Sexless Relationship anyone?

This does not seem out of line to me but I have not been in your same situation. Like yourself I know that just giving pleasure (oral, manual sex) to my wife gives me pleasure because I enjoy making her feel good. So your feeling of why can't she do the same for me (that I have done for her in the past) resonates with me. It's seems like you've already had this conversation but to me saying something like, "I love being with you in all ways, but I am really missing our physical connection. Are there any intimate ways we can be together that you are comfortable with"? might help to at least open the lines of communication. I'm hoping other people will weigh in and offer you some helpful advice.

 

Thank you so much, @Kangaroo, for posting this TEDx talk! Every part of it resonates strongly with my unfortunate marital situation. I invite the readers to check out my personal insights, as summarized inside my latest post (in my personal thread).

 

@ no excuses: that is actually quite brilliant and may be the advice I needed. Just trying to find the right words can be so hard at times, but I think you're on the right track

 

Hello, @TheWife. I read with great interest your posts in this thread. As I detail in my latest post:

1. I am -- on the surface -- one of those who have caused their partner to go without sex.
   
   
2. But also my situation is further complicated. And, as explained in the excellent TEDx talk on "The sex-starved marriage," such situations lead to self-perpetuating vicious-cycles. Thus, regardless of who "started" the chicken-and-egg situation, both partners end up going without sex!
   
   And while I feel that my avoidance of sexual intimacy with my wife is largely passive and involuntary (rooted in her frequent episodes of rage against me -- together with her frequent "I-made-a-mistake-in-marrying-you" mantra from the very start of our ~26-year marriage, which unavoidably gave me the feeling that she was "doing me a favor" by permitting me to have sex with her), her ~4-year intimacy-embargo in "revenge" for my ruined sexual performance is without any doubt actively premeditated.
   
   I am pretty sure that I desire sex more-or-less as much as she does. And so, in the final analysis, I feel that I am no less "the partner that goes without sex" than she is! On the contrary: I am constantly begging her to believe me that I do want to have sex with her, but that we need to mutually work on the issues that are making it difficult for me to "perform." Yet she is now constantly flaunting how much she "does not care" about my suffering -- because of her suffering, that she feels I caused deliberately.

I feel that i understand your pain, as I similarly feel that I understand my wife's pain. But I envy your husband, for having such an empathetic and emotionally-mature wife. I wish my wife would demonstrate even just a tiny bit of your understanding and apparent patience.

Wishing you and your husband best of luck in repairing your marriage.

 

Yes, this hits home very hard! I often feel that my terrible marital situation could have been so much better (or at least so very different), if I had managed to develop some "alpha-male" qualities and to gain enough confidence to enable me to not always be such a nice and gentle person, and to be able set clear boundaries and limitations on my wife's aggressive and abusive behavior.

On one hand, I attribute much of my (at best) "beta" nature to my religious upbringing, which was a large factor in the fact that I never really had a girlfriend, and that I remained a virgin until my marriage at age ~23.

On the other hand, I am still nevertheless proud that this is who I am, and that I was never sexually promiscuous!

Alas, if only there was a way of reaching marriage "hardened" with experience and alpha-qualities, while still preserving one's purity and innocence!

 

Wow, there's a lot going on that thread. I haven't read every stories yet, but it helps me relate my story to others.
Sorry this will be a long post.

I see I'm in a farily "young" relationship compared to others on this thread, and that I don't have much to complain about. I've been living with my girlfriend officially for a month today and we'll be celebrating our first year together next month. I'm 26, she's 25. The sex has always been good and we had a "perfect frequency" in my opinion for the first few months (avg. 9-10 times/week!!!). Which is probably explained by the novelty of the relationship and the "honeymoon phase". I thought it would stay the same or pretty close to it. But I understand that most likely, this dream never lasts for anyone, and that relationships are hard work at times.

I love her and I feel that our communication is pretty good. We're always trying to spend more time with each other. I am really invested in this relationship and I want it to last, so that's why I'm here, trying to leave porn and my 10yrs old PMO habit behind. Had a rough start but I'm getting better and better.

The sex frequency has dropped to once a week, or once every 10 days or so I'd say and it is somewhat difficult to me because of the sex drive that I have. She has a IUD installed, which is awesome for spontaneity and all. But it does give her cramps at times and consequently, hinders her sex drive when it feels uncomfortable. Her periods are irregular also. At some point, we were good for like 2,5 months without any problem and the sex frequency got back to awesome levels. Other times we have sex 2-3 times in a month only. Still, she often re-assures me that even though she isn't "physically in the mood", she still has desire for me and wishes she didn't had any of those cramps.

My thoughts on this situation:

- "Sexless" phases should not be an excuse to go back to PMO. At least, it's a goal to me. Communication should always be the means to fix an undesirable situation. I hope that by quitting PMO, my sex drive will lower as well and that other things will keep my joyfulness and willingness alive (sports, artistic and professional projects, etc.)

- I have to understand and accept that the sex drive in an early relationship mostly doesn't last more than a few months. It may probably also diminish in the upcoming years for other reasons (pregnancy, motherhood, etc.). The important thing is to keep at least a minimum of desire between the partners.

 

Sex drive in relationships will go up and down throughout the life of the relationship, but the concern comes when the partner with the lower drive loses interest in pleasing the other partner and seems to lack concern for the loss in drive and the impact a long dry spell has on the relationship and partner. Thoughts on this?

 

@Blake_1980
The partner with the lower sex drive and lack for concern may not even realise that it is an issue due to their small appetite for sex .... If the partner with the higher sex drive is to communicate their desires to their partner they may be able to place sex in the agenda more frequently for example showers in the am or pm together .... There has to be a will from the lower sex drive partner to give some form of pleasure to their SO .... They should be honest about how they feel and compassionate to their SO needs.... Going forward relationships take a lot of work and time to get it right on track however together as partners that care for one another it's worth the time and effort and hopefully ends in good results

 

I agree with this, at least generally. But I'm in a largely sexless relationship and feel like I need some way to relieve the pressure every once in awhile. The marriage is actually quite strong. We love each other, and we are still attracted to one another. But we have virtually no opportunities to be alone together for a variety of family-related reasons. And there is some lasting damage from my prolonged battle with ED (whether PIED or, more correctly in my case, MIED).

So, if we've gone a month without sex and I've abstained from MO during that time, and it is now her time of the month (so there won't be any sex for at least a few days), would it really be so wrong for me to MO just one time? Among other things, this would reduce the likelihood of PE whenever we eventually do get around to sex again.

Not sure what the right answer is. It's been over 8 weeks since we had sex, and I've abstained from MO for 3+ of those weeks, so I'm obviously not ready to put this plan into action just yet. But it is something that has been on my mind. Thoughts?

 

When you hear the answer tag me please. I'm going hard mode for the next 84 days and not to try anything with my wife. However, I already suffer from PE. She keeps telling me to make her the priority and it's all in my head. I am so tired of hearing that, that I'm almost turned off to sex. For our physical relationship, I need to fix the PE.

 

I don't like to promote products here, but look into Tong Balm. I've had good success with it for PE. But if you do use it, use it sparingly.

 

I was in your boat with my last wife. I wanted much more than her but she just turned me down every time I approached her.

The times she were in exactly the correct day of her cycle and Jupiter and March were in the right position she would approach me. If I then, for some reason, was not up for it she became VERY mad and insulted. She gave me a very hard time about it. WTF?

If she wanted I pleased her, if I wanted she went to sleep. I do not understand how difficult it could be to just help the eroused partner with something. Is it really that hard and unthinkable? I consider that just as giving someone a massage due to back pain.

I am sorry if I sound upset but this thing broke my marriage. I got sick of it and started to threat her the same way she treated me... Then she left me. Women are wonderful....

 

Hi Fred, I can understand how you'd become jaded. I am told there are women out there that care about the happiness of their men. I've not seen this first hand, but I remain hopeful. I find it is even more frustrating going through nofap when she is my only source of release and won't provide it. I know it is probably better that way, but to me it signifies something is broken. I haven't had sex in 10 months and she has shown no interest in that time. I think her lack of concern for this is what has me most upset

 

@Blake_1980, I'm going to go back to what @noexcuses asked you a few weeks ago: Have you discussed this with your girlfriend? What are her reasons for not having sex with you for 10 months? I mean, it's hard enough to go through this knowing the reasons -- I know this from firsthand experience -- but it would be truly maddening to do so without knowing why. And there's really only one way to find out -- ask her.

Until the two of you sit down and talk this through, I can't imagine why you would expect anything to change or improve. I mean, best case scenario she meets you in the middle and your sex life improves. Worst case scenario she either can't or won't meet you in the middle, and then you can choose whether you can live with that or not. If you can, then you will. If you can't, then you will have to move on and try to find someone who can give you what you need out of a relationship.

But no matter what, you and your girlfriend will certainly end up knowing more about one another and understanding one another better than you seem to now, and that can't be a bad thing.

 

We have discussed it and her answer is often different but normally comes back to her not feeling good about herself. Any suggestions I make are shrugged off. I do not understand the issue when I'm clearly attracted to her. But I guess that's a fundamental difference between men and women

 

Has she considered therapy? Have you considered it as a couple? Because it sounds to me like you need to do something to break the log jam. She doesn't feel good about herself. She needs to get to the bottom of that so she can change it around. And if you're part of the reason she feels that way, then you need to get to the bottom of it, too.

I also noted your use of the word "attracted". It's a very male word, and I fell into the same trap. When I was having my ED issues due to excessive MO, I reassured my wife over and over that I was still attracted to her. (In fact, I was still attracted to her.) But that was only half the battle. The rest had to do with the other sorts of damage I'd done to the relationship by being distant and avoiding intimacy. That is, the reasons she felt bad about herself were not limited to the perception that I no longer found her attractive. You may want to give this some thought....with or without the assistance of a good therapist.

 

Still no answer, @CptCane. I'm on Day 32 of no MO, all of it in hard mode. (No sex with Mrs. 11 in almost 10 weeks.) And I still don't know whether it would be a mistake to resort to an occasional MO -- no P, no binge, light touch, fantasy only about my wife -- just to relieve the pressure when it is clear there will be no sex for at least several days, i.e., when it is her time of the month.

I could keep going in hard mode. I know I could. But I do have legitimate concerns about PE. I mean, if somehow an opportunity for sex presented itself today, I can't imagine I'd last very long. Not only would that not be very satisfying for either of us, it would be too reminiscent of all the unsatisfying and traumatic experiences we had when I was in the midst of my ED issues.

But is this real logic, or is it just a story that my inner addict is telling me to convince me that it's OK to MO? I don't know the answer.

 

Well I dropped out of hard mode last week. The wife was feeling the mood. I still didn't last 30 sec but neither did she. I made sure she was close before PIV.

I wouldn't MO. Think about it. Are you putting her first by MOing. The answer to myself is no. It's a selfish act and I can't live selfishly any longer. You need to weigh the true reason behind it.

 

Congratulations. I'm hoping to break hard mode in a week now that I've been approved to work at home on Thursdays. I think you're probably right about no MO, even if you're not getting any for prolonged periods of time. And I'm fortunate that my wife generally finishes very quickly, too, so perhaps PE isn't as legitimate a fear as I was making it out to be.

 

I'm new on the site, I'll add a few thoughts.

(Warning- maybe some triggers below) not sure yet where that line is...

Wow- it's amazing to hear stories so similar to mine. I've been married for 25 years. We've been together almost 35 years. Not had regular sex since my son was born 18 years ago and it's been in decline since then. Wife just doesn't have the mojo. Last time we had sex she cried and said she thinks about it a lot and how much (she thinks) she isn't there for me. I've had waves of anger and resentment over the years, blaming her for my desires not being satisfied. Some years ago I discovered 'sexual' massage-Asian massage parlors and since have gotten into purchased sex. I rationalized this because I love my wife and we have shared a lifetime and I don't want to leave her.

I don't get the intimacy from porn that I desire. But the porn habit is a filler and has become a serious habit over the years. I've just begun to realize how much of an addiction the porn is. I wonder about the search for sex outside of marriage.

I don't know where to go from here but the stories above make me think I should talk about it with my wife (again...). I know my PMO habit has affected our relationship. I am saddened to hear these stories but also empowered by the sharing.