Sex therapist for wife's low libido - looking for advice

L

lewiscloverfield

Fapstronaut
Hey there,

I'm writing this post to have some insight of people who've been throught this kind of therapy.
My Gf and I have been together for 5 years now and I'm 100% sure of my feelings for her. About 4 years ago, she went through a burn-out at work and her libido decreased quickly. We went from having sex every 2 days to twice a months to now once a year at most. This triggered the porn addiction I managed to kick out when I started dating her, and I'm now trying to quit.
About her libido issues, she had her hormone levels checked, she tried different contraception methods, including condom only, but it didn't help. She doesn't feel any need for sexual intimacy even though she likes it when I take care of her.
She told me that she wants to have her libido back to normal, and everything we did was because she wanted to do it, not because I wanted sex.

So, a few weeks ago, I suggested we could start a therapy. I read some books about it and it was full of tips I never thought about. That's why I believe that having those tips explained by a professional therapist, alongside exercises, could help her a lot.

But I'd like to have some insight about ppl who went through this to know if this helped you, if you have any advices, etc...

Thank you :)
 
lewiscloverfield said:
Hey there,

I'm writing this post to have some insight of people who've been throught this kind of therapy.
My Gf and I have been together for 5 years now and I'm 100% sure of my feelings for her. About 4 years ago, she went through a burn-out at work and her libido decreased quickly. We went from having sex every 2 days to twice a months to now once a year at most. This triggered the porn addiction I managed to kick out when I started dating her, and I'm now trying to quit.
About her libido issues, she had her hormone levels checked, she tried different contraception methods, including condom only, but it didn't help. She doesn't feel any need for sexual intimacy even though she likes it when I take care of her.
She told me that she wants to have her libido back to normal, and everything we did was because she wanted to do it, not because I wanted sex.

So, a few weeks ago, I suggested we could start a therapy. I read some books about it and it was full of tips I never thought about. That's why I believe that having those tips explained by a professional therapist, alongside exercises, could help her a lot.

But I'd like to have some insight about ppl who went through this to know if this helped you, if you have any advices, etc...

Thank you :)
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How old is your gf? Stress may have triggered periomenopause symptoms. This may include lower testosterone than she might normally produce. I can tell you, it's no joke. I had zero symptoms when I hit menopause. Except -no period, my libido tanked ( none at all down from wanting sex every day) and painful intercourse. If your gf is in her 30's there is a very high possibility of this. Dr.'s dont know jack about menopause and peri menopause and really dont take women seriously about changes in our health and libido.
 
Psalm27:1my light said:
How old is your gf? Stress may have triggered periomenopause symptoms. This may include lower testosterone than she might normally produce. I can tell you, it's no joke. I had zero symptoms when I hit menopause. Except -no period, my libido tanked ( none at all down from wanting sex every day) and painful intercourse. If your gf is in her 30's there is a very high possibility of this. Dr.'s dont know jack about menopause and peri menopause and really dont take women seriously about changes in our health and libido.
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She's 27 and it started when she was 24. She has been through some shitty relationships when she was younger and we believe it could have impacted her sex life and libido. That another reason why I think that a therapist could help her
 
You mention a previous episode when she was burnt out at work. Is she stressed about anything now?
I know when I'm feeling overwhelmed the last thing on my mind is sex. I'm also aware that for some people sex is a relief from stress, but I like to feel calm before I get feelings of wanting intimacy. Knowing there's loads of housework to do, or other stuff whizzing round my head prevents me from relaxing and getting into intimacy mode.
Is there anything you can offer to support her with?
I'm sure knowing you are listening to her, and have her best interests at heart will be a great help whatever the reason and answer.
 
MintGreen said:
You mention a previous episode when she was burnt out at work. Is she stressed about anything now?
I know when I'm feeling overwhelmed the last thing on my mind is sex. I'm also aware that for some people sex is a relief from stress, but I like to feel calm before I get feelings of wanting intimacy. Knowing there's loads of housework to do, or other stuff whizzing round my head prevents me from relaxing and getting into intimacy mode.
Is there anything you can offer to support her with?
I'm sure knowing you are listening to her, and have her best interests at heart will be a great help whatever the reason and answer.
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Yea she is easily stressed out and life hasn't been really easy lately. It's probably one of the main reasons and I hope that the therapy will help her to calm down and manage her stress. The sexual part is not really the main goal, I believe that we need to fix what causes her lack of libido because it hurts her, not because we don't have sex. Getting our intimacy back would be a side effect of that
 
lewiscloverfield said:
I suggested we could start a therapy
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lewiscloverfield said:
That another reason why I think that a therapist could help her
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Seeing a therapist or counselor is a good idea. Are we talking about the two of you attending couple therapy or will she go individually?

I'm confused because it seems the issue is attributed only/mainly to her (libido). If it's a couple therapist, be prepared that you're also part of the equation. Taking your partner to a therapist in order to get them 'fixed' is not going to be a smooth solution - it's potentially part of the problem and any good therapist will investigate this. Maybe I've got you wrong, then please never mind, but in all I've read you're the 'white knight'.
 
Lenard Fosterman said:
Seeing a therapist or counselor is a good idea. Are we talking about the two of you attending couple therapy or will she go individually?

I'm confused because it seems the issue is attributed only/mainly to her (libido). If it's a couple therapist, be prepared that you're also part of the equation. Taking your partner to a therapist in order to get them 'fixed' is not going to be a smooth solution - it's potentially part of the problem and any good therapist will investigate this. Maybe I've got you wrong, then please never mind, but in all I've read you're the 'white knight'.
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I should've specified we're going together. The therapist will meet us together, then her alone and then me alone before starting the therapy with the both of us.
We're blaming libido because that's what her psychiatrist told her and because she went through the exact same issues in her previous relationships. But I'm aware that "fixing" her libido is a 2 persons job, I need to change as well, I only don't know how yet. After reading Emily Nagoski's book, I understand better how all this works and what negative impact I have if I'm not doing the right things
 
I'd say if this issue started at 24 and there's so sign of hormonal problems, your odds of being able to solve this may be very slim. I've had friends in this situation and in every case the relationship came to an end.
 
Real Jerry Seinfeld said:
I'd say if this issue started at 24 and there's so sign of hormonal problems, your odds of being able to solve this may be very slim. I've had friends in this situation and in every case the relationship came to an end.
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I have to say that is kind of depressing. That your friends relationship comes to an end because the sex isnt enjoyable for one or both. The idea that a relationship is contingent on a good sex life is a ridiculous standard. Most of us will eventually lose our drive and become sexless at some point. Will all our marriages and relationships disintegrate when that happens?
 
The Road of Sanctification said:
I have to say that is kind of depressing. That your friends relationship comes to an end because the sex isnt enjoyable for one or both. The idea that a relationship is contingent on a good sex life is a ridiculous standard. Most of us will eventually lose our drive and become sexless at some point. Will all our marriages and relationships disintegrate when that happens?
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I thought the same thing. Sex is an important part of a marriage,but it's such small part, that two people who care about one another should be able to work out a plan that is acceptable to both. I cannot imagine leaving my husband because he had no libido or for whatever reason couldn't have sex.
 
The Road of Sanctification said:
I have to say that is kind of depressing. That your friends relationship comes to an end because the sex isnt enjoyable for one or both. The idea that a relationship is contingent on a good sex life is a ridiculous standard. Most of us will eventually lose our drive and become sexless at some point. Will all our marriages and relationships disintegrate when that happens?
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Psalm27:1my light said:
I thought the same thing. Sex is an important part of a marriage,but it's such small part, that two people who care about one another should be able to work out a plan that is acceptable to both. I cannot imagine leaving my husband because he had no libido or for whatever reason couldn't have sex.
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I agree with both of you. Sex is an important part of a relationship and it can cause frustration when there are libido issues. But it's not a valid reason to break up. There are so much more to enjoy and a lot of possible solutions. That's why we tried to fix her hormones, and now we're trying to go through theratpy. And if it doesn't help, we'll manage to find out another solution.

I'm quite optimistic about this therapy since she expressed her will to fix her libido multiple times, and because on some specific occasions, she get it back for a few hours. usually when she's uninhibited or after a few days of vacations whithout any kind of stress. I believe that if we both learn how to help her relieve her stress, it will come back.
 
I think never having sex is a perfectly valid reason for a healthy couple in their twenties to break up. Sex to me is not an insignificant part of a relationship and is effectively what distinguishes a relationship from a friendship. If you're young and in the first years of your relationship and aren't having sex - and there isn't some health or religious reason for this - I'd suggest there's something seriously wrong with the relationship.

You could try and sort it out through therapy but why bother when you can just find someone else with whom you have a mutual sexual connection? I don't understand why you'd choose to embark upon what may well be a sexless long-term relationship. Moreover, it's not an issue I've ever seen successfully resolve, at least in the anecdotal experiences of several friends who have been through it. I wouldn't be confident it is something you can satisfactorily resolve if there's no actual identifiable cause.
 
I don't get why you took that stance @Real Jerry Seinfeld.
To me their problem is not a relationship issue, but a psychological issue of her. The greatest part is they both are working together on it. And I think they are here to get support from this community. I trust they are going to work it out. Good to see they have a tight bond keeping them open to each other fighting this issue.
 
Real Jerry Seinfeld said:
I think never having sex is a perfectly valid reason for a healthy couple in their twenties to break up. Sex to me is not an insignificant part of a relationship and is effectively what distinguishes a relationship from a friendship. If you're young and in the first years of your relationship and aren't having sex - and there isn't some health or religious reason for this - I'd suggest there's something seriously wrong with the relationship.

You could try and sort it out through therapy but why bother when you can just find someone else with whom you have a mutual sexual connection? I don't understand why you'd choose to embark upon what may well be a sexless long-term relationship. Moreover, it's not an issue I've ever seen successfully resolve, at least in the anecdotal experiences of several friends who have been through it. I wouldn't be confident it is something you can satisfactorily resolve if there's no actual identifiable cause.
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That's called love, and I pity you if you don't know what it is. This thread was opened to have some advice and stories of people who went through this kind of therapy (successfully or not). As your point is 100% irrelevant with the subject of this thread, I suggest you stop polluting it. Have a nice day


Sanitarium said:
I don't get why you took that stance @Real Jerry Seinfeld.
To me their problem is not a relationship issue, but a psychological issue of her. The greatest part is they both are working together on it. And I think they are here to get support from this community. I trust they are going to work it out. Good to see they have a tight bond keeping them open to each other fighting this issue.
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Thank you for your kind words :)
 
lewiscloverfield said:
That's called love, and I pity you if you don't know what it is. This thread was opened to have some advice and stories of people who went through this kind of therapy (successfully or not). As your point is 100% irrelevant with the subject of this thread, I suggest you stop polluting it. Have a nice day
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You made a thread looking for advice about potentially entering therapy. I'm happy to stop giving that advice if it's unwelcome, but I'd just like to respond to the suggestion that I don't understand or experience love quite like yourself.

I appreciate you may love your girlfriend and that this motivates you to save the relationship. That is admirable. I too am in a loving relationship. My other half and I don't always feel like having sex but when the other one is in need, we do it for the other person. Making that relatively minor sacrifice is indeed part of our expression of love for each other.

If I was unwilling to ever make that sacrifice for no reason other than I didn't feel like it, I believe my other half may call into question - and quite rightly - the depth of my feeling for her. Anyone in a sexless relationship for years on end would undoubtedly ask themselves similar questions, such as whether they were really suited for each other after all.

I haven't given this advice to hurt you but you have described yourself as having a pornography addiction triggered in part by the lack of sex in your relationship. Resolving this is probably no small matter for you given what is at stake and unfortunately I think there's a significant risk that after four years therapy may not be the panacea you're anticipating.

Nevertheless, if you believe you could thrive in a chaste relationship for the rest of your life, I have nothing other than respect for you. I've just never met a man in his twenties that wanted to do that. I think for most it would be a pitiable state. However, if your passion for your girlfriend is sufficient to sustain you, then I truly am in awe at the well of love you possess.
 
While I don't blame anything on my wife I have similar situation. We're both in out early 40's but this has been going for the past 8 years or so.

A brief timeline.

Wife get's burnt out from work and business - sex dries up.
6 months later she recovers and falls pregnant - sex dries up.
3 years later sex recommendes and she falls pregnant - sex dries up.

Then, for the next 5 years its been very infrequant .

A mix of parenting young kids, hormonal changes, lack of sleep, stress etc all got in the way of maintaining a sex life.

Sebsequently resentment started. Communication wasn't great.

Ultimately I replaced real sex with porn and then usage grew more and more and I took a typical course that many have hear culminating in PIED. So the few times that we have tried to have sex its been crap.

Getting to the point - she finally got her hormones checked and found she has low testosterone and a few other whacky things going on. Truth be known I knew this all along but I also knew she didnt want to hear it.

Now she has stated hormone therapy... its week one... I wait and hope that she will regain her libido and right now I am abstaining from PMO with the hope that I will be ready.
 
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