That is tough. Is there anyone in your family, social network you can trust and talk to? A psychotherapeut maybe? I understand you say you can‘t go on living with this, that‘s why it‘s good you came here to talk. Talk to us. Tell me more about you besides that? You must be someone who has a good heart or you wouldn‘t be suffering so terribly. All these years you carried a burden around, others would just have ignored or forgotten. You haven‘t. That tells me you care. You care about Memo. Try to think of a way how you could find her. Send her a letter. Write a letter now. A letter to her. Start with Dear Memo ... then you write it down, all that you need to let her know. With all your heart, from your soul. Then keep that letter safely with you. And when the time comes you can give that letter to her. What do you think @WeWillNeverFall ? Start writing a letter to her now.