Sexless Relationship anyone?

She is currently in therapy. I do not ask what they talk about because that is very personal. She did tell me that the lack of sex in our relationship has come up.
We did couples therapy over the summer. I didn't really care for it and it got quite expensive. The man was very nice but basically just gave us a book to read and told us that as we learn how each other feels love, we are more likely to become physical again. The flaw in that was that, part of how I feel love is through physical intimacy.
I know part of the problem was my inability to perform (due to PMO and low T). The low T is under control now and I am working on the PMO (118 days today). I am certain, at least in the short term, I would be able to perform. I have explained this to her and she says she understands that it had nothing to do with her but can't get past it. Also, she is on mess that low sex drive is a side effect. I am unsure if she has discussed that with her GP or not. What concerns me is not so much her lack of drive, but more her lack of concern for her lack of drive and lack of desire to make me feel good. But, maybe that's a gender thing I don't understand. It's not just sex, but physical intimacy all together that has disappeared. I just hate feeling the resentment and frustration. I'm at a loss, but still moving forward... Trusting in the universe that things will play out

 

Meds

 

Its definitely not a gender thing. I'm in the same boat and I'm a woman. Its really hard when Your partner doesn't seem that bothered. You feel like you're constantly banging your head against the wall. We're trying to take the pressure off by cuddling and maybe doing other stuff but never pushing for intercourse. If it happens, it happens. But at least we get some form of intimacy which helps me feel less frustrated. Maybe you could try the Senate focus stuff and see if that helps?

 

Well we had sex... Didn't last long for obvious reasons lol. But it was fun and felt sooooooo good to connect physically. My question is now do I reset my counter?

 

Man I think this puts some things in perspective for me. I feel like my relationship could go this way unless we address some issues pronto. We've agree to go to couple's counselling- is this something you've ever considered? I also wonder whether your confidence is beaten in part by your relationship situation. I thought it was bad enough getting the silent treatment for a day but 8 months! That doesn't sound too healthy... Have you considered some time apart to get perspective? It might also help with the confidence and realising that being alone is not so bad?

 

Thanks for the feedback, which was clearly written "from the heart."

Not only have I "considered" this, but I am praying and doing everything that I can to try and make it happen. My wife has many very-positive qualities, but -- with that -- she seems to have issues that prevent her from being able to rationally discuss our problems and my shortcomings.

Although the silent treatment has finished and has even been nonchalantly replaced with a "friendly" atmosphere (so long as we talk only about "superficial" things), I still am unable to raise any sensitive issues for discussion or even imply that I'd be happier if she improved this or that. So yes, I still feel like I'm locked in a jail where I cannot express myself, and this is VERY unhealthy. And yes, my confidence as a person, as a man, and even as a business owner, has greatly suffered as a result.

But, as I think I might have written already: I'm too scared and weak to put my foot down. As bad as many aspects of this central pillar of my life might be, I still think that being alone will even worse for me, and will also be devastating for our child. And the truth is that she really does have a ton of very positive qualities, and strong potential to become a truly-wonderful and fully-normative person. And thus I continue to be pathologically optimistic, or at least stubborn (or possibly masochistic?).

I pray that G-d will help her realize that her behavior is slowly destroying our family, and give her the strength and courage to genuinely allow us to mutually fix things. I feel that I have no other choice but to muster almost-infinite patience. And, thank G-d, the latest developments are rather encouraging.

 

A tough situation no doubt. You've done amazingly well to get to 193 days under the circumstances incidentally. I've been seeing a counsellor and we've talked about my relationship a lot. I feel like my confidence has been diminished occasionally as well but his advice has been to be as open as I can and as authentic as I can. It's very difficult if you're wife isn't willing to go there. Are you seeing a counsellor yourself? That might help bring some confidence back. I can totally understand the fear of being alone and how that must increase as you get older. Perhaps separation isn't necessary but real communication surely is? I'm learning a lot on this forum and through my close friendships about how relationships can simultaneously free and trap us. I'm resolved to start a process with my girlfriend of being more open and honest. It's a frightening prospect as I'm worried I will hurt her. But as my counsellor has pointed out there is a distinction between hurt and harm. We should be free to express how we feel and to be ourselves outside and inside our relationships! I hope you are able to make inroads in that respect too. It sounds like you already have but you have a way to go. I wish you the best on that journey and if you need support drop me a line.

 

Thanks once again, @fapstronaut2000!

Real communication is obviously a fundamental foundation of any healthy relationship. But my otherwise-wonderful wife is seriously challenged when it comes to communicating: certainly with regard to "painful" issues, and even with regard to anything involving even a hint of criticism in her direction. That is a fact of my current situation, and I would probably be justified if I chose to say "enough-is-enough" and simply leave. But, as I said before, I am both too weak and scared to make such a move, as well as highly doubtful that I'd feel better after succeeding to prove that "I'm not a pushover" but then reman alone. And likewise, despite all of the tremendous hurt that I am experiencing, I also manage to find quite a few positive sparks, and focusing exclusively on these is my way of maintaining my sanity.

Although I definitely feel that I am in need of help and counseling, I have not received any professional help yet -- mainly because of lack of budget. I have heard that very often, the counseling that people manage to receive (de facto) is a lot of unhelpful B.S. Or -- perhaps more accurately -- that one often has to experiment with many different counselors until one finally finds a true professional that is able to actually help. I guess that if I had an unlimited budget, I could start this lengthy and expensive process -- and maybe one day actually find the right professional. But -- due to the serious career damage that I feel in large part has resulted from my marital situation -- I cannot monetarily afford the luxury of such a wild-goose-chase (which would also be a waste of valuable time as well). So, as you can see, I'm caught in a pretty sad "catch-22" deadlock situation.

However, to a certain extent, I feel that this NoFap.com forum has provided me, at least informally, with a zero-cost and high-quality counselling-substitute. The very fact that I can publicly write what's on my mind, in an anonymous manner, itself provides me with tremendously cathartic help. And the added fact that -- here and there -- a few high-quality individuals (such as yourself! ) have taken their time to actually read what I wrote and write back ... has increased the value of this processes sevenfold!

So, from the bottom of my heart: my deepest thanks to you, and to my other friends, here at the NoFap.com forum!

May we continue to succeed in mutually helping and strengthening each other in times of need, as well as -- with G-d's help -- sharing in each other joy as we manage to break free of our shackles and find peace!

 

@Yesodi It's true that counselling is expensive. I have been lucky enough to get free counselling through my educational institution although now I'm considering longer term therapy I have the same problem as I can't afford it. I'm not sure where you're based but in my country it's possible to get free counselling with a referral from a doctor although this tends to be short-term and aimed at treating symptoms rather than causes. In my experience you're right to say that you have to try a few out before you find a good one as well.

So I'm glad to hear that you're finding good support here on the forum. It's definitely helped me - if I'm ever bored and alone with a spare moment, instead of looking at P, I log on to NF instead. Seems like there are many good and brave souls here!

Maybe leaving your wife is a step too far at the moment and you could focus on opening up the channels of communication and see where that leads. A good friend of mine has been in a repressive relationship for a long time. Recently he's started being much more honest with his partner and now they are separating. I think it's going to be really good him even though they have a child together and the first few months will undoubtedly be tough. I can see him becoming free again. I hope you can start to find the strength to be honest- "...the only thing left we have to fear is fear itself!"

 

Honestly, I have been in a "very few sex marriage" (not sexless), and I got over it using "The Married Man Sex Life Primer" by Athol Kay.
Worth reading for all those who want more sex in their marriage.
Now it's back to normal.

 

Once again, thank you @fapstronaut2000 for your genuine efforts to offer helpful advice.

I feel that I am doing all that I currently can from my side to open up our channels of communication. This includes trying to make her happy, in the hope that it will also make her want to open the channel from her side as well. And it also includes being open, from my side, to bringing in 3rd-party help in order to teach us how to mutually communicate better. But despite an occasional "one step forward" and resulting spark of hope, there are still too many "two steps back." Thus, it is very challenging to continue this way.

I understand where you are coming from in encouraging me to be "more honest."

But, if it makes any sense, I am viewing this situation very differently from how I suspect that you (and most "normal" people) might view it -- which probably would mean placing primary or significant focus on my own sense of personal happiness and fulfillment. From that perspective, after enough genuine but unsuccessful attempts to get things working, a "normal" person should eventually find the courage to "be honest" with himself, realize that "this isn't working," and then decide on "becoming free again."

On the other hand (and I don't want to come across as overly "saintly", but) my spiritual worldview pushes me to view the situation from a number of "selfless" perspectives that some might find crazy. I am not talking just about my child's perspective here. And I'd also like to think that these spiritual perspectives are not just an excuse to cover up the fact that I do admit to being "fearful," or that I find it very hard to envision myself rebuilding my life from scratch if I were to become "free."

So, the way that I see the options before me are:

• Continue with the "passive" measures of: being strong and stubbornly-optimistic, not "breaking" or giving up hope
• Continue with the "active" measures of: trying to be "nice" (but also "smart") in an effort to stimulate positive feelings and behavior on her side
• And perhaps the area where I truly do need to build up my courage:
  • not in trying to "break free," but instead in trying to enforce borders, despite my fear that doing so might shatter the currently ultra-frail marital situation
  • to escape the "victim role" that I find myself playing, seemingly without any other alternative

I pray that, with help from "Above," I shall somehow manage to make progress in these areas over time.

 

Giving someone the silent treatment for days, weeks and months on end is childish and mental abuse IMO.
I've had to start over several times before. The first time terrified me but I finally found myself once we broke up. I had been with him from 18-29.
Miserable and unhappy but stubbornly determined to be with him.
Life's too short to be unhappy. Period.
If disagreements and unpleasantries come up... Hash that crap out and then move on. I can go from flipping out to let's cuddle and watch TV in 10 minutes. Hah... Maybe I'm not normal!

 

Thanks for responding!

Yes, I most certainly consider "silent treatment" to be a form of emotional/psychological abuse -- especially when prolonged! The few times I've mustered up the courage to explicitly tell my wife how I view this and other similar behaviors of hers, she has effectively mocked me for being a delicate sissy. Out of my love for her, I really do pity her for being locked into this "hatred-and-revenge mode," because I am quite certain that -- while my shortcomings certainly have contributed to her fire -- a significant portion of the underlying causes are much deeper, untreated, issues that have been festering inside her for years, long before she met me, and without any connection to me.

I think that the quick "flipping-out" that you describe is considered "normal" for the "female race."

My wife does quite a bit of it herself, but mostly in the other direction. I know that at some level she'd like to "hash that crap out," but it arouses further pity in me when I see that she is genuinely incapable of rationally engaging in any discussion that involves even the slightest criticism of her. It's obvious to me that she personally needs help no less that I (and we as a couple) do. Her idea of "moving on" is ceasing the explicit militant belligerence, talking more-or-less "normally" to me (but with no displays of love and affection), and perhaps pampering me with her amazing cooking (which I think is the only way she is capable of expressing any level of "love" towards me).

I'd like to agree with your statement that "Life's too short to be unhappy. Period", but I think that I'm probably the not-normal one for feeling that perhaps that would be "selfish" of me , and not in tune with the spiritual mission for which I believe I was "sent down" to Earth.

 

I can understand. Hopefully you can get things moving in the right direction. Have you ever just sat down and wrote her a letter?

 

Actually not, and I thank you for suggesting this wonderful idea! (Why didn't I think of that?!)

I'm still not sure if I'll actually do it or not, because:

1. I'm a chicken who is scared of the consequences that this admittedly-less-confrontational attempt at communication might trigger.
   
   
2. I suspect that -- in essence -- it won't really change things, because she already knows pretty much everything and anything that I might write her. She's heard it all, gaziilions of times, before. She already knows:
   • my claim that, despite everything, I still love her and want her -- only her!
   • my assertion that -- if only we even start to genuinely try -- we have a real chance of fixing everything and even achieving the fairy-tale level of love that I so much want to give her.
   • that I admit to, and am willing to take full responsibility for, my own shortcomings -- but that I need her help (or at least her cooperation) in my efforts to try and fix them
   • ...
     
     But the problem is that she claims to not care at all about this any more! She insists that she is convinced that "she made a mistake" by marrying me; that she has no patience and strength to listen to my in-depth analyses of everything, or to offer me even the slightest help in fixing my own problems; and that all she wants is for me to "set her free."
     
     And she also already knows my stance on this: that I will not keep her chained to me by force, and that I cannot force her to love me. And thus, if she insists on leaving me, I will not be able to prevent this. But that, on the other hand, I consider her to be my gift from G-d, and I will not be the one that initiates or even assists in any form of breakup-procedure.
     
     Thus, the main reason that I think a letter might not work is that it doesn't really solve the main difficulty of communication, which is in the opposite direction. And I doubt that she would be capable of writing a letter to me, either, because I think that her real problem is that she doesn't really know what she wants (or that she doesn't have the courage to go ahead with what she claims is her true desire).
     
     I have already told her that "she needs to decide what she wants," but that she can't be "not here and not there." If she decides that she will -- even temporarily -- keep the marriage intact, she needs to understand that there are a minimum set of basic requirements that she too must meet! For lack of a better choice, I am willing to go on (for now) without any sexual intimacy (even though it's driving me crazy). But at the very least, she needs to communicate with me, as a human, with a minimal level of businesslike respect. And I need to be able to express myself! I cannot be kept in a psychological jail where I must always fear to diplomatically and delicately raise even the slightest question or criticism!

 

I don't have any friends I hang out with and I co exist easily with my boyfriend.
A lot of people are busy with work, home life and their families. If I have a free Saturday I'm 100% going fishing with my boyfriend not hang out with one of my friends I haven't seen in two years to go shopping and listen to her ramble on about shit I care nothing about.

I don't think that point is valid.

What is valid is she clearly acts like she doesn't love you and says it was a mistake marrying you. That's pretty black and white.

 

Thank you so much, @Rav70, for continuing to offer your womanly perspective. I means a lot to me!

Yes, on the surface my wife's behavior seems to imply in a very black-and-white manner that she does not love me.

But, as I explained in greater detail in my personal journal, the situation is not so simple:

My wife explicitly claims that she did genuinely love me, and strongly hints to me that -- in essence -- she still does.

As I explain in the post that I quoted, I am fairly certain that the main factor behind her negative behavior towards me is the deep hurt that she feels as a result of my ED, which she incorrectly interprets as lack-of-love on (and even "deception"!) on my part, and which lead her to a combination of uncontrolled emotional reflexes, together with premeditated "revenge."

 

Gotcha!
Well, dig in for a hard bumpy ride. Don't give up.

 

I think that I can objectively say that my wife doesn't really have any true/good "friends" today. She would most likely agree with my assessment as well.

More specifically: because she is indeed full of many very-positive qualities, and also publicly projects a very likable persona, virtually every one that knows her likes her . But, being a very closed person, and also someone with limited patience for most people and a tendency to find faults in others, none of these friendships have evolved into true, serious, "best-friend" friendships. She never had too many "best friends" as a child either, and maintains extremely-limited contact with any of them today.

99% of her human-interaction efforts are reserved for her immediate family -- meaning her brothers and sisters -- among which she has effectively taken on the role of "Benevolent Dictator." Ever since her father died a tragic death many years ago, she has served as her mother's "second-in-command" (and in many ways, even "first-in-command" for the whole family). After her mother too recently passed away tragically, her role as "commander-in-chief" has become strengthened even more, and I suspect that the "absolute power" thing has gotten to her head. Without getting into the ugly details: she has started to, often militantly, micro-manage many aspects of the private lives of her siblings. I don't want to portray her as a "wicked witch," because her intentions are generally positive. But there is definitely a very unhealthy dynamic of power and absolute control that has been strengthening over the years, and I am not the only "meek" one who is "scared" of her. This is part of what I meant when I wrote before that "It's obvious to me that she personally needs help no less that I (and we as a couple) do."

 

Wow. What a story of control, on so many different levels, both good and bad. Your ability to control your desires. Your wife's desire to control you and her family. Is her witholding love and sex yet another manifestation of that control she exerts on you? It sounds like a classic co-dependent relationship. I do not envy your position, and I would not presume to know what your next steps should be. The questions I have are: Are you happy? Do you think you deserve to be happy? What would true happiness look like to you? What is the second-best option if you can't have the ideal? What are you willing to give up to find true happiness? What will that cost you?