Sex, handjobs or blowjobs during reboot?

I had this predicament to a point. It depends a lot on how far into your reboot you are, I've noticed, but the effectiveness of specific times depends on each person too. For me, I was well over a month into my reboot before I got with a girl again. By that point, I was entirely resistant against the idea of PM, so I knew my convictions would keep me afloat, and sex has not swayed me to return to it. So you need to ask yourself how you feel about the current progress of your reboot and if the idea of sex right now will affect that. If it does, it would seem to me that you ought to tell her your intentions, or find another solution. Just my opinion. But either way I hope my experience has provided some insight for you. Best of luck!

 

Why can’t you tell her? You are very early in reboot and It’s highly unlikely that you will succeed if you are not honest with her. And even if you do when she finds out (and she will) she will feel betrayed and likely leave you. So the answer is in general sex with an SO you are being honest with about your reboot is usually fine so long as it does not serve as a potential trigger for relapse. But only O from her don’t use your own hand at all.

 

Ahh I get it so you think the way to rebuild trust and fix your past lies is to lie some more. This is sarcasm, it won’t. The mistake many addicts who choose to hide things from the partners make is that they think they will fix this on their own before their partner ever finds out, and that my friend is a very very small chance. She will most likely find out, she will discover that yet again you were being dishonest with her and this time she is less likely to forgive you. Everytime you break her trust, she dies inside just a little more, and it is harder for you to rebuild the relationshp and the trust. Showing that you are weak and vunerable is how you fall in love. You must be willing to be weak and vunerable to fall in love. Hiding and lying will never lead to love, it will lead to a pretend relationship. She will fall in love not with you, but with the fake version of you, the one you have created for her to see. Take it from someone who has been there, and who has been lied to, this is not going to end well and wha you are doing is not fair to your partner, not at all. If you don’t believe what I am saying pop over to the partners forum and read some of the gut wrenching stories of women who have been in the situation your girlfirend is right now. Think about her, not just about yourself. You are not protecting her from your “fetish” you are protecting yourself, from the shame you feel in telling her.

 

If you can't trust her and you're afraid that she will lie to you again... I'm sorry Bro, but to me this sounds like your relationship is pretty much over. You have two options here:

A) Have a serious relationship talk with her and be 100% honest with each other. If she doesn't want to have this conversation; go to option B. If she lies again about lying; go to option B. If she's just not THAT into you; go to option B.

B) Just leave her. If she flirts with other guys and lies to you straight to your face, you gotta dump her Bro.

In a loving relationship you can talk just about anything without having to hide who you are. Who knows, maybe she enjoys the same things than you? You'll never find out if you don't open your mouth...

 

Totally agree and particularly with the last part. Sometimes we get our minds set that there is only one person for us person X and we must have them. So we try to be what they want not realizing that there are tons of people who would love us for exactly who we are. It’s like constantly trying to shove a square peg into a round hole. It fits a little bit maybe stays there for a while but eventually it falls out and breaks. Now very few people would be okay with dating an addict of any kind who was not in recovery or at least trying to change but if you are trying to change you have to be honest to find those people! If you say I’m a pmo addict in recovery and she runs then she was not the girl for you and never would have been. Don’t waste your time and hers. Low self esteem often causes one to say no one will ever accept who I am so I need to lie but that’s not true! You just need to give people a chance. And unhealthy relationships fuel addiction.

 

Okay yes it read as if you were dishonest. No worries . The betrayal trauma you describe I felt that as did many SOs when they find out about the pmo addiction. It’s like your whole world has turned upside down! You say how could I be so dumb? You question everyone in your life. Is my best friend lying? Is my boss? Who the F am I dating? And this is exactly how she is going to feel when she finds out your secret. Why would you want to do that to someone? And trust and honesty are the two major building blocks of a relationship. If trust is broken and the other person is not willing to try to rebuild and the other forgive it’s a waste of time it will fail. I would be interested to know what she did did she cheat? Everyone of course has their own definition of cheating and if they convey to their partner what that is and they ignor it that’s broken trust. But simply talked to an ex? I talk to all my exes with the exception of a few. I’m friends with their wives and my partner knows them too. They are my friends. I of course am upfront with my partner and don’t hide it. But I have dated men that are extremely jealous and could not deal and I often thought about lying to them but I thought no that’s not okay and just ended things. Point being that or a woman or dating an extremely insecure or jealous man I could see her lying about it. Flirting too is a fluid topic. Obviously if they are speaking of sex age such that crosses a line. But I’ve dated guys who got made if I laughed or spoke to a guy for too long. I work in a male dominated industry. Do you know how man men flirt with me in a given week? Finally and I’m not saying this is the case but if you engaged in pmo while dating her even if you watched a lot of porn it almost certainly effected th relationship even if she had no idea you watched it! Having been with non pmo addicts and a pmo addict the pmo addict has sex totally different. They are disconnected. They don’t look you in the eye there or very little kissing. It’s all about the addicts pleasure. The best way I would describe it is it feels like the addict is using your body to mo. There is no connection or intimacy. You treat women like objects. Often pmo addicts say no I put her on a pedestal she’s not an object except that is treating her as an object not your equal. Why I say all this is to tell you that women in relationships with pmo addicts very often seek out the company of other men as they feel neglected by their partner. That does not make it right hour gives an explanation.

 

Why are you even still with her? She lied to your face. Told you she was staying with her brother when in reality it was her ex boyfriend she was staying with. She then send pictures of herself to other men whilst she’s in a relationship with you. She lies to your face, then sends pictures to men... and you’re telling me you believe her when she said nothing happened between her and her ex boyfriend, “just business related” something don’t seem right... doesn’t take a genius.

 

I am known on here for being a little too blunt at times so I hope you don’t take offense to what I’m about to say but first get out of that relationship. You deserve so much better! I don’t care what she’s trying to do to make it right it’s too late that’s bs and it’s too big of a lie. If you stay I can assure you that it’s very likely she will do this again and you are asking to be hurt by staying with her. Second this is not a fetish you have an addiction and what you describe is porn induced ED. You need to realize the serious nature of what you are dealing with. But porn addict or not you don’t deserve to be treated like this and if someone did to me what she did to you I would not want to have sex with them either! Maybe your body is just telling you something your mind is not ready to accept?

 

Yes you have to cut out the porn and masturbation for at least 90 days. Don’t touch yourself at all other than to clean or use the bathroom. You can’t just stop for a week or two it takes time.

 

If I was in your position, I wouldn't count that as a failure. Maybe if you think having sex would refuel your porn addiction, I don't know