Should I tell my family?

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by KingRecover17, Jan 20, 2015.

  1. KingRecover17

    KingRecover17 Fapstronaut

    667
    354
    63
    Hey I'm not sure if I should tell my family and friends about my Porn addiction simply because things won't be the same and if I tell them they might look at me completely different and they won't truth me when I'm alone. Also to be honest with y'all I want to just overcome Porn addiction by myself and tell them about my addiction later in life but I don't know if that's efficient. I would like to have some feedback. Also can someone please hit me up I need a accountability partner A.S.A.P. Thanks
     
  2. mijereah

    mijereah Fapstronaut

    224
    10
    18
    King,

    I have struggled with this same issue. I have not told my family members mainly because I often wonder what the true outcome would be. Like you said, I sometimes wonder if it would be the same whether I told them or not. We can never be sure unless you tell someone. I think the real question your asking is..should I be vulnerable with someone. My encouragement to you is to think of a few ppl in your life who you can be vulnerable to. It may not make a difference if you tell them or not, but believe me, it will do something positive. Nobody close to me knows that I am addicted to porn, but I believe if I told one of them the results would not be negative.
     
    KingRecover17 likes this.
  3. KingRecover17

    KingRecover17 Fapstronaut

    667
    354
    63
    Dam man I really appreciate your advice I mean too man. I just hope that one day we can tell someone about our addiction besides the people on this website. Thanks man.
     
  4. himmelstoss

    himmelstoss Fapstronaut

    966
    428
    63
    I'm not telling mine either. Even if it makes my dad wonder why I won't watch Archer with him (It has its moments but come on)
     
    KingRecover17 likes this.
  5. ziodeg

    ziodeg Fapstronaut

    15
    3
    3
    In my short experience ben confident with someone has ben the key of true motivation and control. Have a good journey!
     
    KingRecover17 likes this.
  6. NoBrainer

    NoBrainer Distinguished Fapstronaut

    2,184
    1,737
    143
    I haven't told my family either. I know they don't understand that PMO can be a legitimate addiction. I'm terrified that if I told them they would immediately judge me and an argument would quickly escalate. It's not even about the porn itself than it is the years of deceit.

    However I have told some of my close friends. Two of the five friends I told have been very understanding and supportive. I would suggest confiding in your close friends if you need someone to go to. They should be caring and supportive. They are your friends after all.
     
    KingRecover17 likes this.
  7. 011214

    011214 Fapstronaut

    60
    29
    18
    Hi Guys,

    This is definitely a difficult question. Often, when I'm writing here, I precede any advice by stating that everyone is on their own path. Our paths are all similar, in a lot of ways, but never identical.

    My own path has involved a lot of vulnerability, a lot of exposure, and a lot of letting go of the fear of what people will think of me. It still comes up even now, but I'm recognizing that my use of porn has always been intimately connected to my desire to come across in a certain way. I've always been the "nice guy". A bit quiet, and shy, but well liked. Trying to maintain this "good" image all the time, required that I repress anything that made me feel ashamed or not quite perfect. This meant that my use of pornography had to be kept a secret at all cost.

    Secrecy, for me, was a big part of the problem, and it made it seem impossible to quit.

    Fifteen years went by like this. My involvement with porn varied quite a bit, but it kept coming up. Relationships never worked out, I failed to follow my dreams, and my core beliefs about my value as person continued to degenerate.

    It's now been a year since I quit porn. This past year has been like nothing I've ever experienced before. It has been excruciating and terrifying but also the most crucial year of my life. I am only now becoming the man I've always wanted to be. One of the keys to this has been completely abandoning the notion that I can in any way control what people think of me.

    Like everyone, I've always been desperate to be loved. My core belief was always that I needed to be the perfect guy in order to be loved. But I've never been the perfect guy. Trying to keep that a secret, trying to maintain some control on how I'm perceived by my partners, my family, and my friends, has only made my imperfections take up more and more space in my hidden identity.

    The best way, I've found, to move away from unhealthy behavior, is to stop pretending it doesn't exist. You need to be loved for who you are, not just the carefully controlled image you present.

    It's not easy, but when the shit hit the fan, just over a year ago, I was devastated. My partner now knew all my secrets -- all of them. And so did her family, and so did her friends, and so did my family, and so did my friends. The thought of that might make your stomach feel sick. It did for me. But then I also felt relieved. I no longer had to pretend. I no longer had any secrets.

    For a whole year I've been continually making peace with the idea of surrender. I am not my reputation. Nobody is. When we stop being afraid that we only deserve love if we keep our secrets secret and share only our virtues, we become free to be authentic. When we are authentic, we are able to bring everything to the surface. Nothing needs to remain hidden because anything that's coming up is coming up to be healed.

    The part of you that you don't want them to know about is a part of you that is deeply needing love and acceptance. It is the little boy that first encountered shame and that has, ever since, been shoved into a closet out of sight, because you, like all of us, were afraid that his presence would make you undeserving of love. You need to let him out. He doesn't deserve to be there. He needs love.

    You don't know how people will react. It's true. But your true friends will always support you. There's a very good chance that more than one of your male friends deal with the same thing. One of the moments I am most grateful for in all of this was one I called up one of my closest friends. I had hit rock bottom and wasn't sure if my relationship was going to survive. Everything was so fresh and I was devastated. I called him and told him everything. I cried. I opened up. I told him about the part of me that had remained secretly in the shadows for half my life. I knew that he would still accept me, that he wouldn't judge me, and that he would even support me, but what I wasn't expecting was that he would share with me how for the previous two years of his marriage he had been struggling with the same thing. He invited me to join the support group he was attending, he told me about a counselor he had seen, and he and I immediately formed a committed attention to remain accountable to one another.

    I would not be where I am today without this friend. He has been instrumental in my recovery.

    Family is tricky. They may respond perfectly and express only love and concern and support. Or they may themselves feel ashamed. If they feel ashamed, DO NOT TAKE IT ON! It is there own shame.

    Remember this: guilt is a healthy feeling that tells you you've done something wrong. Shame is the belief that you ARE something wrong. It is a lie.

    Remember this: You are fully deserving of real, deep, vulnerable love. Shame is a lie. Porn is a lie. You deserve the truth.

    As I said at the beginning of all this (which has become much longer than I intended). Everyone is on their own path. The friend I mentioned has only ever told his partner, myself, and the individuals in his support group. His experience with sobriety has also been different than mine. There is no one close to me who does not now know this about me. That also means that they are now that much closer to me.

    Be brave. Be committed. Come to understand your false beliefs, particularly around what makes you valuable as a person, and heal them with the truth.

    Feel free to message me privately if you want to talk further.

    Being here, is a great start. You deserve this.
     
  8. IGY

    IGY Guest

    Thank you NoBrainer. Generally, I am in favour of disclosing this problem (as I have done). However, your observation is spot on. Namely, "It's not even about the porn itself than it is the years of deceit."

    It is encouraging to hear that you have got a couple of good, supportive friends you can go to about this. I think the best type of accountability you can have is face-to-face. What happened with the three you told that were not supportive?
     
    KingRecover17 likes this.
  9. NoBrainer

    NoBrainer Distinguished Fapstronaut

    2,184
    1,737
    143
    Lol, I got that quote from you! ;)

    Well, their lack of support was due to a lack of understanding. One guy is a good friend of mine, but he was non-chalant about the whole thing, and almost disbelieving that I had given it up. Another guy had just never had a problem with porn since his parents filtered his internet from a young age. And one or two girls I told back when I was in the contemplative phase of my addiction were too embarrassed to talk about it. One did say she'd watched porn before, but she gave off the aura that you had to be a fucked up kind of person to get addicted to it. That person doesn't have a whole lot of respect for me anyway. :/
     
    KingRecover17 likes this.
  10. IGY

    IGY Guest

    Hilarious - no wonder it resonated with me - it bloody originated with me, hahaha! :D

    I suppose those reactions are a fairly typical cross-section of others' opinions. Perhaps it is unusual for someone to volunteer the fact that they are addicted to masturbation and pornography. Why did you disclose this to several people. Do you think or have come to now if they have gossiped about it and you are now known for it among other peers?
     
    KingRecover17 likes this.
  11. NoBrainer

    NoBrainer Distinguished Fapstronaut

    2,184
    1,737
    143
    Hahaha, yep! :D

    Well the three who lacked the empathy to be supportive, I told when I was still in the contemplative phase of my addiction. I knew that porn was somehow ruining my life, but I had no idea how to fight it, let alone I should even stop... I went to them to see if my behavior was somehow normal and if I could justify it somehow. I found no justification from that conversation.

    The other three I have told just on my latest streak. One when I was at 30 days, one at 70 days and one just recently. Generally they were more supportive when I told them I'd been fighting hard to stop PMO. One guy was very empathic with my year long struggle, describing it as "a constant battle".
     
    KingRecover17 likes this.
  12. KingRecover17

    KingRecover17 Fapstronaut

    667
    354
    63
    I appreciate all of the feedback from you guys it means alot to me it really does.
     
  13. ritani

    ritani Fapstronaut

    27
    1
    8
    All I know is that if you live with your family, they probably already know about your porn use and if you told them, they would probably be more supportive and understanding than you'd expect. But you all know your own family better than us so use your own judgment. It's great that you're even considering it. Kudos to you.
     
    KingRecover17 likes this.
  14. Rl886

    Rl886 Fapstronaut

    19
    1
    3
    Me I'm kind of going through the same thing. But I suggest not telling them because they may look at you different, and hey I maybe wrong. But either way their your parents, they'll still love you no matter what. #stayfapfree
     
    KingRecover17 likes this.
  15. KingRecover17

    KingRecover17 Fapstronaut

    667
    354
    63
    Yea I'm not gonna tell my family imma keep it to myself. I always follow my heart and it's saying not to tell them. I also failed to mention is that I have a friend who is basically my accountability partner which helps me out alot and helps me keep going. One good thing is that I have been having better social skills in my opinion despite all the negative effects of Porn. The sad thing is that I'm feeling tempted right now and man it's really tough because I one click away from watching BUT I'm handling it by going to sleep, well I have to sleep anyway because I have school in the morning thank God!
    #Day4
     
  16. bandanana

    bandanana Fapstronaut

    181
    48
    28
    This is actually a really important question personally, considering I haven't admitted to anyone of my family of either my addiction or involvement here.

    However, having been caught by my siblings and my parents PMOing many years back (by accident and not simultaneously LOL) I'd assume this wouldn't be a huge surprise for them.
     
    KingRecover17 likes this.
  17. monkotto

    monkotto Fapstronaut

    924
    130
    43
    try to stop by yourself.

    if that does not work you can speak with your family.

    only my best friend knows about my struggle with sex- and pornaddiction.

    read many posts in this forum. for me that was the best medicine - to learn from other fapstronauts. how they defeated this damn addiction.

    ask questions here. find help here. good luck.
     
    KingRecover17 likes this.
  18. diesel2256

    diesel2256 Fapstronaut

    156
    143
    43
    On my first attempt, I told my dad that I was quitting (about 20 days in). His response was along the lines of "good for you" And that was it. We haven't spoken about it since. However, it was a great weight off my own shoulders.

    The last person I told was a girl that I've been seeing for the last month. She started giving me shit about how I kept slowing things down during sex. So I told her why it was an intense experience for me. She was actually pleasantly surprised and said "I'm all for it!" Overall, women seem to really appreciate the fact that you're not fantasizing about others.
     
    KingRecover17 likes this.
  19. KingRecover17

    KingRecover17 Fapstronaut

    667
    354
    63
    I was thinking that too man with me trying to beat the addiction by yourself first and if that doesn't work I will tell someone
     
  20. thatguy05-2-16

    thatguy05-2-16 New Fapstronaut

    3
    1
    3
    It depends on your judgement on how they will react. I have been fighting and relapsing for about 6 months and I just told my dad. He has heard about the addictive nature of today's porn, but he still kind of walked away like he was weirded out and didn't want to talk about it. I don't blame him, like most parents they come from a time when those who watched porn were only thirteen year old pervs or the creepy old guy down the street. Porn back then wasn't as pervasive, addictive, or life ruining as it is today so they might just be disappointed and see you differently. I would recommend seeing a therapist because it can't be done by yourself most of the time but also telling my dad just made it awkward.
     
    KingRecover17 likes this.

Share This Page