Shame, Regret, Guilt: You Relapsed

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by SolidStance, Nov 3, 2015.

  1. Relapsing sucks, we have all been there. Eventually we hit rock bottom and realize we like the sober version of ourselves and life is more clear. On the path of getting clean there are side tracks, slippery slopes and rough weather. We will relapse over the course of our journey. One thing I used to experience is regret, feeling bad— that moment when you realize you messed up and you will be irritable for the next three days.

    There is no advantage to feelings of guilt, shame, regret and anger. These are natural side effects when we slip and become the fallen again, but in and of themselves they hold no actual benefit, no advantage.

    Do yourself a favor and cheer up. Stay positive. Exuding self confidence is reassuring, feeling angry or frustrated could possibly lead to a chaser and binge. “Well, I might as well finish the day with another fap since I’m down again.” No, not today. If we relapse we try even harder. We don’t go backwards and binge.

    As we climb this difficult mountain, we must expect difficulties and set backs, it’s going to happen. But how we make up for it, how we get back up to fight another day, makes all the difference. There is a great learning in a relapse. It proves to our subconscious what it might have doubted. Again and again we learn what makes us happy and what doesn’t.

    Success is inevitable. Yes, I truly believe that. I believe we are all moving toward success no matter what. The quicker we can get back up, the sooner we can throw that next punch. To those that just relapsed, or recently relapsed or edged to porn, let us take a quick look at what to learn. We can use darkness to inspire us, we can use motivating light to keep us from going dark, but sometimes we need to just step back and think about it.

    Instead of pumping yourself up and getting motivated, which is fine, think on the situation as a learning experience. Now that it is over we can use reason and logic to determine if what we did was good. Basically you spent some time looking at people having sex. Generally the scene doesn’t change and is repetitive. No one doubts the enticing factor of the actors, no one doubts that. On the outside they have nice features, and we want to see them without clothes. Right?

    So what is the problem? Well generally for an addict this means binging, opening the floodgates and blowing the whole PMO cycle out of proportion and not stopping until drained and exhausted. Life is affected after that, in a negative way. We aren’t our normal selves; we used to feel better.



    The current relapse is good. Why? Because it reminds us why we are here. For those of us that have not relapsed in a while, we feel good but eventually we too will get complacent and used to feeling our normal awesomeness. Everyone must be cautious. Knowing we are addicts means we can’t simply enjoy the same luxuries as those who don’t have an issue. We should get rid of apps on our phone that easily connect to porn or get past porn blockers. We should avoid spending an unusual amount of time online as we will tend to start searching. We should not use the web at certain times of day, specifically at night.

    Use your last relapse as a critical thinking moment. Analytically break it down into parts. What did we really do and how great was it? Also, ask yourself what is the best it can possibly get. Really, what is the limit to porn and relapsing. Does it get better and better as we get more skilled? Or is it something that actually hurts us over time and stays the same in terms of enjoyment? Actually, in my experience, porn desensitizes me to the old scenes and I constantly would search for something even more extreme, like rape porn. Of course, in real life is that something I enjoy? Rape makes me sick to think about, but in the porn world it is okay? Does that make sense?

    Quite literally an addiction is insanity. We repeat the same thing over and over again, expecting the result to be more fulfilling. Instead it gets worse and it isn’t something that only affects us. After a relapse we are kind of “off” that day, not really sharp. We can heal quickly if we don’t binge but we’re addicted, binging is going to happen.

    Remember that motivation and inspiration are good, but it is not the be-all to recovery. We have to use a multitude of skills to overcome this habit, and to overcome every other challenge in life. There is no set time for any one tool. We need wisdom to guide us, to help us choose which tool to bring out of our arsenal. Wisdom is the timely application of knowledge.

    We have gained much knowledge from our last relapse. Learning from the experience means using that knowledge to better ourselves on another occasion, another test. Once you apply this knowledge when needed, you have used wisdom. Each time we use wisdom we become wiser. Wisdom does not take time. There is no “wisdom timeline” that we use to become the sage. We simply observe the current moment with peace and calm, then act from that calmness.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 8, 2016
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  2. Get back up. Does a boxer stay down? How many times does he get hit in the ring? Over and over again. They only stop when they are physically stopped and handicapped. Thats willpower. Be that willpower.

    Willpower, energy and awareness are the same thing. That means the you that sees out of your eyes is pure energy, pure willpower.
     
    BismaBRJ and marcpro like this.
  3. Time2Stopnow

    Time2Stopnow Fapstronaut

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    That sure is a nice way of putting it! And a great motivation to stand up again when we fall. You're completely right, if you stay focused and get back on your feet after replapsing, you'll be stronger then before and somehow even closer to your goal. Blaming yourself and feeling bad doesn't do you any good. But staying positiv worked for me
     
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  4. Sounds like a small emotional attack of some kind. I wouldnt say nervous breakdown but something getting there.

    The remedy is simple, but some people feel its dangerous, so someone may tell me off after this.

    But you need to write down the memory thats replaying in your mind. Write it down on paper in explicit detail and burn the paper. The energy from your mind goes to your arm to the pen and into the paper. After its burned the impression loses color in your mind, its still exists but it is a dull grey. The emotion behind the memory is reduced. Heavy burdens need to be written every day. Never write without burning. Dont leave that page hanging around like a journal.

    People who have tried this on the sub reddit have been able to fall asleep right after.
     
    swagnarock and (deleted member) like this.
  5. Jodokus

    Jodokus Fapstronaut

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    true but is it even possible?
    Come to think of it all those feelings that we use to have after relapse belong BEFORE the relapse. Afterwards they don't help us, they are pointless. We need them right when we are about to relapse.

    I don't know if this makes any sense, but do you think one can "shift" the strong feelings that manifest in guilt and shame?
     
  6. Jodokus

    Jodokus Fapstronaut

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    makes sense to me. writing is important anyway and burning is a ritual. We used to do and we still do many rituals and we seem to have a reason for that...
     
  7. Interesting, you still think things are impossible?

    Anything can be shifted or redirected. Have you ever taken raw emotion and exercised with it? You can become strong that way.

    Any emotion can be redirected like energy, because emotion is just energy anyway. Its all under our control.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 20, 2015
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  8. Tien

    Tien Fapstronaut

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    remember the bad feelings and reflect on it very often man
     
  9. Phibz

    Phibz Fapstronaut

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    The act of masturbation is only a manifestation of the relapse. The relapse occurs before the act. What is it those alcoholics call it? "stinkin' thinkin'"
     
  10. Reminds me of a story from Yogananda's Autobiography of a Yogi. Yogananda was looking at a mosquito buzzing around and before he tried to kill it he stopped. His master, Sri Yukteswar, saw this happen and said "Why stop now? Your thought of killing was enough to break a vow of ahimsa(non-violence)" Even in his thinking Yogananda needed to be pure.
     
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  11. I wanted to come back here and just say I'm seeing alot of people with great attitudes after a relapse. This is good! There is no advantage to getting upset. As I say, success is not measured by winning, success is measured by how we react to defeat.
     
    BismaBRJ likes this.
  12. KingRecover17

    KingRecover17 Fapstronaut

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  13. Golgo 13

    Golgo 13 Fapstronaut

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    I disagree, i almost relapsed just a few minutes ago. I could have clicked tht button to that p site but I told myself "fuck no, exit out NOW". I took a cold shower and I feel much better.

    I was at that point of saying "fuck it, I already am thinking about it so I might as well do it", but I didn't. Theres a BIG difference between almost relapsing and actually relapsing.

    You can ALWAYS quit, but once you click on to that porn site or start jacking off, you failed.
     
    BismaBRJ likes this.
  14. Divine

    Divine Fapstronaut

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    Nice write. Yes, I would experience these feelings when I would relapse. But no more.. I got this shit. :D :D
     
    SolidStance and Golgo 13 like this.
  15. I felt that this latest writing ties into this thread.

    To those that just relapsed, or recently relapsed or edged to porn, let us take a quick look at what to learn. We can use darkness to inspire us, we can use motivating light to keep us from going dark, but sometimes we need to just reflect, step back and think about it.

    Instead of pumping yourself up and getting motivated, which is fine, think on the situation as a learning experience. Now that it is over we can use reason and logic to determine if what we did was good. Basically you spent some time, looking at people have sex. Generally the scene doesn’t change and is repetitive. No one doubts the enticing factor of the actors, no one doubts that. On the outside they have nice features, and we want to see them without clothes. Right?

    So what is the problem? Well generally for an addict this means binging, opening the floodgates and blowing the whole PMO cycle out of proportion and never stopping until drained and exhausted. Life is affected after that, in a negative way. We aren’t our normal selves and we used to feel better.

    The current relapse is good. Why. Because it reminds us why we are here. For those of us that have not relapsed in awhile, we feel good but eventually we too will get complacent and used to just feeling our normal awesomeness. Everyone must be cautious. Knowing we are addicts means we can’t simply enjoy the same luxuries as those who don’t have an issue. We should get rid of apps on our phone that easily connect to porn, or get past porn blockers. We should avoid spending an unusual amount of time online as we will tend to start searching. We should not use the web at certain times of day, like at night.

    Use your last relapse as a critical thinking moment. Analytically break it down into parts. What did we really do and how great was it? Also, ask yourself what is the best it can possibly get. Really, what is the limit to porn and relapsing. Does it get better and better as we get more skilled? Or is it something that actually hurts us over time, and stays the same in terms of enjoyment. Actually in my experience porn desensitizes me to the old scenes and I constantly would search for something even more extreme, like rape porn. Of course, in real life is that something I enjoy? Rape makes me sick to think about it real life, but in the porn world it is ok? Does that make sense?

    Quite literally an addiction is insanity. We repeat the same thing over and over again, expecting the result to get more fulfilling. Instead it gets worse and it isn’t something that only affects us. After a relapse we are kind of “off” that day, just not really sharp. We can heal quickly if we don’t binge, but we’re addicted, binging is going to happen for us.

    Remember that motivation and inspiration is good, but it is not the be all to recovery. We have to use a multitude of skills to overcome this habit, and to overcome every other challenge in life as a whole. There is no set time for any one tool. We need wisdom to guide us all the time to help choose which tool to bring out of our arsenal. Wisdom is the timely application of knowledge.

    We have gained much knowledge from our last relapse. Learning from the experience means using that knowledge to better ourselves on another occasion, another test. Once you apply that knowledge when needed, you have used wisdom. Each time we use wisdom we become wiser. Wisdom does not take time. There is no “wisdom timeline” that we use to become the sage. We simply observe the current moment with peace and calm, then act from that calmness.
     
    BismaBRJ likes this.
  16. bossman233

    bossman233 New Fapstronaut

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    Thank you sir..very inspiring ...
    I Have tried so many times and failed but am determined . I really need help to stop this pmo. It's destroying my relationship and other things.. I installed k9 web protection on my compute so I wouldn't be able to open a porn site but somehow I still go on on my phone. My mind tricks me into thinking I can watch porn without musterbating but I always end up doing it anyway..
     
    BismaBRJ and (deleted member) like this.
  17. One day you will snap inside. It will happen eventually, the sickness gets so bad the only way is up.

    Don't die an addict.
     
    BismaBRJ and Jodokus like this.
  18. Edited to reflect the chapter in the manual.
     
    BismaBRJ likes this.
  19. Thanks for the kind feedback, Soldier.
     
    BismaBRJ likes this.

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