Sex Starved Husbands

Discussion in 'Off-topic Discussion' started by HereAndThere, Nov 30, 2018.

  1. HereAndThere

    HereAndThere Fapstronaut

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    Its a long video so i will give you the gist of it. Its commentary from sex therapist Bettina Arndt, talking about what it's like to be a husband, be a man, living his life groveling for sex. It concentrates on this issue many long term relationships have where men want sex and women dont, or at least want it much less.

    First i want to get those arguments that women want sex just as much as men out of the way. That is a weak argument, because circumstances required for women wanting sex are different, making real situation very different. Only one woman in ten wants sex more than their partner. In 90% of the cases this is problem for men.

    Classic advice is that all areas of relationship are somehow subject to compromise except sex. And that will stay that way for 'various' reasons. There are multiple angles to this issue. One of those angles is that many women are out of touch with their sexuality and its their responsibility also to better communicate with their partners. Could it be?! Blasphemy! So lets just acknowledge the situation and not the causes.

    Why am i doing NoFap? i cant say it is to have a healthy relationship with a woman anymore, because thats just not something i have control over. One woman quoted in the video said "Sex gets wrapped up in all the garbage of the day". Its because women experience sex like that, its not just that act, its about EVERYTHING that happen in her life. You can be a perfect partner and if there is ANYTHING bothering her during the day she wont be able to get in her mood.

    Soon these relationships degenerate into you managing all the small things(and big things) that might upset her, maybe pulling her into another reality, i know many of you know what i am talking about. With men is actually the opposite: hard days and stress kinda urge us to have sex to reduce stress.

    Is that the relationship i want? Are my expectations wrong and i should just suck it up and leave my sex life at the mercy of randomness of the day? Can i suck it up? Is foregoing LTRs and commitment maybe the right thing to do? These questions is what i asked myself.

    On the deepest level of this whole issue i recognize this expectation,demand, feminine has for masculine to fix all the problems of the world. Yeah, no wonder relationships are in crisis...
     
  2. Is this an actual statistic or are you just pulling this out of thin air based on your own assumptions? You can't just say random numbers like "1 in 10" and "90%" out of nowhere. Those numbers mean something. Unless you're the president, then I guess you can just fill in the blank with whatever number you feel sounds right.
     
  3. HereAndThere

    HereAndThere Fapstronaut

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    In the video Arndt put women who wanted much more sex in separate category(at 28:32) and she said they were one in ten. At 12:53 she said its mostly men who had issues with not having enough sex. I dont think that description from video would satisfy you so i searched for more:
    https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/cultural-animal/201012/the-reality-the-male-sex-drive
    https://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/news/20050928/married-with-kids-is-libido-lower-for-women#1
    https://www.livescience.com/18233-women-lose-sexual-desire.html
    https://www.webmd.com/sex/features/sex-drive-how-do-men-women-compare#1

    Its not exactly hard to believe. Its common knowledge. If you would actually validate experiences of married men i think you would have a different perspective.
     
  4. Thanks for providing the links. I'd still like to see a study strictly on single twenty-somethings in 2018. I'm guessing the gap would be much narrower thanks to you-know-what.
     
  5. Oh please. Dont play this crap. I say one thing about wondering whether or not a statistic is true and that means I dont validate experiences of married men? That's utter stupidity. I validate the experiences of men all the time, as many many people here have seen.

    And I don't understand what you mean by "you would have a different perspective." You dont even know what my perspective is. I didnt give it to you yet. All I said was where did that statistic come from. I actually have posted things very similar to this post of yours in the past, but if you're going to just assume I dont give a crap about men out of nowhere, then theres really no point in any kind of discussion.
     
  6. I'm not denying that biological factors lead to most men wanting more sex than women, but what exactly is the point you're trying to make? Are you saying there is no point in having a relationship because you will only end up sexually frustrated as a man?
     
  7. HereAndThere

    HereAndThere Fapstronaut

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    Its all obvious stuff. What was interesting to me was how it was approached in the video, male perspective included. It also mentions this "all life" perspective of female sexuality, which keeps popping up here and there, thats kinda becoming my view.
     
  8. HereAndThere

    HereAndThere Fapstronaut

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    My point was to put attention on this video and to think about how to deal with this frustration. In a sense, not having a relationship is one of the options, at least LTR as i mentioned above. Its not my absolute conviction in this moment in my life though, thats why i am thinking about it.
     
  9. Ra's Al Ghul

    Ra's Al Ghul Fapstronaut

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  10. Well, if you really feel like not getting to express your biological sex drive (compared to only having sex to express your need to feel closer to your partner) would make you feel unfulfilled and unhappy, then I guess that would be an option. Otherwise you could always hope to find a partner who is sexually compatible with you or, as you acknowledged yourself already, communicate with your partner to find a solution. Although I personally can't understand how you can put that much importance on getting sexual physical release in a romantic relationship. But to each his own.
     
  11. HereAndThere

    HereAndThere Fapstronaut

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    I appreciate how your words are thoughtfully put. Well first, i dont think that we can say "expressing your biological sex drive"(sex drive in this case) is purely in service of getting closer to ones partner. And if it is, it makes the whole thing seem even more horrifying for everyone involved: all these married women denying sex are actually expressing how unclose they are to their partners.

    I would feel unfulfilled and unhappy in a sexless relationship for that exact reason: there would be no sex expressing closeness, there would be no closeness. But at the same time female sex drive depends on other things too, so if there is no sex that doesnt mean there is no connection. Huh...

    I dont know which is right now.

    And about sex being important to people... You might find this hard to believe but forgoing sex is for a man as hard as it is for a woman to forego emotional connection.
     
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  12. Maybe I phrased that poorly. I meant to say our biological sex drive can be either channeled (?) into a specific sexual desire for a person we care about and want to feel close to, or it can be just purely a biological need for physical release (as in masturbation; which is where men and women differ). Also, I wasn't talking about "sexless" relationships and I thought neither were you. I thought you were saying that most women want less sex than men, not necessarily no sex.
     
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  13. Wouldn't it be nice to eat pizza and candy every day? I'm sure it would be but no, you can acknowledge that your health is more important to you. You can acknowledge that just because your survival instinct is telling you it would be rewarding for you to do it, doesn't mean you need to do it and just be a slave to your biological urges. You can acknowledge that focusing your mental and physical energy on things that fulfill you and make you grow as a person is more important to you than thinking about what delicious food you could eat and how good it would make you feel. Because it's just food. In the same way is sex just sex. I'm sure it would be ten times better to share your occasional pizza or candy with your partner and enjoy it as a mutual experience that way. Just as you can share your need for physical release with the person you love and ignore that drive otherwise and focus on more important things. Maybe not the best analogy. But I'm sure you get my point.

    If you are really saying you are unable to ignore your biological urges, or at least it comes at the price of your unhappiness, how do you think you will be able to manage NoFap?
     
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  14. HereAndThere

    HereAndThere Fapstronaut

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    Doesnt channeling that sex drive in a person also have sexual component? Did you mean like tantra or what? Well, examples from video mostly applied to sexless marriages. Many of which started with a lot of sex but were sexless for a prolonged period of time. Technically not sexless but practically yes sexless. Where do we put the line, how much time has it to pass to call it sexless?

    That kinda falls into that "suck it up" option. But ok. World is full of men living in this mode. Eh, im turning off my analytical mode and ill just tell you how i feel. I dont know if i can do nofap, i certainly am not at a stage where i think i can go indefinitely without. But its my choice, whether to suck it up and grow or say fuck it and binge. Its my responsibility, its my control. In marriage im trapped, somebody else decides about my life. Somebody is in control of my happiness. Somebody can take from me without giving anything back...

    Wait a second...you now say that sex is just sex? So why does it matter if i direct it to a loving partner or a napkin?
     
  15. I've always been afraid of getting married because my sex drive is very low, and I have the feeling that a woman would berate me for sex, and with rejection (of women) being unexperienced by many, and the huge number of thirsty men wouldn't comprehend that no, I don't want sex now, or today, or maybe this week. I would rather be celibate, but whenever in a relationship the pressure is real. Then I lose half of my stuff (divorce) 1/2*0=0 but still, it's the concept. Or she has an affair and there's the possibility that she produces another man's bastards and tries to cuck me.

    I understand that I would have to submit my body to my wife, but I'd rather stay celibate and single.
     
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  16. Yes, it does. It's the physical act of intercourse that is used as an extension of experiencing physical and emotional intimacy.

    I meant that our sexual desire/drive has a biological origin, but we can focus it on a person that we feel emotionally attracted to.

    I'm not sure how much subjectivity there is to "sexless". A relationship where there is sex once a week or month doesn't seem sexless to me. Although how much sex a person needs is indeed subjective. That's where compatibility and communication is important.

    As said already, if you feel like living without the sexual release that you physically "need" makes you unhappy, you know what your options are.

    It depends on who you have sex with. Sex with your hand or a prostitute is not the same as sex with your partner. Sex for the sake of physical release is just sex, yes. Sex for the sake of intimacy is a form of intimacy. Which can be easily replaced with other forms of intimacy.
     
  17. I was a sex starved husband. I never
    begged, I wanked instead. Now I'm flatlining in hard mode and nobody minds. I thought I was cursed, but now I'm feeling blessed.
     
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  18. HereAndThere

    HereAndThere Fapstronaut

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    Ive read more about sexless marriage. Its always more complicated as it seems. Here's what i found out:

    -definition of sexless varies from less than 10 times a year to less than once in two years
    -what actually creates the problem is not frequency, but mismatch in desire between partners
    -by this(loose) definition, 10-20% marriages in US are sexless
    -there is gender difference in reporting unsatisfaction with frequency, but not a big difference
    -odds are bad for sexless marriages to be saved, from a sample from Reddit
    -what actually helps is scheduling sex, like described in the video
     
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  19. This is a very important issue with many contributing factors. I can't say that it's just the woman's fault or just the man's fault, although both sides are quick to blame and slow to take responsibility. But I think it's safe to say that in our modern era men have forgotten how to be men and women have forgotten how to be women. This not only explains the rise in divorce rates but the falling of marriage rates: less people want the demands that relationships bring.
     
  20. Ra's Al Ghul

    Ra's Al Ghul Fapstronaut

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    The problem is our present culture has weaponized culture to hate men and indoctrinate males not to act like men. If you're a pansy ass you are approved and not deemed a threat. Hence the rise of soy boys aka beta culture.
     
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