Sharing my life as an addict..

For Fapstronauts who are disciples of Christ

  1. MexFighter

    MexFighter Fapstronaut

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    Hi, I'm a mexican christian woman and I've been addicted to PMO since I was 11.
    I want to share this post because it's important to make visible the addiction in christian women and the low attention given to it.
    My first encounter with pornography was with cartoon pornography, over the years I climbed to erotic movies on internet, sexting in chat rooms and softporn gifs... all accompanied by masturbation.
    All those years, from 13 to 16 I didn't tell to nobody. Those were my darkest and destructive years... Then one day I just hit bottom and for the first time ever I talked to someone. That talk pulled me through. So at 17 yo I started my recovery journey.
    This story could be just one more of this site but the difference is that I am a woman. People think that women don't deal with sexual stimuli and less so in the church! Actually we think that women have to be pure,holy, chaste and that anyone addicted to pornography is either easy, promiscuous or just looking for sex. Wrong!.
    Women are affected by sexual stimuil and go aroused as same way as man.
    For PMO addicted woman the addiction can be as strong or stronger than in man.
    So yeah, I think this is the problem of minimizing addiction in women: we think they just don't deal with sex issues (or adictions) . The fear of being judged, humiliated or excluded still holds many women hiding their addiction and afraid to confess it and start their recovery process. In my case it took me 5 years to be able to talk about it with someone without feeling judged. It also took me years to understand God's grace and His unconditional love. In my darkest moment, His light found me.
    The truth is: now I am free to talk about my addiction but I'm not free from the addiction itself.. yet.
    Over the years I have learned that more than just begging, praying, wishing for change you have to DO, work for it.
    It is a conscious decision that is made every day. And here I am, fighting it every day.
    I hope that more women can come out into the Light and begin a path of recovery where they find support, love, sincerity and empathy.


    I know that I still have a long way to go. But there is one thing I do: I forget what is in the past and try as hard as I can to reach the goal before me.
    Phil 3:3




     
    Last edited: Oct 16, 2020
  2. Thanks for sharing and welcome to our group.
     
  3. !mkj!

    !mkj! Fapstronaut

    There is a group for women in recovery here. You might like that. Of course you are welcome on this forum too. We'll be praying for you.
    God bless
     
    MexFighter and Akeakua like this.
  4. MexFighter

    MexFighter Fapstronaut

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    Thank you!!
    Sorry I forgot to reply!
     
  5. MexFighter

    MexFighter Fapstronaut

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    Thank you
    Im okay with sharing my story with everyone!
    Thanks for your prayers!
     
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  6. MexFighter

    MexFighter Fapstronaut

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    Thanks!
     
  7. MexFighter

    MexFighter Fapstronaut

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    Hi guys!
    As you can see... my counter is on day 0. After 21 days clean and having joined this community.
    Last night, after several days of urges of sexting, I did it. It was so easy to remove my blocker.. Terrible and disappointing.
    If you have read my story you know that I don't deal with pornography but with sexting. So in my case it's SMO. The truth is that I didn't even finish, I was just looking for those first seconds of adrenaline, followed by high of dopamine and as soon as I had that, I closed my browser. How awful the way your common sense is dulled and you get carried away by the emotion, the impulse.
    Then an hour ago I said: well, I could keep in the binge for 2 days more.. maybe..(God, what sad reasoning). Like: since I ruined it, I'm going to ruin it well. But, I stopped, I log here to update my counter and found this paragraph on the home page:
    A common theme I see in a lot of posts here is the tendency to, after a relapse, go on a binge for the next couple of days. The mentality that if you’ve already failed you might as well take advantage of it to the fullest. In doing this I think what a lot of us fail to realize is that, even though we’ve relapsed, it doesn’t mean that all our effort during the past days or weeks were in vain. Our brain is very plastic and has a remarkable ability to quickly change itself. Even if you haven’t gone the full 90 days, you’ve still given your brain a lot of time to rewire itself. One relapse does not completely reverse that. I know that some of you out there have some serious issues with PMO addiction and can’t possibly go more than a couple of days without relapsing, but remember that even if you manage to go only 3 or 4 days without it, it’s still a huge improvement over doing it once or several times a day. For every day and every hour you abstain, you’re giving your brain precious time to heal… See it not as a failure but as an opportunity to learn and challenge yourself further. See it as a chance to come back stronger and wiser than before. Remember, we all fail. It’s our ability to pick ourselves up and continue going that in the end determines our success.

    Then I said: It's true, at this moment my lie tells me that it would be cool to keep on binge and then go back to the track.. it also tells me that I failed and that my effort was in vain. So I decided TO NOT believe that lie and start over.
    I know what led me to this relapse:
    I haven't exercised in two weeks. I'm used to do 50 minutes of cardio at the gym. 4 days a week. And even though I've been doing cardio routines at home, it's not the same. So the last two weeks I lost my motivation. By not exercising I neglected my nutrition and got into the junk food binges.. that lack of feeling good about myself led me to seek to feel "good" by using SMO.

    I am frustrated, I am sad. Tears are suddenly shed. But I am not defeated.
    Let's fight this battle!
     
    Last edited: Oct 22, 2020
  8. renew_life_j

    renew_life_j Fapstronaut

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    Keep fighting Mex fighter... praying for you..you can do it
     
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  9. That’s good that you did not binge and that you identified what happened.
     
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  10. MexFighter

    MexFighter Fapstronaut

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    Thank you!!!:emoji_clap::emoji_clap::emoji_clap:
     
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  11. MexFighter

    MexFighter Fapstronaut

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    Ugh I tried so hard.. Now today is a new day and we need to keep fighting!
     
    !mkj! likes this.
  12. lightshine1997

    lightshine1997 Fapstronaut

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    Very encouraging paragraph. And great step to reject the lie and going on a binge. That in itself is a testimony of advance. You are not going to give yourself over (completely) to that thing anymore. We fall and rise and keep on walking with a stronger intent then before.
     
  13. MexFighter

    MexFighter Fapstronaut

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    Thank you!!!!
     
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  14. MexFighter

    MexFighter Fapstronaut

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    Last edited: Nov 17, 2020
  15. Michael_corleone

    Michael_corleone New Fapstronaut

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    [QUOTE = "MexFighter, publicación: 2758809, miembro: 416672"]
    Hola, soy una mujer cristiana mexicana y soy adicta a la PMO desde los 11 años.
    Quiero compartir este post porque es importante hacer visible la adicción en las mujeres cristianas y la poca atención que se le presta.
    Mi primer encuentro con la pornografía fue con la pornografía de dibujos animados, con los años subí a películas eróticas en internet, sexting en salas de chat y gifs de softporn ... todo acompañado de masturbación.
    Todos esos años, de 13 a 16 no le dije a nadie. Esos fueron mis años más oscuros y destructivos ... Entonces, un día, toqué fondo y por primera vez hablé con alguien. Esa charla me ayudó a salir adelante. Así que a los 17 años comencé mi viaje de recuperación.
    Esta historia podría ser solo una más de este sitio, pero la diferencia es que soy mujer. ¡La gente piensa que las mujeres no lidian con los estímulos sexuales y menos en la iglesia! En realidad pensamos que las mujeres tienen que ser puras, santas, castas y que cualquier adicto a la pornografía es fácil, promiscuo o simplemente busca sexo. ¡Incorrecto!.
    Las mujeres se ven afectadas por los estímulos sexuales y se excitan de la misma manera que el hombre.
    Para la mujer adicta a la PMO, la adicción puede ser tan fuerte o más fuerte que en el hombre.
    Así que sí, creo que este es el problema de minimizar la adicción en las mujeres: creemos que simplemente no se ocupan de los problemas sexuales (o adicciones). El miedo a ser juzgadas, humilladas o excluidas aún retiene a muchas mujeres que esconden su adicción y temen confesarla e iniciar su proceso de recuperación. En mi caso me tomó 5 años poder hablar de ello con alguien sin sentirme juzgado. También me tomó años comprender la gracia de Dios y Su amor incondicional. En mi momento más oscuro, Su luz me encontró.
    La verdad es que ahora soy libre de hablar de mi adicción, pero estoy no libre de la adicción en sí .. todavía.
    A lo largo de los años he aprendido que más que mendigar, orar, desear un cambio, tienes que HACER, trabajar para lograrlo.
    Es una decisión consciente que se toma todos los días. Y aquí estoy, luchando todos los días.
    Espero que más mujeres puedan salir a la Luz y comenzar un camino de recuperación donde encuentren apoyo, amor, sinceridad y empatía.


    Sé que todavía me queda un largo camino por recorrer. Pero hay una cosa que hago: olvido lo que está en el pasado y me esfuerzo lo más que puedo para alcanzar la meta que tengo ante mí.
    Filipenses 3: 3




    [/CITAR]
     
  16. Michael_corleone

    Michael_corleone New Fapstronaut

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    Tienes toda la razon, yo tambien soy mexicano y cristiano, pero lamentablemente llevo 15 años con esta maldita adiccion y ya no se que hacer, me acabo de unir al notfap y de verdad que ya no aguanto, es horrible esto y mas sabiendo que es pecado y que estas pecando contra tu propio cuerpo
     
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  17. MexFighter

    MexFighter Fapstronaut

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    Today is not a good day.. I feel unhappy and I can't stop crying. I really feel so sad..
    A few days ago at work we were assigned projects and most of my colleagues were assigned bigger projects than me... that left me hurt, frustrated and angry and this week, since that day, I've had a very big feeling of failure...Like, I'm not enough.. The truth is that I love my work but I am very comfortable there.. I work a few hours a month and get paid well but I don't have a stable economic life. I've not been able to become independent because those incomes, although good, are not enough... I mean, I feel.. ,no, I'm sure that I've fallen into a life of comfort. I haven't looked for more jobs, I haven't trained. I mean, I'm kind of waiting for things to easily come. And that reality today blew up in my face and put me in such a bad mood.. Spiritually, I know that I am a child of God, but right now it's hard for me to see what He has for me in the future. Also physically I am achieving my goals and working on my objectives.. So it's not like everything is lost. I'm still committed to my goal of 365 days sober...and I feel strong even though the urges are still there and it's a daaaaaily struggle.
    I don't know, I don't know.. I just can't feel full today and I just want to lay and cry in bed until I sleep..
     
  18. The lows can feel a lot lower when the brain is not swimming in a sea of dopamine triggered by PMO use. The important thing is not to go back into that, no matter what.

    We are meant to work six days a week. If you are only working a few hours a month, you may also feel depressed simply through not having a big purpose in your life. Work can serve wonderfully in this capacity. It gives us a reason to get out of bed in the morning and get moving. Do you have opportunities for additional or different work?
     
  19. MexFighter

    MexFighter Fapstronaut

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    Thank you @Tao Jones !! You are absly right! I'll be working on this work/job resolutions!
     
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