Sex with girlfriend...is "okay"

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by Maverick47, Feb 25, 2019.

  1. HornyChang

    HornyChang Fapstronaut

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    I seriously think its because of the porn and jerking off. Just completely stop of anything and your drive to have sex will go through the roof unless you have other factors that inhibit your drive like health and diet. But if you are really questioning the relationship because of a small ass then I think you should just call if off and end it.
     
  2. Its possible, some ppl are not compatible and not everything can be blamed on porn - because that would be just a cultism. Not that this kind of cultism is not present here ...
    If your genes and other things dont match, than you will subconsciously say no and a weak boner is a result.
    If you match like a crazy, you will get better erections.
     
    ReclaimedLife likes this.
  3. and that you can prove HOW exactly? Right, you cant. Because there are many ppl dating wrong match and I was one of them
     
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  4. ReclaimedLife

    ReclaimedLife Fapstronaut

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    I agree with @Epic Fight here. You can't just say it has to be a problem with porn. Even without porn, everyone still has their ideal body-type they prefer and most people are willing to deviate from it, some more, some less. And while a short term romance can push those deviations more, a relationship will always reveal the reality it in the long run.

    Everyone should really be careful on who they want to be together with. And nobody should even go into a relationship if they aren't fully attracted to the partner, just because of the character or personality. What good is that if you aren't aroused? You must have both. Or you WILL look at other woman constantly and will want to sleep with most of them. That is just toxic for a relationship.

    But i agree. He should do a 90 day reboot, ideally with no sex. It seems like his needs are a bit over the top. But i am honest. I have a bad feeling. Some things can't be changed by a reboot. I am 60 days in without any kind of porn or even arousing pictures, and i am still most aroused by the same kind of body-type as i was before i started.

    But i know i don't need to have it. But that was already the case before i started my journey to get rid of Porn. Going into a relationship though? For long term happyness, we must find someone that is attractive AND arousing. Otherwise it is likely to end in frustration. You can't force to make it work. But then i would ask why you got into a relationship with someone who doesn't arouse you in the first place. Not attracting. Arousing. Two majorly different things.
     
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  5. I got into a relationship with a bad type of match because NOBODY aroused me because of my P usage. So how can u really tell.

    I met a girl, liked her, commited to her and rewired my brain towards a real sex with her. After 1 year we separated.

    Than I met other girls. And realized what it meens to be really atracted.

    Yes...
     
  6. ReclaimedLife

    ReclaimedLife Fapstronaut

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    @Epic Fight I think it is only fair to tell who is truly arousing for us after full reboot. Not just the 90 days, i would say at least half a year of no PMO.
    Then you can see who you are aroused by. Probably way more women then before the addiction.

    Did you do a reboot while you were with her? Some things we don't chose in attraction. Certain character qualities and looks are just intrinsically within us. Even without any porn use.
    What made difference between her and those other girls for you to be really attracted?
    It sounds like you are talking mostly about looks as well.
     
    Last edited: Mar 3, 2019
  7. well I was I guess 90days before I met her, and than I spend 1 year with her... I think I felt its not the best even at the start, but I pushed thru because I wanted to commit finally and to continue the reboot and rewiring process (be4 Ive alway run away from girls very soon)

    The difference was the chemistry, I needed just one full kiss to tell. Other things which followed made me just 100% certain its not even comparable to the chemistry we have had with my current ex.

    I agree you get aroused by more women after the reboot. Ofc :)

    Well, what I want to say... P is not always the cause. There are ppl which fit together, and there are ppl which do not. Thats the fact in my book. Some genetical combinations are better than others, and we as a species are created in a way we search the best combinations. When we find it - BOOM - attraction happens.

    BUT

    Its NOT ONLY about the looks Id say. Small ass is not a deal breaker (as stated in the OP) If its JUST this, than Id say it might be the P speaking...
    I met more girls... and some were less attractive than my ex, yet the chemistry and arousal was bigger.

    There are 100s of things which can turn you on physically wise on a woman.... if one is not working, there are 99 more to choose from.

    Damn, this is hard to judge. Because, if your thing is a nice ass, and the girl doesnt have it... than what? Settle for the next best thing on her.

    I speak mainly about the chemistry here. Not the looks. Chemistry is how the person tastes to me. Smells. If you want to kiss her again and again etc...
    Looks are important in the arousal. But looks alone will NOT make it. Chemistry alone WILL make it. Thats what I wanted to say I guess.
     
  8. Maverick47

    Maverick47 Fapstronaut

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    I agree with the my brain needing to heal and to not have sex, watch porn, or masturbate. This is true regardless of my thoughts towards my girlfriend. I understand that you are disgusted by my post. You wouldn't be hurt by this if you were a man. I'm glad to see you post on here and see what insight you may have in regards to my issue.

    I know that she feels insecure about me in regards to how attracted I am to her, if she is attractive, etc. You are right about that.

    Here is the deal....I see a woman who is more attractive in my eyes and I have an incredibly difficult time taking my eyes off of her. I want this in my relationship. I had this in the past, but there were other issues we had in that made it come to an end. However, erections were not an issue. She had my eyes and hands on her all the time due to how attractive she was. I had erections just by speaking with her on the phone, texting, holding hands, etc. I was also watching porn at this time.

    That ex girlfriend can still do that for me. I've masturbated to old pictures of her that I still have and can speak with her and still get that (I keep in contact with her, but I haven't seen her in years). This is an example of why I believe that I need a woman with an ass that keeps my physical interest.

    I know I need to stop PMO regardless of the conclusions we come up with here. The only thing that remains to be unsolved is whether I find my current girlfriend physically attractive enough.
     
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  9. ReclaimedLife

    ReclaimedLife Fapstronaut

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    You sound like one of my friends who should have split up months ago. They like each other on an emotional and mental level, but he was constantly thinking about other wamen because she gained a lot of weight. She never saw it as an issue and he got even more depressed then he was before.

    After around 2 years of knowing them, they split up recently. And it is better for both of them. She was unhappy because he was unhappy and he was unhappy because he wasn't attracted to her anymore.

    All this "you can work through everything" is only valid if you do have base attraction to you girlfriend. You have to be happy when you see her naked. Granted, it still sounds like your standards are freakishly high and a porn reboot will probably lower them, but i don't think it changes the base of what you feel happy with in a long term relationship.

    I'd say do the 90 day reboot without masturbating at all and no sex for around 30-60 days as well. Cuddle and kiss, but don't fk.

    I personally would never trade looks for character. But for a relationship, you gotta find someone who implements both traits.
    And if you still have the same issue, even after the reboot, from my outside perspective, you both should go a different way in life.
    All you would be doing is dragging something out that isn't supposed to work in the first place.

    The more I read about problems like this, the happier it makes me feel knowing i am rebooting while i am still single.
     
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  10. Maverick47

    Maverick47 Fapstronaut

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    It just sucks, because we've been dating for almost a year. I hate to continue this in respect for her if this is the case. I am very much into the physical attraction. I know we all like that, but I believe it's just built into me more than others. I absolutely have to have a woman that meets my requirements. I love the mental and emotional as well, but I suppose the way I'm built that the physical requirements must be met first.
     
  11. You’re in a tough spot. You have a girlfriend who you say is great. You also mentioned that you’d feel bad about breaking up because she’s so wonderful. You’ve got an ex who you’re still attracted to... but an ex is an ex for a reason, so even though she’s sexy you guys didn’t work as a couple. You admit to still masturbating thinking about this ex which is unfair to your current gf (I’m going to assume you’d be feeling bad if you found out this current gf masturbates to pictures of her ex) you’re creating a fantasy around this ex based on her looks only.

    So here you have one woman that does it for you physically, and one and who does it emotionally. Ideally in a relationship you’d have both. BUT when you’re 65 either women will have a saggy ass that won’t to it for you. What will you do then? Cheat with a hot 25 year old?

    I think you need to do a full reboot to clear your head and figure out what you really want. If after a few months sober from PMO you’re still not atttacted to this woman she deserves to find someone who is hot for her, and you deserve to have that as well.

    100% we have to be attracted to our partner but I can almost guarantee that your standards are this high because of the porn.
     
  12. Maverick47

    Maverick47 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the reply. I've been dating her for nearly a year now and I have done rebooting while with her. I have made some progress in the recovery, but relapse every now and then and have continued to have sex (or attempt to) with her. Sometimes successful and sometimes not. It's been very rare that I can get and continue to have a full erection with her.

    So, I haven't done a full 90 days of PMO free. I will do this. I am having her workout and diet along my side. It'll make her more attractive and of course it's beneficial to her health and if we were to break up she'd still like the results.
     

  13. Whoa!! Wait just a second.... please tell me that you aren’t forcing this woman to diet for your sake!? In an earlier post above you said she wasn’t overweight and most people would think she’s atttactive.

    She already feels terrible because she can’t get you hard. It’s probably really shattered her self esteem and now “I’m having her workout and diet” perhaps the men above me had the right idea... to let this woman go.

    Nothing wrong with diet and exercise, obviously everyone benefits from this but if this was a request on your behalf to make her more attractive to you that’s pretty low. I don’t think you’re an asshole, but rather uneducated about the female mind. If she got fat over the year that’s one thing, but If you’ve got her doing squats over and over so she can get the ass you’re after that is pretty sick.
    There is a guy out there that will feel truly excited to be with her.
     
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  14. Maverick47

    Maverick47 Fapstronaut

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    I was working out when we first met. She mentioned that she wanted to start working out with me and so I agreed. I will say it's kind of in the middle. She initiated it (we already went to the same gym). I just got her to consistently go and helped her with her diet. She's made results and is looking better. If not for my own liking I think this is something that'll benefit her mentally, emotionally, and of course physically.

    She has a great face. The body needs work and she knows this. She's not as slim as she'd like. I don't mention that she's chubby or any insults like that.

    I don't believe she's insecure die to my PIED. I told her about it long ago and she knows. She's been there for all the PIED and successful times within the almost year of a relationship. She gets insecure about other things I may do. I don't believe it's due to my erection issue.
     
  15. ReclaimedLife

    ReclaimedLife Fapstronaut

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    I made the last girl work out with me as well. And she really enjoyed working out together. Even after we couldn't see each other again she kept working out with my help. She would have never done that on her own.

    The two things that most, if not all men want their woman to do but have no clue about how to say it.

    Working out/Diet
    Kegels

    With both of these has to be said that i try to lead by example. I have a healthy diet almost every day and work out 4-5 times per week. I would never ask a women to do something i wouldn't be willing to do for her.


    My approach is like this:
    Kegels: "I love sleeping with you and really enjoy every single time we are together. But i want you to become even better in bed, i want you to become my goddess. I never want to think about another women while i am with you. I strongly believe that no matter how good we think we are, we can still improve in the bedroom and make both of our lives even more enjoyable. (I can say something like that because i am pretty decent in bed but contiuously work on myself to get better) Whether it is with me or not, there is a technique where you can bind most guys and have them crawling back to you for more. Do you want to become a female sex goddess? Let me show you how to do it. And yes. I know you aren't an idiot. I will be the first one who benefits from it once you mastered it : ) But trust me, give it a shot and see if you like it. Try it once and if you don't see any benefits at all, you don't have to continue to do it!"
    And then i will explain how kegels work and what tremendeous effects those can have for both the man and the woman.

    Whether a woman does them is depending on what kind of woman she is. Someone who is open sexually and wants to get better and enjoy sex more will probably try it. Others will start, see no immediate benefits and quit. Some will never try. Sadly.


    Working out/Diet:
    Fully depending on the women. Some will want to do it to look and feel better about themself, some just dont care.
    I can get the ones who want to look and feel better about themself to do sports and watch their diet. The other group is impossible to get them into sports and nutrition long-term.
    The ones who are willing to work out, i am just doing the workout with them. We do all of it together and make it more fun then serious.
    Examples would be: I am holding her legs, and when she comes up for a situp, she gets a kiss. Goes down again. Comes up again and another kiss. Next time i go a little futher back and it's harder for her to kiss me.
    When she does her pushups, and starts counting loud, i shout random numbers to confuse her and add in things that have nothing to do with counting, like "tree", "apple" or "teddybear!". Ideally there is a teddybear somewhere and i can put it in front of her.
    And if she does her buttocks workout, i am going to tell her how awesome her already bottocks is, (noticeably) overly pretending to be scared on how much even more awesome it will become if she keeps doing it. There are more rewards but i dont want to go into detail here.

    The point is that i make absolutely clear that i enjoy the relationship and the girl as it is. But improving our lives never made any life worse. Only better. No matter where you are in life.
     

  16. There is nothing wrong with working out and diet OP said “I’m having her work out it will make her more attractive” the way he said it implied that he is forcing her to work out.
     
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  17. Maverick47

    Maverick47 Fapstronaut

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    I'm not "forcing" her to. She isn't under my control and has every right to do as she pleases with anything as she is her own person. She wants to exercise and diet, but has little will power when it comes to that. I have already obtained the discipline for these two things. I simply share this with her and she participates. I am not a controlling person.

    I will add that if she didn't want to participate in diet and exercise the relationship wouldn't last for sure, but that's not just for her. That goes for any woman I will date. I want a woman who takes care of herself.

    I understand your concern for her as you can relate more to a woman because you are a woman. Maybe I'm not making things clearly enough for you as I say them until after you mention something about it. But the reason I don't do that is because I didn't think there was a need to. I am just assuming that people aren't going to accuse me of being abusive towards her. The only thing I could be doing wrong towards my girlfriend is wasting her time if I'm not going to be with her in the long run. I am not abusive in any way. I cook dinner for her 5/7 nights out of the week and meal prep for her entire week. I am a good boyfriend, but ultimately it comes down to if I am simply wasting her time because I may not be who she will end up with due to my caution of not knowing....is she attractive enough to me. Attractive enough to the point to where I would feel like I can be happy to have her as my wife.

    Thanks for your concern Empty shell of a girlfriend, but I'm attempting to find the error(s) in myself for the ED with her. Like I stated earlier in this thread. Is it my PIED or could it be due to her not being as attractive in my eye. I never had an issue with my ex and can still get hard just by thinking of her, because she was so incredibly attractive in my eyes.
     
  18. Butterfly1988

    Butterfly1988 Fapstronaut

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    I honestly think you should just break up with her until you figure yourself out. Too many times, I have been strung along by guys who weren’t that into me but didn’t want to be mean. But, the meaner thing is letting some girl think there’s something she can do to fix the relationship. Sure, she can do squats, but if I were her I wouldn’t want to be with someone so superficial anyway. It’s time you free her from worrying and let her know what it is and figure yourself out. Then, get what you want and see if that fixes your issues.
     
  19. Maverick47

    Maverick47 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for your insight. I just want to explain my thoughts on our relationship specifically and want to see if you still think I should end it.

    I think she is pretty, but just not enough.
    She is kind, nice, sweet, etc.
    She has a great career and makes great money. Very independent.
    I don't drive (due to a medical condition), but she doesn't care at all. She goes out of her way to give me rides for whatever it is. Whether it regards her or my own personal activities.

    So she has so many great qualities and I completely recognize them. It just isn't there when it comes to physical attraction. At least not like it was with an ex-girlfriend of mine. She wants to have as much sex as possible and I like that she has that urge, but I find myself saying no the majority of the time. That is odd...especially me being the guy. She truly is a wonderful woman and like I just finished saying I can recognize it and give you tons of examples and reasons why.....I just don't feel it for her because of the lack of attraction. Some people on here tell me to completely stay away from porn for an ample amount of time and I'll become attracted to her. I don't know whether or not that's the truth. I agree to stay away from porn regardless, but I don't know if this will change my attraction for her. I would hate to lose someone who has such great qualities due to a temporary porn addiction conflicting what really attracts me. I would also hate to keep her in a relationship that I should end due to lack of that strong physical attraction.

    With that being said I would really like to hear your thoughts on it.
     
  20. Healed!

    Healed! Fapstronaut

    If you have such doubts, why mess up her life? Let her down now so she can get on with her life.
     
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