Should we just stop having sex?

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by blue is everywhere, Apr 19, 2020.

  1. blue is everywhere

    blue is everywhere Fapstronaut

    Here is a question I am asking myself:
    So, my partner is a reboot process. And he/we/I did take all kind of new measures, so he can hopefully REALLY kick it this time. New, stronger blockers. New, stronger boundaries on my side. New techniques of journaling for him.
    But I'm still asking myself: should we just stop having sex?
    I mean, I do have what one could call a "high" sex drive and I do love and want to have sex with him. Often. But is it possible, that it is not helping him/us in the reboot process? I'm just scared that if we stop having sex, then it would be like a "punishment" for me, not having the possibility to get satisfied in that way, because of something I'm not responsible for. I actually really don't want to. But if would really help the process, I guess I would do it anyway. Because the mist important thing to me is getting him healed. I just want him to stop being addicted. So if he can achieve that through me putting my sexual needs aside... I guess I'll do it.
    Just wanted to know what you guys think about this.
  2. We don't know your situation. I think the only way you can help him is to visit a psychologist or sexuologist and start a therapy. New blockers,boundaries etc. won't solve his problem with emotions and yours relationship issues. Sorry. It is not that simple. I don't think stop having sex is a good idea, but he can't think about porn during this or treat it like a stress relief activity.
  3. engelman

    engelman Fapstronaut

    Maybe it's counterproductive in the beginning. If you both can, wait until the 2nd month or, even better, 3rd month.
  4. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

    Any good csat will advise 90 days hard reboot. By that, no sex, he can’t even see you naked. I was against this for the very reasons you stated, high sexual drive, punishment to me, etc. well , 4-5 months in my husband asked me to do the hard mode because the chaser was making it very difficult for him to stay clean. So, we did. Only made it 52 days, but then again 50 days. We are careful about when we have sex, now. It helped my husband tremendously( his words). He’s been clean a little over a year. I totally get why you don’t want to do it. Been there. It was more important to me that my husband get/stay clean than having sex. After the hard mode we tried Karezza and we both like that as well.
    engelman likes this.
  5. Motorcyclewife

    Motorcyclewife Fapstronaut

    My husband and I just started a hard reset after 100 days clean for him. He said that he was edging and slipping a lot, and he began to start lying and hiding things again. He also violated a huge boundary that I established early on. I was against it in the beginning, but since the issues we had a few days ago, I had no problems being on board with it now. I think only you can truly know what is best for your relationship. Wishing you the best!
    engelman likes this.
  6. So I can only speak for myself, but in my experience, abstaining from PMO would be a million times harder if I couldn't have sex with my spouse. I'm not saying it can't be helpful for anybody, but for me I can't see how that would possibly make anything easier.
    stegiss likes this.
  7. ack. same for me. I failed several times trying to go 90 days without sex _and_ PMO; In such case, you get further when you just have a normal sex life but no PMO.
    It seems to help some people here though, but don't forget that the husband will also want sex and sometimes PMO is easier to get than sex. Therefore, for some people, hard mode might not be possible. If he suffers from chaser effect, consider having sex several days in a row or simply be close and caress each other. Both helps for me.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  8. Yeah, sex with my spouse also reminds me of what I'm fighting for.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  9. shit, I wish this were the kind of thinking going on in my particular situation.

    seems like all sex does anymore is trigger anxiety, give him an excuse to relapse later the same day and then reinforce said fears that I'm unattractive, yesterday's news, boring or just not worth the effort.

    giant emo sigh. :*(
  10. Is this something he actually says, or are you just assuming that's how he feels?
  11. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

    Yes, we went through this phase. Sex made it more difficult for him afterwards, he’d have huge cravings ( chaser) which then would make be anxious. We both started to want to avoid sex, lol. However, we have better tools for him to handle the after sex chaser when it occurs so done of the anxiety is gone now.
    Deleted Account and rostronaut like this.

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