She left with a 19 years old boy

now its almost two years.
yes the tittle says everything, we was married i was lucky to meet her she helped me leave the third world country where i was stuck we got married we lived happily the first months but then her mother gave me a computer as a gift. i was planning to have a youtube channel and start working from home as it was hard for me to learn german. i started again calling girls over skype and having that pleasure hidden and not telling her anything about it. i was passive aggressive whenever there was a problem. even small i left the house i left her alone. i was stuck in my misery and i am stuck now again. sometimes i feel like the only way to feel free from that is to end my life. i live now with my religious parents back in a third world country all my dreams of finding a good job having a family and a lovely wife. desapeared in front of my eyes not able to change it.

i am a virtual sex addict and when i was dating my ex wife over distance she loved the way i was interested in her and to see her. but she was over my screen, and once i was with her in real life i could handle it a few months but i went back to it again. i deserve to live lonely until i die lonely in my grave. i hope god will take me and forgive me for what i have done. but i want to die without pain. because i lived with too much of it.

i discovered NoFap and that there was this epidemic addiction everywhere one year ago i tried often to stop, and i often go again over snap skype find a girl and start again or just go over my browser look for porn, the problem is that my addiction created different sort of problems. i lost all my friend, the only friend that i have left is a guy from france that i never met in real life a gaming friend, where i spend all my days and nights only playing, my parents are nice and brings me food to my room and only think that i have a psychic problems, i became not able to go out and face people, everytime i want to go and buy a pizza once one or three months, i need to find that energy and courage and go out with a hat and glasses so nobody recognize me. i am alone in this third world country my gaming friend want to help me but he is alchool addict and he got tons of psychic problems too and the thing is he is gay, and im not moving with a gay gaming friend that i never saw in real life in a country where i dont even have the right to stay, i am stuck in my life and only wish that i will die sleeping from bad nutrition one day without pain thats all what im praying for. because i cannot stop that alone.


i am thinking about writing my ex wife a letter to explain her the real reason as she didnt know why i was passive agressive and left her often alone whenever there was a problem what would you suggest me please to go ahead and write that letter or to leave her alone because i have done enough problems to her life. i wrote this letter but didnt send it yet i was going to tell her that i was a porn and virtual sex addict.
i didnt talk to her since our divorce two years now.

 

i felt like a chock reading your comment, this is like my mind talking the good side of it, but there is no therapy where i live so if i cancel my internet and stop the gaming i will be inside an empty room, at my parents i will be more lonely and i am afraid that i will do something to myself i wont handle it please i will leave her alone im going to throw and rip the letter alright thank you for telling me this

 

i feel that when i have strong depression at night sometimes, especially when i lack sleep. but there is no professional help around me, and i dont have money to pay it anyway. i dont even know if i will be able to talk about my problem with that professional help in this muslim shitty country

 

hello enwar thank you for your suggestion i am always checking this website to look for answers to this topic i made. i am in contact with my cousin i saved some money when i was in austria working when i was married. and have enough to buy a bicycle. my cousin has one already and he invited me to join him so i need to find one first and spend as much time as i can with him doing this activity. i am always back in my room and the struggle is not just my room and to be back to my computer. but also the fact that i lost an opportunity. i had an amazing wife. very loving very caring and a nice job. but the thing is that my addiction was giving me more happiness and more dopamine to my sick brain, so my ex wife or my job or the beautiful life that i had wasn't enough for me. i regret that so much and i live in this regret. porn destroyed my self esteem my life and my motivation in doing anything i love. i have heart problems sometimes. and often when i have pain i honestly wish to die from it but without too much pain. the other person that commented my topic was saying true things about canceling my internet and cleaning my room but he surely doesn't realize that if this was the solution everyone in my situation would have found a way to get out of that. its just not that easy. but whatever he is not me.

anyway i appreciate what you said about god before i was praying faithful thanking god everyday for what he gave me. but i was addicted to porn and watching it whenever my ex wife went to sleep telling her that i like gaming at night with my friends from outseas and that was a lie. i lost faith in god almost my religious family was surprised how i changed so fast. i am not praying anymore. my cousin is religious and often ask me to pray god. i tell him that i dont want to do that i just want to have a normal life.

in this moment i ask the good god to help me and help my brother stuck with this modern drug silently destroying alot of marriages and alot of dreams. this is a sickness. its a taboo in some places in the world. like where i live in Algeria. i found this website where alot of marriages was destroyed and alot of womens was talking about their experience with an addicted husband i read it every single day to realize again and again what have happened to me. and what is happening to me. i feel like i lost alot of my brain capabilities.

But i will have a bicycle soon. i will go out. i will be a normal person again i'm 30 years old. i lost everything bust i still have my health as my cousin always reminds me. so better to do it now before my heart and condition get worst. thank you again i am trying.

 

https://www.womansdivorce.com/lying-and-porn-addiction.html

 

i don't drink the first time i drunk to be honest in my life is when i lost my faith i was muslim i took a bottle and didnt even see what was it, when my ex wife wanted the divorce it was a gift from her father. and i drunk all of it. it was the first time in my life i feel the effect of alchool but i felt out of this world for that evening.and i didnt even puke. but anyway i do not smooke i never smooked. i dont drink coffe at all i eat one meal a day OMAD because i started feeling bad sometimes my heart was hurting. and i feel better now. i eat only at night and i dont eat for a nother 24 hour. one meal a day. to put my body in survivor mode hoping that this will help me to stop wanting to watch porn or do sexual stuff. but it is not really working. maybe it will be good for my health but not for my addiction to be eating once a day. i am not moving from my bed since two years. i wake up i turn on my computer the tv too to have some noise in my room and play games all day long nd night until i cant stay awake anymore and i feel really sleepy. including playing games from time to time i talk in skype with ladies and here we go again ... i watch alot of youtube videos about exercising and how beneficial is it for the mood and against depression, i am willing to find a bike as i said and start workout again but this is going to be hard. i worked out since 11 years then stoped completely after my divorce. i lost alot of my muscle mass but i will start again i need to.i am stoping sometimes two days sometimes three and then start again. but i will start sport

 

thank you for your good advices, i started doing my dishes alone my mother always ask me to let her do that but i never let her. i bought a bike with my savings and went in a long ride with my cousin my thighs hurted me like never in my life also all my muscles hurted me, i didnt go out of my room almost since two years from my divorce. and it was night time i felt really weird to be in the middle of people riding my bike. but this pain made me feel alive. i cameback to my room i found it clean my mother went in and cleaned it. i will miss my parents alo when they wont be here anymore they are old and i worry so much about them. everyday i hear my father caughing i feel bad. but they are doing well for now. i did not stop porn yet i know its bad i know its destroying my life or making me feel in the same place not able to do anything with my life while im getting older and older. i dont even remember how i was before discovering porn. i remember i had no right to go outside to have fun with friends or my father was hiting me. i remember an imam in the moskey did hit me because i wasnt a good student of Coran. i lived some good child abuse when i was young. and beleive me you cant forget that the rest of your life. i am trying to motivate myself to go out with my bike early at 5 in the morning when there is no one outside and go to run a bit in the stadium but porn is always here in my life. i feel so bad after stoping it two or three days. i feel stuck in this country. i didnt wanted to leave austria. but the divorce and when i lost my job i was forced to leave or live in the streets. whenever i stop porn the problems that i have in my life not having a job worrying after my parents death that my 7 brothers and sisters that are not even talking to me will probably sell the house and i will be stuck here it is so hard to get a visa to leave the country. i have no job. no future. and porn is here to make me feel better. atleast for a few minutes. then i always feel bad again. but i sleep and do the same everyday. my cousin is telling me that if i dont pray properly god wont help me. five prayers per day. but i always tell him that i wont pray him that way. and if he wont help me then why did he even create me. if there is no reason for me in this life then why do i even exist. i am stuck and i am trying to live with porn every girl that i meet online i tell her first why i divorced and that i have porn problem and some of them accepted it. but they prefer a normal guy. why am i even talking about that. now i am writing this to keep my mind occupied. thank you again for your time. but i will keep trying to stop again and again until something happens in my life i hope i cant get raid of my computer

 

today i saw a picture of my ex wife with her young boyfriend she has 27 years old he has 21. and i was telling myself while doing the dishes at night as always. because i never almost leave my room in day time. if a young 21 years old guy was able to make my ex wife happy. i think that if i had a normal brain i would be able to do better. i was jealouse of him that he is normal and young and capable of making my ex wife happy while i couldn't and im 30 years old. i have to say that this made me feel useless. i often consider myself as a looser but i often ignore it and move on.

 

thank you for the good vibes