Sexual Orientation

E

Evolve1

Fapstronaut
Guys, I really could use some help and feedback. I’m in my early 40’s and have been struggling with porn addiction since adolescence. I didn’t realize I had a bonafide adddiction until I was about 27 and met with some therapists. Since then I’ve seen well over a dozen different therapists with little to no success.

My addiction started out harmless by looking at Playboys then harder core material like Juggs and Hustler then moved on to porn movies. It started off when heterosexual sex then lesbian porn and in my early 20’s I got hooked onto transsexual porn.

I’ve been addicted to that type of porn for about 20 years now and it’s been really tough to get off of it. At the same time it’s really got me confused about my sexuality. I don’t know if I’m gay, straight or bi.

I’m single, never married and have only really had two serious relationships with girls in the past.

I’m attracted to women when I’m walking around and a beautiful woman will definitely catch my eye and sometimes I can’t help but keep starring at her but there’s a disconnect between what my mind sees as a hot girl and my penis. Like my penis doesn’t respond, at all.

I think all these years of getting off to such deviant porn has re-wire do my brain and what I’m turned on by.

Since I’ve been dealing with this for sooooo long and seen sooooo many therapists with no success, I feel really hopeless.

I’m hoping I can get some support and encouragement from some of you guys here that I can beat this and one day find the woman of my dreams that wildly turned on by emotionally, spiritually and physically and perhaps settle down and have a family of my own instead of being this sad, pathetic man with ambiguous sexuality who has absolutely no dating life.
 
Do you have the same thoughts about men when you see them or is it only in what you watch? You don't have to answer just something to think about. My wife had asked me similar questions based upon what o had been looking at. For myself the thought of it in reality did nothing for me and I had no want or need. It was just an escalation of always needing to see things more crazy than the month before.
 
Brother fell good that you made to 40. It is a milestone. Brother I want to quote here that:- " We are much stronger than what we think we are."
 
Freddiefox said:
Do you have the same thoughts about men when you see them or is it only in what you watch? You don't have to answer just something to think about. My wife had asked me similar questions based upon what o had been looking at. For myself the thought of it in reality did nothing for me and I had no want or need. It was just an escalation of always needing to see things more crazy than the month before.
Click to expand...

I am not attracted to men at all...at least not yet. I’m afraid it may escalate to that if I don’t get a handle on this. I’m mainly drawn to very feminine transsexuals with fake boobs.
 
Roady said:
Hi, it's kinda brave to share your story here!
I've struggled with lot of stuff in my past as well. Seriously thought that I was or had to be gay.
But now I'm sure I'm straight.
Porn is creating lots of confusion. Trans porn touches the identity, that makes it even worse.
I described a lot in my journal. Maybe it can inspire you to do the struggle and reach out to your normal life.

Also think about the onion.
It has a kernel with several layers around it.
Our soul works quiet the same. Years of porn has created lots of layers, but the kernel is still there.
Your task is clean up all the emotional layers and reach out to your kernel. The "real you" is still inside of you, waiting to see the light :)
It's a tough struggle, but I made it in my life. So you can do too :)
Click to expand...


Thanks. I’ll read your journal.
 
First, I need to recommend an app called Fortify. If u can/will, check it out. Second, congratulations on your perseverance! It’s something to be proud of. You didn’t stopped fighting. Then, I wanted to say that everyone of us has the opportunity to be clean. Some of us have more time fighting, some of us started earlier, some of us failed before. But one thing that we all have in common is that we all need only one try to work. Also, this very moment is totally new, no matter how many times you have failed, you have never lived this moment before. One thing that helps me get my hopes up is to know that it’s a process. If I can’t beat the big boss, I can aim at my other smaller weakness , beating minions to get exp and evolve to be strong enough to beat the big boss. In real life, that works seeing what is it that you do that helps you get clean and what is it that it keeps you from winning. Focus on those things, those minions you have to beat to enhance your body, mind and, if you believe in it, soul. Exercise, studying about the problem, mindfulness, reading fiction and non-fiction, eating healthy.... the big boss is never totally alone. And the good news is that you have countless lives to beat the boss so you can learn all about his special attacks, weak spots , behavior... So, if you have more experience and knowledge about your big boss, use it against him. What we can do from all our failures is learning more about ourselves, our triggers, our own weak spots and change all of our lives, our habits so we can fortify ourselves, weaken the boss and one day, beat it. Because you only have to beat it once.

About your orientation, a little science: when we have an orgasm our brains activate the reward system. Our brain maps start remembering that and every time we use those same brain maps,they get stronger and stronger. Like trekking ! Imagine you are walking in the woods and no one has never walked that path before. After you walk on a path, the leaves get smashed and you leave a trail behind you. That trail gets stronger and stronger if you walk on it more and more. If a whole city population walks in the same path, the grass dies, some bushes and even trees dies as well and the trail becomes a dirt road. The good news are that if no one walks on that road anymore, it starts to become a path again, the bushes , grass, trees starts to grow again and if no one never walks on it again , after a while it will look like no one has ever walked on it. This is how your habits work. And even if you relapse once in a while, it would be like one person walking in the dirt road, it will not be enough to stop the growing of the plants. But making that an excuse to relapse it will make you walk more than once, so please avoid it as much as you can but don’t ever feel discourage or hopeless just because you relapsed once. Just get up and , if you can, start doing stuff that would be like watering that path so the plants can grow faster, like mindfulness and exercising (especially aerobic). Also, your brain is so used to feel pleasure after looking at that kind of porn that it starts to ask for it, to link the images to the pleasure and stops separating them.

I don’t know if I explained it clearly (English is not my first language) but if something wasn’t explained enough or if you have any questions please tell me so i can do better and try to answer them. i hope that this can help you at least a little bit.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Leonardosc95 said:
First, I need to recommend an app called Fortify. If u can/will, check it out. Second, congratulations on your perseverance! It’s something to be proud of. You didn’t stopped fighting. Then, I wanted to say that everyone of us has the opportunity to be clean. Some of us have more time fighting, some of us started earlier, some of us failed before. But one thing that we all have in common is that we all need only one try to work. Also, this very moment is totally new, no matter how many times you have failed, you have never lived this moment before. One thing that helps me get my hopes up is to know that it’s a process. If I can’t beat the big boss, I can aim at my other smaller weakness , beating minions to get exp and evolve to be strong enough to beat the big boss. In real life, that works seeing what is it that you do that helps you get clean and what is it that it keeps you from winning. Focus on those things, those minions you have to beat to enhance your body, mind and, if you believe in it, soul. Exercise, studying about the problem, mindfulness, reading fiction and non-fiction, eating healthy.... the big boss is never totally alone. And the good news is that you have countless lives to beat the boss so you can learn all about his special attacks, weak spots , behavior... So, if you have more experience and knowledge about your big boss, use it against him. What we can do from all our failures is learning more about ourselves, our triggers, our own weak spots and change all of our lives, our habits so we can fortify ourselves, weaken the boss and one day, beat it. Because you only have to beat it once.

About your orientation, a little science: when we have an orgasm our brains activate the reward system. Our brain maps start remembering that and every time we use those same brain maps,they get stronger and stronger. Like trekking ! Imagine you are walking in the woods and no one has never walked that path before. After you walk on a path, the leaves get smashed and you leave a trail behind you. That trail gets stronger and stronger if you walk on it more and more. If a whole city population walks in the same path, the grass dies, some bushes and even trees dies as well and the trail becomes a dirt road. The good news are that if no one walks on that road anymore, it starts to become a path again, the bushes , grass, trees starts to grow again and if no one never walks on it again , after a while it will look like no one has ever walked on it. This is how your habits work. And even if you relapse once in a while, it would be like one person walking in the dirt road, it will not be enough to stop the growing of the plants. But making that an excuse to relapse it will make you walk more than once, so please avoid it as much as you can but don’t ever feel discourage or hopeless just because you relapsed once. Just get up and , if you can, start doing stuff that would be like watering that path so the plants can grow faster, like mindfulness and exercising (especially aerobic). Also, your brain is so used to feel pleasure after looking at that kind of porn that it starts to ask for it, to link the images to the pleasure and stops separating them.

I don’t know if I explained it clearly (English is not my first language) but if something wasn’t explained enough or if you have any questions please tell me so i can do better and try to answer them. i hope that this can help you at least a little bit.
Click to expand...


You some great English! Thank you for the encouragement!
 
Leonardosc95 said:
First, I need to recommend an app called Fortify. If u can/will, check it out. Second, congratulations on your perseverance! It’s something to be proud of. You didn’t stopped fighting. Then, I wanted to say that everyone of us has the opportunity to be clean. Some of us have more time fighting, some of us started earlier, some of us failed before. But one thing that we all have in common is that we all need only one try to work. Also, this very moment is totally new, no matter how many times you have failed, you have never lived this moment before. One thing that helps me get my hopes up is to know that it’s a process. If I can’t beat the big boss, I can aim at my other smaller weakness , beating minions to get exp and evolve to be strong enough to beat the big boss. In real life, that works seeing what is it that you do that helps you get clean and what is it that it keeps you from winning. Focus on those things, those minions you have to beat to enhance your body, mind and, if you believe in it, soul. Exercise, studying about the problem, mindfulness, reading fiction and non-fiction, eating healthy.... the big boss is never totally alone. And the good news is that you have countless lives to beat the boss so you can learn all about his special attacks, weak spots , behavior... So, if you have more experience and knowledge about your big boss, use it against him. What we can do from all our failures is learning more about ourselves, our triggers, our own weak spots and change all of our lives, our habits so we can fortify ourselves, weaken the boss and one day, beat it. Because you only have to beat it once.

About your orientation, a little science: when we have an orgasm our brains activate the reward system. Our brain maps start remembering that and every time we use those same brain maps,they get stronger and stronger. Like trekking ! Imagine you are walking in the woods and no one has never walked that path before. After you walk on a path, the leaves get smashed and you leave a trail behind you. That trail gets stronger and stronger if you walk on it more and more. If a whole city population walks in the same path, the grass dies, some bushes and even trees dies as well and the trail becomes a dirt road. The good news are that if no one walks on that road anymore, it starts to become a path again, the bushes , grass, trees starts to grow again and if no one never walks on it again , after a while it will look like no one has ever walked on it. This is how your habits work. And even if you relapse once in a while, it would be like one person walking in the dirt road, it will not be enough to stop the growing of the plants. But making that an excuse to relapse it will make you walk more than once, so please avoid it as much as you can but don’t ever feel discourage or hopeless just because you relapsed once. Just get up and , if you can, start doing stuff that would be like watering that path so the plants can grow faster, like mindfulness and exercising (especially aerobic). Also, your brain is so used to feel pleasure after looking at that kind of porn that it starts to ask for it, to link the images to the pleasure and stops separating them.

I don’t know if I explained it clearly (English is not my first language) but if something wasn’t explained enough or if you have any questions please tell me so i can do better and try to answer them. i hope that this can help you at least a little bit.
Click to expand...


What do you like about Fortify?
 
Fortify has some great tools like awesome videos with lots of information about the science behind the addiction, habits, what to expect, tools to help you with your goals and help you and help you fight urges, almost everything about it. Also, they have a tracker that help you see and find patterns and other functions. There is a 7 day free trial! Try it and if it doesn’t help u, it’s ok to delete your account
 
Leonardosc95 said:
Fortify has some great tools like awesome videos with lots of information about the science behind the addiction, habits, what to expect, tools to help you with your goals and help you and help you fight urges, almost everything about it. Also, they have a tracker that help you see and find patterns and other functions. There is a 7 day free trial! Try it and if it doesn’t help u, it’s ok to delete your account
Click to expand...


Is there a community aspect to it too where you can connect and communicate with others in recovery to get and offer support?
 
There is a forum as well! And this kind of post is totally possible there. But you can’t add people and talk to them in private unless you have their email address, and that’s not allowed to show in the forums. So it’s harder to find AC’s. That’s the only downside and that’s why I came here to nofap.
 
Be careful about being dependent on other people helping you through this.

Other people can have great advice and ideas (Leondardosc95's post was great) but don't ever feel like you can't act until you find the 'right' answer out there on exactly what to do.

You have to try and work it out yourself, even if you have no clue where to begin. A lot of people get caught up in thinking about the problem for too long as a way to procrastinate.

Make a simple plan to improve now no matter how bad you think it might be
If it fails, think about why it failed and how you can do it differently next time. If it doesn't fail, think about how you might be able to expand and improve on it.

There is nothing wrong with having a goal of being attracted to regular females again.
 
That's very interesting about repeated behavior making a 'track' in your brain. It seems to me that every time I don't go down that familiar trail (PMO) then the desire for it gets weaker. I guess I am making a new 'track'. Repeated avoidance of addicting behavior would seem to make the new positive behavior a deeper more well established trail--one that is easier to walk down. Definitely something to think about.
 
quick answer to your sexuality:

you are straight, it is just the years of porn that have shaped your brain and thinking.

longer answer:
you seek weirder and weider forms of porn.

but it doesnt mean you are attracted to black dogs, aliens and wooden three legged chairs does it?
 
Last edited by a moderator:
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top