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Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by iUsedToHaveAnAccountHere, Oct 5, 2019.
Thank you man!
I really appreciate the support you have given me!
It is my pleasure. Men with our aparently not so peculiar taste should stick together, considering the amount of idiots who like to shame women for how they look.
Damn, tonight I feel like shit for real. I have no urges, but I cant stop thinking of myself as an "offender", right now the fact that my actions never harmed or hurt, and that I have been forgiven, doesnt matter.
I keep worrying and thinking that I am "comparable" with rapists, with serious disgusting dangerous offenders, the most horrible people you could think of.
Sure, non-consent photo sharing and creepshots are really disrespectful, but why on earth do I keep comparing it with rape or even god damn pedophiles?!
It all literally feels like shit tonight, I feel like a worthless scumbag for being so disrespectful and I just want to send a message to my GF and apologize once more, and tell her how sorry I am and that she deserves someone better, but its just straight up stupid as she doesnt even think this was a big thing!
God damn, why in the everliving hell cant I just let this shit stay in the past! Its not even a big deal to her, so why cant I??
Sorry, if my words seem harsh but it's meant to help.
What you currently feel is a serious dissonance between your self-image and your actions or what you associate with your actions. You think, you are no offender or rapist but you kind of think that your actions are actions of such a person. This is really scary and danger for you and your self image. That is, why you feel like shit now. You are afraid, that you are someone you don't like and you don't want to be.
You are right, in that regard, it does not matter that she don't feels harmed and that she forgives you. This is kind of between you and ... you.
As for this thread, you are not a rapist. You are not a pedophile and as for this thread, you are no disgusting dangerous offender or a horrible person. Take a breath and calm down.
So what happend? You offended her and unconsensual creepshots are not ok. You know this, since you feel like shit. This you have to accept and take into your self-concept. You did this, and in that regard, it does not matter, how much harm it did our you think it did. So, this makes you to someone, who made a mistake and offended. And you where lucky, that there were no legal consequences.
You can't let this shit stay in the past because you have to deal with it and with the fact, that you did some offending actions in you life.
The good part is, if you get this. The dissonance in your self image goes away and so does the fear an panic.
You don't like what you did and this is important. This is also part of you. You seem to be a person, who does not like offending. So it seems, that you are not a monster or inevitably an offender. You have to deal with the things, that led to the actions in the past. Forgive yourself and take responsibility. You have the choice in the future.
I would say, stop it. I think, what you are doing, when you apologize again, is to force your GF to cheer you up. She was offended, and she has to cheer you up again and again, so that you can minimize the offense and stop being worried, that you are a bad person.
You are in trouble. Ask her for help. She seems to love you.If you are worried, that she got hurt. Ask her and be there for her. I think, it would be more honest.
Thank you, thank you so much for your honest, realistic and down to earth reply!
Yea, my self image has taken a huge beating by this, I would be more worried if it had not, to be honest.
Feeling bad for doing something bad is a sign of not "being" bad I guess.
I can live with being an "ex-offender", I am alright with that.
Just like crossing the speed limit and getting caught, that is an offense aswell.
Offending and raping, is two different things and I have to learn that.
Doing something, that someone else has done, doesnt make me someone else.
Like, if a murderer eats an apple AND kills someone, eating an apple won't make me a murderer.
I get how you mean, and I think I understand what youre saying.
I compare myself to those bastards because SOME of their actions could be similar to mine, and much worse.
I hate what I did, and I will never fall back there.
I have to accept it;
Years of "hidden" (brain drowned in porn) sadness from having two severly ill parents and financial problems had me hunting for dopamine, and when normal P wasnt enough, I took my weak part (the fetish I was hiding) and let it free, for a period of time on the internet, using my GF as an "object".
I am glad I realised it myself, that I was doing something not so good.
Yea, about the "cheering ups".
I really hate bringing it up to her, because it feels so wrong. It helps me but it's nothing I should demand of her.
I shouldnt mention it, because she doesnt think its a big deal, so I shouldnt let it bother her.
I need to show her even more love, and really show her that I can take care of this!
She isnt supposed to cheer me through this, she has done more than enough just by understanding me and forgiving me!
I have made sure a hundred times that she isnt hurt, so I shouldnt need to keep asking her. It gets frustrating for her that I just cant let it go.
A good thing to do, would probably be to try and think of the positive things.
Like, I was messed up by the P, but I still always made sure not to use the pictures in any way that could harm her, lead back to her or hurt her.
No one could ever prove that her body belonged to her face, and vice versa - very important to me.
I wouldnt ever intentionally hurt her, in any way whatsoever.
I am lucky that she understands that I have been through a lot, and that being the reason I started to use P to cope with it, and that it all escalated and added up, leading to this.
She is proud of me, and she loves me. I am proud of her, and I love her.
I am angry at myself for letting myself get too far, but I am also proud of myself for actually managing to quit, without any help. I did it, all by myself.
I need to remember that.
EDIT: I am also very lucky that she does not feel offended, thats very important to me.
She is serious about this not being a big deal to her, and I consider myself very lucky and blessed.
So I relapsed, not to my behaviour but to ”P”.
I feel that I still have made lots of progress so I’ll just get back up.
Making the days count.
Anyway! I have felt better the last few days, as me and my GF have been talking alot about the weird stuff I was into.
She has said since the beginning that its not weird at all that I did those things, as I clearly did it to cope with my own supressed emotions.
When I was 17 something horrible happend in my family, and lots of other stuff that no one I know has had to go through at such a young age. Traumas can fuck you up even years after they occur.
I have realised that I havent ever let myself feel sad about what happened. As I always was making myself feel good with P.
I feel much more understanding now, seeing all the signs of having gone through ”trauma” and realising that the weird shit I did was a coping mechanism.
I actually feel like I have finally found the answers to why I did the things I did.
Thats exactly what my GF told me months ago, but I didnt take it seriously.
I didnt really let myself believe that I have been feeling like shit deep inside
Nice to read, that things are moving for you.
Yea, I felt really relieved when I heard that ”non-processed” sadness/(grief?) from traumas etc can can cause you to ”flee” from your emotions to stay happy, by using drugs, alcohol, sex or such in a compulsive way.
This was my way, and I am so happy that I never hurt her feelings, and that I made myself stop in time, before it would have escalated further.
There is nothing better than stopping before screwing things up.
Thats so right.
Things could have been much worse.
Im so glad I didnt include her face in the creepshots or the explicit ones.
So im starting to get a streak going again, I believe I am on day 5-6 or 7, i dont wanna check because that will put the focus in ”counting the days”.
However, been feeling pretty okay lately, I have talked alot with my GF, about the issue I had.
She said, that even if someone does the same things, but also includes face, and with the intention to hurt, it still doesnt compare at all with rape or such horrible things.
I suppose I have been over-thinking way too much, I mean, we were/are both young, we all (mostly) do stupid shit being young.
I was 22-23 and had gone through years of anxiety and stress regarding my parents sickness and the situation itself, of course I had to do something fucked up to escape it all for short moments.
I feel better now, knowing that it was never what I really was into, it was my brain being fucked up by the ”trauma”.
Bot trying to blame anything, but it sure is an explanation and thats enough to help me forgive myself!
Im gonna go for a real streak this time, I will ger back once I reach a month.
Feeling alot better nowadays, i no longer view myself as someone comparable with rapists and such, and I really have started to understand that my immature behaviour really wasnt a bit deal to my GF.
I have also started to try and work with the issues in life that brought me there in the first place, - stress and escapism mostly.