1. Welcome to NoFap! We have disabled new forum accounts from being registered for the time being. In the meantime, you can join our weekly accountability groups.
    Dismiss Notice

Should I tell my girlfriend about my relapse?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Shy_1990, Apr 5, 2019.

  1. Shy_1990

    Shy_1990 Fapstronaut

    150
    122
    43
    So i just started on my mission to quit porn and uncontrolled masturbation. My girlfriend was the reason I got started. I just couldnt get an erection without extreme porn.
    But weve had an open talk about everything including the porn I watch and shes helping me through it. It was only last night she was over and installing software on my phone and pc to block porn and notify her if I try (i asked for this).

    Anyway, on day 5 I had a relapse after standing behind a girl at gym in super tight yoga pants (its one of my main porn triggers). I went and had a wank in the toilet. Obviously im pretty ashamed of myself. But should I tell my gf about my relapse?
    Would she want to know?
    What do you think?
     
  2. Yes. Tell her. Trust me, I wish my SO would’ve told me right away so I could reacted, asked my questions, and got closure to move on.

    Personally, leaving is never my reaction to a slip/reset/relapse but leaving is my reaction to lying.
     
  3. Shy_1990

    Shy_1990 Fapstronaut

    150
    122
    43
    Thank you. Yes ill tell her today. Its just really embarrassing.
     
    Butterfly1988 likes this.
  4. You’re making the right choice and I’m proud of you :)

    It would be more embarrassing would be getting caught, believe me!
     
  5. The right choice, good work. Yes it is hard and embarrassing but it's the right thing to do.
     
  6. boilerball123

    boilerball123 Fapstronaut

    I will affirm this as well. If she is trying to help you through this, you need to be honest with her so she can give you what you need to come out on the other side.
     
  7. Shy_1990

    Shy_1990 Fapstronaut

    150
    122
    43
    Hi deannab106
    I don't mean to bother you, but I was hoping to gain the perspective of someone who is a partner to a p addict and a woman.
    I followed your advice and told my partner about my relapse with masturbation at the gym (no porn because she has blocking software on my phone and pc). Anyway she has a way of asking hard questions and there were some really embarrassing answers that I had to give and its hard to even type this but it broke me a bit and I actually cried infront of her. Is this going to be even more harmful to how she sees the relationship or even how she sees me?
    what do you think?
     
  8. I realize your question was directed towards @deannab106 but as a PA's wife, I wanted to say that, as long as you were honest with your answers to her questions, I don't believe the truth could ever be more harmful than lies. The truth may hurt sometimes, and it might not be what you hoped the truth would be, but it will never be worse than lying. Ever.

    There may be times when you rationalize it in your mind...convincing yourself that you're protecting her from the painful truth by lying. But, in the long run, it's very likely she'll find out eventually anyway, and not only will it hurt her 10 times more than if you'd have been honest to start, she'll never believe you were trying to protect her by lying. She will know the only one you were looking out for was yourself, and the damage will be exponentially worse.

    I think it's great that you were honest with her about your relapse.
     
  9. Shy_1990

    Shy_1990 Fapstronaut

    150
    122
    43
    Thank you for the support hope4healing. It is hard on so many levels but the approach I'm taking of just completely opening myself up will hopefully work in the long run. One of my main concerns was that I completely broke when she was asking me about the relapse and I just started crying infront of her.
    Do you think her seeing me crying like that is a negative for the recovery of our relationship?
     
    hope4healing likes this.
  10. samnf1990

    samnf1990 Fapstronaut

    400
    668
    93
    Being emotionally vulnerable is important. It shows that you regret your actions, it shows that you are ashamed and that you wish to change. I have cried in several discussions with my wife during my NoFap journey, both after resets/relapses and in processing my years of this behaviour in the light of my current views on PMO. Using P shields you from your own emotions. Without it you will be more in tune with them. Sharing your emotional journey is important.

    What I will also say is that crying or putting on an emotional scene in order to distract from your misbehaviour is gaslightling and manipulative. It sounds to me like your tears were genuine and a case of opening up and being emotionally honest about your situation. You don't want to hide parts of yourself from your partner: this is what you did with the PMO and the dishonesty is hurtful. Don't hide your emotions from her. But equally, don't use them as a tool to manipulate her.
     
    Susannah and Butterfly1988 like this.
  11. Shy_1990

    Shy_1990 Fapstronaut

    150
    122
    43
    Thank you for your support samnf, it really helps when I come on here and read all the nice things people say. This has to be one of the friendliest website I've been on.

    In regards to gas lighting my girlfriend, I totally understand what you are saying and I completely agree. The thing about her is she doesn't suffer fools and she has handled this situation with class. Although I don't put up every tiny detail of our interaction on this website, I will say that it hasn't been smooth sailing all the way. Ive resisted and fought her on some things and she knows that there is a time to be the ice queen and there is a time for compassion, love and caring. She has put me in my place a few times on the porn issue. Rest assured, if she thought my crying wasn't true vulnerability and raw emotion I wouldn't have got the hugs and compassion that she gave me at the time.
     
    hope4healing likes this.
  12. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    842
    2,515
    143
    First, congrats on being honest, you are a million times a head of a lot of other addicts! Secondly, this is amazing to read. You are showing your emotions, being honest, and owning your actions, all which are part of recovery.

    She will see you as strong, brave, and hopefully be admiring your efforts. She seems like a good gf who wants to support you, which means through the ups and downs. If you slip, tell her, own it, let her support you, come up with a game plan next time (i.e not going to work out at gyms, maybe getting some workout gear for home, or trying to find an all male gym, etc.) and keep moving forward.

    Take one day at a time!
     
  13. I agree with everyone’s comments on here! Congratulations for being honest with your SO! This is not just a sign of working for abstinence from P, but also recovery from all the bad mindsets and habits that you developed while using P as well!

    I also have a way of asking tough questions with my SO. He has definitely cried in front of me and sometimes I wish he cried more tbh.

    I think it’s going to be tougher before it gets easier, but you are in it for the long haul and setting yourself up for success.

    Well done!
     
    hope4healing likes this.
  14. Shy_1990

    Shy_1990 Fapstronaut

    150
    122
    43
    Th
     
  15. No, I don't think her seeing you cry will have a negative impact. In fact, I think it's very important that she sees you showing genuine emotions. Too many times, PA damages the ability to show emotion, and for an SO, it's very painful when the person you love is unable to show you their true feelings about anything because it comes across as they simply don't care. For you to let yourself be vulnerable and honestly show her how you're affected by all of this is a huge step forward in this process. Keep being honest and continue sharing your thoughts and feelings with her. That is the only way to repair/rebuild your relationship. IMO, there's no such thing as being too honest with her.
     

Share This Page