Sexual Assault Survivor/Sex Addict

I posted my story in New to NoFap. I will copy and paste it here since my issues are not just porn specific.

I am ready to start this journey. I am 28 years old. I was first exposed to porn at the ripe age of 6 years old. I am a male sexual assault survivor. I was assaulted by two males when I was 8 and assaulted by a female when I was 11. I did not have my first voluntary sexual experience until I was 16 and had full on sex when I was 19. I had turned down a series of potentially healthy relationships in my teens and my entire 20's for hedonistic and catastrophic ones. More on that later. I used to watch porn 10 times per day. I am down to 2-3. However, I know my duration has gotten longer.

Sex and porn has been the root of all evil for me. I have slept with hundreds of women and can't even see their faces. I don't say this to brag, I say this because I am humiliated by it. It is a miracle that I haven't caught anything or have had any kids running around. Also, I was watching porn while engaging in sex. I had at least dozens of releases at the peak of my sexual addiction, often engaging with multiple partners on the same day (sometimes at the same time when I hit up a local university), coming home and rubbing one or two out. When I was engaging in promiscuity, I often had to be drunk or high. This got me addicted to alcohol, weed and cocaine, which dramatically decreased my chances of gainful employment and caused me to drop out of college 3 times. It also took me away from my passions which were music and martial arts. I was very often broke to boot. I am happy to report that I am now a business owner and honor's society member with full scholarships. I am engaging in MMA 3 times per week, have been working out 4 times per week, and just picked up my guitar and harmonica for the first time in like 4 years. I have done a bit of growing over the last few years. However, I am still a functional porn addict. I sometimes watch porn at work or in a parking lot, which is very, very dangerous.

In terms of relationships, I just got out of a 6 year long dysfunctional and abusive relationship with an extremely hyper-sexual woman with borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder. This is a pattern of behavior as I have spent 11 years total with dysfunctional or broken women. She made everything come true in terms of sexual fantasies. You name it, she did it. She made me feel like a man. This did not come without its downside as she cheated on me multiple times and tried to destroy my life each time I tried to break it off by threatening legal action. Trust me when I say it was hell. And I loved every second of it for 6 years until I broke it off because I have been engaging in massive self improvement and ownership. What I will say is that I did not cheat on her once. Loyalty is still something that comes natural to me. However, through this relationship, I was still watching porn. I am still watching porn even after the relationship.

The reason why I am here is to avoid the cycle of promiscuity I go down when watching porn and am single. To avoid the cycle that leads me down a path of addiction and self destruction. To avoid relationships like the one I just got out of. To change my view of women and sex. Also, porn triggers me because now it sends me back to thinking about my toxic and dangerous relationship that I just got out of. It makes me yearn for her and want her so bad that I have to pick up that phone and call her. Although, I do have enough self respect not to. I don't know how long that will last.

It's time to kick this 22 year habit once and for all, especially if I want to have a healthy relationship that will lead to marriage and kids. I know sexual satisfaction is not found with multiple partners, through pixels, with your hand and a fantasy or with sociopathic women. It is found with a loving and caring partner who I hope to find. Who I am opening myself up to finding.

For the record, I plan on spending at least one year single and in intense psychological therapy for this relationship and the trauma mentioned above. There is a lot of trauma to my life but these are the ones related to porn and sex. I just need a support group for the porn/masturbation addiction. This seems to be a good time to stop. It's the last breath of a dying demon it seems. I'm not here for sympathy, I am here for the ass kicking I need to get this shit done. I need to start counting the days. Today marks day one.