Sharing my story of fighting with compulsive sex addiction

I am Jeff , 30+ year old male. Today it is my first time registered on NoFap and also mark as my official announcement of challenge on my sex addiction problem.

It all started 6 years ago, when I just switched to IT job and moved to a big city by myself...

I was renting a small room along with 5 other guys in a old house, it is so old that everytime I can hear the wood cracking noise when I was walking in the kitchen room.
Honestly, I didn't like that job I got and I fairly hated my boss who likes to bully the people reports to him everyday, and I was always in a bad mood after work, but at that time I don't have the courage to quit the job, I need the money at least. I got no friends and I was very lonely. I literally had no other way to cope with my stress and suffering, plus I have been on the edge of sex drive for some time, I went to a local brothel house. That was my first sex experience with a woman, she was constantly talking about her miserable childhood story while we having sex, she told me that she was abused when she was very young .... I was so shameful of myself I didn't even finish the job and just left there....

On my way back to my place, I thought that, so my life was over right there ... I had dirtied my own body after that day, there are no women would even want to be near me, I am not gonna be marrying with anyone no more... I wanted to hurt myself with a knife but I am just too coward to do it...

Then I visited 2nd and 3rd time to different brothel, I was basically making these excuses to myself that since I already went to such a low level and my body was dirtied, it wouldn't matter if I do it again. Was it fun ? I recall it is only enjoyable and fun few time when I met prostitutes who doesn't rush the time, since it is their job they always harshly demanded for money upfront as expected, I felt dumb during the sex and even more shameful of myself time after time.

My first attempt of quit was when I met with her -- my first girlfriend ( not a sex worker ) about 3 years ago, she knows that I used prostitution, still she tried to help me with my self-esteem issue, I thought that finally I got my savior in my life and we lived happily together..... for a couple of months, then she dumped me over some stupid thing.... there I relapsed all over again, and visiting brothel almost every weekend. If you ever wonder, yes I am afraid of STD and HIV infection. And I screen myself for STD every other week, have been able to stay clean all the time.

This year I had my second broke up with my 2nd girlfriend, this hurts me the most because she found out my sex addiction problem when we were living together, and she is a really nice girl who is kind and willing to take care of people. I was in sorrow for 2 months, couldn't do anything but missing her.

This is where I decided that this need to end now myself. I went online to search for sex addict therapy, and I found George Collins and his website - Compulsion Solution, I didn't give much hope on this honestly at first, but I thought I might just give a try...so I called him using the number on his website, I remember that it is a Saturday afternoon, surprisingly he picked up the phone only after the first ring, I told him about my story, and he understood what I am going through because he went through this himself, and immediately told me to read his book, just read the first chapter see how I felt after that. Now this is the turning point right there, I read the first chapter, honest every word written there speaks to my heart, I felt hope for the first time in the past 6 years of wondering in my own misery and shame.

So far I have been reading through chapters of "Breaking the cycle", I am on Chapter 5 now, and I am feeling more sane and calm, I am not that child who is constantly trying to act out by compulsion any more

As I am typing this story, I am now almost 1 month clean, I swear I will keep this going and I won't give up !

If you are also facing the same problem like I am, trust me: if I can fight it, you can also fight it, we can do it together !

 

Today -- 10.2.22
Every time going into the office is a super productive day , and I enjoy the feeling to be around people. I am definitely more confident and feeling good about myself, the good positive energy is gradually building up in me.
I met with a girl today on campus, she is very sweet we had lunch together and had very good convos : )
This is the first time that when i met girl, I am not objectifying her as way to have sex, but connection with a person just like everyone else. Every feelings I have today is positive and I know I am on the right track.
This is not the end, I am keep going !

 

10.2.22 - "Breaking the cycle" night Reading Note:
Quoting from the original book written by George Collins "Your real addiction is to your mind. if your mind doesn't change, it will operate in the same way, day after day, providing you with life sentence of sexually compulsive behavior". I want to especially share this paragraph with you because this explains the nature of sex addiction

 

10.6.22
I had a strong compulsion tonight. The cause started with I want to go visit the nightclub at downtown, but it got closed. I felt lonely at that very moment when I was walking on the street back to my car, I had strong urge trying to visit some strip club.

I almost lose control of myself, I hopped back into my car and stopped at red light while waiting the train to pass. What stopped me from going:
These were my thought process: I thought about my ex-girlfriend at that very moment, when she was with me and we happily walked down the same street that I was walking, that is what love feeling about. Women in Strip club might kiss you , might hug you or whatever she does is for money, if you don't pay her, she will treat you like shxt ! she doesn't love you !
Do I want to have someone pretend to like me ? No , I don't !
I am a man, man take control his feeling and man doesn't act out of emotion.

 

Thank you bro, we never met, but your message means a thousand word to me right now, I hope you understand the meaning of this !

 

Yes, it is the truth ! Now I look back and realized how stupid and ignorant I was in those times, why would I reduce my self into such a low level and suffer from financial loss and even risk my own precious health like that !

 

10.9.22.
I am taking a moment to reflect on the past week, there were definitely compulsions coming back and the dark side of / the prostitute personality is trying to defeat me , it made me fought really hard and made me struggle. But guess what ?? I won both fight this week ! Yes, I suffered and it hurts, but here i am I am still standing strong, I am not surrendering , no, ain't no way, I still got a lot of fight here. This moment is for me, This round of applause is dedicated to me only -- for reborn of a man with strong will !

 

Hi Joe, thanks for sharing your experience as well I appreciate it ! I am still at my early stage of quitting my sex addiction, mind me asking if you would like to share me some techniques that you find very helpful in your situation ?
So far the things that I have tried :
1. keeping journals every day which is what I am doing here on NoFap
2. writing down all my compulsive thoughts whenever I can and add details about what I thought at that moment
3. read books

 

Hi roadtorecovery99,
Thanks for sharing your story with me, I really appreciate it. and I feel grateful that we can connect with each other via nofap community, we can support each other on our healing path.
To be honest, I haven't had any transextual fantacies in particular, so I am not qualified to give advice / or opinion regarding your obsession.
What I want to say:
Everyone has fantasy during our lifespan, and we should have ! we are one of the few intelligent creature on this earth, we think, we imagine about things that don't exist, and we create. We can create because the very ability of imagination. Sextual desire and thoughts are very normal, these are signs that the hormones and chemical in our body are working for their cause, it is natural.
This is not to say that we should act out everything we have sextual desire, what we gotta to learn is make our obsession manageable, so that it doesn't hurt ourselves.
Hereby, I want to cheer for you because you and I both realized that our obsessions can make us feel bad, it can hurt us, this is a great step ! It took me 6 years ! And I believe a lot of people who are sextually addicted, they never realized this !
In terms of feeling the trigger, I totally understand what you were feeling there, the urge to act out, thought about just try to get someone / use of p to let it go.. I have been there, know this : you will feel the triggers on your recovery path, and the triggers will be strong, but you are stronger than it because you can control it. The trick that I have been practicing is think the trigger as a sub-personality which live inside of you, it hides somewhere dark can don't reveal itself most of the time, but when you start to feel the urge, it wispers to you and tries to shake your will and make it you give up. I want you to practice this: imagine your stand in a large theater and speak to your audience, and somewhere your sub-personality shout out from the crowd : " hey, time to go see a hooker ! " Now talk back to it, ask it to reveal itself " who is there speaking, show yourself I want to see you " , the point here is this practice train you to separate the obsession part ( sub-personality ) from the real you, you need to realize that you are not your obsession, you are much bigger than it. I will stop my writing here because of the time I have, but let's support each other on our road to the freedom, we will get there !

 

10.13.22
I relapsed tonight . I fxcking hated it !!!!
I am sorry everyone on NoFap, I disappointed you and myself. I am so shameful now. I got a good start and I blew it right at the mark of 1 month clean.... I am going to seek help from professional therapy

 

I did the self talking method, for the previous two times when I had compulsion, except today. The last time when I had compulsion., I talked to myself, this is not me, this is not my ex girlfriend would want to see me doing, she told me to live a good life and take good care of me, visiting stripper is not a good life or taking care of myself.
Tonight I totally lost to my sub personality there, I hesitated in the parking lot for 5 mins before heading to that shitty place.

 

I am resetting the clock now, this time is going to be last longer !!!