cleaningupmyact
Fapstronaut
Hit the 30-Day Hard Mode No PMO mark again this week!
For those unaware, Hard Mode is No P, No M, and No O. Zero percent. I have not spanked my chicken haha.
Sometimes my low self-esteem addict-brain creeps in and wants to downplay this achievement. There's a funny quote in 12 Steps:
"Quitting P is easy! I quit all the time!!"
cracks me up
So it's true I went 90 Days last year, and this is not my longest stretch, by any means. But it is a really good one, and was hard-earned. The first 30 is always the most brutal. And also, the world and my life are very different from last year. To get sobriety under these new circumstances feels like a miracle.
My program of recovery is a lot more intentionally spiritual than it was last year. Last year was very spiritual indeed, but mostly because of my excitement joining 12 Steps (SAA and SPAA) and making new friends there, as well as here. And that was such a boost that it is a bit like a spiritual shortcut. I didn't pray, barely meditated, and I didn't do any work on Step 2. The faith I had was default, by being in the program. Kind of like "beginners luck" in a way.
Today, I work a very intentional daily routine of recovery habits. And what's the difference? Well, take a look at:
My PMO symptoms
My Recovery Benefits
So what have I done, for anyone curious?
1. Admitted I am a chronic sex addict, who is powerless over this addiction / disease and cannot manage my life on my own (Step 1)
2. Came to believe a power greater than myself (spirituality, nature, conscience, gut instinct - non religious, in my case) - could and would restore me to sanity, if sought.
3. Made a decision to turn my will and life over to the care of this higher power to guide me and my actions
How does that look in actions and habits?
every day when I wake up, I have a morning routine:
1. I pray (3 secular 12 step prayers)
2. I read recovery daily literature (Answers In the Heart or Voices of Recovery)
3. write down 5-10 things I am grateful for
4. take meds and eat healthy breakfast
5. I move plants to altar and meditate
6. I spend some time outside, touching a plant and feeling sun (if sunny).
--> I do all these things before touching a computer. Takes < 30 minutes
also:
7. focus on dental hygiene
8. exercise / lift weights
Before bed, I have an evening routine:
1. put plants back
2. take meds
3. read 2 pages from AA Big Book, taking notes
4. Listen to part of a 12-Step talk
5. Play relaxing (meditation bowl) sounds
6. I pray (3 secular 12 step prayers) to HP
What do I do during the day?
1. I post here every day, and usually journal every other day here.
2. I attend at least 1-2 online 12 Step meetings
3. I text or call a recovery fellow, and try to be of service
4. (most days) work on website
5. I s l o w down and accept that I will never get to my entire to do list
6. I spend 3-4 hours in my car at least every other day. I spend a lot more time out of the house now, even if I am just by myself in my car resting / reading.
7. I really broke the cycle of scrolling online for dopamine, in general. Online shopping, browsing YT, chatgroups, social media, compulsive email checking -- all way, way down. I don't use those things to keep my emotional center anymore.
8. I spend much less time caring about what people think of me and / or being afraid of loneliness. I enjoy solitude quite a lot now, although I am also socializing much more.
9. I frequently work Step 10 and take accountability for my severe character defects / mental illness around being an addict. Being an addict isn't just about the "acting out" behaviors, it's about an entire world-construct inside my head of self-pity (I Am the Victim), resentments (These Are The Reason I Am Unhappy) and fear (It Will Not Turn Out Okay). These are the basic delusion (psychotic self-beliefs) that perpetuate my unhappiness and keep me in collision with others. It's amazing how much more socializing and happiness I can access, simply by admitting that in 90% of situations I Am The Problem. I am in recovery, and working on things.
10. Giving up my Old Way of Life. That is: music scene, hanging with 20-somethings all the time, being around bars or spiritually empty / sick people, trying to force acceptance in communities that are simply OK to Bad for my recovery.
There's more of course, but that's a good working list for now. I am also much more in touch with goals / hopes / aspirations than ever before. Recovery is so much easier when I have things to look forward to tomorrow.
Hope something in there helps someone else.
For those unaware, Hard Mode is No P, No M, and No O. Zero percent. I have not spanked my chicken haha.
Sometimes my low self-esteem addict-brain creeps in and wants to downplay this achievement. There's a funny quote in 12 Steps:
"Quitting P is easy! I quit all the time!!"
cracks me up
So it's true I went 90 Days last year, and this is not my longest stretch, by any means. But it is a really good one, and was hard-earned. The first 30 is always the most brutal. And also, the world and my life are very different from last year. To get sobriety under these new circumstances feels like a miracle.
My program of recovery is a lot more intentionally spiritual than it was last year. Last year was very spiritual indeed, but mostly because of my excitement joining 12 Steps (SAA and SPAA) and making new friends there, as well as here. And that was such a boost that it is a bit like a spiritual shortcut. I didn't pray, barely meditated, and I didn't do any work on Step 2. The faith I had was default, by being in the program. Kind of like "beginners luck" in a way.
Today, I work a very intentional daily routine of recovery habits. And what's the difference? Well, take a look at:
My PMO symptoms
My Recovery Benefits
So what have I done, for anyone curious?
1. Admitted I am a chronic sex addict, who is powerless over this addiction / disease and cannot manage my life on my own (Step 1)
2. Came to believe a power greater than myself (spirituality, nature, conscience, gut instinct - non religious, in my case) - could and would restore me to sanity, if sought.
3. Made a decision to turn my will and life over to the care of this higher power to guide me and my actions
How does that look in actions and habits?
every day when I wake up, I have a morning routine:
1. I pray (3 secular 12 step prayers)
2. I read recovery daily literature (Answers In the Heart or Voices of Recovery)
3. write down 5-10 things I am grateful for
4. take meds and eat healthy breakfast
5. I move plants to altar and meditate
6. I spend some time outside, touching a plant and feeling sun (if sunny).
--> I do all these things before touching a computer. Takes < 30 minutes
also:
7. focus on dental hygiene
8. exercise / lift weights
Before bed, I have an evening routine:
1. put plants back
2. take meds
3. read 2 pages from AA Big Book, taking notes
4. Listen to part of a 12-Step talk
5. Play relaxing (meditation bowl) sounds
6. I pray (3 secular 12 step prayers) to HP
What do I do during the day?
1. I post here every day, and usually journal every other day here.
2. I attend at least 1-2 online 12 Step meetings
3. I text or call a recovery fellow, and try to be of service
4. (most days) work on website
5. I s l o w down and accept that I will never get to my entire to do list
6. I spend 3-4 hours in my car at least every other day. I spend a lot more time out of the house now, even if I am just by myself in my car resting / reading.
7. I really broke the cycle of scrolling online for dopamine, in general. Online shopping, browsing YT, chatgroups, social media, compulsive email checking -- all way, way down. I don't use those things to keep my emotional center anymore.
8. I spend much less time caring about what people think of me and / or being afraid of loneliness. I enjoy solitude quite a lot now, although I am also socializing much more.
9. I frequently work Step 10 and take accountability for my severe character defects / mental illness around being an addict. Being an addict isn't just about the "acting out" behaviors, it's about an entire world-construct inside my head of self-pity (I Am the Victim), resentments (These Are The Reason I Am Unhappy) and fear (It Will Not Turn Out Okay). These are the basic delusion (psychotic self-beliefs) that perpetuate my unhappiness and keep me in collision with others. It's amazing how much more socializing and happiness I can access, simply by admitting that in 90% of situations I Am The Problem. I am in recovery, and working on things.
10. Giving up my Old Way of Life. That is: music scene, hanging with 20-somethings all the time, being around bars or spiritually empty / sick people, trying to force acceptance in communities that are simply OK to Bad for my recovery.
There's more of course, but that's a good working list for now. I am also much more in touch with goals / hopes / aspirations than ever before. Recovery is so much easier when I have things to look forward to tomorrow.
Hope something in there helps someone else.
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