Should I be honest about my lack of sexual experience in my 30s?

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by Deleted Account, Apr 6, 2020.

  1. I was a shy kid/teenager and destructively depressed through my 20s and as a result I have very little experience of sex or relationships. I'm not a virgin but I can count the number of times I've had sex (not the number of partners) on one hand. I'm an average looking guy (well, on a good day maybe) with a successful enough career and I've generally got an alright life so I think a lot of people would be really shocked to hear the truth of my situation.

    I'm in my early 30s now and feel more confident in my ability to meet potential partners but the truth is that I don't really know what I'm doing when it comes to sex and suspect my expectations have been warped by years of excessive viewing of pornography. I feel like this lack of experience would have been a little bit odd a decade ago but now it's absolutely mortifying.

    I doubt my ability to have sex without the other person realising something is wrong. This isn't helped by a history of PIED and performance anxiety. Given that the culture in this country is very much based around the model of starting with casual sex and potentially developing a more serious relationship I don't really feel like there's any opportunity to be honest about my situation. Should I just be honest and accept that for some women that will be cause for them to reject me? Or should I just muddle through in the hope that they don't realise and consider it valuable experience even if it's not entirely successful?

    I'd be interested to hear how anyone has got out of a similar situation to me
    Ja3, Bear1996 and Kligor like this.
  2. liujc

    liujc Fapstronaut

    Hi jimbo_bones,

    I am a shy guy as well. I lost my virginity just half a year ago and I am 24 right now. I also can count the number of times of sexual activity. I remember I was quite anxious in my first time and doubted I had PIED. But it turns out I was just nervous.

    I live in an Asia country where generally people don't like casual sex. But I think you might go ahead and enjoy this. Even though eventually it's not successful, you still get some experiences which might benefit you in the future. Practice makes better, right?
    Bear1996 likes this.
  3. Sounds alot like my life when i was in my mid 20s

    I had the same fears ,and you know what i found out after going out and meeting women and having sex ? those things you said are BULLSHIT . Your just over thinking it and putting women on a pedistol that they are somehow better than you. SEX IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUN not a timed event . Its always a little diffrent the first time you have sex with someone new for the most part i found women who were considerd EASY and got around alot to be kind of lame in bed and not as skilled as i thought they would be i guess practice doesnt make perfect for some lol. The others who i didnt know much about there background were alot more fun, its about 2 people enjoying each other . RELAX DATING and SEX UP IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUN NOT A GRADED TEST WITH A TIME LIMIT.
    ToMMy.H, Ja3, lovestraunaut and 4 others like this.
  4. MrYang29

    MrYang29 Fapstronaut

    men, i think your anxiety is so highhh. my tips here just to don't give a f*ck about other chick's opinions, just be yourself around them, and when it's the time to have sex, give all you got, and don't worry about the result. you'll get better by the times goes on bro.

    And if you want my opinion about to be honest with a chick about your sexual problem? ya you should be honest, and only tell them if they asking that, switch the topic if you can. but, if she doesn't ask bout that, you don't have to tell em.

    but, the most important is to leave that porn and masturbation behind!
    Ja3, Bear1996, ivanhoe and 2 others like this.
  5. redemption7

    redemption7 Fapstronaut

    It has been my experience that if you are not honest with someone you care about you will continually feel worse about it until you do open up. The problem with that is that you will feel awkward bringing it up after so long. It is just a lot of unnecessary emotional strain and you strike me as somewhat anxious, much like myself. The rule of thumb should be, if you're not open with her, why be with her?

    Just to ease your worries a little, also: if you and a woman are serious and your connection is deeper than sex, you will learn about one another together and become one flesh, as the Lord intended. Society these days has you believing you need to blow your woman's mind the moment your clothes are off and if you don't, you're a loser and deserve nothing but infidelity and abandonment. Don't buy into it, my friend. Half the joy of sex with your partner is the way it develops over time the way your emotional bond does.
    TheJetDude44 likes this.
  6. p1n1983

    p1n1983 Fapstronaut

    Taking physical appearance out of the equation, the most attractive feature of a man to a woman is confidence.

    So, answering your question, HELL NO! you never tell your problems to the girl you are dating untill you are in a serious relationship and cannot hide it anymore.

    Just date girls and take advantage of every sex encounter you have to improve your sexual skills.
    Fake it until you make it! after a lot a sex your will be good at it. In my early 20's i sucked at bed and now at 30´s they always want a second round. Practice, practice and practice.
  7. ^This

    Also, these days with all the diseases going around I would think a lack of 'experience' is a plus!
    Don't frame it to yourself or others that you 'couldn't get any' - frame it that you see sex as sacred or an expression of intimacy you only share with someone really special.
    Fullyawake likes this.
  8. I say yes, of course. Honesty is the best policy. And if they are going to reject you for it, then they probably aren't the kind of person you want to be with anyway. You will save yourself time and heartache by weeding those women out.
  9. SpoonDog

    SpoonDog Fapstronaut

    I wouldn't be up front about your lack of experience with a woman because there's little point in doing so. I didn't have a lot of experience before I met my current girlfriend and it took a few tries for things to really kick on, but now we have a great sex life.

    In any case I have found that just because a woman is 'experienced', it doesn't necessarily mean they're going to be particularly good at it and I think our views are somewhat skewed by the ultra-confident, highly capable women we see in porn. Really life isn't generally like that.
  10. Absolutely correct! If you've been educated by porn (!), you'll think that sex is some kind of exciting and exhausting triathlon with high variability, almost a competition to see how you can outdo each other. You feel that you have to "get to it" quickly and with great expertise!

    As @SpoonDog says, the reality is mundane. Making love isn't as much about sex as it is about enjoying each other's company, touch, voice, connection and presence, while staying safe — emotionally as well as physically. A triathlon with multiple sex positions does not feel safe, especially for a woman having sex with a new mate! (Note how devoid porn is of emotional connection. It's a ghastly way to educate yourself. Porn is pretty much a textbook on how not to have sex.)

    Give her an emotionally fun and safe experience. Let your instincts guide you to sex (that's what instincts are for). Take your time and keep the whole experience lighthearted. Whenever she feels uncomfortable or pushes you away, it just means that you're going too fast, so back off for a few minutes, and make her smile or laugh, before you try again.

    If you really want to discuss positions, you can discuss them when the two of you are more settled with each other.

    Take it easy, have fun, and good luck!
    iyer150390, Rev2.0 and SpoonDog like this.

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