She is Going to Find Out Whether You Tell Her Or Not

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by GG2002, Feb 12, 2018.

  1. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

    So why not be the person who tells her? About your addiction, about your past or your ED. I am not certain if the delusional aspects of addiction lead addicts to believe this won’t occur, but it does and it will. Addicts think they have covered their tracks that there is no evidence, but there always is and a betrayed woman does better investigation that the CIA. It may not be now, it may be years from now but your behavior every last dirty secret will be revealed to her. So why not just tell her?
  2. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I'd "love this" if it was a option BTW
  3. Katrina Rose

    Katrina Rose Fapstronaut

    We know everything. Even if we don't say anything. You better believe we're crying about it alone. It's always better to be honest.
  4. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    Amen, seriously them addicts can be... well, either selfish or stupid, or both. I think it's the self preservation. But really, if the addict cares and loves their spouse or partner, just be a god damn good person in the end and tell them, don't traumatize them by lying and gaslighting. Stop the abuse and own up to your shit and be an adult. We always find out, and yes, we do better research and investigations than the CIA, so it's only a matter of time before we find out, so just own up and save us all the effort and trauma. (Sorry this is the one thing that really gets under my skin)
    CowardlyLion, Nugget9, Kenzi and 3 others like this.
  5. NF4L

    NF4L Fapstronaut

    As a PA, I can only say this is too true. Honestly I was so disconnected from myself and my feelings, so much denial and compartmentalizations that I was completely out of touch with myself my emotions and feelings. There was one person who always knew exactly how I felt. Who knew if something was wrong. Who took the time to recognize when I was feeling certain ways or how I would act out when I was bothered. It was my wife! She thought she was just crazy for years, but once the lies, the self preservation, the gaslighting (how could she know) ended, and the truth came out: everything made sense to her. We could begin to share the same reality, we could begin to heal, we could have an honest loving and committed relationship. I could really rely on her for once in my live, and not hold myself back and love her fully whole heartedly, and cherish her as the gift she is.
    Man up, and wake up! Change your routine; change your life! That starts with no more lies.
  6. Joe Campbell

    Joe Campbell New Fapstronaut

    Thank you all for sharing this. It's something I'm wrestling with at the moment as I begin handling this problem and looking forward. Do you have any advice on raising this conversation?
  7. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

    ABSOLUTELY. I’ll say this , I could have , would have , taken it better had he told me truths . Not let me feel crazy , suspicious with no proof . And if DDAY was him disclosing and not me discovering I think even now over a year later OUR healing would have been softer . TELL HER EVERYTHING. Ugh
  8. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

    I think first , put your plan of recovery in motion ON YOUR OWN . Then while you tell her you can say something like I’ve put these plans in motion . Definitely start with making appointments for couples counseling and one on one .
    CowardlyLion, Trappist and moonesque like this.
  9. WantsToBelieve

    WantsToBelieve Fapstronaut

    Thanks for posting this, GG. Been wanting to post a PSA thread about honesty lately myself.
    Kenzi and GG2002 like this.
  10. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

    As someone who discovered it on my own, honestly anyway that he would have told me would have changed things for the better and we may still be together if he had. He could have just blurted it out and I would have been fine. So the fact that you are disclosing yourself is a huge plus for you. I would say so it in private and if you have a hard time expressing yourself then write it down. You can read what you wrote to her or just use it as references. Chances are she already knows something is not right , particularly if you struggle in bed, but she’s just not sure what. Often when an SO is told a light bulb goes on and so many things make more sense.

    The only other thing is for me I would have preferred to be told everything all at once. So having more and more things trickle out over months made the hurt 100 times worse and left me feeling constantly that another shoe was going to drop. This caused me extreme anxiety. Answer her questions no matter how uncomfortable they make you. Lay yourself bare to her and let her know you are not hiding anything else. And do all of this going forward. Don’t be defensive or evasive. Apologize and mean it. If she does not ask any questions ask if she has any and tell her if she has questions later she can come and ask you anytime and you will answer them.

    Expect that she’s going to be angry, hurt or a combination of both. She will likely yell and cry. No way that you can have this conversation is going to prevent that. Let her feel that pain. Don’t get angry, don’t make it about you just comfort her and listen and do that for as long as she needs it. The longer you wait the harder it will be.
    CowardlyLion, Darkligh and moonesque like this.
  11. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

    I would be careful with couples counseling. Some women don't want to go right away or at all. I wouldn't make any plans for her. Make recovery plans for you, and have resources for her so she can make the decision.
    Jagliana, GG2002 and Numb like this.
  12. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    I second what @GG2002 said with a letter. I know that confessing something like this or confessing any secret or addiction will be emotionally difficult for the addict, and so to make sure all your thoughts are collected and you know what you want to convey, having a letter there can be very helpful. I mean, what happens if you start crying and can't finish telling her? Well the letter is right there. What if you start telling her and space out on details of importance, well the letter is right there. It's a great way to make sure the talk covers all points of importance and nothing is forgotten.

    I cannot tell you how awful it is as an SO to go through multiple discoveries or disclosures, the "trickle truth" is one of the most traumatizing ways someone can do that, so yes, I would say sit down for a long talk so you can disclose, and she can respond, and make sure to have sufficient time to talk about this.

    With couples therapy, I say that's a great idea, but discuss it with her first, you can say that you really do want to make things work and take your own recovery seriously and think couples would be helpful.

    I wish you luck in your recovery and disclosure!
    Jennica and GG2002 like this.
  13. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Didn't I have a Letter thread, for help with disclosure?

    Edit. - found it
  14. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

    Meaning if he atleast showed a list of options
    PaleAle76 likes this.
  15. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

    To the addicts that have responded or maybe SOs that are with addicts in recovery I’m wondering does the addict know his thought process with reference to why his dishonesty is justified is delusional? I mean I know it’s an addicted mind but have that really convinced themselves of what they are selling.

    I’ve never been addicted so I’m trying to understand. I read the reasons provided by addicts on here and they are so outrageous and lacking in logic that it’s laughable. I don’t understand how someone can actually believe it?

    When someone says to the addict that the thought process is delusional and even walks them through the logical process of why do they see it? I know that most see it in recovery because of the comments from addicts in recovery but I’m wondering do current addicts have even fleeting moments where they see reality? And if not how does an addict get to the point where they do? Fellow addicts encourage the lunacy with each other on here as well. Can an addict not see the ridiculous behavior of others either? Or are they just seeking to further justify their own behavior so they support each other?
    Jennica likes this.
  16. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

    I know for my SO , his brain hadn’t cleared of the excuses and lies he was telling himself until maybe the 3rd CC session ( 3 month after DDAY) , he had his aha moment and could actually begin recovery work , besides the no PMO . A year later he still can’t wrap his brain of how he could lie to my face for 8 years , and neither can I . Which is worrisome, if he doesn’t know how , how can we both know it will happen again , did I answer anything lol ?
    GG2002 likes this.
  17. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    The explanation my husband gives is that he was lying to himself. Just convincing himself why it was OK because he wanted it. Like I would tell him I wasn't in the mood right then (because he would just start groping me awkwardly out of nowhere, stuff like that that he doesn't do now, it was a turn off) and he would take that as oh she says to go M, so I'll just use P since she doesn't care about having sex with me. It was always everything to the extreme, taken very personal, and it was kind of like the game of telephone, it just grew and changed in his brain. He didn't realize he was lying to himself because he was convinced that was true. Now he looks at it and can't believe the shit he told himself. And me.
  18. In my case, hiding my secret online porn habit was because I was lying to myself ... That lie: that it wasn't hurting my marriage. (even though I knew it was wrong)


    And notice even my choice of words! Thinking about "back then" -- I characterize it as an "online porn habit" ... now, I would more clearly/thruthfully say "online porn addiction".
    Queen_Of_Hearts_13, GG2002 and Kenzi like this.
  19. It strikes me that there are loads of SOs who will never find out. Who either think that their relationship experience is 'normal', or who simply assume the problem is elsewhere.

    I see the message here - "you may as well tell them and fix yourself rather than waiting for her to find out". But in a way there's an implicit pessimism there. Is being caught really the only reason to confess?

    If you are spending your time masturbating to porn, your relationship is suffering. That can be a symptom or a cause or both. So it seems self-evident that you will be happier of you quit
    Fewer secrets, better sex, a closer relationship, not supporting a horrible industry. Are just a few benefits off the top of my head. Are those not the reasons to confess and quit?
    811, Kris456, Jennica and 4 others like this.
  20. Darkligh

    Darkligh Fapstronaut

    Hi All!
    The day after DDay my ex argued that he told me and was honest about his porn habit in very early days of our relationship and he was sure I was okay with it.
    I didn't know what is he talking about as I couldn’t recollect any conversation about his habit. (I use" habit" because he insisted despite ED, DE, Death Grip and using porn for numbing his anxiety, existential pain and insomnia that he is not addicted. We broked in the end of May but I'm still not sure he is /was addicted or not. But I don't want to go deeper about it right now. )
    So definitely he never asked me what I think about him using porn .
    Since we started our relationship I tried help him with insomnia. I supplied him with herbs and other natural product from my local health shop.
    He used this stuff for about 3 months and then gave up saying :Nah, waste of money. It doesn't work for me. Only one thing works is a little bit of alcohol and sex.
    I took it like some kind of joke and automatically thought that he is saying about us having a great time together. Jaysus ! How naive and stupid I was? !
    I was so in love with him and he made me believe I'm the only one.
    I blamed his poor performance on stress, anxiety and lack of sleep. I'm in my 40's .I had a few partners. I can say I'm experienced but it never happened in my previous relationships even in my 10 years long unhappy marriage!
    I agree with GG. We feel that is something wrong but we don't know what until the DDay.
    So the story of me trying to help with his insomnia (sharing my antiaxiety meds with him etc. )repeated a few more times. Every each time he was comeback to me with his :Nah, doesn't work, waste of money. Only one thing is working for me is little bit of alcohol and sex.
    He was claiming that he told me and he was 100 % sure that I'm okay with his porn habit.
    I'm sure he manipulated me.
    What do you think guys?

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