Sharing personal diary while through psychotherapy

Hey guys I have decided to share my personal diary as I am currently going through psychotherapy, in hope that some of you will find it beneficial, and that I will gain extra motivation from this. I´ve had one session so far and its been interesting to say the least. My goal with therapy is to quit porn and heal PIED.

The posts will be somewhat half baked. sorry for typos.

A bit of backround information:

Started porn at age 8. Been suffering PIED my whole life. Been trying to quit for 6 years. The longest Ive gone is 150 days. I believe i have developed Porn induced fetishes, mainly femdom and cuckolding. I currently have a qute gf Ive had 1 therapy session so far, and Ill have the second one tomorrow

 

first therapy session:

I have started therapy again. This time with a man who specializes in psychodynamic therapy. It was a completely different experience than any other psychologist I have been to. He was actually a bit "quarrelsome" to talk to, and I never got to tell him about the porn addiction theories, as I thought it would go. He dismissed this as intellectualization and he wanted to make it quite simple. "your erection works better without porn, and you have an addiction problem" Then he wanted to get to the bottom of the emotions that underlie pornography use. At this point, I began to shiver, Like i was freezing. This is not new to me, as I get this shivers from time to time. Usually when Im doing deep breathing exercises, or I talk to people about my feeling.

Furthermore, he also said that I was ashamed of the pornography use, which I denied. In retrospect, it is perhaps a little strange that i denied it because it is quite clear from previous diary that i feel shame. I assume that it is the case that on an intellectual level I do not see any shame in it, but that on a more primitive level I still do, and that it is therefore difficult for me to be aware of the shame. Something like that…

He also pointed out that I have "desperate eyes" and that he does not think I am doing well at the moment. I was simply put off by this a bit. He's right in a way, I'm probably not feeling great at the moment, but I do not think I suffer as much as he thinks. I probably had desperate eyes, but one was because I was shaking, and what we were talking about was unpleasant. Maybe that's why he came to the conclusion he made. But what if I've been feeling so bad for so long that I think it's normal? When I think about it, I've been crying a bit lately. I have lately been working on a trauma form a toxic relation with a women in the past.

Why was i Shaking? I dont really know. I know that the shivering started after I experienced emotional abuse about 5 or 6 years ago, but in this situation we were not talking about my trauma. I believed i felt uncofortable becuase I felt that it was impossible to hide anything form him. I was also afraid that he might ask what type of porn i watched. Funny how i denied feeling any shame haha. He explained to me that the shivering I have is the same type of shaking animals experience after surviving a predator. it is the bodys nutral way of releasing the "freeze" respons that is stuck in the nervous system. I do believe him and Ive read about the phenomenon before. I am just skeptical of the fact that shaking in itself helps, as ive read that it is different opinions amongst experts.

anyways, looking forward to the next session tomorrow. I will have weekly sessions from now on. Tommorow I want to talk about my experience with emotional abuse, and how I started to watch degrading porn after that.

 

good question. I would say to a degree. I hope that more trust will develop over time. I get the sense that he is very good at reading people, and he has made me become awere og things withing my own psyche that i have not previously been conscious of. But at the same time I am a little sceptical of the degree which he believes that I am suffering. I am also unsure whether describing me as having "desperate eyes" and being "a scared little boy" helps me in any way. It is a known fact that psychologist can make some patients worse. In fact, the worst of them, about 15%, actually makes their patients consitently worse!. Anyways, I dont feel like that applies to him, and that hes overall very skilled. Only time will tell i guess

 

Second therapy session


The session started with me talking about an abuse relationship I experienced in the past. I thought it was important to talk about since my shivering started after I after she cheated on me, and I started to watch degrading porn after that. I have always thought about it as “visiting” the trauma over and over again. Interestingly the psychologist did not necessarily agree that the trauma is the root of my machoistic tendencies. He did not really offer an alternative explanation either. Just mentioned that I might have high standards for myself, and that I might need someone to acknowledge the “fool” inside that I never show others. Personally though, I feel like my machoistic desires are one of the reasons why I keep relapsing, the reason being that my gf or any other girl I’ve been with have been able to satisfy my need for humiliation. I therefore turn to porn in order to satisfy this part of me. It is hard to say if whether or not my machoism is a real part of my sexuality, or if it is porn induced. I get the sense that I’ve always had an inclination towards it, but that an abuse relationship combined with porn aggravated it. The solution seems to me that I either have to get rid of my machoism through therapy or find a girl that can satisfy that part of me. Both ways are difficult. I didn’t really get to explain this as he doesn’t really let me talk that much. He wanted to take the conversation in different directions. I have mixed feelings about that.


The psychologist believes that what I experienced when my previous girl cheated on me was a form of existential anxiety. I suffered identity loss. He also believes that the reason I keep relapsing is that I am lonely. In fact, he believes that I am incredibly lonely. It is weird, since I have friends, family and a gf who care about me. However, none of them is aware of my porn addiction, and this is why I am lonely. He believes that I have a whole secret universe within myself that I am deeply ashamed of and that the loneliness that comes with such secrets is taking a toll on my mental health. I argued a with him saying that I actually “share” my porn addiction with friends. He replied:


“you talk about it; you don’t share your true feelings about it. You don’t share with them the shivering you are experiencing right now. You talk about coronavirus like it is chocolate, and you are very convincing” ¨


He says I don’t share my true feelings with anyone and that I am in fact scared of doing so. This is why I am lonely deep inside, and that I’ve been so for a very long time. And this loneliness is probably an important reason for why I keep relapsing. When I reflect about this, he is absolutely right. I know for a fact that I used pornography as a teenager in order to escape loneliness. I had many friends, but back then I was also excluded a lot by them, and a bit bullied. I think the reason being that I was always a controversial kid. Meaning that I was never afraid to speak my mind or challenge group think within my circle of friends. Ive had a few friends saying sorry about their behaviour years later, stating that they viewed me as a challenge. I’ve gotten many enemies this way. I have come to this understanding in my later years, but I have been confused as to why some people tend to react negatively towards me for a long time. I guess pornography was an escape from the difficult reality I could not comprehend or deal with.


We also explored my relationship with my father. And he made me become aware of the fact that even though I have always been secure in my father’s love, we have never really talked about feelings. I don’t really know what this mean, other than that it has contributed to my difficulty in communicating emotions on a real level with others. thus, leading to loneliness. Something like that…


Furthermore, he asked me what it is like if I try to abstain from porn. I replied anxiety and emptiness. He categorised this as a form of existential anxiety and that it is always there, but I supress it with porn. I have mixed feelings about this statement. On some level, I can see the truth of it considering that I really feel empty inside when I go without porn. But I also know that the psychoanalytic view isn’t the only perspective. I don’t really feel nihilistic nor do I have obsessive thoughts about the meaning of life etc. I guess I have a more biological view, where my emptiness is my brain getting depressed form the lack of dopamine, and therefore drops dopamine even lower (flatline).

 

i am glad you did I will continue to post here