Sex just isn't exciting

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by SomeGuyUK, Mar 27, 2016.

  1. SomeGuyUK

    SomeGuyUK Fapstronaut

    11
    8
    3
    I've recently started actually having a girl in my life, and I sort of enjoy doing stuff with her, but it doesn't excite me. Even though she's hot, and I like her, and the relationship is new!

    I'm 6 weeks into no PMO, but the only idea that gets me excited is relapsing. In the bedroom I just don't feel any excitement. Good feelings, yes, but not much else. I barely stay hard and I don't even get a tingle of working up to climax.

    No PMO has definitely improved this, but by only a small amount, and the thing my brain is crying out for right now is not sex but MO.

    How can I get past this?
     
    rave756 and Seagull like this.
  2. You gotta stay strong on the NoFap path, man. That's the only way to fix that.

    Look at it this way. What you're describing, to me, seems like a pretty scary reality of how deeply addicted you've become. And I don't say that with judgment, because I've been there too, not being excited by sex and preferring to MO. I can say, now, though, even though my current streak isn't very long and I'm by no means "over" this addiction, that has totally changed for me. I honestly don't even know what happened that changed it. Just time, I suppose. But I can say with all honestly, now, that I would rather have sex than PMO, and that's something I haven't been able to say for a long time.

    It's possible to change and for things to get better, but it will take time and a whole lot of effort. You have to focus on what you really want. If you truly desire for sex with your lady to be as great as it can be, then do everything you can to make that happen. No PMO, no fantasizing, having sex frequently, trying to be more intimate with her outside of sexy-times, etc. That last one is a BIG thing that helped me a lot. I came to a point where, instead of continuing to be frustrated by my desires to PMO and my lack of interest in real sex, I decided that what I really wanted was for sex to be as good as it possibly could be. So I made a list in my mind of everything I could do to make that happen, and one of those things was to spend more time with my man in general, outside of the bedroom. That really changed things a lot for me. He became a much bigger part of my life, and just being with him was more exciting than it had been in the past, which made sex more exciting on a different level. It also provided something that I love about sex that can't possibly be a part of PMOing: companionship.

    I hope some of that helps. I've definitely been where you're at, and I know how frustrating that feels. It feels like it's impossible to fix, but that's a lie! Don't believe it! It is very possible.
     
  3. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

    1,008
    3,218
    143
    Real life sex cannot compare physically to a PMO session. Physically, real life sex does seem inferior to PMO. Think of it like a drug user.... a normal day cannot compare to the high of being on drugs. Yes, the drugs cause awful side effects but the high feels so good in the moment. Similarly, PMO causes many negative consequences but the feeling in the moment does feel really good. Part of recovery is filling the void where PMO used to be. Unfortunately, the substitutes aren't the same nor will they completely fill the void. But you must come to terms that those feelings can no longer be felt. You will not feel that artificial, overwhelming dopamine rush in a natural setting. It's part of the past and you have to leave it there. As time goes on, the memories of those feelings need to fade. When you encounter stress or triggers it will remind you of those feelings, so you have to avoid bringing those thoughts and feelings back to your mind.

    Also during this detox period your mind will want to return to that overstimulated, excited state of mind. I think of Caesar Milan and how he trains dogs. An untrained dog is constantly in an excited state. He acts out, jumps, barks, and bites. He loves feeling that way and think it's normal, but it's not. He trains them to have a calm, submissive state. Our minds crave that excited state of mind. This calmness is uncomfortable and frankly... boring. But it is a healthier state of mind.

    Real life sex will feel better as time goes on. Your sensitivity and stamina will return. You are just in another phase of your recovery. Be patient and your mind will continue to heal.
     
    Last edited: Mar 28, 2016
    WifeInTheDark likes this.
  4. DireMerl

    DireMerl Fapstronaut

    281
    508
    93
    I disagree. I think sex can be exciting and enjoyable. It is far better than pmo. You're not training your brain to enjoy boring sex. You're letting your brain remember how good it feels to be with a real person.

    A drug high is, I guess, similar to a pmo session. You feel great yes. That doesn't mean drugs are better than real life. There are many ways to enjoy and gain fulfillment from real life. Drugs nearly cloud your thinking and stop you from seeing the greatness in real experiences. It is hollow and empty. Eventually you end up dying alone. That doesn't compare to what you gain from true life experiences, finding companionship, raising children, enjoying your career. Whatever path you chose to take with your life, will be far better than spending your life, sat in front of your computer covered in your own sweat and semen. You will wake up one day and realise you wasted everything.

    Keep abstaining. Sex should start to feel good again.
     
    zenman likes this.
  5. Ikindaknew

    Ikindaknew Fapstronaut

    1,577
    1,561
    143
    Yes,
    PMO and deathgrip (don't know if its your issue) make real sex less appealing, but its all an illusion.
    The goal to reach is to re-wire, to re-learn how to real sex. At least it's MY goal.
     
    Vain likes this.
  6. kk76

    kk76 Fapstronaut

    397
    209
    43
    Slowly, just slowly, real life sex has started to feel more enjoyable. I still don't O during sex but that's OK. I like it more, I enjoy the sensation and I focus on me and what I am feeling.

    It's very different to the quick f*ck sessions it used to be
     
    rave756, TheWife and TakingTheSteps like this.
  7. Woohoo! Progress! :)
     
    rave756 likes this.
  8. kk76

    kk76 Fapstronaut

    397
    209
    43
    Some what.

    There's a lot to undo. Never have I O during sex or when anyone else is touching me. No issue doing it myself either alone or in company.

    Could be thirty years of MO and PMO.

    I used to worry as we want children but how does that happen if I don't O during orgasm? We found a way round it tho
     
  9. Rav70

    Rav70 Fapstronaut

    991
    937
    93
    Your post sounds damn depressing. I wouldn't lump all addicts in your description. You use OUR minds...
    I've asked my boyfriend many of the topics you discussed and he's enjoying sex immensely and doesn't miss PMO. It sounds like your jonesin brah.
     
    rave756 likes this.
  10. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

    1,008
    3,218
    143
    Wow, seems like I got some disagreement on this one and I feel I need to clarify. If someone is constantly comparing the old feelings of PMO to real life sex within the first few weeks/months of recovery then the person is going to be sadly disappointed. When a recovering addict 'reminisces about the old days' then they are setting themselves up for disappointment. If someone hits a phase where they are depressed and feeling empty then they will long for the days when PMO made them feel better.

    What did the Porn Addiction 101 article say? It says porn is more available, more novel, and stimulating than real sex. It tricks and deceives the brain into thinking it's better. Yes, real life sex gives you so much more than PMO. But it takes time for the brain to believe it. A milestone in recovery is when you prefer real life sex over PMO. Recovery is when you don't need porn to medicate. Recovery is when you don't need your fetishes to get you off. Recovery is more than the brain rewiring itself. It's a psychological healing that makes you appreciate what is real over what is imitation. It also comes when your relationship with your SO reaches the point where you can appreciate the real benefits of being in a loving relationship.

    Plus it takes time for the equipment down below to return to normal working order. We experience a desensitization that comes from PMO which resulted in PE, DE, and PIED. It takes time for those symptoms to go away and for the nerve endings to wake up. Some never reach that level of dysfunction. Some have to wait weeks or months to regain full sensitivity.

    I pointed out to the OP that it is a phase and to not be worried and to be patient. Some don't have these feelings, but this poor guy is scared that at 6 weeks he's alone in feeling this way. I used to feel this way, but not anymore. A person with an addictive personality needs to have his mind constantly stimulated and recovery can seem like a barren wasteland of boredom. Happiness might seem impossibly far away for someone in this phase. Again, it's just a phase that some go through.
     
    Last edited: Mar 29, 2016
  11. Ikindaknew

    Ikindaknew Fapstronaut

    1,577
    1,561
    143
    Yes, the darn coolidge effect that makes us search for the next "best video" or best picture. Constant novelty.
    This is what makes watching the same videos boring. This is why I DL'd and stored hundreds of videos that I wouldn't watch. I kinda noticed that a few times when I would flush my collection out of guilt. I was never watching these things....always looking for the newly posted vids (often reshuffled old vids from other sites). COOLIDGE MOFO.
    This is also what got me PIED. Falling deeper and deeper in fetish and different genre porn, everything already experience sounds like old news. This is a sick mirage. This is quicksands, swallowing you whole, taking real life and real sex enjoyment away from you.

    PMO gives you the option to die alone! Soon, VR will give you the option to die alone with a headset on!
    I'm glad I'm working on getting myself out of that dead end. Now I get more sleep, I feel more energized, no frustration, a steady erection, I get a happier life with my SO and I enjoy real sex.
     
    Buzz Lightyear and zenman like this.
  12. I totally agree with you, man. With your first post as well. It's hard for people who aren't addicted to understand that I think, because it's a harsh truth. But it's truth, nonetheless.
     
  13. FredSamson

    FredSamson Fapstronaut

    192
    52
    28
    Great tips, thanks!
     
    TakingTheSteps likes this.
  14. DireMerl

    DireMerl Fapstronaut

    281
    508
    93
    I think it just goes to show how very broken you are. To share something so special with another person, feeling like it's not as good as pmo. I would imagine you need to reevaluate your thinking. Otherwise you will end up sad and alone.
     
  15. I feel like that's a little harsh and unnecessary to say. We all know we're broken. That's why we're here. I've been in OPs situation many times and I am so in love with my husband and we have a great sex life and I understand how frustrating it is to still feel like you want PMO more. It's a very tough journey to get past that, not as easy as most people assume.
     
  16. Rav70

    Rav70 Fapstronaut

    991
    937
    93
    I'm not an addict so I don't get it. Seems easy to me when you look at the destruction it causes.
    BUT....
    I try my best to be understanding!
     
  17. I know how you feel, because I was in that boat with my husband before I became an addict myself. I really didn't think it was an "addiction" and I thought you should be able to just get over it if you know how much pain it's causing. And I was oh so very wrong about that.
     
  18. But I do seriously understand exactly what you mean/how you feel. I had those exact same feelings so many times I can't even count.
     
  19. DireMerl

    DireMerl Fapstronaut

    281
    508
    93
    I'm not trying to be harsh. Just seems to me like it's a very sad way to live life. I'm not saying you're doing it on purpose. If that's how you feel then I guess that's how you feel. I'll still never get my head around it. If anything, self pleasure makes me lonely and more frustrated that I can't have the real thing.
     
  20. Well I'm sincerely glad you feel that way, dear, I really am. That's a great and healthy way to be and I hope to get there some day too. I think we're all a bit envious of that feeling and would be/are doing anything we can to be able to feel that way as well.
     
  21. SomeGuyUK

    SomeGuyUK Fapstronaut

    11
    8
    3
    Thanks, this is sort of encouraging!
     

Share This Page