Shoutout To My Ex

"Shout out to my ex
Gotta say thanks for the stress,
If not I'd have never left
Then never been blessed with my next, ayy" - Andy Mineo Legend



I found a moment to sit back and reflect on my past, in a healthy way. Having a rough upbringing is always hard but the way you deal with it can either help you or harm you, however it will never define you. A lot of us have chosen to deal with it by seeking the things we yearned most through porn. In speculating this I noticed how porn became my source of love; I let it suffice because it'd never abandon me, but the physical consequences and the blighting of my character wasn't worth all the love in the world.

Porn became my girlfriend, I'd run to her when I needed to deal with anything and kick it with her even when things were going great. But when you're giving yourself to something that can't give back to you, you'll eventually run out. And when you try to leave, when your body tells you "this isn't right" everytime you're sitting there, finished, with your dick in your hand feeling empty inside (if you're a female, despite the overstatement, I'm sure you feel this same emptiness.) I looked back and saw how much I gave, yet received nothing. All my time, taken, my energy depleted, my will destroyed. It left me hollow; it left me free to take on any form, any character, any identity...with so many options how could i not get lost..a ship without its captain will eventually wreck. Then one day I decided I wouldn't be taken from any more.

I cut my ties with her, and those soul devouring habits...I didn't know though, that the only one empowering her was me. She came back again and again trying to build me up, saying things just to gas me up (fill me up), even tearing me down to comeback to her. I won't lie I fell for it sometimes, after all I had invested so much into her...I was constantly reminded though that she wasn't feeding on me, I was feeding myself to her. My fire and anger burned even more as I fought to get away from my ex. I got a taste of power and began to get my spirit back, but then she came back around..calling me at midnight seeing if I'd come to her and fool around....and that's when I did it. I stripped her of its name. I no longer acknowledged it as an entity worthy of my time, energy, nor love. Whatever that fowl being was I exorcised it from myself and banished it from my presence. I would not be a victim to that thing anymore, it could rot in hell an eternity for all I care!...

I still find myself missing that feeling..losing hope that my phone would ever buzz to the sound of someone needing to give themselves to me. It hurts when I think about what I had taken from me, looking back I still feel that wound..of lies, of fraudulent love.....nowadays though it hurts a lot less. I see days differently, time seems to slow down to a halt and I am beginning to feel again. I've met people who give me pieces of themselves showing me how good the taste of actual companionship is..giving myself is still a work in progress but I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know I am no longer bound, thank God, I am no longer bound. In the distance there is a cute redhead waiting there. I see nothing but her back and that hair that dances around like flames..she's at the end of the tunnel there, waiting for me...