Second therapy session
The session started with me talking about an abuse relationship I experienced in the past. I thought it was important to talk about since my shivering started after I after she cheated on me, and I started to watch degrading porn after that. I have always thought about it as “visiting” the trauma over and over again. Interestingly the psychologist did not necessarily agree that the trauma is the root of my machoistic tendencies. He did not really offer an alternative explanation either. Just mentioned that I might have high standards for myself, and that I might need someone to acknowledge the “fool” inside that I never show others. Personally though, I feel like my machoistic desires are one of the reasons why I keep relapsing, the reason being that my gf or any other girl I’ve been with have been able to satisfy my need for humiliation. I therefore turn to porn in order to satisfy this part of me. It is hard to say if whether or not my machoism is a real part of my sexuality, or if it is porn induced. I get the sense that I’ve always had an inclination towards it, but that an abuse relationship combined with porn aggravated it. The solution seems to me that I either have to get rid of my machoism through therapy or find a girl that can satisfy that part of me. Both ways are difficult. I didn’t really get to explain this as he doesn’t really let me talk that much. He wanted to take the conversation in different directions. I have mixed feelings about that.
The psychologist believes that what I experienced when my previous girl cheated on me was a form of existential anxiety. I suffered identity loss. He also believes that the reason I keep relapsing is that I am lonely. In fact, he believes that I am incredibly lonely. It is weird, since I have friends, family and a gf who care about me. However, none of them is aware of my porn addiction, and this is why I am lonely. He believes that I have a whole secret universe within myself that I am deeply ashamed of and that the loneliness that comes with such secrets is taking a toll on my mental health. I argued a with him saying that I actually “share” my porn addiction with friends. He replied:
“you talk about it; you don’t share your true feelings about it. You don’t share with them the shivering you are experiencing right now. You talk about coronavirus like it is chocolate, and you are very convincing” ¨
He says I don’t share my true feelings with anyone and that I am in fact scared of doing so. This is why I am lonely deep inside, and that I’ve been so for a very long time. And this loneliness is probably an important reason for why I keep relapsing. When I reflect about this, he is absolutely right. I know for a fact that I used pornography as a teenager in order to escape loneliness. I had many friends, but back then I was also excluded a lot by them, and a bit bullied. I think the reason being that I was always a controversial kid. Meaning that I was never afraid to speak my mind or challenge group think within my circle of friends. Ive had a few friends saying sorry about their behaviour years later, stating that they viewed me as a challenge. I’ve gotten many enemies this way. I have come to this understanding in my later years, but I have been confused as to why some people tend to react negatively towards me for a long time. I guess pornography was an escape from the difficult reality I could not comprehend or deal with.
We also explored my relationship with my father. And he made me become aware of the fact that even though I have always been secure in my father’s love, we have never really talked about feelings. I don’t really know what this mean, other than that it has contributed to my difficulty in communicating emotions on a real level with others. thus, leading to loneliness. Something like that…
Furthermore, he asked me what it is like if I try to abstain from porn. I replied anxiety and emptiness. He categorised this as a form of existential anxiety and that it is always there, but I supress it with porn. I have mixed feelings about this statement. On some level, I can see the truth of it considering that I really feel empty inside when I go without porn. But I also know that the psychoanalytic view isn’t the only perspective. I don’t really feel nihilistic nor do I have obsessive thoughts about the meaning of life etc. I guess I have a more biological view, where my emptiness is my brain getting depressed form the lack of dopamine, and therefore drops dopamine even lower (flatline).
Ive had 1 therapy session so far, and Ill have the second one tomorrow
