Sexiness vs Beauty, where do you draw the line?

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Iguana, Jan 12, 2018.

  1. Iguana

    Iguana Fapstronaut

    I have been talking with @kropo82 lately and reading many threads about ogling and "women on the street" and, taking in consideration my past of objectifying women because of my twisted view of them caused by porn, I wondered what I should be looking for in a woman.

    What should big breasts mean in a potential partner? a plus? something to look for? or something that should not matter? should it be avoided given my objectifying habits?

    Given a hypothetical scenario in which I'm in a serious relationship with someone with said features, how should I react to it? how different would it be to her having beautiful eyes? I know it would be part of our intimacy but given my current situation I feel I would obsess to the point of fetishism.

    Excuse me if I say "stupid" things, I never put thought beyond accepting the fact that women were objects (not accepting it in a literal way but I realized that that's what I used to feel and I don't want that anymore) and I never talked about this with someone else, that's why I'm interested in your opinion.

    How do you feel about this? where do YOU draw the line?
  2. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Commenting simply to follow the thread.
    I'm interested to know what people say.
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  3. ac1909

    ac1909 Fapstronaut

    I believe that out long unhealthy “relationship” with porn has caused us to focus on the superficial things and give massive inportance to it. Why? because it gives our brain what we want. Never did we ever talk to that girl on the screen about her, getting to know her, what her personality is like. No, all we did was watch watch watch. SO, i belueve anyone who hasnt abstained from porn for a long time will want those things in a girl and look for those things.

    Personally, i dont think ive ever objectified women, or girs. Ive always liked establishing a good friendship and seeing their qualities. However, with my past gf that wasnt always the case. She basically had evrtything i watched in porn and gave me everything. Eventually, i drifted away into believeing i was in love when in reality, i was madly in love with what she had amd gave me. It became the ugliest relationship i ever believed possible. This was over a year ago and to this day, i still ask myself if ill ever have those things again. Ifeel like thats so messed up that i feel sad over that.

    So right now, i believe itd be impossible to have a relationship with a girl if theres no emotional connection between us, trust, strong friendship, and love. That will never change. But right now im on my longest streak EVER, 20 days, and i still look for someone with a nice body. I still check girls out a lot. i dont fantasize like crazy, except unfortunately in my dreams, but i still do look at girls in that way. But i feel like lets say a year from now, that wouldnt be the case. I may not even lookfor that anymore.

    I personally would never date a girl solely for their body. I cant. I need to know who she is because emotions are involved and ive been hurt before and rhat isnt happening again.

    Anyways i kind of drifted from your question. Heres my opinion and what i would do in that position.
    So lets say i met this girl and yeah FANTASTIC body and everything i would want physically. Intimacy would be the LAST thign i think about, mainly because i believe in sex after marriage, but also because ive had bad experience not paying attention to the other things first. I would get to know this girl first, very well. Find out her personality, habits, manners, find things that im comptible or incompatible with. Establish a good friendship with her as well, but limiting how much attention with the superficial. Its almost like abstaining from porn because it would be hard not to look but not that hard. I believe if you have everything figured out with who that girl is, then you could move forward. But limit yourself from how much yo look at her body, because then youre gonna want to ignore all the red flags about the gurl herself and then youre gonna have a crash and burn relationship later on just like i did.

    For someone who has been away from porn for a long time, i feel like this would be little to no problem as theyve already trained their brain to rewire and be normal again.

    I think when you are in the process of rewiriing youll start to notice other things about girls, like their hair, their eyes, smile, body language, scent. So i think if you do have friends who are girls during the reboot itll be healthy beciase itll help your brain drift away from objectifying and more to humanizing a gorl. Because thats what they are, humans. Theu have feelings, thughts, ideas, just like we do.

    Im sorry this post is so long haha i liked expressing all this hough
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  4. Iguana

    Iguana Fapstronaut

    Wow thanks for sharing. Your story about your ex reminded me of a terrible thing that happens to me. I have a feeling that I can't see the person behind the body, worse part it's that it's not my SO but a member of my family. These thoughts have really affected me as of late and I decided to stop talking and seeing this person despite the fact that I really appreciate her. It is maddening how shameful it makes me feel
  5. James0224

    James0224 Fapstronaut

    I used to only be attracted to the girls who looked the sexiest, had the most attractive face or the best figure. However, I realised that having a relationship just because a girl is extremely sexy does not mean it is going to be a good relationship. It is very possible that this type of girl is amazing to look at, but as soon as she start showing her personality it can be a massive turn-off - you are interested in different things, you have different opinions and ways of living your life, she is attracted to things you think are disgusting and wrong etc.

    At the end of the day, personality matters the most. Imagine if you married a girl who was drop-dead sexy but was really offensive and ignorant. Would you want your kids to be raised by her? I definitely wouldn't. I would want my kids to be raised by someone with a great, kind, thoughtful personality.

    However, in my personal, ideal view, I would like to meet a girl who is both sexy and has a personality that is great.
  6. Iguana

    Iguana Fapstronaut

    I agree with your input but I fear that this is not what I meant, I did not mean to compare looks to personality but sexual feelings and the appreciation of a females's beauty (as in, crudely, chest vs face) I want to understand how I should feel towards a girl with a hot body, I feel that a lot of that attraction has to do with porn induced fetishes and I would like to know what is a healthy feeling of attraction and what is not
  7. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

    The more attracted to a persons personality who that are as a whole person, the more physically attractive they become. that’s where beauty really comes from, true beauty isn’t in only in the physical form.
  8. Iguana

    Iguana Fapstronaut

    On a fundamental level I must agree, yes you're 100% right. But you're making me feel bad for finding random women attractive, after all, should I not? I'm in the position that it is not wrong, but I want to see things for what they're not what my P-tainted brain thinks is attractive, I'm sure the most attractive girl is completely different to what my brain tells me to seek constantly. This is why I decided to abstain from looking anything but faces, yet I still have doubts and mixed feelings. All I know is that sexualizing random strangers is wrong but as the title says, what is beauty and what is sexiness?
    Jennica likes this.
  9. LilD

    LilD Fapstronaut

    I noticed that none of the girls I liked had a body type which I prefer seeing in porn. So, at least I didn't like them only for their looks. Yet, I think they are all beautiful, for various reasons.

    In my current crush, I like her hands and fingers, her voice and the way she talks, her hair, her profile, her eyes and lips, her style. Yet, I doubt I would watch a porn video with some actress with her body type. But that's because I'm a perv.
    kropo82, Iguana and ac1909 like this.
  10. ac1909

    ac1909 Fapstronaut

    Fantastic example!

    And i appreciate your honesty
  11. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

    It wasn’t meant to make feel bad, so sorry for that just giving a bit of my opinion. I read “sexy” as objectification esp on a superficial level, looking on the physical. But to elaborate further a beautiful intelligent mind can be viewed as sexy too so there is that. There are some people that can get more turned on by intelligence over physical attributes.
    IMO being beautiful is on deeper level than just sexy. When I find someone truly beautiful you don’t really notice or care about what could be seen as “physical flaws”.
  12. Zippal

    Zippal Fapstronaut

    Have a lot of thoughts for this topic, I will speak from my experience now.

    Once I had a short relation with my " dream " body type girl, realy sexy and great looking BUT we started to dating and our characters do no fit and also that was my worst sex experiece ever, no need to go to detail just let say she was good for looking at her but when it came to sex or relation generaly it sux sooo much.

    Then we break up, i felt my dream just colapsed, i had been in depresion for many months ( even we date like for month ).

    Than i start to seek a girl, good looking, beautiful character and soul, so open to me, i felt sooo great with her, also in

    it was good, we started to date and it was almost 3 years relation. Sadly after some time with P she become not enough for my twisted brain and i screw up all, you can reead more in my jurnal no need to bother here...

    What i want to say to you that sexy body doest not equal good realion but P still pushes you to think so.

    I found my self often look at girls breast/face first, but also feel progres since nofap that i look at hairs nails eyes and thing about her personality but imho still firts you will look for body type you prefere some how it is nature to seek best female now it depend how much you brain is twisted.

    Also consider your self firts, do you have a 6 pack, big musles, hair done every day? Are you smart with sence for humor with interesting hobies? I often think like this when find my self objectifing.

    So for me now: yes i look for body type that i prefe but it is no more just piece of meat for me, it is living being as you and me. With cons and pros as every one else.

    Also sorry for long post, i dont like them but have a lot thoughts...
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2018
    watertrine likes this.
  13. Jackb97

    Jackb97 Fapstronaut

    I think you're all overthinking this stuff. There Is nothing wrong with liking a women solely based on her ThiCC ass Or tits. Me I'm all about the face.
    The beauty within comes later.
  14. It's nice to have the whole package but interestingly different cultures have different markers for superficial beauty, for example, some countries see curvy and plump women as objects of fertility, others like in Myanmar, value long necked women and in Kenya and other parts of tribal Africa, stretched earlobes and a shaved head are the pinnacles of beauty. I don't think there is anything wrong with appreciating a womans looks but i think you sell yourself short by overlooking their personality and inner qualities because surely part of being with someone is enjoying their company and doing things together. Partners should complement each other working as a team to get through this roler coaster called life.
    Hopefulgirl likes this.
  15. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    This seems like such a simple question but from chatting to you and reading your posts I think there are several different questions here. I may be misunderstanding though, sorry if I misrepresent what you are interested in.

    Question 1: How do I approach someone who looks like my ideal porn fix?

    Get to know her. I currently do lots of yoga. It's mainly women in the classes and when a new woman turns up it is sometimes difficult not to objectify her. I have to consciously focus in on my own practice. But after a few sessions, when I get to know her a bit, I stop being preoccupied with her body and start instead focussing on other aspects of her, for example which yoga poses she excels at and which she struggles with. I think the same would happen to you. At first it may be tricky as you feel overwhelmed by lustful thoughts but as you get to know her empathy and sociability will take over and lust will live alongside feelings of friendship. Sometimes sex feels like the most important all-consuming thing in the world, but other times we just get on with life and do not give sex a second thought.

    Question 2: Will my long term partner have the characteristics I looked for in porn or not?

    Who knows. It could go either way. Don't close yourself off to either eventuality. Perhaps you will fall in love with a girl who confounds your erotic tastes, or perhaps she will embody them. Just be open.

    Question 3: If I end up in a relationship with a woman like the women I looked at in porn will I be able to see beyond porn-fuelled erotic thoughts?

    When you are with someone, and your feelings develop, empathy will become an important part of intimacy. Sure, it is still important that you find her sexy, but her sexiness gets intertwined with so many of the other strands of your love or feelings for each other.
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2018
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  16. Iguana

    Iguana Fapstronaut

    I agree "humanizing" is the answer, when I was on PMO I could not even humanize a member of my family (as I told in the thread), which lead me to feel very guilty and shameful. I think I can supress my feelings but that's not healthy and not what I want, I want to have a healthy feeling towards women no matter their shape. For both women in general and for myself since this view is detrimental to me
  17. TheLoneWoolf

    TheLoneWoolf Fapstronaut

    I had crush on this girl like 2 yrs back. Thanks to her, porn couldn't make me think that a person is sexy only by body aspects. I think there are a lot of things that makes a person attractive. She had a beautiful smile, she was intelligent, very smart, she topped the exams but she was exceptional in sports, used to sing,was a good dancer. She was elegant. She used to talk a hell lotta things, and I'm the kind who love to listen. Moreover her priorities in life resonated with mine. What else could make a person sexier?
    She's long gone.

    But, lately, I couldn't appreciate such qualities in women due to excess PMO. I miss the old me. So I'm in war with myself and I'm gonna kick PMO out forever
    Blob95, Zippal, Jennica and 1 other person like this.
  18. Iguana

    Iguana Fapstronaut

    Thanks, the input of fellow PA is what I need, I want to feel that it's the P in my mind speaking and not me.
    TheLoneWoolf likes this.
  19. ac1909

    ac1909 Fapstronaut

    It really is the p talking because if you notic on a lot of people success stories, lots of them say “i started to notice their hair more, eyes, smell, the way they look at me or they check me oit now” along with a million other things that happen to you when you reboot. Instead of immediately saying “damn she fine!” you start boticing wow i love her hair, wow shes good at that, wow shes smart, wow she has amazing ideas. Personally, when a girl smells great, its a massive turnon. Or i notice some body language is a turn on, or even the way they look at you, or their lips. And i still consider myself a recovering addict. Yet i do find these things attractove right now. I also find it attractive when a girl has her life straight and is either working a legitimate profession or is studying to become something thatll allow her to get a great job. I melt for those things. Like i remember a girl rn that had a fantastic body, shes a dancer. But shes so dumb! like i cant even reqlly have a serious concersation withher because shes jut dumb lol. So that was a turn off. Shes physically beautiful but everything else is bad.

    Like i mentioned before, i believe, my brain still feels like i should deserve a girl that has everything i watched in porn PLUS all the inside things that i want and need. And my main worry is that “what if i find a girl that is completely wifey material, or i already have found one, but my brain tells me no because it starts to imagine the sex side of eveything?” I dont want to waste an opportunity with a girl whos truly beautiful instead of superficially beautiful and than im lonely forever trying to seek th ”perfect girl”. Im really counting that this reboot competely resets my brain to not even begin to think of the body i loved in porn and give complete importanceto evrrything else
    TheLoneWoolf and Jennica like this.
  20. ac1909

    ac1909 Fapstronaut

    When i say “turn on” i mean its very attractive to me, but sometimes even DOES turn me on literally

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