you are fully satisfied with your partner, or even alone!

    Meditation would be a good practice to get back into your body and ease your thoughts.
    A practice that I do myself and I share with my clients is express 10 gratitudes out loud every morning for what you have. It centers you on the ''things'' that you have now and how to be fully satisfied. ex: ''I am grateful for the being alive today, I am grateful to share time with my beloved one, etc''
     
  8. Thanks man, sounds reasonable ;) And again, big plus to you for helping so strangers on the internet!
     
  9. Tibo87

    Tibo87 Fapstronaut

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    Let me know if you put it in practice and if it helps!
     
  10. Infrasapiens

    Infrasapiens Fapstronaut

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    What is a woman and how do you sex?

    Being serious now, I do not consider myself good looking enough to express that I am not an asexual being, so I tend to dodge the subject as much as I can. Is it okay to express that you like the looks of someone (sexually) without being good looking?
     
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  11. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

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    Can you give me examples of effective and fun dirty talk to use during intercourse?

    Should I confidently use it and just see if she likes it or not? How would I know to back off if she doesn't like it? Just talk about it afterwards?

    Put a trigger / spoiler warning for the answer.
     
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  12. Tibo87

    Tibo87 Fapstronaut

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    It is God, and you do ''square square circle select start'' haha

    Infra, not only it is ''ok'' to express what you feel, but you should do it to your partner (even if it is someone you just met) if you want to create a deeper connection. When we are not feeling confident about something, there is a magic trick that happen when we express it out loud to someone else: 1) it takes away a lot of the shame around it as we have the ''balls'' to say it, we assume it. 2) People like honesty, and most of the people will find it cool, or even attractive, when someone open up to them.
    Again, if you express your feelings and the person receiving it laugh at you or ignore you, well my Dear you know that this person is not right for you and is not worth your time.

    Also, I would invite you to practice Self-love every morning and repeat to yourself ''I am the most good looking Infrasapiens in this Universe, I am Beautiful, and I rock my World'' (obviously you can do your own). By repeating it everyday, you will see a massive change in your inner dialogue and in your confidence!
     
  13. Tibo87

    Tibo87 Fapstronaut

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    Hi elevate, thank you for your question!

    SPOILER DIRTY TALKS BELOW

    Communication is KEY if you want to have incredible sex and create deeper connection.
    There is different ways to implement dirty talk (and most importantly the voice) into sex.

    Yes, you can confidently use dirty talk, at one condition, that it is fitting both of your personality. I wouldn't imagine go heavy dirty talk with a partner who is quiet shy, or at the contrary, be shy with someone super expressive.
    Let's start with a magic one ''I want you to talk dirty to me, I want you to tell me how much you love it''. By doing so, you give your partner the opportunity to open up (she can even say ''I don't like to talk too much'' and that's absolutely fine), and you will know which kind of language your partner is into. Do that before penetration.

    Think about it that way: If you talk about it before, you will less likely say something during intercourse that she won't like and which would break the connection.

    Also, as I am a part of a sexual revolution movement, my teacher and I always tell to people to ASK PERMISSION before you enter a woman (either with your fingers or your sex). You are asking directly for her consent, and you show how much respect you have for her. Say it in a soft and sexy voice, she will love it.

    Other phrases involving her consent and what she likes:
    - ''How do you like it when I take (f***) you that way?''
    - ''Tell me how bad you want it/me''
    - ''Tell me what would drive you even wilder''
    - ''Do you like it like that or do you want it harder / deeper / softer?''
    - ''Do you want my fingers inside of you? Oh yes? How many?''

    For all this ones, you can always tell her ''I love when you talk dirty to me / when you tell it to me, it excite me / it drives me wild''. Show her that it is exciting and fun for both of you (you can show her as well with your body ;) ).

    Phrases that you can say to turn her on:
    Before penetration
    - ''You are gorgeous, you have a gorgeous body, hmmm I'm gonna take good care of you''
    - ''I want to tease you and please you so bad, you don't even know, let me drive you wild''
    - ''I love your breast / pussy / legs, can I play with it, please? (the ''please'' said with a sexy look)

    During penetration
    - ''That feels so good being inside of you / f****** you / making love to you, please don't stop''
    - ''You make me want to make love to you / f*** you again, and again, and again (one of my fav, with matching strokes)
    - a good one if you feel that you are on the quick side of ejaculation : ''you feel and look so good, you drive me crazy, I don't know if I can hold it for much longer'' (From female pornstars, to civilians women, this is one of the most ''rewarding'' feeling and sentence for them, as it shows that your woman excite you so much that you want to ejaculate for her).

    Regarding dirty words, ask her first, ''do you want to be my (fill the blank)?'' while you make love to her, she will either say yes or no (obviously, if you feel that she is shy, or you just met her, I wouldn't go for the hard stuff straight away).

    Also, it is not dirty talk in itself, but one of the most arousing thing that both of you can do is MAKE NOISE! I won't go into much scientific details here, but it makes the sexual experience even more enjoyable. On your side, grunt, breath heavily, show her how much you love it with your voice!

    An other great tip if you want to implement dirty talk is to USE ROLE PLAY, or a scenario.
    Set up a place and a time before hand, and tell to your partner that you want to ''experience something'' for, let say, 1 hour. Tell her that it is a game, and that you can always do it again if you like it, or ditch it if you don't.
    Also, a GREAT TOOL for this = use a COLOR safe word. So here GREEN = ''I love this, I love this talk'' / YELLOW = ''hmmm it's ok, but slow down, I'm not sure'' / RED = ''stop now I don't like that'' (you need to reassure her that it is perfectly ok to say red, this is part of the learning process). If there is a red, you stop, relax, and talk about it openly. But if you go gradually, there is no reason to reach red (especially if she told you yellow before).

    Remember to enjoy yourself, share pleasure with her, and have fun. You will have different moods and experiences everytime. Maybe she went to the gym and you will have a wild one to use all that energy, maybe you will have a cuddling love session when soft and gentle talk will be more appropriate.

    Play with it!
     
  14. Angus McGyver

    Angus McGyver Fapstronaut

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    This thread is one great initiative @Tibo87 !
    Although many dudes on this forum tend to ask me for advice about self-improvement (due to my noticeable streak), I sometimes need to do the opposite and ask someone else about the things I feel a bit insecure about since I don't always have the answer(s) to everything. My question is quite similar to one that another member posted a few days ago:

    I'm 31 and I have almost no sexual experience (but a few make-outs and kisses here and there) and feel quite insecure about entering a more serious relationship in the future, much because of my limited experience. Especially right now when I am about to start a new life in a new (and better) town, my own business, blog-site, etc. Things that will take a lot of time and effort, considering I am almost an elite-level athlete as well.
    The problem is that I have gotten so used and comfortable to single-life that I have a very hard time imagining being in a relationship, especially having sex. Sometimes, I can just see my future as that monk-guy (or spiritual master) living in a monastery, hehe. Although I am not at all dependent on having a woman in my life in order for it to be pretty good, it is eventually what I would like in the future. The big issue is that I have built up many mental blocks around that relationship/sex-thing during the past years, even during the last 18 months of NoFap- hard-mode which have brought me huge benefits.

    I know this might sound ridiculous but I am sometimes afraid that any future woman (despite my strong and defined character) would turn me down because of my limited experience alone, hence never being able to get to the sex-stage in the first place. And that day I do, I don't think I will perform very well and hence be judged because of my limited experience.
    Although I have gained a lot of confidence, social skills and other attractive traits over the past 18 months, I still get easily aroused by attractive women (without much objectification these days) and sometimes feel like I am about to jizz my pants in their presence, even if the conversation flows well and I am not nervous overall.
    That fact alone makes me thinking just foreplay alone as something impossible, not to mention intercourse itself. Since only a kiss alone makes my entire being feeling overwhelmed (neurologically, spiritually and physically), a part of me have almost mentally given up on the idea of future intercourse since that alone might render me a stroke or something.
    In other words, I have built up huge mental blocks over the past years regarding the entire relationship/sex-thing and sometimes, I just want to swallow the black pill and give up on it completely after considering that might not be for me anyways.

    Thus, I many times I feel regrets and like I should have experienced this earlier in life (just to get it done with) so I could have moved on, lived in a relationship like everyone and not having become the inexperienced weirdo I sometimes feel like.
    The question is: How do I get rid-of these huge mental blocks (around relationships and sex) I have built up for so long?
    Most of the time, I feel great about being who I am but sometimes, thoughts like those above sneak in and make me really question my life, capabilities and former life-decisions.
     
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  15. Tibo87

    Tibo87 Fapstronaut

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    Hi @Angus McGyver , and thank you very much for your question and your post!

    Hence the reason why I also have a sex coach haha As an elite athlete, you know the importance to have a mentor in your life.

    First thing first for the inner dialogue here: No matter how old you are, your sexual experience is the one that you have, there is no shame to have about it. We need to completely forget about comparison and ''the other guys'' here (even if it is difficult as an athlete with a competitive mind I know). You are where you are, and you want to get better. Be proud of that.

    If live in a monastery is what you want, then there would be no shame to have about, all the contrary. There has been and there will be people that are living this lifestyle and are fully happy (interestingly enough, I considered it for a while before to meet my girlfriend).
    But as you said, having a relationship is what you would like, so we will focus on that.

    Let's get it straight here. No ''good'' woman will judge you or turn you down because of your limited experience. If you came across one, well let me tell you that first she doesn't deserve you, and two you are better off finding someone else. A lot of couples have a satisfying relationship without being sexually active (although it helps, lets not kid ourself here).

    First magic sentence here for you, when you will be with a woman: ''I have to admit, I am quiet nervous, I don't have a lot of experience, will you help me to give you pleasure?''. Boom. You acknowledge the elephant in the room, you have been sincere to your partner, and she knows that there is no expectations (contrary to guys that brags, and then do nothing...). Plus, telling her that you want to share pleasure with her, will be a huge factor to connect even deeper, as you show her your respect and desire to connect with her (contrary to just ''one bam thanks maam).

    Been there done that haha. Although I am multiorgasmic, it happened to me few times to jizz in my pants before any real play, one time even without touching! The reason why I am telling you that is because I want to share with you my experience, and the women that I was with when it happened were very comprehensive and supporting (even quiet aroused as they couldn't believe that they were so exciting haha).

    I have talk to a lot of women, even pornstars, and they all said that a guy who is very excited and want to ejaculate quickly in their presence is a turn-on, as it boost their self-esteem and shows how much you desire them (who knew that PE had positive outcomes haha)

    I'm sure you have realized that, but here is your inner dialogue stopping you to be confident and be positive. Fear is only a construction of your mind. Say you are about to run for a race. What is the best way for you to be mentally focused? Worry about the other runners, or be confident that you are the best?

    Here you can beautifully use your personal experience when you won a competition. You set yourself up mentally for success.
    How do you do that for sex? Write down on a sticking note all the sentence that will make you positive about sex. The trick here is to ''fake it until you make it''. I'm sure you know that by repeating something mentally, you are much more likely to do it in your action (check the studies on basketball players and the state of flow with mental practice for that).
    I would recommend you to write 3 strong positive sentences for yourself (ex: ''I am making myself better in sex, I am stong and confident into my love-making abilities, I want to be a great lover and please my partner''). Then REPEAT THAT EVERYDAY, out loud, in front of the mirror if possible! It has to become automatic, like throwing a ball or driving.

    You will break that mental blocks. You did it to become an athlete right? You did it to stop porn right? Your willpower and your confidence will be your best weapons here.
    You won't give up. You haven't given up for the other things in your life, and this an other beautiful path to take and to experience with.

    Well, are you ready today to stop having regrets, to be positive, and to change your life for the better? I recommend you to have a look at a study that a nurse have done with people on their death bed and their regrets. Very insightful, and I bet that it will motivate you to do whatever you want to don't have regrets anymore.
    Angus, You haven't lost time, or money, or anything. You have lived your life the best you could, and you want it even better now.
    Also, not everyone is in relationship. And guess what, even worse, some people are in a relationship and are miserable anyway! (so twice more painful).
    I am proud to be a weirdo. This is my motto and should be yours too.

    Practice Self-love and self-confidence. Affirmation and visualization as I told you above. Become the best version of yourself in term of sex. You have done it in other aspects of your life, so copy this strategy and apply it to your sex goals.

    I would also advise you to learn about your own pleasure and arousal control and how to share pleasure with a woman. There is a lot of good resources out there, and if you want more info, you can contact me in PM.

    Let me know if this helps.
     
  16. Angus McGyver

    Angus McGyver Fapstronaut

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    Wow, Thanks a million for the swift and lengthy responses and all the good advices it contains!!
    I am definitely copying and pasting them into word so I can write them down by hand later. But you are completely right, all of those negative notions (aka worst-case scenarios) and mental blockages up to this point are all in my own head/mind and I am sure things start to flow and align even better as I slowly let them go and fade away. I notice I do let myself often getting absorbed by former mistakes/failures in a few areas of my life instead of shifting focus onto what good things I have in my life. I have many times have had a huge inferiority-complex and beaten myself up so much only because of my lack of sexual experience. I have many times felt like I am not worth jack shite because of my limited experience that everyone else seems to have plenty of.

    The same thing has been happening when looking back at my athletic performances many times. I do many times get stuck in the past 5-6 years of treading water (figuratively speaking) and limit my vision for what great performances I can still have in the years to come. Last weekend, I got suddenly motivated after that hard workout (although my shape being poor at the moment) and decided that 2020 will be the year I PR at all distances from 3000m-dash to the 1/2 Marathon, at age 32 when no one thought it possible for such a comeback after years of water-treading.
    The vision and feeling of that upcoming comeback is what occupies much of my mind these days.
    I got to adopt the same positive and visionary mindset for future relationships (and sexual encounters), despite my age and past experiences.

    Since I (according to most) have achieved many big successes in my life, academically, athletically and in later years even socially and spiritually (amongst them my lengthy NoFap-streak), there is no reason as to why I shouldn't be capable of gaining personal success in the relationship/sex-department with time as well. I have to shrug those notions and worst-case scenarios out of my mind and entire repertoire.
    I cannot thank you enough for your answers and I will definitely contact you within the next few days about that pleasure and arousal control part!

    Best Angus McG
     
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  17. Tibo87

    Tibo87 Fapstronaut

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    Here is your best source of motivation. Yourself and others know what you are capable of. You have already achieved amazing goals, and this one is no different!

    Mixing the two together, you will feel such a rush and a boost in your everyday life. Stick to a positive discipline, and you will make it happen beautifully.
     
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  18. I when masturbate usually ejaculates very quickly within a minute. I am worried about my performance in real life intercourse. How can I increase my timing so that I can satisfy my future partner without ejaculating in a minute. Thanks
     
  19. Tibo87

    Tibo87 Fapstronaut

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    Hi @GratifiedSlave , thank you for your question!

    So, there is two part of ejaculation control: Mental and physical

    Mental:
    * reframe your inner dialogue to be confident in your abilities and in your control. Stick a note on your mirror that says ''I am confident into my ejaculation control, I am a great lover, I can tronol myself with my partner''. Repeat that everyday so that your brain register it.

    Physical:
    Few tools to play with:

    * Mindful masturbation (minimum 15-20 min): with a lot of lube, caress yourself slowly, focusing on your pleasure. You need to learn how to control your scale of arousal (1=not aroused / 5 = midly aroused / 9 = close to ejaculate / 9.9 = point of no return / 10 = ejaculation).
    When you caress yourself (obviously no porn, no fantasies etc), focus on hovering between 5 and 8. Stay in that zone, and each time increase the duration you stay in that zone. That will teach you how to control your arousal. If you go over 8 and you feel that you will ejaculate, stop, pause for a minute, and start again. This is similar to edging, but you still focus more on your pleasure.
    If you wanted to add some ''realism'', you can use a fleshlight with lube to get (kind of) used to the feeling of being inside a woman.

    * Deep breathing: you need to learn how to relax your body and your mind by breathing deeply with your belly (with your diaphragm). When you masturbate / make love, relax all your muscles, breath deeply through your nose, and relax your mind saying ''I am present, I am here, I am good''. The more excited you are, the more your breathing speed up and your heart rate as well. By breathing deeply, you lower your heart rate, lower your arousal level, and become more aware of your body sensations.

    * Kegel exercises: To control your ejaculations you need to have strong PC muscles. To know which one are those muscles, next time you go to pee, stop yourself for peeing for few secondes. Those are the muscles you will exercise and use.
    To train your PC muscles, you need a training plan (like any other muscles). A good plan is as follow:
    Every 2 days, 2 times a day, 10 repetitions of 3 seconds squeeze on the exhale.
    It looks like this: Breath in > breath out and squeeze for 3 seconds > relax and breath in > breath out and squeeze for 3 seconds. Do that a total of 10 times. Once in the morning, once in the afternoon.
    You will progress every week by adding 2 seconds.
    Week one = 2 x 10 x 3s
    Week two = 2 x 10 x 5s
    Week three = 2 x 10 x 7s
    Week four = 2 x 10 x 10s

    Once you have reached 10s, you will add one more set during the day (3 x 10 x 10s). If you feel comfortable, you can do it everyday once you have reached 10s. Obviously, if it hurts, stop and get some rest. Like any other muscles, it takes time to build it up.
    This is a great goal to work toward, and you can achieve it in 1 to 3 months.

    If you mix mindful masturbation, kegels, and deep breathing, you will have A LOT more control than before, and you will be able to stop your ejaculation by squeezing your PC muscles if you went too far.
    Practice and play!
     
  20. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for the great advice.

    It's all about communication, exploration, and self expression.
     

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