since then...

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by starrieeyes, Dec 3, 2017.

  1. starrieeyes

    starrieeyes Fapstronaut

    65
    45
    18
    he says he wants to work on it... he asked me to help him delete his Twitter account (that's what he used to hide it from me)... he asked to put child restrictions on his phone... are these steps i should be taking for him? is this helping or just putting a pause on it? i mean, if he's an addict, he'll find a way and hide it from me like he has before. i have all the faith in the world for him, no one thinks he can do anything right... i asked him to prove me right and everyone else wrong... he wants this relationship, doesn't want to lose me. i'm afraid to leave him alone at home (he's not working right now). when i go to work, i stress about this... i even check his history (that's how i found out). i know i shouldn't, but something told me to... why? how? what?! him and i are VERY synced... it's weird. sorry i'm all over the place... i just needed to get it all out apparently. lol. thank you for reading... xoxo
     
  2. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

    208
    290
    63
    His requests are a good start. There would need to be active pursuit on things to replace this addiction. Treatment, getting on this site, new activities to take up the time/energy such as hobby, working out, reading/learning about how to conquer this addiction. Just removing the negative will not be enough. Have to add in positive. Do you see what I’m getting at?
     
  3. starrieeyes

    starrieeyes Fapstronaut

    65
    45
    18
    i understand completely what you're saying. he has a hobby (RC cars), but he can only do so much with it right now. there's Netflix and Hulu, but he can only watch so much of that. i just feel that there aren't many other options here and i don't know how to get him to take that step... i mentioned this site, he says he'll look into it. i want to believe him. he downloaded another search engine. should i be worried? he gets bored very easily. his trigger time is when i'm at work. i'm torn.
     
  4. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

    208
    290
    63
    Boredom seems to be an issue. He may be suffering from a bit of porn induced depression. How about walking? Taking cold shower. Both will help distract during urges.
     
  5. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Do all the restrictions.
    It's good for him, it is.
    My SO has them and he's a year and a half PM free.
    But blk45 is right... He also needs good habits to replace the bad.
    Good luck
    Feel free to ask any questions you may have.
     
    starrieeyes likes this.
  6. starrieeyes

    starrieeyes Fapstronaut

    65
    45
    18
    definitely sounds like that... i tell him to get out and take his RC car out and walk, but he says he doesn't have anywhere to go and he's seen everything around our neighborhood... we don't have a reliable car and i'm the only one with a license. and cold showers are his absolute least favorite... i can barely get him to turn it down when with him! lol. i don't know, i keep trying, but he seems to have an excuse... is there a point where i need to abstain from having sex with him? it would be punishing us both, wouldn't it be? i'm so confused.
     
    Deleted Account and Kenzi like this.
  7. lovebug_km

    lovebug_km Fapstronaut

    39
    66
    18
    He can still pick up new hobbies though. And he should if he's being serious about recovery. Excuses, in my opinion, are absolutely unacceptable. Walk further outside the neighborhood then. Or, do something else like exercising or cooking or reading ANYTHING really that has a positive focus. Also, about reading, my SO reads at least one article a day about PA and/or relationship building and then we talk about what he's learned that day. I find that helps a lot for me and it helps with the rewiring of his brain to not see P or M as something good.
     
  8. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Awesomeness @lovebug_km
     
  9. lovebug_km

    lovebug_km Fapstronaut

    39
    66
    18
    I guess I should've mentioned that the daily articles idea was 110% thanks to Kenzi and Rock Star!
     
    Deleted Account and Kenzi like this.
  10. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

    208
    290
    63
    Could he get some work nearby doing something? That would help because he sounds depressed.
     
    lovebug_km likes this.
  11. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    It's very helpful... It was part of Rock_Stars promise list for the first 6 months.
    Every day.
    Then once a week for another 6 months.
     
    Deleted Account and lovebug_km like this.
  12. From a PA's perspective--10 days new to NoFap / 6 months into major marriage meltdown from 20 years of porn addiction--your SO _must_ make it his new hobby to educate himself about PA.

    There are literally tens of hours, probably hundreds of hours of articles to read / YouTube videos to watch / books to read....they all will open up your SO to the reality of his porn addiction.

    Here's the catch: he needs to WANT to do that for himself .... and not just do it to make you happy or so you won't leave.

    It is perfectly fine and normal (and good) if he doesn't want you to leave -- but that can't be the driving reason he learns about PA.
     
  13. After re-reading my post .. I am going to soften it a little bit -- the thought/threat of losing you might very well drive him to research and educate himself about porn addiction. And maybe that is not too horrible ..... I think long-term, he needs to end up wanting to pursue the knowledge and understanding about porn addiction for himself - not just to make you happy.

    There's a fine line there .. and it is probably very hard to tell early on. But hopefully it is apparent in the long run.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  14. starrieeyes

    starrieeyes Fapstronaut

    65
    45
    18
    getting work for him is tough, there's something from his past haunting him and finding a job over the table is really hard... he's done construction, but he's 40 now and it's getting harder for him.
     
  15. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    If it's a driving thing, I might have a suggestion
     
  16. starrieeyes

    starrieeyes Fapstronaut

    65
    45
    18
    unfortunately, not a driving thing... i appreciate it though.
     
    Kenzi likes this.
  17. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    This would raise a red flag for me, personally.
     
    Kenzi likes this.
  18. Werka

    Werka Fapstronaut

    51
    114
    33
    This is the thing. To get better he has to get used to doing things he does not necessarily like or enjoy. It is about self-discipline - and A LOT of it. Before Dday my husband had been to the gym once (and he is 43), and he hated it. But he knew he had to start doing something, anything, to redirect the energy he was wasting on PMO. So he started going every day and he is OK with that. Yes, he has to force himself a bit, and yes, I guess it would be tempting to just stay in bed and fall back into old habits, but that's the thing - he made a conscious decision that he wants to change and if your one and only hobby is being stuck for hours on end in front of the computer screen, then anything else would seem like hard work.
    You say your boyfriend says he has seen the neighbourhood, but it's not about sightseeing, but about getting out of the comfort zone. Finding something new - there are things like gym, classes, hobbies, that may not be financially available to some, so everyone has to go with what they can afford. Running, a lot of creative stuff like drawing, writing, or redecorating the house, or the cold showers - these are things that can be done with little resources and just a bit of good will.
    I think an addict will find just about everything boring to begin with, compared to the dopamine boost he was getting from watching porn. And it may take a while, before he starts enjoying anything at all. But he has to be actively looking for things that will fill the void and he can't expect you to do it for him. All you can do is help him come up with suggestions and be encouraging but the hard work bit is totally on him. Good luck!
     
  19. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

    1,698
    3,785
    143
    My 70 year old mother just recently found a job in a week. Don't let him give you excuses.
     
    Kenzi and Werka like this.
  20. starrieeyes

    starrieeyes Fapstronaut

    65
    45
    18
    i asked him about it... he told me that Google doesn't work as well as the search engine that he downloaded does... i'm a little hesitant about it, but i give the benefit of the doubt... does he deserve it? probably not, but i have faith... should i not?
     

Share This Page