Sexual Incompatibility?

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Brittsyboos, May 1, 2019.

  1. Brittsyboos

    Brittsyboos Fapstronaut

    Hello all, my boyfriend and I have been together for four years now and he has had his PA for the majority of it but now he has been able to last about a month before relapsing for the past few months, so progress on that front :) However, as this issue subsides, a new one arises...

    The other day I had asked if he would do oral on me and he said he would and when he came home from work he did that exactly...for a total of maybe 30 seconds, then went on to complain about his back pains and a headache. During this 30 seconds I was quite vocal and I was very into it but he seemed to be avoiding putting his whole face in if that makes sense, instead he was very shy about it and wouldn't do t with passion (maybe this is the word I meant earlier).

    Either way, I later confronted him about it and asked if he didn't enjoy it. I also asked what I could do to make it a better experience for him if he didn't enjoy it. He admitted to not enjoying it saying that "it wasn't his favourite thing" but refused to tell me why he didn't like it and how I could change it.

    In the past, I have noticed he didn't seem to like it and thus have tried many different ways to make it more appealing (i.e. showering immediately before, shaving, using a flavoured lube etc.) but he never took the bait. Since this was during his P watching days, I thought that that might be the reason.

    However, now he still doesn't enjoy it despite (mostly) giving up P. This really concerns me because I have tried everything I can to make it a better experience for him and its the only way I have ever reached O without doing things myself. He said that he would still do it since he knows that its not fair to not give me oral when I do for him but knowing and seeing that he doesn't enjoy it really ruins the whole experience for me. So now I am worried that I'm just never going to O with him, ever. Because I'm not comfortable with asking him to do something he doesn't like and even if I was, I would have a hard time O-ing when he visibly isn't enjoying himself.

    Anyways, my question to all of you was if your partners have had their sexual tastes change after giving up P and how long it took. I have a hard time accepting that this is the end of ever receiving oral and it might sound shallow but I'm not so sure that I can stay with him knowing this. It just defeats the purpose of sex if its only going to be him ever getting off on it. Anyways, I'm not really sure what to do or think or if I should wait and see if he changes his mind or if he genuinely is just never going to like it? :(
  2. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

    It can take anywhere from a few months to a few years after being sober and in full recovery before a PA can begin to learn what their true drive and actual sexual tastes are. It takes a long time for the brain to heal from the damage that has been done from the constant barrage of porn and instant gratification. It didn't happen overnight to get that way and it won't happen overnight to heal, especially if he only makes it a few weeks before he relapses.
    Butterfly1988 and hope4healing like this.
  3. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    @Brittsyboos I've been reading back through your posts, and they are just so heartbreaking:

    But they are all wrong. So often you return to the thought that it is you who are not enough, that it is your failing. That is just not true.

    I know this is easier to say than to do but please stop thinking this. His relationship with porn is not your fault at all, and it is that relationship that has decimated your self esteem. Let me quote someone who has not been around for a while:

    Or, as you put it:

    You can. You deserve better than this and he needs to realise that.
    Last edited: May 2, 2019
  4. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    @Brittsyboos, sorry for the serial posting, but here's another for you to think about from @GG2002 who went through similar pain.(I've chopped it up but this is one whole post.)

    Of course I am indebted to my wife that she gave me a chance, and it is great that you are giving your boyfriend a chance, but at some point he has to commit to his own recovery and from what you post I cannot see that.
    Butterfly1988 and EyesWideOpen like this.
  5. Brittsyboos

    Brittsyboos Fapstronaut


    No, there is no need to apologize, people on the outside (such as yourself) see things that I don't see. Or perhaps I have come to these realizations and all I need is a confirmation of these thoughts. I am definitely going to look at @GG2002's posts since you have recommended a read. Thanks for the input and genuine time and effort put into your posts on here.
  6. Bogo Biggins

    Bogo Biggins Fapstronaut

    Hi @Brittsyboos, has your partner actually said he dosnt like oral at all? If so, you cannot make him do it, after all everyone isn't the same. Also, what type of P was he into?

    If he says he likes oral as a sexual practice though generally, it could just be the P symptoms that are turning him off. It sounds bizarre, but many guys get sucked into P that has nothing to do with their real sexual tastes, this is just one of the crazy things about P. So in extreme cases, perfectly straight people get into gay P etc. Therefore it may take alot of time before he fully recovers sexually.

    I base all this on my own experiences. Some of the bizarre Femdom things I used to 'enjoy' watching are of no interest to me in real life.
    Butterfly1988 likes this.
  7. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    Well my husband had never done oral on a girl before me and wasn't super thrilled to do it in the beginning but now it's his favorite thing to do. He was very damaged with what porn did to him and his views about sex. It can take a while for their tastes to change, go back to normal, and to get healthy.

    Some people don't like oral, others have trauma issues around it out of abuse, and some just are selfish and will say they don't like oral to just avoid doing it. Having an honest conversation with him about it is the way to figure it out. Have direct questions that he can answer.

    Do you not like the angle?
    Do you not like the taste?
    Do you not like the position?

    He will have to give an answer to a straight forward questions like that. Those are yes or no questions, not open ended questions. For me, I've learned that when with an addict early in recovery direct yes/no questions are easier on their brain due to the damage and emotional stunting that can occur, and even those questions can be hard for them to answer as most often times addicts are on auto-pilot and are not actually mindful of anything around them.

    I hope that you guys can figure it out!
  8. MadWoman

    MadWoman Fapstronaut

    Have you any theories as to why oral is the only way you can achieve an orgasm? I would want to understand that before understanding why he isn't interested in it.
  9. Brittsyboos

    Brittsyboos Fapstronaut

    I am not sure what there is to dissect...most women don't get off on intercourse alone. As such, I am one of them. And I can get off on my own using hands or toys no problem, I just mean that intercourse is not enough for me to orgasm as is common place for a woman. Therefore, the only way to get there is through oral stimulation.

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