She wants honesty. But telling her I relapsed has destroyed relationship

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by Kvothe1318, May 14, 2017.

  1. Kvothe1318

    Kvothe1318 Fapstronaut

    8
    5
    3
    Title pretty much sums it up. She feels in doing nothing to break my addiction I made it 30d before my first relapse and I told her the very next time I saw her in person. What did I do wrong?
     
    DBug and Matrix Intel like this.
  2. tylerdurden321

    tylerdurden321 Fapstronaut

    37
    39
    18
    Dump her and move on. she aint worth it. Cut your losses man.
     
    connor213 and Matrix Intel like this.
  3. Silas

    Silas Fapstronaut

    14
    16
    3
    Hang in there. Have you invited her to join here? She may not understand that there will be wobbles along the way. I don't know what the circumstances of your slip were - perhaps they were particularly hurtful to her in some way? This supporting a porn addict is not for the faint of heart.... its REALLY tough on partners. Perhaps she feels utterly unfeminine and undesirable as a result of your slip.... you can help her, reassure her the problem is with you and not her... sorry I can't make anymore specific suggestions without a bit more detail.
     
    TooMuchTooSoon, Chris14, DBug and 2 others like this.
  4. LavaMe

    LavaMe Fapstronaut

    If you made it thirty days I don't think you did nothing to break your addiction. If you told her about your fall then you would seem to be being honest with her.

    So, what did you do wrong? Well, you can answer that question. Why did you fall? What preceded your fall? What did you do or fail to do? What will you do going forward to prevent a relapse?

    Of course I know that isn't what you meant. You meant what did you do wrong in regards to your relationship. That we can't know. People get mad about all sorts of things. People let anger build up and then focus on one thing on which to unleash their anger. Or they use one thing for the final justification for a decision they've been working towards. Trouble in a relationship can because of all sorts of things. Most likely you've done lots of things wrong because you are human and we all make mistakes.

    If she says you are doing nothing then you should be able to point to thirty days and specific things you've done to lead to success. You should also be able to tell her what you've learned and plan to do. If she thinks that is nothing you can't change her mind. If she thinks that isn't enough then you can't change her mind.

    She may want honesty but that doesn't mean she'll be happy when you tell her you've relapsed. You should be understanding of her unhappiness. As @Silas said it may make her fell less that you fell. If your relapsing hurts the relationship or she is excessively angry about it then there isn't any thing you can do. While you can work to do what you can to repair and save the relationship you can't control her. Be kind, be honest, ask questions to understand her feelings, and continue to work on your recovery. That is all you can do. Also, sometimes time helps to smoot things over. Be patient.
     
  5. Skywalker.89

    Skywalker.89 Fapstronaut

    36
    38
    18
    she sounds really insecure for her to get upset that you relapsed. How can she not empathize with you after a relapse. any real women would have appreciated the honesty and would work with you through this struggle. instead she gets offended. you did nothing wrong in telling her the TRUTH. why tf would she want honesty but bail when you're honest? i wouldn't tell you to ditch her. i suggest evaluating the circumstance and figure out for yourself if you want to be with someone who doesn't support you in your down times. i don't put up with prissy women cause they don't deserve me. cause i have high self esteem and respect for myself. i don't have to try please someone in order for them to like me. if someone likes me they get the best of me but also my flaws. we're only human. keep at it man. don't find solace in pmo if things don't work it with this chick.
     
    Matrix Intel and Kenzi like this.
  6. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

    2,052
    3,438
    143
    I am a SO and props to you for making it 30 days, thats awesome, and also props to you for being honest when I know that was not easy for you. That being said we as SO all have our own boundaries, and what is okay for one may not be for another. My thoughts are that if you screw up once be honest with me, I will forgive and thank you for your honesty and we will move forward. But that does not mean I will not be hurt, that does not mean I will not be angry. SOs in this situation are hurting a lot. The best thing I think you can do is when she is angry don't see that as oh I should not be honest with her, validate her feelings. Say you understand she is upset and why, that you are trying and then tell her what you will do to try to prevent it next time. For me after a third or fourth slip up counseling is a must individual and couples and after that I am likely going to move on. See people have a right to not want to be part of a relationship with an addict. I think if you as a So really love someone you should support them but if they continue to not change and just repeat the behaviors they need to expect and understand that the SO will leave them. Accept those are her boundaries, and if you do not stop PMO you will lose her. It it part depends on how committed to the relationship she is, are you married or just dating? Being honest gives you a better shot than lying, but it does not mean it will change her mind. But if you read from what the SO post most would not voluntarily chose to marry their addict partner if they had that choice again. You have to understand that many women will not want to be with you because of this addiction, and that's why you need to beat it. It may be if you are not married, that you do this on your own, and then get back into a relationship when y ou are ready?
     
  7. Alaskamoose

    Alaskamoose Fapstronaut

    37
    48
    18
    I'm sorry bro :( I do give you congrats on the 30 days! You relapsed; it can happen, we are all human; what we are doing is growing and making positive changes and that takes courage; she asked for honesty and you gave her that; things happen for a reason even though they can be painful; my read on this if she broke up with you over being honest, would be to stay on the path of recovery that you are on and look for a female that is more supportive and less judgemental because you are worth that! It is her loss bro, put it in the rear view mirror and only keep supportive people in your inner circle :)
     
    Skywalker.89 likes this.
  8. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

    2,052
    3,438
    143
    Just to comment on men here saying the SO needs to be more understanding or that he needs to find someone who is more supportive. I just want to give it to you straight here that the majority of women don't want to be with a porn addict and the level of understanding he's getting from his current partner is likely to be more than he will get from another partner particularly a new one who is not going to be as committed to him as a longer term one. So saying there is something wrong with her actions is unfair. And it also keeps many men in their addictions. " It's her other women will be more understanding I will find someone who is. It's okay I'm going to PMO again. My partners being unreasonable." I would also like to know do you have a history of lying to her about the P use? How did she find out? The more a women has been lied to the less understanding she will be. And is it or has caused performance issues? See she feels like you are selfishly denying her a fulfilling sex life in favor of Pmo. And if you do have performance issues everytime you PMO it sets you right back to zero meaning she's waiting longer and longer to obtain a fulfilling sex life with you when she may have also been already dealing with that your entire relationship. I always suggest that men on here put themselves in the woman's position and see how forgiving and understanding they would be.
     
  9. Regular Guy

    Regular Guy Fapstronaut

    11
    2
    3
    Hang in there man. I like your name by the way, clearly somebody's been reading Patrick Rothfuss' work.
     
  10. Skywalker.89

    Skywalker.89 Fapstronaut

    36
    38
    18
    I disagree with some of the things you said. I can't speak for all women and neither can you. It's true that no one wants to be with any kind of addict whether they're addicted to drugs, porn, or whatever it may be. However not all women are like this particular girl. Not all care whether a guy pmo's or not. I'm not conding that guys pmo if they have a SO but just trying to shed some light that not all women care one way or another. Taking the story at face value she seems irrational. She's not him. She is not a man and cannot understand what kind of stronghold this addiction can have on a guy. I'm not condoning that this guy pmo'd but for her to get upset like this speaks volumes of her own insecurities as a person. He genuinely tried. 30 days is nothing to scoff at. He told her the truth. She asked for honesty but flips her shit the moment he is up front about it. He should absolutely get over this addiction. Not for her but for himself. If you try to quit for other people, it rarely ever works. Also it's not like he cheated on her by directly having sex with another woman. That right there would be a justifiable cause to leave someone and not tolerate such behavior. It's apples to oranges. But if she sees it all the same that cheating virtually vs in real life the that's her issue. While i do think she is over reacting I DO support her decision to want out of the relationship because of what he did. She is free to do so. No one is obligated to stick around if they don't want to.
     
    Last edited: May 16, 2017
  11. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

    2,052
    3,438
    143
    I said the majority not all. There are some women I am sure that are fine with it, most just are not SO on here or any woman I personally know. I don't know if you saw the post where I asked women married to addicts if they would make the choice again knowing what they know and they all said no. My point was not to speak for all women but to explain that this woman's reaction is pretty much the norm as far as how women react and that PMO addiction will cause problems in most relationships . Personally I don't see porn as cheating unless it takes away from our sexual relationship. When a man is choosing pmo over his SO or can't perform in bed due to PMO to me that is cheating. But as I said everyone is entitled to set their own boundaries. Often times addicts set unrealistic expectations for their SO. And I totally agree that he needs to do it for him!
     
  12. Alaskamoose

    Alaskamoose Fapstronaut

    37
    48
    18
    Thanks for the reply. No I never lied, but the relationship broke up anyway because she was actually sleeping around the whole time. My twin brothers wife messed around on him numerous times; when she asked if he was faithful he was honest and said he had masturbated to porn and divorced him; ironic. I don't believe in lying. I have some good friends that support me including female, and one of my female friends wants to get with me after i mentioned joining this site, just a thought. I wasn't blaming or shaming anyone; there are women out there who care asuch where a man is going vs where he has been; I appilogize if I came off as super critical of her.
     
  13. Alaskamoose

    Alaskamoose Fapstronaut

    37
    48
    18
     
  14. Alaskamoose

    Alaskamoose Fapstronaut

    37
    48
    18
    I was just trying to be supportive of you cause you are doing the right thing
     
  15. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

    2,052
    3,438
    143
    No need to apologize. For me this community is all about expressing our individual pain and hardship caused by PMO and learning from each other. Sometimes we all get stuck in our own heads and it helps to see the other side. It's great that you were honest with her and that you understand it was not her fault. Keep the honesty up. We all make mistakes no one is perfect but being honest about our mistakes and faults goes a long way. I'm sorry that she cheated on you. Often times in relationships with a PMO addict the partner feels neglected and as if there is no intimate connection. This is true even when the SO has no idea about the pmo. They say something was just off it was like he was not present. Many women cheat not for sex but to feel that connection. That does not justify it but may help you understand a bit. You are on the right path keep it up and best of luck to you!
     
    TooMuchTooSoon, Bel, Silas and 2 others like this.
  16. Skywalker.89

    Skywalker.89 Fapstronaut

    36
    38
    18
    That's super fucked up. What a fucking hypocrite! both those women. i bet she got mad at you to justify her own short comings and as an excuse to leave. that bitch. just goes to show that there's usually a good person and a bad person in a given relationship.
     
    Headspace and Alaskamoose like this.
  17. Alaskamoose

    Alaskamoose Fapstronaut

    37
    48
    18
    Thanks for the validation bro :) yeah I would say hypocritical would fit the bill
     
    Headspace and Skywalker.89 like this.
  18. aingdk11

    aingdk11 Fapstronaut

    109
    60
    28
    Just tell her the truth.i she accept it good if she not move on.i ve been in ur shituation by the way.goodluck
     
  19. stygian

    stygian Fapstronaut

    618
    240
    43
    What happened? Can you provide an update?
     
  20. Tesslynne

    Tesslynne Guest

    That's a good point. A long time ago, I had a bf into porn & it took him a while to convince me that this did NOT mean he was not sexually attracted to me. She may be going through similar. Thinking you're not attracted to her so you turned to porn etc.
     

Share This Page