Sick of this...really need support and advice

Past is past.
If you don't move on from it then its your MISTAKE.
Forget what happened with you in the past and try to make a better today and tomorrow.
Stop TV and movies cause they really affect our thinking badly and are one of the main reasons why we don't understand to differentiate between reality and imagination.
In your case, your thoughts that " I am really struggling to stop. I struggle with SSA and really I have fallen so so deep into this It feels like I can't get out. I hate this part of my life. It feels like the harder I try the harder I fall" this is what I believe a very destructive way of thinking about your life.
YOU MAKE YOUR LIFE. LIFE DOES NOT MAKE YOU!!!
STOP BULLSHITTING AND START WORKING (no offence)!!!
REALIZE YOUR DREAMS AND START WORKING ON THEM AS IF YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT!!!
START SMILING RATHER THAN BEING SAD. WHEN YOU WALK PUT YOUR HEAD UPSTRAIGHT RATHER THAN KEEPING IT DOWN!!!
IMPOSSIBLE IS ONLY IN YOUR HEAD, NOT IN YOUR REALITY!
MAKE UP A PLAN ABOUT WHAT YOU AND WHEN YOU AND START FOLLOWING IT RELIGIOUSLY!!!
YOU CAN ALWAYS DO IT WHATEVER THE CONDITIONS GIVEN!!!