Sexless Relationship anyone?

I reckon thats correct - a bit of both. PMO certainly does not help. I am also in a similar situation at 59 with a sex life that has declined gradually over the years and I have been doing internet Porn since the early days which, looking back, did not help. One light on the horizon is that my wife and I are talking about it again and I have told her about this site. I think being in hard mode will take some of the pressure off as I hope we re-negotiate intimacy

 

Yeah, lucky me!
I think my husband really was trying to escape anything real. Sex and intimacy with me was too close for him, so he shut that down. He turned me down and turned to the screen.
He spent two years sleeping on the couch. I very often demanded he come to bed, but he continued to sleep in the lounge room and provided poor excuses for his behavior. I eventually gave up, I became indifferent, which is very dangerous in a marriage. I think he liked that he was alone to look at whatever he wanted in privacy, and he didn't have to risk the possibility of any closeness with me. All very sad really.
So far in his recovery we have been intimate more times in the past 2 months than we have in the past 2 years. Still far from what I want, but better than before. The initimacy is much better now. It the little things, like a pat on the bum, holding my hand, a cheeky kiss. We cuddle every day. That has been the thing I have missed the most.

 

I can relate. The idea of intimacy with another person causes huge anxiety for the husband. He's working through those issues in therapy but it is very hard on me. Especially as I really don't have a problem in the sex department. It's a difficult problem because it's so hard to fix. I just try to make sure we have evenings where we set time aside for snuggles. Then see what happens. I think you both have to want to fix things for it to improve. But sometimes one partner just isn't interested. I honestly don't know what the answer to that is.

 

I wouldn't say my marriage is sexless, however we certainly have different sex drives. After having children we would go through extended patches of no sex (probably never more than 3-4 months) and during these periods my PMO habit got worse. It has been a battle since even if we have semi regular sex (every 2 weeks or so). This habit and the poor decisions that come with it have caused a breakdown in my marriage. The shame attached with PMO led me to lie my way out of scenarios where I had been 'sprung' which only made the situation worse. My advice is to be honest and upfront at all times.

 

When I questioned my libido, my gynaecologist said it was not physical but emotional. I had to see why I never seemed to be in the mood or initiating. Then I realised it was coz my partner had begun objectifying me. I was his doll. And when did this start? The first time I physically wasn't able to "put out" due to having cancer removed. I busted him with porn at this time and like other partners on here I thought he was trying to relieve pressure on both of us. Then it became addictive and replaced us.

We know when our partners touch us with a loving hand or are merely trying to just get us to help them get off. People crave love, affection and intimacy. And sex. But u need to be providing those first two first before you receive intimacy and sex. Otherwise they'd just be with anyone, right?

Here's my advice:

Listen to your partner when they speak. They'll open up more. Maybe this could allow you both to express ideals and emotions that have been bottled up for a while..

Hold your partner when they cry, even if you think it's over reacting. And don't let go until they do. (It takes a 20 second hug to release the care chemical oxytocin). Actually make an effort to hug him/her everyday through a range of emotions.

Take notice what you love about them as an individual and then high light it. Let them know they're amazing because... Everyone's happier and more loving if they're self esteem is in check.

Those with partners with ailments, see how you could make their life easier to cope. If the shoe was on the other foot... Massage them, comb their hair, run a bath, rearrange things to be in reach etc. Just even ask them if there is something you could do occasionally will show them you care, not just want to O.

Then maybe, just maybe, they will give you love. And love ensures all needs are met, one way or another.

 

I am so glad to find this thread, as I thought I was the only one who had this problem. It's been nearly two and a half years since my wife and I had sex together, or with anyone else for that matter. 2 1/2 years! Never before in my life would I have imagined this to be the case. Here's the rub. I want to have sex with her, and she wants to have sex as well. She keeps complaining that she's tired of living in a "sexless marriage." And it's all my fault due to my PMO addiction and the lack of trust I have instilled in her. And I tell her that I would at least like to experience some affection and love from her before we even begin to talk about sex. So, there you have it. We're stuck in a rut. After months of not acting out, I slip. She finds out, gets very angry, and we're further apart than ever before.

 

If you really feel that way about your relationship then you probably should leave. So many people stay in really distructive relationships and I think that's really sad. Life is way too short to be with someone that makes you miserable. Yes me and my husband have our problems but at the centre of it all we have a really amazing relationship. He makes me happy and we enjoy doing things together. Nothing is worth putting up with someone who makes your life hell. That's not love. Hope you can work things out for yourself.

 

This thread kind of touched a nerve with me, as it's come up between hubby and I several times over our 3 and a 1/2 year marriage. He occasionally gets very peeved that I no longer initiate. Why don't I? Bottom line, I'm still very hurt and shell-shocked by his PA, PMO. Back when he was heavy into PMO he was pretty damn hostile toward me about sex. Tell me 'no' enough times and I'll get the hint! I'm not over that yet. I'm not sure how I will ever "get over" it. I used to have a very high sex drive, almost to the point of excessive. At this point, after almost three years since I found out his activities, I'm working through forgiveness - not for him but for me. I understand a lot of things - like he's recovering alcoholic and I believe he transferred his alc addiction to PMO; he's a bit of a narcissist, it's all about him; he never shows emotion other than superficial, he doesn't know how to be emotionally intimate. Point of all this rambling is - I love him dearly and I'm not going to trade him in on a newer model - but at the same time, his actions had a profound effect on me. I feel like his bad habit broke my drive toward him. I'm still feeling like most of the time he's using me as a blow-up doll - I see his eyes glaze over, I can't help thinking he's watching one of his many movies in his head. And he wants me to fawn over him and get all gushy - that's very difficult for me at this point! Because, just like him - I want to feel like I'm his one and only. Now that I know there is absolutely no guarantee I can ever truly be his one and only in his mind because of all of those many years of porn images tattooed into his memory.... how can I be so naïve as to think he can put all of that behind him? Even though he's said he has. [He's also lied to my face] So there's one wife's input on a possibility of why initiation is one-sided!

 

Maybe this video could help some. At the very least, it brings more awareness to the issue and an enlightening viewpoint from a marriage counseling specialist.

 

I think it has already been said (or maybe on the other sexless marriage thread), but try reading The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 by Athol Kay.

I just downloaded it from PB and read a bit.

It contains some very VERY interesting concepts and even when you try out a few little ideas, you can notice a change in your wife (not necessarily instant love making, but a change in attitude or slightly positive surprise to your unusual mindset/behavior).

There are parts that can be triggering, but I found it not too bad.

Basically, it explains in full details some reasons why married sex lives fall apart. It goes into psychology and physiology, as well as the primal nature of sexual attraction (mixed with modern day relationship needs).

It gives exact details on what to do and what not to do; it is a practical manual. Many people (male and female) testify to its accuracy and benefit.

I am enjoying it anyway, and yes, I got some love-making last night. It was hot. The missus has "perked up" a bit and noticed a very slight change in me, it seems.

 

yep, never really had a mutual interest in sex from my wife, and now am compulsively asking for BJ's every week to kill the horniness. I to have to accept things for the way the are, but it's fucking hard when you can't go and fap to release pressure.
I have never MO'd in anger, but I sense that you are super frustrated and tired of your situation. It is understandable her not wanted sex if her back is fucked up and emotional issues but you should come to an understanding that this is why the sex is shit house. Get her to an Alexander Techinque teacher for her back, it has helped my chronic back pain immensely.
Stay strong
CK

 

If someone knows how to start up a group, then that would be a good start...I tried but couldn't figure it out. I think it would be very useful to have something where people living in sexless relationships whilst doing NoFap could chat about stuff.
CK

 

I have been with my girlfriend for 3 years now, for the last 6 months we have had sex maybe two or 3 times max. This is very different to how we first started our relationship. I totally understand where you are coming from with feeling frustrated about it.

 

And something which may help: get to know her body better. By that I mean her cycle.

My dad used to tell me, "Men will never understand women". But the truth is, they are far easier to understand if you know what goes on throughout the month. They are not the same as men.

There is no point in trying to initiate sex when she is PMSing. Instead, you should be giving her a back-rub and cooking dinner.

There is no point inviting her out for a dinner and dancing, when she is menstruating. That's time for a pizza and a movie.

If you try to do these things at the wrong time, it will only cause problems.

Every month, she will have a fertile window, when she is most likely to want romance, intimacy and sex. That doesn't mean she is going to initiate sex with you (it isn't natural for females to do that), but her instincts will be trying to attract a mate (she will wear her nice dress, spend more time getting ready in the morning to look good, she will feel good, and be in a good mood etc. etc.).

Some people will tell me it's creepy to track your wife's cycle like this, but she will appreciate it. Some people, who are trying to get pregnant, will track their ovulation cycle so they know when they should have sex and, of course, in this day and age there are apps (like Clue) to help them do this.

Oh and something else to think about. On the conscious level of a woman's mind, she wants a nice guy who takes care of her and does chores and is full of "Beta" qualities. And, yes, it is important that a man has these qualities. But her carnal instincts are looking for the mate who is the strongest, most confident leader. The Alpha male. This is the one she will feel most sexually attracted to. Most guys are probably to Beta and that increases with time in marriage. We think if we try to do everything to please her, we will get sex. This is a big reason why women switch-off from their husbands. Really, we are displaying too much weakness and letting our wife's be the strong leaders. She may think she wants to be in charge, but she will be as equally perplexed as you when she doesn't feel anything sexual for you anymore. There needs to be a balance between nice caring guy and confident leader. The Beta and Alpha characteristics.

Yes, our caveman and cavewomen instincts still control our sex drives.

Anyway, that's all from me today. Happy New Year, everyone.

 

Well it's been 10 months here since my gf and I last had sex and honestly, I am seriously thinking of ending things. It's not just the sex thing but for me the sex thing is very symbolic of other problems. Her body issues make it impossible to get close to her physically in any way. She is irritable constantly and I am now wondering if she is bipolar. The whole relationship now is about her wants and needs. I feel like there is nothing in it for me... Not even sex.
On a positive note, I am sailing on my nofap goals. I started at 7 days and just kept adding to it. I am now at 84 days, looking to hit my new goal of 90.... By far the longest I've ever gone sinse I started when I was 12 lol. I feel like the addictive part has gone. Of course I want the pleasure, but I'm not obsessing about it or making it any kind of priority. I am getting erections now with far less effort. I know I'm not at 100% yet, but I feel pretty good about things. I'd kinda like to have sex just to see how things are working now lol.

 

I know there are some ladies following this feed and I'm hoping they can shed some light on this for me (men feel free to comment too of course) and I apologize if it's a bit crude. If the shoe was on the other foot and my gf wanted it more than me or if due to medical or emotional reasons, my drive wasn't there, I would still be happy to help her get off. In fact, for the first part of our relationship I was suffering from low T causing low sex drive. At that time, she actually had a very powerful drive. I enjoyed giving her oral sex and making her orgasm. It made me happy to give her that pleasure. Now, the shoe is on the other foot and it seems like it doesn't matter to her. In all open honesty, is it unreasonable to want her to say "I know it's been a very long time. I'm still not quite there, but I want to see you have the pleasure that comes with this so get comfortable while I give you a bj (or even a hj)"? I genuinely don't understand how she seemingly doesn't care how sexually frustrated I am becoming

 

Hi Blake,

I'm one of the partners that you speak of that goes without sex. It has been better lately but there have been some long dry months. I try to be empathetic to my husbands situation, if he doesn't feel like it, well I just have to accept that. Most of the time if he doesn't feel like it, he doesn't feel like doing anything else either. It is difficult to be the one who is turned down. I understand that very well.

Your situation is further complicated. I see your partner knows about your addiction. Perhaps this may be part of reason that she doesn't want sex for the moment. She is hurt and doesn't feel like being very loving for the moment. People react in different ways to this, and it sounds like she is one who does not feel like sex when she has so much going on. Be thankful that she is sticking around and trying to support you. Not everyone is that lucky. Very happy to see you are supporting her as well. Keep being loving and supportive, try to make it up to her. Hopefully your sex drives will get back into synch.

Good luck.

 

Hey Blake just wondering if you have discussed this with your girlfriend? What you are suggesting does not seem unreasonable to me (especially given how you acted in the past) but maybe if you heard her point of view it would be a little easier for you to deal with.

 

My girlfriend is not aware of my situation. She knows I am a fan of porn (we used to watch together) and she knows I masturbated a lot, but I don't think she realizes that it had become a problem.
I have asked her at times (not for a long time mind you) if we could do other things if she wasn't into actual intercourse and she just accuses me of trying to make her feel guilty. I feel like I can't win here to be honest. I just want a physical connection with my girlfriend and I want her to care about me having that release and pleasure. Am I totally out of line?