Short biography of a misanthrope

Before I start, I would just like to point out a Warning; some of these events in my life may be disturbing to some readers.

I'm not sure when it started, but it was back farther than I can remember. I have memories of my childhood growing up when I realized that I thought about things a little bit differently than my peers. I wasn't interested in toys or games, but rather how kids my age would behave around me and in general. I payed attention and took note of their mannerisms; their idiosyncrasies; Who they befriend, and who they beat up; The inherent narcissism and machiavellian tactics that children orchestrate to pull the strings in their stage play; The children who were brutally outcast by the majority for reasons that they probably don't know to this day. These were a few of the many seeds that fueled my indignation for humanity, and it wouldn't be until later that it began to manifest itself into something else entirely.

It's about 11 pm. Both my parents are asleep, and my older brother crawls into my bed and starts groping my butt and rubbing his erect penis on me. I'm about 7 years old at the time, and by this point i've already had my first introduction to pornographic material disseminated by said older brother. He would show me late night HBO specials of naked strippers and prostitutes working the corner and hardcore sex scenes. I was immediately hooked, nothing compares to the excitement of adult entertainment when you're that young. That being said, I assumed this was a regular part of growing up; that every family must do this, that incestuous activity between brothers must be normal. He went on to sodomize me for the next 3 years.

If you're wondering, my parents never found out, and I've never told anyone in confidence. It would absolutely crush them if they find out something like this took place. I'd rather they die not knowing that part of my life was thrown into the shredder.

Fast forward to December 2017, my girlfriend and I were having sex in my bed. I can't remember exactly what happened, if it was something that she had done or whatever may have occurred but it made me remember the abuse I had gone through earlier in my childhood; it brought on an overwhelming emotional overload and I just broke down. I walk into the bathroom and shut the door, she comes over, knocks and says "you can cry in front of me, its ok, all my past boyfriends have done it". So I come on out, she asks whats up, and I'm on the edge of telling her what was really going on.
In desperation of avoiding that conversation, I stupidly make up a lie about how my ex dumped me because she felt disgusted by me (it was literally the only thing I could think of at the moment unfortunately, now i wish i had just said nothing) and I just talk out of my ass saying I don't want her to think that way of me. It was at this point that everything afterwards changed. Her demeanor, her coyness, body language; everything.

There was only a couple times after that she spent the night, one of which she was incredibly annoyed by my invitation for her to come over. Threw her keys on the bed, didn't make eye contact, legs turned away from me in bed, etc. New Years Eve rolls around, and we are 3 days out from a trip to San Antonio, Texas that she had bought for us on Christmas. She's taking about a day to respond to any texts I send her. At this point I know its 100% completely over. The day she breaks up with me, she comes over in the morning with her dad and his truck. I had gotten a new mattress and needed to get my other one out, and she wanted the old one. Later that night, she gets off work, comes over, and mentions something about her calling Southwest Airlines to ask questions about trip refunds, and claims the employees over at southwest just up and gave her credit for the ticket by accident, with there being no way to reverse it.

She then ends up in a state of anxiety and fumbling over her words for the next 5 painfully long minutes about how she doesn't want me anymore, and how my emotional baggage is just too much for her. I prepared myself for this moment, pretended to be indifferent by the whole thing and mentioned that I was grateful to experience the time that I spent with her.

A few days later, I get a call from my buddy to come hang out. Sidenote: Me, him and my gf all worked at Trader Joe's together at that time. I arrive at his house, and the first thing he asks me is "what happened". I sit quiet and pretend I don't know what hes talking about, so then he pries a bit further what happened between me and her. After I tell him she kind of just broke up with me out of the blue, he then goes on to say "She was telling me you were crying in front of her? She was telling people you were acting really strange. What did you do to her?"

I think a switched flipped for me at that moment, a point where I don't think I can turn back, especially because when I came back to work, people were coming up to me asking me what happened between my gf and I. Whatever she was saying spread faster than a California wildfire.

Now, I have a history of self mutilation when im at the point where all i can see is red. I went home that night, grabbed a metal pipe, and cracked it against my face until I fractured my orbital bone and took razor blades to the rest.

Next day I go into work. everybody kind of just stares and doesn't really know what to say to me. a few close friends ask and i just ignore them and keep to myself most of the day. I run into my now ex girlfriend and she asks how the other guy looks, assuming i got into some sort of bar fight. I now understand why people kill the ones they love. I've never felt the desire to disembowel someone, wear their entrails around my neck, and use their eye sockets as ash trays until this moment. I just cannot shake this rage I have inside me. Every single morning I wake up, i feel deranged.

I cannot trust anyone in my life anymore. There are other noteworthy moments in my past that i left out, because I could write an entire novel on it and it may have fleshed out more on why I am the way that I am; but this really was the last straw. A woman who I loved was so quick to discard me over a lie that I just cannot forgive myself for. My friends think that I must have done something wrong. It is MY FAULT. "what did you do TO HER?"; Things they were not even supposed to know in the first place. Even my own fucking brother violated my trust.

I realize that being angry at her for making a decision based on a lie I made is irrational, but when she throws up pictures of herself on instagram in lingerie that was my present for her on Christmas, I can't help but wishing to show her how much more pain that puts me in. I'm absolutely destroyed, and I just cannot let it go. Its only a matter of time before i stick the barrel in my mouth and put an end to this sick fucking carousel ride.

 

Thanks man, I’ll keep that in mind. I feel better alone for the time being however.