Sick of feeling like this

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by Idontevenknowanymore, Nov 25, 2014.

  1. Idontevenknowanymore

    Idontevenknowanymore Fapstronaut

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    Hi

    If I were to tell my backstory, this thread would become a wall of text, and since I can't be bothered to write it out, and nobody would probably want to read that much, I'll try to be very brief about my situation. I am 27 years old and has PMO since age 14 when I discovered P through a friend who had obtained it elsewhere. Not a unique story by any means.

    I am lethargic, unmotivated, have anxiety, depression, all kinds of sexual dysfunctions, and I feel like a zombie.

    I am utterly disgusted with P at this point. What keeps me coming back to it is pure withdrawal. I get a tightness in the scrotum and a pressure that is relieved when I PMO. I also get restless and my mind races. This is relieved when I PMO. I feel like this completely controls me, after years of habit.
    The tightness and pressure, sometimes burning feeling is unbearable. The relief lasts a day, maybe two, then I am overcome with it again. I also feel soothed watching the P. It has become an escape for me. I have a history with drug and alcohol use but I have given those up completely. I guess this is my last source of getting dopamine hits, that's why it's so hard. And it's also the addiction that was established first.

    I set up a counter. My first goal is to make it a week. I have been able to reduce my PMO habit to every other day. Even then I feel the lethargy get so much worse after "indulging".

    I will come back here and try to write updates. Right now I just needed some kind of accountability to motivate me to reach my first goal, and to make it harder to fall into temptation. I have also installed K9 to filter away adult content.

    Nice to meet you all and I wish you all the best of success, whatever your goals are.
     
  2. Personal Freedom

    Personal Freedom Fapstronaut

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    Congratulations on taking the step. There's a lot of really good resources around here, so explore. Hope it goes well for ya!
     
  3. dinydiny

    dinydiny Fapstronaut

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    Nice to meet you pal, What you have written best describes me to. Your not alone man!!
     
  4. Finalfight123

    Finalfight123 Fapstronaut

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    I started when I was quite young also. But remember that the decisions we make are the ones we make. regardless of how you feel if theres something you want to do don't fool yourself and say well I'm only on day 1 once I'm on day 10 I'll feel better. The only way things work is if everyday you try to be the best version of yourself. Remember we are always on day zero. We are always on high alert to make sure everything runs smoothly.

    I always tell myself when I get an urge or flashback that its what my brain wants and not what I want. Just if you tell yourself not to do something don't do it. once you cross the threshold of watch a video or type a name into the search or watch a triggering video non porn related than its very easy to go down that slippery slope.

    Just learn to enjoy this journey. It will last forever really and even though we make goals and small ones the end goal is truly forever. But just start the day the same and end the same p free.

    Forget the goals forget the days forget all that none of it matters. Just the belief that you will overcome this and become the best possible version of yourself. Good luck see you around.
     
  5. Idontevenknowanymore

    Idontevenknowanymore Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for the encouragement! It is good to know that there are other people than myself who also want to gain freedom from this bad habit.

    I've watched some videos on YouTube about this subject, and some people seem to go all in on this. I've read incredible stories about people who had flatlined, and after two years, they have recovered and feel normal.

    At the same time I have read that indefinite semen retention can have negative consequences. This has made me decide at least in the beginning to find a middle road, for M and O that is. P must go, no doubt about it.
    I don't mean to incite any confusion, but for my personal development, this will be the goal: To completely eliminate pornography from my life in all shapes and forms, and to reduce my ejaculation frequency to once a week, eventually once every 14 days.

    In the past, I have occasionally been able to reach 7 days and even more rarely, 14 days. The latter can't have happened more than maybe three times in my life, which is frightening to think about: Since starting P(MO always accompanied it, but I started MO at age 11), I have never gone without it for more than 14 days... ever.

    The times when I have been able to abstain for that long was when I was in a relationship, because at one point it was long distance. At that time, I guess my P habits had not cemented into my nervous system that much. I got my dopamine fix from sex with my girlfriend at that time, which at the long distance time was usually once every 7 days or once every 14 days.
    The break up was very hard for me and I self medicated in many ways. PMO was one. This was when I feel it became an addiction. The break up happened 5, maybe 6 years ago and just got worse and worse. I eventually lost all desire to pursue a relationship. I just became apathetic to it and had no drive whatsoever.

    Because I have seen the greatest improvement after 7 days of abstinence, that is going to be my first goal. Apparently, this is when the testosterone level reaches its peak.
    As I mentioned, I want to eliminate P completely. So when I will MO, I will try to do it without any fantasy, to only focus on the tactile experience. Maybe I can re-train my sexuality this way to have new associations.

    I don't know, I'm just ranting here. This is new and scary to me in so many ways, so I guess I'm thinking/planning out loud... I've kicked many habits before but this has always been that one where I've thought "It's not THAT bad anyway" and rationalized that it'd be okay. "I got to have something, right?", that was the attitude. No wonder I never got anywhere with it.

    Anyway, I appreciate input and hearing other peoples experiences. Particularly if anybody has any input as to how day 7 and day 14 feel relative to each other. If anybody have the same observations. The few times I approached day 14, I always caved in because I would flatline completely. "Got to check if it still works". Of course it did, and the mistake I always made was checking with P. Yep, and reading peoples experiences it turns out I'm not the first. Which in a way is comforting.

    Thanks for "listening", and for being friends in this fight.
     
  6. Personal Freedom

    Personal Freedom Fapstronaut

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    Sounds like you've already put a lot of thought into this. That's good. Knowing where you are is good, and that self-awareness can really help you.

    I'm at 7 days, and today was hard. Serious resurgence of a lot of urges, until I actually caught myself forgetting that I wasn't supposed to be watching porn, and almost clicking some links that I saw, like my fingers were moving on their own. Tamped down, worked through the tricks, but I'm sure 14 is going to be hard as hell, too.
     
  7. Idontevenknowanymore

    Idontevenknowanymore Fapstronaut

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    I'm having some bad mood swings. What I usually do is self medicate with PMO because it puts me in a different mindset and focuses me on what I see on the screen. I guess it's the overwhelming effect of the brain being assaulted with new images all the time that keeps the adrenline going.

    I think there's a lot to what some people talk about as in "shifting your state", altered states in general. P snaps you out of whatever you're trying to escape. Then you have the focused state of mind during M and the release of tension with the O. It's a hard drug in that regard.

    I am going to allow myself to be angry, sad, worked up or disappointed. I am going to tell myself: "This is how I feel right now. It is okay to feel like this right now, because the alternative is not worth it".

    I don't know, just ranting again. But I think it's healthy to feel what those emotions are like and not find a new escape. We have to learn to deal with them sooner or later, or we will just jump from escape to escape.
    I think I'm going to go for 14 days, not 7. And P has to go for good anyway, that's already settled. I have made up my mind. I am so sickened by it at this point, so disgusted. I am sick of what it has done to the way I view women. Each time after I had PMO'd, I feel completely drained of energy, motivation, I feel disgusted with myself for fueling the fire of that industry that consumes not just those who participate in it(the actors and actresses), but also the consumers.

    Just got to white-knuckle it until it's all over, because the end result will be so worth it! Hope you're all hanging in there. We will make it!
     
  8. Personal Freedom

    Personal Freedom Fapstronaut

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    You're not ranting. You're absolutely right. It is healthy to feel and understand your emotions. Why are you angry? Why are you sad? Your brain may be trying to tell you that it wants you to change something. If your foot was hurting, would you take off your boot and see if there's a rock inside? Or would you give yourself a shot of morphine to numb the pain?

    You can do this. You know that. You just have to do it.
     
  9. KrmGrn

    KrmGrn Fapstronaut

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    Keep going. You're stronger than the voices and the desires in your head.

    I became addicted to masturbating when I was 12 and I'm 37 now. That's a 25 year habit (which is crazy when I think about it). I've also suffered from depression to varying degrees since I was a kid. I can definitely say that kicking your addictions will make a huge difference in how you feel. Two months ago I kicked caffeine and now I'm 11 days off porn and masturbation. And I feel amazing. Calm, happy, focused, energized. I wish I had been feeling this way all these years. So don't wait to deal with this. Kick your addictions now. You'll enjoy life a whole lot more.
     
  10. dcchristopher

    dcchristopher Fapstronaut

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    You can do it friend. We believe in you. Something that has been powerful for me in this journey has been to

    #1 Find out/Ask myself what my real motive or reason for doing this is?

    #2 Accept responsibility for the way I feel. Recognize that I am responsible for the circumstances I am in and I have the power to change it. I am the only one who can change it.... This one can be kinda tough, because it requires self examination and acceptance.... Just remember that you are not a bad person and have done nothing wrong. You are just recognizing it's time to heal and we heal together.

    Blessings,
     
  11. Idontevenknowanymore

    Idontevenknowanymore Fapstronaut

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    My counter now says 2 days and 14 hours since last PMO. As expected, I've felt some cravings today. But I've made good use of the Nofap emergency, which I have bookmarked. I am so thankful for it!

    I'm going to white-knuckle through this. It's the only way. The cravings have to be dealt with and I have to consciously write new associations in my mind for them to eventually subside. The only way out is through!

    In some cultures, the seminal fluid is considered to be the "life force essence". I think in taoism, the ultimate victory is to satisfy the woman while retaining your semen. There seems to be a division though, between those who advocate indefinite semen retention, and those who advocate regulated ejaculations.

    I think the latter makes most sense to me, and it's what I'm going for. Once every 14 days(without P or fantasy of course) unless I find a woman to marry. I am not going to have any more premarital sex. That is just my personal opinion and preference, and I do not judge anyone with a different preference. I think it's good that people who are of different beliefs can get together here over the things we have in common, without letting the things we disagree on cause any division.

    Thank you all just for being here. Just knowing there are others in the same situation who also have had enough and want to get rid of this bad habit is encouraging!
     
  12. Idontevenknowanymore

    Idontevenknowanymore Fapstronaut

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    So, I caved in and PMO'd shortly after that last post... what a joke.

    Well, I just started over again. That's all you can do. Now the counter says 3 days and 2 hours since last PMO. I can feel the urge but there's not the intense stress in the body or the burning feeling in the perineum area and tight scrotum.

    As long as that doesn't happen, I can deal with the rest very well.

    Hope everybody else are doing good. I don't care how many times I stumble, I will make it through. My mind is set.
     
  13. One Punch Luc

    One Punch Luc Fapstronaut

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    You can make it mate! I have relapsed about six times since I began, so I know how it feels, but we can make it through! Just place your thoughts on anything other than porn and you'll find the urges will be easier to handle. Never feel discouraged, we all give in on our first tries, just keep going, and since your mind is set I'm sure you will make it.

    Good luck!
     
  14. Idontevenknowanymore

    Idontevenknowanymore Fapstronaut

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    Well at least I am moving forward. Now my counter says 3 days and 18 hours.

    Yesterday was pretty bad, but I made it! Today so far has been very good. I feel calm, focused and balanced: The qualities that are contrary to that of what you get with PMO. I know the withdrawals will return at one point, but I know that this calm focus is the reward at the end. When I have kicked this habit, I can feel like that all the time! It is the normal state of mind for the un-addicted person.

    I want that, and I am going to keep moving towards it.
     
  15. Idontevenknowanymore

    Idontevenknowanymore Fapstronaut

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    4 days and 3 hours since last PMO at this time. It's very long since I went for that long! So that's positive.

    Today, I haven't had much cravings in the true sense of the word. It's more the general feeling of emptiness, the need to "have the buttons in my brain pushed" so to speak. I feel the desire for "hit the spot" kind of drugs like nicotine and opiates, which I abused in the past. You know, when you take those drugs it's like flicking a switch and you're instantly okay.

    In the past, I spent so much willpower and strenght to kick those habits, and I'm not going to replace PMO with those again. This is why I HAVE to learn to deal with stuff. My brain is in panic mode, just wants something to take my mind off of the emptiness. That is exactly the source of the addiciton! The emptiness is something that must be faced. You must be IN it and learn to have peace there, as absurd as it sounds.

    I'm rambling again.

    Unfortunately, I'm self-medicating with sugar and calories. Soda, chocolate, and I love french cheeses, so I eat a lot of salty crackers with that.
    I know it's just another way to push the buttons that are not being pushed by PMO.

    I guess I can't conquer all at once. I remember quitting nicotine, it was the same. Sugar, calories, salt and cheese. But I was able to stop abusing food once the nicotine withdrawals were over, so I'm not too worried.

    Just ranting here. I might update tomorrow. I look forward to seeing if my mood is different when I wake up tomorrow.
     
  16. asterix

    asterix Fapstronaut

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    I've tried mindfulness which helps somewhat as well. It helps me maintain a mindset over the urges to fap. It brings a sense of awareness that the fapping urge is my mind running on autopilot.
     
  17. Idontevenknowanymore

    Idontevenknowanymore Fapstronaut

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    Report:

    My last relapses have been a stabilization more than progress, but there has not been much regression and that's the most important.

    When I contemplated on this monumental task(at least it was in my mind), I could only go one day. So I PMO'd every other day. Some times I PMO'd two days in a row and that's when the lethargy, apathy and nervousness/awkwardness would be the worst. I would feel catatonic and zone out, unable to concentrate.

    My last three streaks have been 4, 3 and 4 days, and I have noticed a lot of improvement as I approach 4 days. But this is also when despite the increase in energy, I feel jittery and restless in the body, sort of a burning sensation in the perineum and aching testicles.

    Today I was playing on the Playstation and could not even concentrate on something that mundane, as playing a video game. At that point of course, I justified a relapse. "Well I can't do anything feeling like this, not even escape with videogames" I thought to myself as I went on to the "relapse ritual" - resetting the counter, yelling at myself in frustration and then looking up the particular niche in P that lights up my brain.

    But that relapse ritual has also made it more complicated for me to relapse than it was, because I have to beat myself up over resetting the counter and losing the progress. If it hadn't been for that, the emergency button and all the resources by the brave, successful nofappers, I would never have made 4 days.

    As I went on to relapse, I knew what was coming, and yes, it was the same as always. After having browsed a few pictures, the jittery feeling started going away. After browsing a while I found the ideal image and went at it. The moment after release I felt disgust and emptiness. But also relieved of the pressure. But it's such a disgusting mix of satisfaction and disgust. It is this war going on inside me that also makes me want to quit, because I know that it is the real me, lost somewhere deep inside this mess, feeling disgust over it once the primal state of an addict had subsided, for the moment.

    It is this war within the self that reminds me what kind of struggle this is. I don't know what each person here believes, but I am a Christian so I have my opinion on this.
    But atheists, agnostics and people of all beliefs(or lack of beliefs) are here, and people from all these groups have come to the same realization: Mindlessly wasting your vitality over the images or videos of women objectified and exploited sexually, is disgusting and pathetic in so many ways!

    One aspect is the fact that you just mindlessly waste your vital essence over something that is not even real. That moaning and enthusiasm is all fake. Ex-porn stars talk about the horrible situation the actresses are in and how they are completely disrespected and mistreated by the producers. So when we PMO, we waste our semen over someones suffering. It's disgusting and pathetic.

    Women in real life don't like porn sex, not mentally healthy ones. Damaged women do, the same women who are lured into porn. And so many women today are psychologically damaged, for many reasons.
    They are made to believe that being abused is normal, and men have been twisted into wanting this.
    No mentally healthy woman want to be tossed around like a rag doll and violated by many men at once, etc... I don't even need to get more specifically into what they are doing. You know what it is, because many of you are here for that very same reason. At one point you thought "how did I get to this point where I have to watch this disgusting stuff to get off? What kind of person have I become?".

    The loss in relapse is so manifold, so multi-faceted. This I believe will bring each and every one of us closer to our goal. Because our minds are set on who we want to become.


    Rambling again... just needing to vent some frustration. Well, back on the NoFap train again!
     
    Last edited: Dec 14, 2014

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