Should i go out with this girl or not ??

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by frankied, Jul 21, 2015.

  1. frankied

    frankied Fapstronaut

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    Day 23 in my reboot of 90 days, heavy porn addict for about 5 years.

    So a few days my confidence was high and also my desire to be with a real girl. So i texted a girl from highschool whom i rejected back in the day because i had no interest anymore in girls because of porn.

    Is it a good idea to go on a date with her?

    I think i don't want a relationship with her but am more looking for something casual, i don't know if this is good for my rebooting proces though.

    Advice appreciated :)
     
  2. Calvinklein

    Calvinklein Fapstronaut

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    Youll get yes and no answer mate..
    Many people believe that there should be absolute abstinence in recovery period..
    And also many believe real passionate sex is ok..
    In my opinion it should be fine as long as you dont MO at home after the date.. Goodluck mate
     
    Caveat Emptor likes this.
  3. Cyrus the Virus

    Cyrus the Virus Fapstronaut

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    23 days is a great accomplishment, be proud!
    Do what ever you think is right.
    I am not exactly sure what you mean by casual dating, do you mean friends with benefits? In my personal opinion it sounds like you want to use this girl as an object to get off to. From what you wrote this potential relationship doesn't seem very fair to me. This girl actually wanted a relationship and now years later you just want to O so you thought of her. I don't want to be harsh but this sounds a little manipulative. It is likely the addiction trying to rationalize some way to O. This arrangement will not help your reboot at all.
     
  4. frankied

    frankied Fapstronaut

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    mmmm, i think about these kind of things often. Sometimes i think too it's manipulative, but on the other hand, isn't it normal to have sexual feelings towards someone without wanting a special relationship with that person ? It might hurt her feelings that is true, but would she regret having sex with me or see it as a nice experience ? I think if i am clear in my intentions it is not a bad thing, but for my recovery it might be bad, i am just not sure.

    Anyway thanks for the advice guys !
     
  5. Cyrus the Virus

    Cyrus the Virus Fapstronaut

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    Yeah, it's completely normal to have sexual feelings and not want a deep relationship. Whatever you do make sure she knows exactly what you want (sex) and don't want (relationship), do not leave that up to chance and hope for the best. Most women I know would never be okay with an arrangement like that, I'd get quickly turned down or punched in the face. A proposition like that doesn't exactly show much respect for the woman, but I guess if you are willing to to take that chance you might as well ask.
     
    Caveat Emptor likes this.
  6. JohnnyFavourite

    JohnnyFavourite Fapstronaut

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    I'd say don't do it. You admitted it might hurt her feelings, and it sounds like you want to use her to bridge the discomfort of quitting porn. Give yourself more time rebooting first. Wait to meet a girl in the present rather than rooting through your past for an easy lay.

    But that's just my opinion.
     
  7. 8BitsOfStuggling

    8BitsOfStuggling Fapstronaut

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    I would say no. Judging by your post above, I think you are adding much more temptation to your life than you need. You say you don't want anything serious, so that to me means you want friends. But when I read, I just want something casual, it sounds like FWB. If you have a FWB you are reopening all of your progress you have made the last 23 days. What happens if you have a FWB and you are okay with having sex while rebooting, but you go over and she turns you on but you two don't actually do anything. Then you have a big problem on your hands I think.
     
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  8. Dhanraj

    Dhanraj Fapstronaut

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    Well said and nailed it
     
  9. msa2388

    msa2388 Fapstronaut

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    I'm anti 'casual' for the most part. I use to not care about that sort of thing but in reality someone always gets feelings which never ends well if the other person doesn't.

    If you think you might like her, take her on some dates. I'm starting to realize that sex isn't meant to be casual, it's suppose to be a deep connection formed between two people that know they love each other. I know how cheesy that sounds but I think it's true. My theory is our divorce rate is so high because people expect to get laid within a few weeks or even days of meeting each other. Sex makes your brain release chemicals that make you for attachments to another person....doing it prematurely or 'casually' creates feelings that should already exist between two people before they get intimate.
     
  10. scote73

    scote73 Fapstronaut

    This is a theory I've also had. People tend to expect sex after a few dates, or sometimes even after one date. The thing that I believe most people don't understand about sex is that it is a bonding process that naturally creates feelings, whether warrented or not. Sex is a powerful reinforcer of these (potentially false) feelings, and the mind can lead one to believe that the person they're having sex with is "the one". Personality trait "clashes" be damned.

    I'm not saying this is the direct cause of the growing rate of divorce. I literally have no research to back this up. This is, like msa2388 said, just a theory. It could be a factor, though, that if a couple tends to rely on sex a little too much, the intimacy of a relationship may very well vanish. I'm guessing some couples only realize this well after marriage, which is tragic.

    I'm a 27 year old virgin because, well, sex is something I hold dearly sacred. I need to be sure that the person I'm creating that bond with is "the one", or someone truly special. As of now, I have yet to meet this person.

    So, in response to the OP, please make sure this is something you're doing to try and get to know this girl on an intimate level, well before sex is involved. Don't fall into the trap of "casual sex".
     
    DKR likes this.
  11. Hero One

    Hero One Fapstronaut

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    I have to agree with those who have advised against it. While it's completely normal to desire physical intimacy with a real person, doing so on a casual basis is not going to benefit your progress.

    In this case, beyond the emotional implications of casual sex (which in my experience never end well for one or both parties) it seems like you're using sex as another way to get the buzz you feel from porn. Like using casual sex as a masturbation aid, if you will.

    You won't get in control of your desire and over your addiction this way. Youll just add another hurdle to navigate. Sex isn't casual, ever. It has lasting effects psychologically. Just like pornography does.

    Whatever you choose to do, we're here for you, and all the best.
     
    Last edited: Jul 21, 2015
  12. msa2388

    msa2388 Fapstronaut

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    I'll second this by saying that casual sex can absolutely be part of this addiction. I think we're closely related to sex addicts and I think there's a very big grey area between the two. I've wandered into that grey area and hurt some people in the process (and hurt myself a good bit too). It's not a road you want to go down.
     

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