Sexual Anxiety

I am losing the battle before I even start. At some moments I’m so ready for sex and others I feel like I’m doomed to fail (and at those times I literally always do). I know all of this is mental. I’m so fucking embarrassed and emasculated by this and the shit I think to myself is so awful. I’m 11 days clean and overall I’ve been a lot more sober in 2020. I feel like a disappointment and not a man, and I don’t even know how my wife could find me attractive at this point. I hate myself right now.

 

My SO has been great through all of this. She’s getting frustrated bc I get inside my own head to a point where there is no walking off the ledge, but I can’t blame her.

I think the silver lining to this is I’ve never loved someone to the point to want to fight this like I am now. I’m only 13 days in a row in, but by and large I’ve never been in a period where I slip up less. I just really beat myself up with each set back.

 

I myself haven’t tried anything, but I am open to stuff that is natural. Do you have any suggestions?

 

Sometimes I just feel shame for who I am. It’s like PMO are this bandaid that covers up all the things about myself I regret that I’ve done or that I struggle with. I’ve taken that away for 16 days and right now all this shame is floating to the top of my mind. It makes me dislike myself so much.

 

I’m not trying to make this a daily thread or journal per se, but I did want to post to give myself a little strength.

These are such difficult times. I’m blessed to have a job, but things are so slow you never know if that job will continue. I have a bit of a side passion that I am pursuing as hard as I can so that hopefully one day it leads to something better.

When I have days where I’m afraid or stressed, all I want is to go hit up all of my favorite spots online and lose myself in it. I’m not going to do that though. As soon as I hit post I’m going to sit down and meditate for ten minutes and hit the rest of my day with all my might. Here’s to today 17 turning to day 18.

 

Today I went to the office and did some work amongst some coworkers (most of my stuff is done at home bc Covid) and it’s crazy how that takes my mind off stuff. I think part of my problem right now is that I’m just always a freakin home able to bury myself in my darkest thoughts. I beat myself up for hours each day thinking about how I’m not a good partner, not fixable, and bound to never being happy.