transwoman porn - and ensuing gender confusion - has been eating away at my life

Hi everyone,

I've just joined the forum and I wanted to say a little bit about why I'm here.

I'm male, have always been straight - I don't find guys attractive at all - and have never really had any trouble finding girls/women to go out with me since I was about 15. And yet ever since I started watching transwoman porn at around 18-19 I've gone through stages of questioning my gender and sexuality. After initially stumbling across transwoman porn, I soon started to fantasise that I was the transsexual in the video having sex with men. For about 5 years I went through phases, each about a week long and occuring around once every six weeks, where I would buy a load of women's clothes online and dress up in a highly sexualised way. On a couple of occasions I even took it as far as to let a guy have sex with me while I was dressed up as a woman. On neither occassion did I particularly enjoy the experience.

The cycle - watch porn, buy the clothes, masturbate or engage in risky sexual behaviour - was broken for about three years from 2006 when I went to university. I was pursuing girls here and was extremely busy - gym, drinking, socialising etc. - and as soon as I stopped viewing porn my inclination toward cross-dressing and my obsession with turning myself into a 'transwoman' (that isn't meant offensively to genuinely trans people btw, I'm merely using the term referring to a genre of porn) all but evaporated.

But then eventually, when I left university and boredom set in, it returned. It returned because my job involved me spending a lot of time online at home and as a form of boredom or stress relief I would typically view porn. And then, predictably, the whole cycle would start again. When I don't view porn I have little or no compulsion to dress and am attracted exclusively to females; when I view porn even a little it soon takes over until I've whittled half the day away and have suddenly wracked up hundreds of pounds worth of online clothes/wigs/shoes orders and am making plans to meet men for sex. All of this is not helped by the fact that I actually look hot and passable as a female.

But it's essentially about porn, and that is the point I hope to get across here. I've been wasting so much time on this stuff and I know it's not really who I am - it's a fetish that I've become obsessed with. I wanted to share this with you guys by way of an introduction but also because it might be useful to others. I have a problem and have come here to try and get over it. Porn - or at least the way I use porn - has driven me to behave in a way that is incongruent with who I am and in a way that is really destructive. I've not been performing how I should be in my career, and I've wasted literally thousands of pounds on clothes which I end up throwing away when the urge fades and shame kicks in. I've also engaged in some risky sexual behaviour.

I need to kick porn. That's why I'm here. Hopefully I can help you guys to stay strong too.

Cheers.