Shared pictures of my GF

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by iUsedToHaveAnAccountHere, Oct 5, 2019.

  1. iUsedToHaveAnAccountHere

    iUsedToHaveAnAccountHere Fapstronaut

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    Hi, im 24 living in Europe!

    I got addicted to PMO when I was 17, as a result of having 2 severly ill(cancer) parents, that I live like 5 hours away from.
    I moved from them before they got ill, to join a specific school and try mywings.

    I didnt really let myself ”feel” anything back then, as I probably used porn to cope with the emotions.



    Long story short fast forward to when i was 22; shit had escalated so to speak.
    I always liked ”bigger” girls, like nothing extreme, but you get it.
    My girlfriend (since 2015) has always been a bit chubby and I love it, but I have always been too much of a pussy to admit it as I thought she wouldnt understand or feel ugly or hurt.

    I lost my job in 2017 for other reasons, wich gave me about a month of ”spare time”, wich equals PMO, as my GF worked full days.
    During this month longPMO/stress/anxiety period I found a website where people with my ”fetish” would share pictures of themselves, chat and so on.
    Without thinking straight, I started to chat with a few girls there, they would send me pictures and such, and I was hooked.

    When I was ”done” I always deleted my profile and promised myself it was the last time... But I kept coming back.
    This was like porn but in a much more realistic way, very addicting as I could act my fetish online.

    Months went by and one day someone asked me how my GF looked like, as I had been telling them about her and why i was visiting that website..
    I was asked to show them how she looked, so (again without using my brain) I uploaded a picture for a short while, a picture from the beach, with no face showing.

    The reactions were JUST like I always have wanted to tell her myself, to let my ”fetish” speak if you get my drift.

    Hearing such compliments from others gave me a HUGE rush, and I was hooked again.

    I kept deleting and making new profiles using those kind of pictures, and eventually went too far, I started taking creep shots of my wonderful beloved girlfriend..
    I used to take photos of her while changing and such, just to be able to show her looks from ”my” perspective..

    I always made sure NEVER to combine face and ”explicity” in the same pictures of course, and i always would remove them after a little while


    This went on for a few months and one day I thought to myself while reading about a rapist, I thought like ”Oh my god, am I just as bad? This is it. I cant take this shit anymore! I have to tell her”

    So i decided to tell her, I told her everything, the chats, photos, creepshots, my fetish yadayada, that I loved her body even though she doesnt, that I love her to the moon and back and promised to never ever return to that dark place - and she was so understanding and was very clear, telling me that this is NOT cheating to her, and its NOT a sexual offense according to her, as she doesnt feel hurt or harmed.
    I agree, I wouldnt feel that way either but knowing that some people would, really haunts me.

    This was like 9-10 months ago, and I have been clean since.

    When she decided to support me, I was so relieved that I had to ask her to be with me for the rest of my life, and she said yes, so we have been engaged ever since.

    I am so happy to have her, and I know that I am not doing those things anymore, but I just cant let go of my shame.



    I constantly put myself equal to rapists, pedophiles, murderers and all other weirdos I can think of, and its so exhausting.
    Everyone keeps telling me that what I did isnt even worth comparing with those other things, and somewhere deep inside I KNOW that, but just cannot unthink it.


    I mean, I read somewhere that pedophiles often have the same kind of behaviour, like uploading pictures of other people (kids in their case) just to lure them, I compare that to the fact that I also uploaded pictures of someone else, my own girlfriend.

    The rapist part, why do I put myselfequal to them?
    Well, because I keep telling myself that this was a violation on her sexual integrity, and such things, even though she keeps telling me that SHE DOESNT FEEL THAT WAY.


    Its like, I keep thinking of myself as a creep, someone who should be in jail and such.




    I have shown full responsibility for my actions towards her, I have asked her a thousand times if she really is okay, and she is.



    I have done everything I can to try and cope with my shame, therapists, stoppning all PMO, talking with my GF about it, I even spoke to rape victims, asking them what they think about my actions, and they all said like ”Wow, really? Are you comparing it with rape? Grow up and just learn from it, its not even remotely comparable with rape in the slightest form”


    Thank you for taking your time reading.

    I was 22, now being 24 I would never do the same. Just so you know :)
     
  2. MuscularSherlockHolmes

    MuscularSherlockHolmes Fapstronaut

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    Comparison wouldn't help you, repentance wouldn't soothe you, forgiveness wouldn't make you happy. What will help you move on is becoming a better person. You have done a wonderful job, and I think it's time to let it go and move forward and treasure the lessons you have learned and forget the mistakes. Let them guide you, but don't let them haunt you.

    Best wishes
    -MSH
     
  3. iUsedToHaveAnAccountHere

    iUsedToHaveAnAccountHere Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for replying, much appreciated!:)

    Yes, well, I always have been the ”good guy”, and I have always been very careful and caring, so I dont understand how I let myself cross my own moral line..

    Im thinking like, yea, I could move on and try to not think about it, but somewhere there has to be a restriction regarding what you should be able to move on from and not.

    I mean, IMO i dont want rapists or child abusers to ever really move on, I hate those, so why should I let myself do so? I keep telling myself I am equal to them for some reason..
     
    Ajikan likes this.
  4. The Valiant

    The Valiant Fapstronaut

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    You're a very lucky man. She's such a wonderful partner if she supported you after that.
     
  5. TrueSaiyan

    TrueSaiyan Fapstronaut

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    Weird never been on anything like that before. You have balls enough to tell her about it though my friend. I wouldn't go that far to post online stuff. But I have showed a close friend of mine that is a co worker some pictures, because we both have a thing for the "ladies"bond. If I told my current online relationship partner I don't know if she would be on board with it.

    But Hey man good job! It's a step towards recovery and your taking action!
     
  6. iUsedToHaveAnAccountHere

    iUsedToHaveAnAccountHere Fapstronaut

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    I know, and I am so thankful!
    I talked to a few other girls about this, they all said the same; they would forgive and support but only if there were signs of great remorse.
    I know she does not feel violated, and that is because I always made sure not to show her face or such in those pictures.
    I wouldnt feel bad if she had done the same towards me either, as long as it doesnt show my face and body in the same pic.

    But thank you for your reply, I appreciate it!
    I am very lucky, and I am so happy for managing to quit and tell her.





    I have heard about a few guys doing the same, and I suppose not many of us have the balls to admit it.

    Oh, thats comparable to what I did IMO, at least none of us did anything that could ”lead back” to our partners so to speak, thats important for my SO and I agree.
    I wouldnt really care if someone posted a pic of me, as long as its not both body and face in the same ones.


    She also says that this would be worse if we were older, like, doing this when you are 40 is worse than doing it in your early 20’s so to speak.
     
    Last edited: Oct 5, 2019
    Ajikan and wallieboy92 like this.
  7. Infrasapiens

    Infrasapiens Fapstronaut

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    Dude I have a thing for chubby or "bigger" girls too. They are adorable. Take care of her, my chubby girl left me two years ago and I'm not sure about wanting to live since that happend.
     
  8. This is exactly why porn is ruining us. The rush we can get from Vanilla just isn't the same anymore and your brain wants things so much worse. I'm glad it stopped before it got irreversible.

    I don't think you're a bad person at all though, just a really bad phase/time for you. Things will definitely look up :)

    Just keep pushing through!
     
  9. iUsedToHaveAnAccountHere

    iUsedToHaveAnAccountHere Fapstronaut

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    I am really sorry for your loss man, and I am happy hearing I am not the only one with this odd attraction.
    Yea, they are absolutely besutiful in a different way than ”skinny” people IMO :)
    There are lots of them too heh, you will find a new girl man! Keep your head up high :)



    Yea, the escalating is really damn scary as i didnt even notice..
    Im glad I managed to man up and bail out, and im so happy that I had the balls to be honest.
    That really is important, she wouldnt be as supportive if I wasnt honest, or if I didnt show any signs of remorse or regret. Im also very glad that I managed to quit all by myself rather than being caught, forced by someone else to quit like so many of you guys.

    Thank you, I really think its fucked up comparing this to rape, but I still do.
    Im beating myself up wich is a good sign of remorse; but I have to draw a line, this shame has to end somehow.
    And as I said, I wouldnt do the same nowadays, never!
     
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  10. Beating yourself up to help open your eyes is more than enough. But you shouldn't beat yourself up over this anymore. You're already changing :)

    And yeah, it's better to figure this out on your own rather than having someone else show you. It's dreadful. And I'm really sure if you keep doing what you do and work towards your goal, you'll definitely succeed man.

    We all make mistakes :)

    [​IMG]

    The world is so beautiful. Let's give ourselves the chance to finally stop being sad and breathe in all this love and joy around us. It starts with us :)
     
  11. Di.Do.555

    Di.Do.555 Fapstronaut

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    She is awesome.
    I am glad you are engaged.
    Change yourself on a molecular level.
    Fill your heart with love. Don't try to suppress your emotions.
    We are all guilty to varying degrees.
    The forces are beyond our defences at times.
    Forgive yourself and move on.
     
  12. iUsedToHaveAnAccountHere

    iUsedToHaveAnAccountHere Fapstronaut

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    Thank you guys, I couldnt even imagine getting this much feedback! :)

    Yea, we all make mistakes, but not everybody will admit that they do.
    And I am so happy I actually did!


    And yes, she is the best. I litterally couldnt ask for more, she is all I ever wanted and all I could ever dream of, and yet I did those stupid things.. Gaahh, how could I be so stupid putting it all at risk just for short moments of satisfication, im so so so lucky she understands.


    I will do everything I can to stop overthinking!
     
  13. iUsedToHaveAnAccountHere

    iUsedToHaveAnAccountHere Fapstronaut

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    So guys, I have been thinking alot about this, obviously.

    I keep viewing myself as someone who has done something horrible, someone who has lost his right to be happy and live a meaningful life.
    I ask myself all the time if I am comparable with rapists and such, pedophiles, straight up offenders.

    Me and my girlfriend talks alot about this, as she knows just how I feel.
    She keeps telling me that its all okay, that I am not bad in any way, and that she is so proud of me for breaking the ice and telling her about the problems I had.


    I know that she isnt hurt and that she really doesnt give a damn about what I did, as I never had her body and face combined, and because she also has taken a few ”creepshots” when she was younger, of random guys in the street she thought were good looking.

    This does not justify my actions, but it makes it easier for me to understand why she isnt bothered.



    I have to realize that i was NOT as bad as rapists and pedophiles, no matter what my OCDish brain tries to tell me.
    I need to drop my god damn ”what ifs”, as the reality IS different than my catastrophic thoughts.



    Im lucky, and I know I am never doing those immature things again.




    I would really like to let all of you know that I, from the bottom of my heart, REALLY appreciate all the kindness you provide, I really could use some help regarding how to cope with my shame and guilt, and this is the right place.

    The most important thing has always been to make sure that she isnt hurt, and I have to believe it when she tells me that she IS very much okay and that this is not a big deal to her.
    I have to let myself care for myself and my well-being again, but its so hard to ”let go” after worrying and dwelling for almost a year straight.

    And about the comparing with rapists and those monsters, I dont know why I do that, they are a completely different species than I am, but I keep telling myself like ”What if she would have been really hurt by my actions?”
    But then again, like everyone tells me; it still wouldnt be comparable with rape.




    I have had lots of feedback from lots of people, including real rape victims, almost everyone says the same; learn and move on. No biggie.

    Except for like 4 people on a feminist group on reddit who made up a story about how I abused her, how she wasnt okay even though she told me she is, and that I belong in prison and even hell.. That hit me hard as fuck, and my GF assured me that they were out of their minds.








    This was one hell of a rant, sorry for that.

    Wish you all an amazing day, feel free to hit me up or reply :)
     
  14. The Valiant

    The Valiant Fapstronaut

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    Keep in mind that there was a feminist who claimed that air conditioning your office is sexist. There was also a feminist who sued a man who saved her from drowning for "rape". Your GF is 100% right when she says they are out of their minds.
     
  15. To the OP, I can relate in many ways. Im married to a bbw woman. I also love and preffer chubby/bbw women. Anyways my pmo got to the point where i was skyping with other men and would we jerk off and talk about porn/women/guys/ share pics, etc. Im not gay but my porn problem led me to enjoying jerking ofc on cam with other guys. Eventually guys i was camming with would ask me to share pics of my wife, and for a long time I wouldnt. But eventually i started taking creep shots of her and would crop out her face and share them with other guys that would rate her, jerk off to her, etc. I finally realized the dangerous direction i was heading and i never want to hurt her so i deleted all the pics. Also deleted skype with was very very difficult.
    Im proud of you for tour progress amd im glad your women is so inderstanding and suportive. Best of luck to you
     
  16. iUsedToHaveAnAccountHere

    iUsedToHaveAnAccountHere Fapstronaut

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    Yea haha youre right, like, I really want equality and make women feel just as powerful as men, worldwide, but I really dont get this ”I hate men” thing.
    Might aswell add; one comment from one of these feminists was exactly like that - ”I hate men”.
    What if I was a female? Would that change the fact that I had done something stupid?
    Dorks.. Thats like, really equal.. Yea..




    Thats pretty much what happend to me aswell, feels damn good knowing I am not alone with this!

    I dont understand how the fuck I could go that far, I really cant.

    How are you feeling as of today?
    Does she know?

    Its a fucked up addiction, but it was pretty easy to quit when I promised her to never do it again!

    Feel free to PM me if you want someone to talk to about this, we have been through pretty much the same shit.
    It must be relieving even for you knowing that youre not the only one!
     
    FX-05 likes this.
  17. I feel great as of now. I had gone clean for about a month then slipped back into porn after lying to myself that looking at pics of women in bikinis was a good compromise but that eventually led back into a 2 week full blown pmo binge. As of now im 3 weeks clean and feel pretty confident. Changed my daily routine to keep myself busy. I know i can keep at it but the urges still pull at me daily to want to pmo. But i actually like pmo if i could do it in a controlable moderation but i know i cant. But im in a strong mental state and i think ill be ok to keep going down the good road.
    And yea sounds like we have a lot in common. Feel free to message me anytime
     
  18. iUsedToHaveAnAccountHere

    iUsedToHaveAnAccountHere Fapstronaut

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    Thank you all for the supportive comments!
    Feeling better today, knowing there are others with similar weird things in their past.
    What bugs me the most is the fact that this kind of stuff is a minor crime, and that makes me think of myself as a sex offender.
    I have talked about this with my GF and as she pointed out; she is the one Who decides wether or not she feels violated, noone else should give a damn, and such things.

    Sure she is right, but im sure there are other guys who have done similar things, that have been filed as offenders, so its hard as hell not to put myself equal to "offenders"..
    Its fucking frustrating, i try and I try to tell myself that its all okay, but it feels like im relying on pure luck, and it feels so wrong building a future relying on a near miss, like I could have been in jail or such if it wasnt for her being so supportive and understanding.

    Its a dumb way to think of it yea, but its like I have gotten stuck right there.




    Hope you all are having a wonderful day!
    :)
     
  19. iUsedToHaveAnAccountHere

    iUsedToHaveAnAccountHere Fapstronaut

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    Hey again, I have had alot of help and support from people in private messages, and I really am thankful for owning up and starting this thread.

    The last days I have felt a little bit better than the last 10 months, as I really have realised that these kind of immature perverted actions are not even comparable with rape/pedos/worse things.

    Im not trying to justify myself comparing with worse, but for almost a year I have had intrusive thoughts telling me that taking sneaky pictures of your girlfriend, cropping face out, using her pics to get attention and then removing it all after a while, would be equal to rape, or even to pedophilia - Wich I know it isnt.


    I should be able to feel the hate towards pedophiles and rapists again just like I used to, without having to feel shame for being ”almost like them”.





    I still talk with my GF about what happend, almost every day I tell her that I am sorry and she tells me that its all okay and that she doesnt feel hurt, and that no one else should give a damn about whats ”too far” in our relationship than us.
    She understands that some girls would probably feel violated to some degree, but she is very sure that most of them would be just as forgiving, as long as there are signs of true remorse, and that there is true signs of wanting to improve.

    Im so happy that I was clever enough to never have her face in an explicit picture, and that I actually told her.

    I dont know why, but the hardest part is to think about how things could have been different, her feeling violated or such.
    What ifs, those damn what ifs;
    Like when I think like ”Well I was only 22, young and dumb”
    My brain tries to fight that thought by saying ”Oh, so raping a child when you are 18 would be okay aswell then?” And stuff like that.
    However, I now have started to realize that this shouldnt even be compared to the other.



    Anyway I restarted no PMO this week, as I want to stop MO aswell for a while just to try and speed up my recovery, and maybe the shame from the past will fade away.

    No urges at all to do the stupid things again (last urge was in like early March, quit in Jan/Feb) minor urges to go back to P (but I wont) so I think and hope this is going to get well :)
     
    Last edited: Oct 10, 2019
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  20. Get_It

    Get_It Fapstronaut

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    What about getting another chubby girl?
     

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