Shifting Our Frame of Reference So We Can Be A Leader

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by SolidStance, Nov 14, 2015.

  1. This is a semi-transcript from The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. My words are at the end.

    “If you want to make significant improvements in your life, the key is to change your paradigm. If you want to make small improvements, change your character or attitude. For monumental changes, change or shift your paradigm. Character and attitude are effects of the major underlying cause of your paradigm.” Stephen Covey

    Here’s an example:

    There is a man in a subway with several children. The children are wild, running up and down the place, climbing all over, upsetting and disturbing all the other people waiting for the train. A man was just observing the scene and noticed everyone’s’ irritation with the children, and their father just sitting on a bench looking down most of the time.

    So the observer, now irritated as well, approaches the man on the bench and says:

    “Sir, your children are so upsetting to so many people, don’t you think you can control them better than this?” with irritation in his tone.

    The father looks up and says:

    “Oh ya, I know, we just got back from the hospital …and… they lost their mother… my wife. I guess they don’t know quite how to handle it, I don’t know how handle it either… I guess.”

    Imagine you’re in that situation. Would you have a paradigm shift? Didn’t you have one just now? We see the man totally differently, don’t we?

    What if the irritated observer tried to change his behavior a little and not speak with irritation in his voice, or have a little better attitude about it or smile about it. But he gave no effort to see the situation from another frame of reference. When a fundamental change took place in the way he saw that situation, the man wanted to help the children, entertain them.

    The observer replied to the father:

    “Oh gosh, I’m so sorry about their mother and..your wife. Can you…can you tell me about her? I’m so sorry.”

    See, in his new frame of reference, character and attitude spontaneously and sincerely come out of him. We don’t consciously work on behavior and attitude, what you do is work on your paradigm, then the behavior and attitude will automatically begin to change.


    In other words, when we try to make changes in our life but only improve small traits about ourselves—such as our tone of voice when speaking to people, or how we handle annoying kids—we only change character or attitude. If we were to actually see an entire situation from another perspective, like empathizing, our character and attitude would adapt to the situation automatically without us having to work on those specific traits.

    Traffic example: Someone is tailing you. We have all been there and it is annoying. Maybe we get pissed, give them the finger, slow down passive aggressively, whatever. Then the car speeds up, passes and drives on. Meanwhile you’re thinking “FU Bro.” Now, what if instead you thought, “Those people must be in a hurry, possibly late for work (been there) or going to the hospital.” Haven’t we all been in a hurry and have not been able to explain to other drivers why we are going so fast?

    Looking at situations from the point of view of the other person, not just yourself, opens up powerful windows to change. We begin to empathize and feel what others are feeling. This is what leaders do. Except they do it all the time. There is very little opportunity to get emotional as a leader. Next time life gives you this situation at work, while in transit, at home, with friends, whatever, try to empathize and see the other person’s reasoning. Forget about yourself a little.

    In my world, I don’t avoid something I’m not good at. It’s the opposite, I face it head on. But I also don’t seek it to better myself, I let it come to me. You see, it would be easy to force yourself into a situation and come out the victor. “Oh, today I’m going to purposefully spill coffee on myself so that I face that fear.” This would be pointless because you know it’s going to happen. In life, we face the greatest difficulty in the spontaneous. When something blindsides you, that’s when your reaction means the most. That’s when permanent learning takes place in the mind. Setting yourself up will not create the same effect to the brain.

    Try to see it from that perspective for one or two days. Take whatever comes at you and react from the intellect, not from emotion. After a while there won’t be any situation that shakes you, or anything that you must seek, because you will have trained your willpower to the point that it can take on any situation. You don’t need to build strength in specific areas most of the time, what we need is a foundation of strength, a foundation of solid character and attitude traits that we internalize. Then we don’t actually work on the situation itself, our nature being strong handles it by itself.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 8, 2016
    Lupo, RealLifeGamer, Luiz0306 and 7 others like this.
  2. taqwa

    taqwa Fapstronaut

    Keep up the good work! I know who is benefitting the most :)

    Stay Strong! Win!
    SolidStance likes this.
  3. Bobs-got-it

    Bobs-got-it Fapstronaut

    I am going to practice this from now on. There are so many situations where I stress myself out from others actions. When I don't know what is going on in their life. I will practice being more observant, relaxed and adapting new situations. I will say in some cases a person can be permanently rude. Ive worked with people and they could have just won the lottery and they still would rude. I keep calm and let them be. I won't let them treat me badly so we bump heads a bit. I'm a laid back guy I get along with 99℅ of people. Maybe they have had a bad life experience and I will be open to ideas like that.
    SolidStance likes this.
  4. Bobs-got-it

    Bobs-got-it Fapstronaut

    I worked with a new substitute chef last night. She thought she was best thing that walked on earth, when I first meet people I pick up vibes pretty easy. Immediately I felt she was in bad mood. I start working and she tells me "I can tell who the new people are, that's my job" basically she said I can tell who sucks. I recently told her I had been there a couple of months. I couldn't tell if she was trying to insult me so I changed the subject. Later during dinner I made aa polite suggestion to use plates, because we ran out of bowls and she was washing individual bowls. She snapped saying " how long have you been doing this? I've been a chef for 25 years I don't need you telling me what I should do" how do I handle people that think they are another level?
    Phibz likes this.
  5. Phibz

    Phibz Fapstronaut

    Some people are just "broken." Some cannot be fixed. I feel like one of the very fortunate exceptions. We have this new guy at work and no one can stand him. He's just an incompetent idiot. He has no common sense and always asks stupid questions. He makes up different stories about where he lives. He lives out of his car, b/c he sends all his money to some chick he met on line to "get her through med school." He's a paramedic and several people refuse to work with him. I understand the shift that SS is referring to. There was a time when I would have tore this guy apart. People ask me why I like him b/c I'm nice to him. It's not that I like him. But I'm tolerant, b/c I feel his pain. No one can WANT to go through life with no friends, everyone hating you at work. He thinks that this chick from Nigeria is actually in med school and that when she graduates, she's coming to be with him. This is very sad. I know he brings it on himself. But he doesn't know any better is what I tell my colleagues. When you can get to a point in your life when you understand true compassion, you will start seeing people as an extension of yourself. Rather than separate. There are people that still put me through the tests, though.
    freedom457, Jodokus and frankied like this.
  6. There is a next step to this, but it is extremely difficult. It makes you vulnerable, open. But when used it makes your life and the life of others better.

    Do not create the weakness of the other person. In other words, do not use your language to assign prejudice or judgement.

    Ok, in and of themeselves, things are attribute-less. Meaning, we create by speaking. "This thing is good, this thing is bad, I do not like bad things, I like good things." That is a simplified version of our day to day language. The "thing" is only good because you said it was, the other thing was bad because you said it was.

    Other peoples attitudes and character does not need our opinion. They are the way they are, do not try to change people or circumstance, instead go with the flow. If someone seems to be acting like a total ass, ask yourself "what does someone have to do or say today that will make me happy?" Be content regardless.

    You see by becoming effected by another person, we are placing our fate in their hands. Do not deal with people, just be yourself, be happy and content. Be powerful and compassionate. Listen to your language. Take control of your own surroundings. Sometimes, not always, but sometimes it is your own thought about someone that makes them that way. Un-do that.

    Its so easy to become disturbed by other people. But because it is happening outside ourselves, we are being controlled and manipulated. Do not let things outside you effect whats going on inside you.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 15, 2015
    Phibz, frankied and taqwa like this.
  7. PotentLife

    PotentLife Fapstronaut

    Good stuff, SolidStance. A paradigm shift happened for me when I wished for other people all the good things I hoped could happen to me, instead of feeling like I was in competition with them for some scarce prize. What happened as a result was that I suddenly was inundated with the epiphany that reality is just teeming with opportunities for pleasure, success, joy, you name it, every moment, all ripe for the picking.

    Analogous to this, I'm just reminded that Stephen Covey may have been the author who in the beginning of his bestseller emphasized that we learn by teaching, so to teach the book to those we knew. Good job for doing so here.
    SolidStance likes this.
  8. Yes. He says teaching it impresses your own mind and makes you accountable.
    PotentLife likes this.
  9. Bobs-got-it

    Bobs-got-it Fapstronaut

    I might have to print this post, alot of useful information.
    SolidStance likes this.
  10. taqwa

    taqwa Fapstronaut

    The book is a classic. I recommend the audible version. Listen while in the car. Amazing what you can learn utilizing car time. Recent study showed that you can get an equivalent of a college education in about 6 years. Well worth your time to read it! Good luck. Stay strong!
  11. Great idea. Audible is a great app for audiobooks, my friend loves it. I cycle to and fro, may just start an Audible trial and begin with this book :D I owned a copy once but only skimmed it.

    Btw, can you share a link to that study perchance? Interesting indeed. Or I could dig it up with google, either way.
  12. taqwa

    taqwa Fapstronaut

    I apologize brother. I don't know where I read that... try and google it. If I find it, I will text it to you!
  13. No worries, I just like to know the details of such things!
  14. I have the audio and can freely distribute with a dropbox link in a PM. I listen to it once a year to "sharpen the saw"
  15. When we get hit from life, when wrong comes to us and we react with anger or frustration, we essentially let that force win. Even when we are right, we lose when emotion gets us in too deep. No one will remember that you were right, they will only see the negative reaction.

    We must therefore take the hit with a smile. Then the victory is ours.

    We decide what happens to us.
  16. Tayler32

    Tayler32 Fapstronaut

    Thanks for this post
    SolidStance likes this.
  17. What if we didnt treat that person like that? What if we just changed our tone a little. Try to empathize instead of just respond immediately.

    Most of the time humans want to know they matter to you. Once you recognize someones concern, chances are their own relief will extinguish any further dispute. Its when we start to fight back and throw gas on the fire that the argument escalates.
  18. Very respectfully, may I suggest you step out of your comfort zone and have a conversation with him about this, and voice your concerns? I don't know him, but I think no one should send money to an online person they have never met and could be pretending to be some one they aren't.
  19. wow solid stance, this is amazing stuff. thanks :D

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