Sex coach: ask your questions

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by Tibo87, Aug 27, 2019.

  1. I struggle with intimacy. Some of this stems from sexual abuse as a child while the other part is from being raised by two divorced parents who likewise weren’t intimate nor affectionate.

    What are some practices I can implement in my life that will help me grow in intimacy? I really want a relationship but I’m terrified of the intimacy required to have one.
    RobbyGo36, greenishmoon and recon117 like this.
  2. Tiger1

    Tiger1 Fapstronaut

    How did you get into this field? Like what's your story? I'm curious
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  3. I’m so groovy

    I’m so groovy Fapstronaut

    Do you think ur asexual? Like someone who just likes being around people for their presence and maybe touches but not sex
  4. {Ananta}

    {Ananta} Fapstronaut

    My Journal
    how is the best way to present sexual transmutation to your partner, S without O , without them becoming offended or hurt, as many think O is the main objective in S as if one does not achieve it then there is something wrong,
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  5. WalkingForward

    WalkingForward Fapstronaut

    No. But I have a fetish that can make me less interested in regular sex when I'm engulfed in it, but when I stay away from my fetish for a while, I become more interested in regular sex.

    Edit: I have not been pursuing sex or relationships very actively, and I have not taken all possible opportunities that has arisen for me. But I think that's because of shame, anxiety, fear etc. Not because of a lack of wanting a relationship. The idea of being in a relationship does cause me a lot of fear, especially as I age and start feeling increasingly abnormal due to my inexperience. But I know that I deep down want a relationship. A relationship with sex, intimacy, love and trust. I find it hard to trust but deep down, I want to trust. And I want to be more open, although I feel much safer being closed off and private.

    Edit2: Anyway, I think I need to do much more work on myself and my situation before sex and relationships can become a reality.

    Edit3: I'm not really sure what I want out of life. I'm striving to become a better version of myself, and the better version of myself might want different things and have different values etc.

    Edit4: I also think I have an attachment to my negative self-image and negative thought patterns. Because I have a belief that it's keeping me safe.

    Edit5: I'm all over the place now. I have a lot to work on.

    Edit6: I do sometimes put myself in situations outside of my comfort zone that make me grow. And despite setbacks, I am seeing gradual progress. This image rings true for me:

    Last edited: Aug 31, 2019
  6. Tibo87

    Tibo87 Fapstronaut

    Hi Augie, and thank you for opening up. I know it takes a lot of courage to share past with others.

    You already took the biggest step you could: you want to change despite what happened to you in the past. And this is amazing. Be proud of this desire to change.

    You can implement two major things in your everyday life to help you grow in intimacy:

    Reframe your inner dialogue:
    Because you have decided to change, now you need to be positive about it and about your abilities to become intimate with someone.
    You need to pass from ''I am terrified'' to ''I am confident''. Self-confidence will be a huge boost for you in your connections.
    Start by writing on a piece of paper all your limiting beliefs regarding intimacy. Then, on a new piece of paper, ''reframe'' all your limiting beliefs into positive outcomes. ex: ''I don't know how to connect with someone'' > ''I want to connect with a woman and I know how to make her happy''.
    Once you have done the reframing, DO A RITUAL, deciding that you will no longer have this limiting beliefs (you can burn the paper, step on it, thro it far away, etc).
    With the positive outcome, put them somewhere that you ill see them everyday, and repeat them out loud everyday for at least one month (keep going as long as you like). By repeating them, your brain will register them as ''true''. It is the magic of repetition.

    Build meaningful connections with others:
    Practice building connections with other people. Start as reconnecting with your family and friends. Then start to make new friends. Same idea here, by repeating the practice of creating bonds, you will be much more confident in your ability to have intimate relationship. Start to talk to people you have common things to share with, and then develop the connection.

    Communication is a big key here. Practice opening up to people, express your desires, and also how to say ''no''. All that makes you more confident with yourself, and that makes you good at connecting with people!
  7. Tibo87

    Tibo87 Fapstronaut

    Hi Tiger, thank you for your interest and curiosity!

    To be short (I have to go soon but I could elaborate later on haha), I used to struggle a lot with my own sexuality for years (porn addiction, PE, and bad relationships). When I started to travel, I have experienced a lot more, and by working in hospitality and as a personal trainer, I became passionate about helping others. I had few partners who told me to work in that field (few told me to become a male escort haha).

    I went to a festival and I had a revelation as I met my sex coach. She told me that I had a good talent for that and that I should develop it. I studied (a lot) of different practices and philosophies, and here is where I am today.
  8. Tibo87

    Tibo87 Fapstronaut

    Hi Anubis, thank you for your question.

    It's funny because we were talking about that with some friends few days ago.

    My answer will be quick because it has to be quick, and it should be an easy one.

    How do you say to a partner that you practice a sport? Well it should be the same.

    By being confident of your practice and your desires, you will be able to pass that excitement to others. Instead of being ashamed or scared that they could be hurt (which is only an inner dialogue, so it is not real), explain to your partner honestly and bluntly what you do, how you do it, and why you do it.
    Also, by telling your partner that you are doing something original that will make the experience even better, they will be even more intrigued and excited.

    A friend (woman) of me told me recently ''I met a guy doing tantra, it was the best sex of my life, did you know that???'' with a big smile on her face. She told me that she didn't know what transmutation was before, and she was blown away (no puns intended).

    Tell your partner that you are THE ONE focusing on pleasure, and not orgasm. Be proud of it.
  9. Tibo87

    Tibo87 Fapstronaut

    This is your life and your sexuality, don't compare yourself to others ''the same age, the same practice, etc''.
    I do some crazy stuff that would scare most of ''normal people'' off, and I am proud of that. JUST DO YOU!

    Also, when you say ''I deep down want a relationship / I want to trust / I want to be more open'', take this sentences, and write them ''I deep down work on having a relationship, I am trusting others, I am being more open'' and repeat them everyday in front of the mirror. It is an amazing self-talk and self-confidence practice.

    Write them down. Reframe them on an other piece of paper. And then let your old negative patterns go in a flamboyant way (burn the paper, burry them in the ground, or whatever you think is powerful for you).
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  10. Randy

    Randy Fapstronaut

    I have been married for 21 years. My wife is going through menopause and has lost most of her interest in sex. She says she loves me but she always pushes me away when I get frisky. I am 52 years old and while I do still get erections, they don't last long enough to have a properly long session of forplay followed by PIV sex anymore. Even when I was having sex with my wife, I did all the work, so I can't even do what is expected even if she is willing unless I get into pharmaceuticals. I recently had an affair with a woman who gave me BJs and hand jobs, and it was all going well, but when we were going to have PIV sex in a motel, my erection went away. She was totally willing to work with me, but I felt bad, because not only was I not performing, I was also cheating on my wife. I am presently 64 days into hard mode and my affair is now just a friend but still interested.
    I am thinking that it is just time to give up on sex. I had 16 years of good enough sex with my wife. We had a child. I've had some good sex with other women too and it is time to hang it up now and adjust to post-sexual life. I still wake up with erections every day and I'm still thinking about sexy stuff. What to do.
    Tibo87 likes this.
  11. Thank you for the advice. I will definitely start using these practices to help form my inner dialogue in a healthy direction. The other part of the advice that hit me was the communication part and saying “no”. I’ve found it’s easy to lose yourself by people pleasing sometimes in the desire to be more intimate with others. Saying “no” is good because intimacy is about allowing others to see you and accept you for who you are, and you can’t do that when you’re people pleasing.
    RobbyGo36, Deleted Account and Tibo87 like this.

    EXPONENTIALLY Fapstronaut

    Do you consider 'casual' / premarital sex good and healthy ?

    Is solitary masturbation less harmful than fornication (sex out of wedlock) ?

    What do you think of sexual purity (chastity, or abstinence for non-virgins) and sublimating the carnal pulses through positive outlets such as hobbies, sport, business, faith, etc. ?

    What are your thoughts on karezza (bonding, non-orgasmic sex) regarding the well-being in a heterosexual couple ?

    Is abortion an act of murder ?

    Is 'sex education' at school right ?

    Is there an industry between the pharmaceuticals and the medias and the coaches that has its foundation in a rationalized pacified promotted sexual debauchery today ?
    Last edited: Aug 31, 2019
    Randy likes this.
  13. As a woman, I will add a few things to this good list:

    *oral sex
    *be patient. One of the reasons I tend to have a harder time climaxing with my husband than on my own is because he's going too hard too fast. Light touches and teasing can be really good. I think a lot of men don't like that as much, so they don't realize that women do. Don't rush things.
    *I will reiterate the above advice to ask her what she likes. If you feel like it's awkward to ask during sex, ask her another time. If she likes masturbating, ask her what she does and what it is about that that she likes better than whatever you're doing. Maybe have her use her own hand to guide your hand.
  14. Lol this reminded me of Dwight and Angela asking Toby questions about sex on The Office. Anyone?

    I like this question. I've been curious about that too. I think the advice given was good, and I would echo the importance of talking about it a bit beforehand. I know I've asked my husband before if he would be okay with me using certain words, and he was not okay with it. So I was glad I asked instead of just doing it.

    Woman, here. Can confirm. That's a huge turn on. Unless you get so embarrassed about it that you have to stop everything and not give her pleasure, too. That's the only way I can see that being a problem.

    I would advise to lean into that with confidence. Just say man, you're so hot I just couldn't hold back any longer. And then continue to please her in other ways.

    Another thing I've noticed a few people talking about here is worrying about their lack of experience, and I would also like to say that that, too, can actually be a turn on for a lot of women. That means they get to be in control and show you what to do, and you're probably going to be super excited about everything. That sounds fun to me! Lol much more fun than being with a guy who thinks he knows everything and has had so much sex they don't even see it as something special anymore.
  15. Tibo87

    Tibo87 Fapstronaut

    @Randy and @EXPONENTIALLY and @Castielle

    All great stuff and questions here, thank for sharing.

    I'll have time to answer all of it tomorrow night, but know that I've read your questions!
    Randy likes this.
  16. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut


    It's all about sharing the experience with somebody. Sharing who you are with them and them sharing who they are with you. It's an experience where you help each other spiral upwards. Sex like with any other aspect of a relationship is supposed to be an adventure.

    You are where you're at in life and your partner is where they are at the moment. A great relationship is based on being open, honest, and accepting. If it isn't, then it's time to move on rather than hiding, manipulating, and tolerating to maintain a toxic relationship with a person that isn't right for you.

    A new relationship / experience / sexual encounter is meant to be exciting. Be curious and full of wonder. Do not make it all about you. Do not hide, conserve, shut down, and go selfishly inwards as a way to protect yourself from the risk of being emotionally hurt. That destroys the connection entirely. It's as if the other person isn't even there and you don't want them to be there. As if you don't want them in your life adventure because you're so concerned with your perceived limitations and insecurities.

    Your importance / values should be bigger than your flaws. The right people don't care about perfection. Imperfections are how people connect with each other. Perfection is how you create walls of solitude that hides away from reality and other people. Relationships are made for a couple to grow together. Not to be so perfect and bulletproof that nothing can ever hurt you and nothing could ever go wrong.

    EXPONENTIALLY Fapstronaut

  18. Tibo87

    Tibo87 Fapstronaut

    Thank you for opening up.

    Going into menopause for a woman is a very big leap. How long has she been ''transitioning for''? A drop in libido is fairly ''normal'' at the beginning, especially during the time that her hormones come back to homeostasis (balance level of all her hormones).

    The older you get, the more ''difficult'' it becomes to have an erection. Also, lifestyle play a huge factor into your ability to have an erection. You should check how you can decrease your level of stress, reduce alcohol and smoking (if you do it), eat better (more veggies and fruits), and exercise. You can check your testosterone level with a doctor, and it it is low, you can increase it naturally will the solutions that I just gave you.

    Two other solution for increasing your erection are:
    * Do kegel exercises, which will strengthen your PC muscles, thus giving you stronger erections.
    * Practice mindful masturbation. This will teach you how to recognize your pleasure zones and triggers, and you will learn how to control the level of your erections. I have detailed Mindful Masturbation in other posts on this thread. Same for Kegel exercises.

    I would advise you to stay away from pharmaceutical. You must know all the bad side effects coming with it, and you are still young enough to have strong erections and be in control of it.

    This shows two things: you still have sexual needs, and your inner dialogue is blocking you to fully let go and be confident into your abilities of maintaining an erection.

    By reframing your inner dialogue and practice self-confidence everyday (out loud, in front of the mirror), you will be able to teach yourself and your brain that you are strong and in control. Repetition is key here, and the more you will do it, the more you will believe in it, and the more it will happen.

    Randy, it all comes down to your desire. Not your wife, not mines, but yours!
    Start by having a honest conversation with yourself.
    Take three pieces of papers:
    * On the first one, write down what would happen if you decided to stop sex all together (no more with your wife, no masturbation, no other women, etc). How do you feel about that?
    * On the second one, write down what would happen if you were doing nothing. Still trying to make love to your wife, still teasing yourself thinking about sexy stuff without the opportunity to express them fully, etc. How do you feel about that?
    * Finally, write done what would happen if you were taking back control of your sexuality, taking back control of your erections, expressing fully your needs and desires, sharing more intimate moments with your wife or with other women. How do you feel about that?

    This will give you a much clearer vision of what you want in the future. You will be able to chose what is the best for you, and to go toward that path.

    The next step, and one of the most important one, will be open and clear communication with your wife.
    Randy, you must live your life for yourself, not others.
    If you have sexual needs, for your wife or for other women, you must tell her.
    If you decide to ''let go of sex'', you must tell her.

    This will be a conversation with a lot of breakthroughs. By expressing your vision and by letting your wife know and answer back to you, you will take this block out of your chest, and you will know that whatever the outcome is, you won't have any regrets, and you will be proud of affirming yourself and your desire.

    Set up a specific date and time (minimum 1 hour for this kind of discussion), and tell her that you want to dedicate this time fully with her to talk about something important. Find a quiet place, and switch all your phones, external sources of entertainment, and no kids as well.
    You will be the one talking first. Before to start, tell her that you want her full attention, and that she would be only listening for 15 min (maybe more if you think you need more, she can ''active listen'' by nodding and encourage you to talk). Then tell her that it will be her turn to talk, that you will be fully listening to her and that it create space for trust and be fully honest.

    Once you have done that, thank her for listening to you and for sharing her vision as well. Hug and kiss eachothers to show both of you that you are strong and you love eachothers no matter what.
    If you feel the need to, you can then exchange about what you both shared. No arguments or judgment here, it will be only for positive outcome and strengthening your relationship.

    I want to be honest and blunt with you Randy. If you have sexual needs and desires, and if your wife is not ready to share and fulfill your needs, she will have to accept that you will find an other woman doing so. There is a lot of couple that are fully happy in their relationship, but have agreement for sexual desires with someone outside of the marriage.
    Your wife, if she does not want to have sex, would have to agree with you on certain terms for your desires to be fully fulfilled (how often, does she want to know or not, does she want to participate or not, would it be someone that you know, or only random people, etc).

    You have different tools to play with here, and the most important message that I want to pass you is this Randy: Do YOU. If you make yourself happy, you will be able to share it even more to your wife, and you will have an even better relationship. No regrets, no more holding back, only strong and beautiful connections.
    aspiringwriter1997 and Randy like this.
  19. Randy

    Randy Fapstronaut

    Thank you for the thoughtful answer and exercises.
    I am curious about one other thing. I discovered nofap over 6 years ago. Prior to that I had been masturbating or having sex frequently since 13 years old. When I first built up nofap streaks, my wife was still sexual and my performance was the best ever and I produced copious semen. Now after 6 years of nofap streaks punctuated by very infrequent sex and masturbation, I feel that my performance is worse than ever. I wonder if I am letting my system atrophy by not using it.

    Thank you!
    Elzapadelagente likes this.

  20. I will be messaging you or Pming you so hopefully you will get my message. But I'm 27 years old, haven't had sex in 5-6 years. As much as I talk to the first woman I had sex with, she doesn't seem interested in me anymore and it just leaves me broken. I don't see myself having sex for a very long time, unless I go down the escort road, which I don't want to do. Woman just don't seem interested in me in reality.. I've been dating online for a little bit right now and were from different countries. This woman sends me somewhat revealing photos of her, but some times I wish I had that in real life. She is sexually attracted to me, sometimes this hurts my streaks. I'm not sure if I should be going threw with this relationship or not.

    I've tried tinder and it's hard meeting local gals regardless, especially when they don't message back, evem though I get a like and message them. I'm not really sure what else to do. I feel as if masturbating is hurting my masculinity, or sexual aura/charisma? I don't know if I need a coach or just work on myself for a long time? What are your thoughts/opinions? I'm at a dry spell like my mom has said..

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