Sex with PA partner?

Recovered, married man here.

Two things. First of all, he should know how you feel. This is the 'bad' stuff so give him time and space to think about it and respond. Very important when confronting someone that unintentionally hurts you, tell them you know he does not mean to hurt you. But you are hurt and you want to be happy together.

Secondly, if you want to get it on, may I suggest to start with a regular massage? Maybe do some online searching for techniques. Don't get sensual too soon. Great thing about regular massage is that it is like gooood talking without saying anything. It relaxes. People are so grateful to receive.

About sex and recovery, no, sex does not help recovery. Might take longer. But we are talking relationships here, and sex is a bonding thing. So that is important too.

 

In my experience, sex with my wife only helped my recovery, not hindered it.

Porn sex is an unrealistic and ultimately unsatisfying fantasy which cannot compare with true intimacy between lovers. I would concentrate on re-building the intimacy and love in your relationship. Lack of time is a terrible passion killer, as are all the distractions of modern life. Try to make time to do things as a couple like walking, going out for a meal where you can enjoy each other's company without sex being an option (unless you are comfortable making a scene in a restuarant!). Break routines when you can. Be spontaneous. Make being together fun, without the pressure or expectation of sex.

 

It’s good to hear that you are talking. In my experience, our thoughts and talks are a process and it changes over time. So keep the communication open and flowing.

About dressing sexier, it might be fun for once but it is not a permanent solution. Certainly not if you step over your own borders or if it makes you feel bad or dirty.

 

My husband is a year clean. We did 2 sex fast in the beginning. 50 days no sex/nothing sexual at all, not even seeing me undress. Second fast 52 days same thing. Even now a year clean, he will sometimes get a chaser after sex. We are still trying to pinpoint the reason he sometimes gets it and sometimes doesn’t. We never have sex if he is going out of town. Clear communication is a must. The sex fast was recommended by our csat. I was resistant in the beginning as I have a very high libido. However, my husband asked if we could since he was struggling so badly in the beginning.

 

Thank you for the topic and thank you all for the responses. It's great to hear both sides of the story.

I'm the PA in this relationship and I worry that my partner worries. It's not easy to navigate. Lately we have been having sex about once a week and I abstain from orgasm roughly every other time. It's working, but I don't know if it's working great. I still get chasers and regardless have how long it's been since the last O, there are events and experiences that can be major triggers for me.

I think the best solutions are communication and maybe seeing a CSAT are great suggestions, but also doing what you are doing here - discussing it with others, people who come from both sides of the equation.