Should I even date?

T

TheSunWillRiseAgain

Fapstronaut
I really want a partner. I’m in my mid 30s, I still living with my parents. There is a reason for this, I was unemployed for long time. I have a job, so im saving money right now.. but what woman would date a man in his 30s that still lives with his parents? I feel like I’m punishing myself.. I deserve love just like anyone else ‍♂️
 
TheSunWillRiseAgain said:
I really want a partner. I’m in my mid 30s, I still living with my parents. There is a reason for this, I was unemployed for long time. I have a job, so im saving money right now.. but what woman would date a man in his 30s that still lives with his parents? I feel like I’m punishing myself.. I deserve love just like anyone else ‍♂️
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Do not let the world put you in the corner cause you are living with parents so what? A lot of the ''grown men'' are literally renting or paying for the banks twice or three times worth of the flat they have bought by money on loan.
Once you find someone you will move out it is easier to split the taxes in two than paying it by yourself beside if you have no friends like I, then it is a way better to live with parents giving them the half of taxes or 1/3 it depends and just having someone to open the mouth. I have bought flat by cash and guess what? I am living with my mother and they ( people) may think of my that I am inmature but that is the thing if it wasn`t for my mother I would feel like the only soul among crowd.
 
TheSunWillRiseAgain said:
I really want a partner. I’m in my mid 30s, I still living with my parents. There is a reason for this, I was unemployed for long time. I have a job, so im saving money right now.. but what woman would date a man in his 30s that still lives with his parents? I feel like I’m punishing myself.. I deserve love just like anyone else ‍♂️
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Q "what woman would date a man in his 30s who still lives with his parents"?

A "a woman who is either much youngest or much older than him"
 
Who wants to date a woman who is judgmental about where you live? While it's not ideal living with your parents, if it was me, nothing would stop me from dating. Go out and have fun and stop worrying about what others think.
 
Seriously now, it's not that bad to have some standards and to apply them to yourself. Your big issue isn't that you live with your parents. The big issue is that while you haven't accomplished what you want you still offer abnormal ammounts of pleasure to yourself (via porn and possible in other ways too). You reassure yourself and you don't let the full burden of your responsibility to settle in your mind.

I don't think that a person who lives with their parents shouldn't date. But I think that a porn addict, just like a drug addict shouldn't be so passionate about it. It's a different story if you were attracted to a particular person who is also attracted to you, knows about your problem and is willing to stand by you.... But I wouldn't recommend to just go out and seek for a partner to whom you 'll be dishonest about your current situation, as well as your psychological and moral condition.

Maybe, if you had done your job in regards to the more fundamental issues and your financial situation was just a deficiency, occurred out of bad lack and other life circumstances, you wouldn't be so ashamed about it. Maybe you would even be proud of it for managing to be healthy and moral despite the difficulties you face...
 
You should definitely give it a try. Living with your parents while getting back on your feet isn’t a dealbreaker, it shows you're responsible and working towards your goals. Plenty of people are in similar situations these days, and the right person will appreciate your honesty and ambition. You deserve love just like anyone else! If you're looking for options, maybe check out some Silver Singles reviews for online dating. Don't let self-doubt hold you back.
 
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nomo said:
Who wants to date a woman who is judgmental about where you live? While it's not ideal living with your parents, if it was me, nothing would stop me from dating. Go out and have fun and stop worrying about what others think.
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This.

Also, in this economy (thanks Wall Street billionaires) it's common as heck for people to move back home. It's like 50/50 now when it comes to friends that live with parents or rely on their money.
 
If you want to date, then go out and do it. It's at least worth the attempt. I don't agree with the common argument that you need to "work on yourself" before you start trying to make friends or meet girls. In my opinion you should work on yourself AND do those things. Otherwise you could easily end up in a situation where you're stuck in a neverending state of self-improvement and you never bother to actually apply your improvements to real life. Look, you're a guy who has problems with porn. You're not a crackhead or a violent thug. There are people way worse than you out there who go on dates.
 
UnholyConfessor said:
where you're stuck in a neverending state of self-improvement
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tbh, Ive never seen this. Or anything close to it. I think 75% of people on this forum give up NoFap because before reaching 90 days sober. I know I did many times.

The reason people recommend working on oneself first, is because sex addiction can cause a lot of harm to others. Working in 12-steps on those 9 Step amends is no picnic.

I think anyone dating who can't go 90 days without watching porn is also on a self-destruction mission. How we gonna develop a healthy relationship when we are literally chronically masturbating and cheating on our partners with fantasy pixel women?

UnholyConfessor said:
you're a guy who has problems with porn. You're not a crackhead or a violent thug
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I used to tell myself these rationalizations in my addiction as well. Truth is, my sex addiction has been much more dangerous to others than when I was a hardcore drug addict and alcoholic. I think most sex addicts in recovery will admit that its just as dangerous, if not more so.

I highly recommend against minimizing the seriousness of PMO addiction. It destroyed my entire life and has ruined many relationships and driven me to near suicide many times.

I don't know OPs experience with this addiction. I can only recommend not to let "living with parents" be a reason to not date. It's not a big deal nowadays especially.
 
Thank you for the interesting response.

cleaningupmyact said:
tbh, Ive never seen this. Or anything close to it. I think 75% of people on this forum give up NoFap because before reaching 90 days sober. I know I did many times.

The reason people recommend working on oneself first, is because sex addiction can cause a lot of harm to others. Working in 12-steps on those 9 Step amends is no picnic.

I think anyone dating who can't go 90 days without watching porn is also on a self-destruction mission. How we gonna develop a healthy relationship when we are literally chronically masturbating and cheating on our partners with fantasy pixel women?
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I don't just mean on this forum, I mean in general. And personally I've seen it a lot. People who spend all their time self-improving but never doing anything else. Years pass by and they don't really get anywhere because they never put what they've improved to good use.

As for the rest, well yeah you're right. I'm only going off what OP said. His story might be a very extreme one, it might be a lot milder than yours or mine.

cleaningupmyact said:
I used to tell myself these rationalizations in my addiction as well. Truth is, my sex addiction has been much more dangerous to others than when I was a hardcore drug addict and alcoholic. I think most sex addicts in recovery will admit that its just as dangerous, if not more so.

I highly recommend against minimizing the seriousness of PMO addiction. It destroyed my entire life and has ruined many relationships and driven me to near suicide many times.

I don't know OPs experience with this addiction. I can only recommend not to let "living with parents" be a reason to not date. It's not a big deal nowadays especially.
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I get what you're saying. Perhaps my language came across in a way I did not intended. I'm sorry to hear about your problems, I can certainly relate to some of them. I still think OP can work on himself and meet people at the same time, he just has to take care. He doesn't deserve to keep his life in a state of painful limbo because of his addiction. If he has the opportunity to be happy and he's not hurting anyone, he should take it if you ask me.
 
I appreciate the thoughtful reply. I agree with most of what youre saying here.

UnholyConfessor said:
keep his life in a state of painful limbo because of his addiction.
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I just don't think going 90 days of PMO before dating is "pitiful limbo." It's one of the most basic gauges of sobriety. At least 1 month no P I would say is a pretty bare minimum.

UnholyConfessor said:
If he has the opportunity to be happy and he's not hurting anyone, he should take it if you ask me.
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This is a very dangerous thought pattern for a sex addict (me). The problem is, I never thought I harmed anyone. The addiction is all about making complex rationalizations for everything. As a sex addict, I could get a Masters degree in them:

Addict Rationalizations:
"it's not my fault she doesn't talk to me anymore"
"so what she left my social circle"
"she said she wanted to try anything I wanted. It's not my fault she's uncomfortable"
"she agreed to those photos and videos I took. I'm going to feel guilty that she wants me to delete them. I don't plan to share them, anyway."
"if she doesnt find this P, who will it hurt?"
"if I don't tell her I fap all the time, who will it hurt?"
"if I go through her hard drive / journal and look at her stuff, who will it hurt? She won't find out"

Sober Answers:
- you probably played a role in it. People usually ghost when they feel unsafe.
- she just lost a significant part of her social life, against her will. Odds are, your addiction made her feel unsafe to be around you
- Women are conditioned to say this stuff to men. You need to ask how she is feeling. Look at her emotional reaction, body language, and how she feels after. Anything other than an enthusiastic 'yes' is a 'no!'
- If you don't delete them, you are a liar and a creep who is violating her consent for selfish pleasure. It absolutely does matter - and your hard drive can be exposed any number of ways. Most 'revenge porn' is from hackers, not ex-boyfriends.
- It will hurt you. and you will suffer from emotional instability, sleep issues, brain fog, panic attacks, and other symptoms that absolutely affect the relationship. Not to mention you are literally cheating on her.
- See above.
- It will hurt you. As the addiction drives you to keep more and more secrets, the relationship will be built off of manipulation and lies.


These are just a few examples from my life. When I thought I was "healthy" enough to date while still being a P addict. And it gets a lot worse than this. P teaches us to see and treat womens bodies as objects for our self-gratification. It is the predatory nature of our addiction, as my sponsor says.

It is antithetical to love, honesty, kindness, trust, and all the most important foundations of healthy dating and intimacy.
 
cleaningupmyact said:
I just don't think going 90 days of PMO before dating is "pitiful limbo." It's one of the most basic gauges of sobriety. At least 1 month no P I would say is a pretty bare minimum.
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Painful limbo, not pitiful limbo lol.

cleaningupmyact said:
This is a very dangerous thought pattern for a sex addict (me). The problem is, I never thought I harmed anyone. The addiction is all about making complex rationalizations for everything. As a sex addict, I could get a Masters degree in them:

Addict Rationalizations:
"it's not my fault she doesn't talk to me anymore"
"so what she left my social circle"
"she said she wanted to try anything I wanted. It's not my fault she's uncomfortable"
"she agreed to those photos and videos I took. I'm going to feel guilty that she wants me to delete them. I don't plan to share them, anyway."
"if she doesnt find this P, who will it hurt?"
"if I don't tell her I fap all the time, who will it hurt?"
"if I go through her hard drive / journal and look at her stuff, who will it hurt? She won't find out"

Sober Answers:
- you probably played a role in it. People usually ghost when they feel unsafe.
- she just lost a significant part of her social life, against her will. Odds are, your addiction made her feel unsafe to be around you
- Women are conditioned to say this stuff to men. You need to ask how she is feeling. Look at her emotional reaction, body language, and how she feels after. Anything other than an enthusiastic 'yes' is a 'no!'
- If you don't delete them, you are a liar and a creep who is violating her consent for selfish pleasure. It absolutely does matter - and your hard drive can be exposed any number of ways. Most 'revenge porn' is from hackers, not ex-boyfriends.
- It will hurt you. and you will suffer from emotional instability, sleep issues, brain fog, panic attacks, and other symptoms that absolutely affect the relationship. Not to mention you are literally cheating on her.
- See above.
- It will hurt you. As the addiction drives you to keep more and more secrets, the relationship will be built off of manipulation and lies.


These are just a few examples from my life. When I thought I was "healthy" enough to date while still being a P addict. And it gets a lot worse than this. P teaches us to see and treat womens bodies as objects for our self-gratification. It is the predatory nature of our addiction, as my sponsor says.

It is antithetical to love, honesty, kindness, trust, and all the most important foundations of healthy dating and intimacy.
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All true, but not for everyone. We have no idea if any of those things apply to the OP.
 
Hey guys. Thanks for the comments. Sometimes after long binge of pmo I can get very negative, ocd almost. This thread was written under this influence. I hope I’ll be able to achieve all my goals and aspirations, but for the addict’s brain, it’s hard.
 
TheSunWillRiseAgain said:
I really want a partner. I’m in my mid 30s, I still living with my parents. There is a reason for this, I was unemployed for long time. I have a job, so im saving money right now.. but what woman would date a man in his 30s that still lives with his parents? I feel like I’m punishing myself.. I deserve love just like anyone else ‍♂️
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Any girl who likes you and wants to sleep with you. Put a bed in your car. Problem solved.
 
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