Sissification is the End of the Road For Me

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Yoojung Paik, May 30, 2017.

  1. Yoojung Paik

    Yoojung Paik Fapstronaut

    I'm writing this post to not only tell my story but also to reach out to those that have the same exact problem. I lurked around for posts about sissification addiction for a brief period of time and found that a lot of people have found this fetish to be especially "powerful" in its holding on them as an addiction and its nature to start destroying their lives through loss of self-esteem and depression. I've never written anything like this, it goes. I know I'm in a safe community that is supportive of each other to relinquish addictions. It's a long read, so feel free to skim it, or at the very least, read the last few paragraphs.

    I don't remember how I stumbled across something that aroused me, but it was when I was quite young - probably when I was 7 or 8. Of course, it was on the internet. I saw this YouTube video of two girls making out, and that was the introduction to my arousal. Sooner or later, I discovered how to masturbate and was doing it once to multiple times a day. During the summer when school was out, this frequency increased to even 5 times a day. In high school, I talked to a few of my closest guy friends the same age as me about doing this when I was younger and they related in doing the same. I thought of it as normal, and it was no problem, because as I got older, the frequency stopped. I brushed it all off as just a thing that happens in puberty.

    Looking back, though, I found myself to watch increasingly bizarre porn. I attribute this all to dopamine, of course, as many of you may know. Masturbation is very much like a drug, and as you do it more often, you tend to want more of it and a stronger dose of it in endeavor to reach that glorious high you experienced the first few times. As "normal" porn got boring, I started looking into categories that, well, society would consider to be "normal fetishes." Anal, feet, domination, submission, bondage, hentai, rape, latex, erotic asphyxiation, all that kind of stuff. I guess I was insidiously smart and cunning as a young kid from the age of 8-12 to start looking into this while keeping it a secret from my parents, sister, and brother.

    I found all of these categories to be boring and even looked into those "bizarre porn" sites that had fake snuff videos and just plain weird is-that-even-porn-anymore kind of stuff. I've since grown out of this and thought I saw it all. The thing is, despite watching all of these intense categories of porn, as dysfunctional as it seems, it never ruined all the other aspects of my life. I had a girlfriend in high school, got accepted into a university, was ambitious with fitness, and strived to better myself in every way imaginable - physically, emotionally, morally, socially, productively, etc.

    I'm prefacing my current addiction with all of this back story to paint the picture of the kind of stuff I let myself masturbate to since I was kid. Despite looking at all of that kind of porn, it never messed my life up. My confidence was through the roof, and I never let the porn control me. For years, especially towards the end of high school through college, I never had to watch porn. I had a couple of girlfriends in college and even had a reputation to be the best looking and most charismatic guy in my large social circle in college. A lot of my guy friends opened up to being envious of me in various ways, from my ambition, to my physique, to my philosophies on life, to my positive outlook on life, to my ability to weave through social situations - including socializing with girls - so easily.

    Fast forward to a couple of years after college. I had my own place and, as a result, found that I was able to spend a lot of time with myself without any obligation to having to see faces like I did in college due to dorm and campus life. I still went out and kept up with a lifestyle of partying. I met a lot of people, and some were bad influences. Inevitably, I fell into drugs like weed, cocaine, MDMA, acid, shrooms, and such. Reflecting on it all, it seems to have been the case that the partying lifestyle no longer gave me the thrill and excitement it used to, and I "graduated" to other things that gave me that rush again (tying back to the whole dopamine thing I described before).

    I became so accustomed to the use of the drugs - mainly weed - that I developed a comfortable identity with my not-sober mind, and spent a lot more time in isolation. This consequently led me to start masturbating more, especially because smoking weed made me horny. I restarted the vicious path of searching online for more and more intense porn. That's when I stumbled across sissification.

    At first, it was a fantasy, of course. However, the culture of sissification hypnosis and encouragement, for some reason, never grew old, and started to mess with my life. It's been over a year since I found this fetish, and even until now, I still find an immense thrill from it. It's never getting old, but I started to want a more intense experience with this category. I started to develop a habit of smoking weed all the time and masturbating to this kind of porn. Then, I started to buy girls' clothes to crossdress. I bought sex toys to explore anal for myself.

    I became increasingly ashamed of myself, and after each time I did it, I knew that it was the last straw and that I could not continue doing this. It would literally ruin my whole day and make me want to stay isolated, in irrational fear that people would find out about it if I showed my face anywhere. I'm sure you're all aware of what that irrational fear feels like.

    Of course, like what is expected of this vicious cycle, the arousal and desire would come back. I definitely messed up my dopamine system or whatever it is, because nothing else in life excites me. I even started making financial goals towards spending more money on crossdressing and even fantasized about going out to hook up with guys. I'm fucking heterosexual, and I know that this desire isn't because I'm gay. It doesn't even have to do with sex for the sake of sex - it's to chase that high I had the very first time I stumbled across sissification. I even bought these latex panties that have a sheath for my dick as well as for my ass and fantasized about wearing it and prepping myself so that I could hook up with guys with assurance of not catching STDs (and also to add thrill from the latex fetish that I had before). It's like I developed an alter ego of "being a sissy," which all of these sissification hypnosis things encourage oh so much.

    When I look in the mirror, I don't feel good about myself. I feel weak and ugly. My self-esteem is at an all-time low, and it's difficult for me to have one single day that's normal. I'm no longer ambitious in the goals I set out for myself because I anticipate that putting in hard work and effort to achieving them will not have the same level of satisfaction as simply dressing up, smoking weed, and masturbating away.

    I've decided to write this because I did the most absurd thing yet for myself. I dressed up, put on the latex panties, and put on this butt plug that had a cock ring attached to it. I put lube, weed, and a dildo in a bag and went out at night. I smoked a lot to loosen my inhibitions and went out for a walk. I never experienced the thrill of being dressed up outside and running the risk of being caught. I walked to a nearby park to find a dark, isolated spot to do my thing. That's when I found a portable bathroom and thought, in my high and aroused state of mind, that it was the best idea to do it in there because of how dirty and reminiscent of a person it would be to do so. I went in there and placed the dildo on the toilet seat cover (there's a suction). I pulled down the tight pants I was wearing and switched between riding the dildo and putting the buttplug back in. I did this until I couldn't help myself and put the buttplug in and cockring on. I remember it being at least half an hour of feeling pure ecstasy and losing my mind. I had the added thrill of being in the public and being in a dirty portable bathroom due to the danger of running some type of risk of disease or what you would expect a dirty bathroom to have. I distinctly remember, in the moment, I made the decision in my mind that this was going to be my lifestyle - until I came. That's when everything came crashing down. I never felt such guilt, shame, and even fear of being caught.

    I got back home and decided to trash everything I had - the dildo, the plug, the clothes, the weed - everything that only perpetuated this habit and addiction. I woke up the next day, still in shock with what I had done. I couldn't bring myself to leave my apartment and show my face, again due to that irrational fear of somebody knowing.

    There's something about this sissification culture and community that has a deep holding on me, and I know many people feel the same way based on the posts I've seen on here and other forums. This was a long post, and I'm sorry if it was very much of a long read, but I needed to share this story in order to reach out to those on the same dark page as me and to reach out to others that may empathize with me.

    I want to form a support system to help each other get back on the right track. I want all of us to regain our self-confidence and regain control of every aspect of our lives. I want us all to prevail in our goal to end our addictions so we can live our life liberated from the dark habits we put ourselves through.
  2. hollyman

    hollyman Fapstronaut

    Wow man wow, such a dark story, i could'nt imagine the feel that u feel,,

    But bro u can cure from this, you must reborn and nofap is one of it

    But u must have strong feeling and strong reason in order to do that

    Are u ready to forever not doin that ?

    If you can answer it, then you ready for the next step,,,

    Find the reason first,, and hold on it forever
  3. Eviledging

    Eviledging Fapstronaut

    While this is ur fetish and think I may have little in common with the rest of us, the cycle u described is the same. Each of us has his goto thing when he aroused and the feeling of reaching ecxtasy to the point of no return and achieving release and after complete sense of Shame when our minds are right. All I know for sure is u will not quit this when u are in ur aroused state and getting to that point is what u crave to do. So use those precious few post cum moments to lock away what ever makes it easier for u to get to.
  4. Billy the GOAT

    Billy the GOAT Fapstronaut

    Nofap can definitely help you, but I don't see how that isn't gay. I hope you aren't trolling.
  5. Username1021

    Username1021 Fapstronaut

    Hey @Yoojung Paik, I can identify with the escalation of porn up to sissification - it's the current fetish that I have, and that I'm kicking away. I too have explored anal masturbation, always placing larger objects in there, and then always feeling absolutely horrible afterwards I have an orgasm. While I'm still not attracted to men and have never crossdressed before, I've ended up developing a desire to hook up with a transwoman or sissy, which is quite different from before. I still remember the time when the mere thought of a penis on a woman was a major turn-off. Understand that you're not alone here (as you rightly point out, there are quite a few others who have similar issues), and I'd suggest you to keep coming back here daily, to beat the urges and to move on towards the future. It's never too late to change, unless if you're dead I suppose, so probably a good idea to start to change before you're dead.
  6. Yoojung Paik

    Yoojung Paik Fapstronaut

    Thank you all for listening to my story.

    @Bill bellamy Unfortunately I'm not trolling. I know that I'm not homosexual, because I have been straight all of my life and I have an immense feeling of guilt, disgust, and dissonance with my actions.

    It's those freaking hypnosis videos. I made an incredible realization from someone else's post on here about the fetish. Hypnosis techniques to "cure homosexuality" became illegal because of the clinical documentation of depression among the homosexuals that tried it long ago. This is all the same. Believe what you want about hypnosis, but this is what I think. Whether or not it objectively works, it doesn't matter. Suggestibility is very real, and we can all condition ourselves and believe certain things deeply if we affirm them to ourselves with habitual reinforcement. The thrill is pretending to believe it works when we're in that sexually aroused state, and we play along, or at least try to believe it works to make it seem more "real" when we're in-the-moment. Little do we realize that it's actually working in our subconscious. This is why when we see or hear things in real life that wouldn't affect "normal" people, it affects us and makes us feel shy about it.

    What's worse is the encouragement to want to like the idea of doing all of this against your will - being SUBMISSIVE. Of course, in your right state of mind, you don't want to do these kinds of things...but you derive pleasure out of going against it and kind of forcing yourself to continue doing this self-deprecating and humiliating act. Sooner or later, you lose yourself into it and almost forget why you fell into it all in the first place. That's when it becomes a real problem, when your right state of mind starts to give in and identify itself with what you forced yourself into. All it takes is having your mind on the fetish more hours of your waking day than on anything else.

    Think about it like this. Lets say you have a crossdressing fetish. You go out with your friends, and you all see a crossdresser. One of your friends makes a joke about it, the rest of your friends have their own innocent reactions to it. You, on the other do you react? You play it off and pretend with your friends, don't you? Exactly, because you conditioned yourself to be aroused by that kind of stuff, but you can't show that to your friends.

    When these hypnosis videos encourage affirmations about you wanting to identify with that kind of lifestyle, you're just conditioning yourself to become aroused by that stuff. This was an incredible realization that actually helped me all of a sudden. Today, I felt extremely liberated from it all, and for some reason, the thought of the things that I was aroused by literally yesterday, are not as appealing today, even though my refractory period has long gone.

    @Username1021 I hope you read this and find this realization for yourself, too! I'm sure we both understand the full extent of each other's perversions.

    @Eviledging You're absolutely correct. Those shameful moments of realizing what you've done the moment it's all over and you're back in your truly sober state of mind are the moments we all need to take and RUN with. We also have to acknowledge that the beast in us will come out again, and we need to be ready for those moments.

    @hollyman I'm absolutely ready. Thank you for reading my story. I hope you're successful in your endeavors too! This is such a supportive community. I love it for that.
    noonoon, Tonytone, jblaze129 and 2 others like this.
  7. Billy the GOAT

    Billy the GOAT Fapstronaut

    Sorry man. I didn't mean to accuse you or minimize your struggle or anything like that. Stay strong bro.
  8. Psych Exploration

    Psych Exploration New Fapstronaut

    Wow, your story was incredibly dark, but I relate a whole lot to your story. Stay strong man. I also found this community to be so damn supportive, and I think it's brave of you to have shared your story to that level of detail.

    I hope you don't mind if I PM you about this. I'd like some insight on my story because I understand what you're going through!
  9. jest

    jest Fapstronaut

    A prime example of how P and excessive M can completely wreck our minds. It takes a lot of courage to share a story like that, thankfully you're most likely out of that cycle and since you're on this website you're already on your way to greatness.

    It can only get better from here on out, don't forget your goals.
    I wish you the best.
    Hitto, Tonytone, jblaze129 and 3 others like this.
  10. Yoojung Paik

    Yoojung Paik Fapstronaut

    @jest Thank you, I really do need it. I knew I had to take the courage to get the help I need and to stop denying that I need help and support!

    @Psych Exploration No problem, PMed back!
    jblaze129 and jest like this.
  11. Vicky T

    Vicky T Fapstronaut

    Not exactly the same story. But seem to me that I was exactly on the same trend. I loved masturbating to sissification training videos. Once done I used to feel ashamed about myself. But that was the only thing that got me aroused. This is when I was having normal hetrosexual sex almost every weekend and sometimes even during weekdays. But the high I got seeing this kind of porn plus masturbation felt better than normal sex. Then I started avoiding sissification videos, but normal porn didn't work for me so I ended up at prostate massage section. I enjoyed those videos but when tried in real life, it was no fun. I forgot to mention that my sexual performance went down drastically during this period to an extent that I started avoiding any situation that could lead to sex.I have joined this forum recently but have been trying nofap for almost a year and yes I did see my sex life improving and that too when none of my nofap efforts lasted more than 15 days. The good thing is I feel immune to normal porn and that might help with my nofap streak. As long as I can avoid extreme porn, I will be good with my nofap challenge.
  12. John84

    John84 Fapstronaut

    Its strange how a man can find fetish like sisification and be turned on by it, while others will feel nothing at all when they view it, and never feel a want to revisit it. Maybe its genetic or environmental so every person is pre-disposed to react to a certain type of porn stimuli. Like for example children exposed to racism ideas at a young age might find an interracial porn fetish a thrill from the taboo of it. Maybe young boys that are belittled by their mothers find sissification porn thrilling. I don't know, there is probably a underlying reason for every person that a certain type of porn draws them.
    noonoon and LivinginRecovery like this.
  13. Psych Exploration

    Psych Exploration New Fapstronaut

    I'm trying to search my mind for what it is that has drawn me towards the fetish. It's not always exact either, as it's all individualized. There must be a level deeper than simply being shamed as a child, or being belittled by a female figure in the past. Some people may take that and turn it into a form of doing the same against females when grown up. I agree it very well might have a genetic factor to it that leads us to a predisposition to like what we like.

    Gosh. Perhaps this is why I liked the sensation of wearing girls' clothes for solely the sexual thrill of knowing I'm wearing what intimately clings onto females at a very young age, even before discovering crossdressing was a thing.
  14. fhoger

    fhoger Fapstronaut

    You are definitely not alone. As others have said. You have a clear case of porn escalation. You know your identity, and this fetish is against you. It happened to me, and it's taken a long time to even begin to move past it. It won't be easy, but you can do it. Many things conditioned your mind and lead you to this fetish. Even if you don't realize it. Keep fighting, we are with you every step of the way.
  15. Bob2132

    Bob2132 Fapstronaut

    The stuff you are describing is horrific. i hope you get better. My thoughts and prayers go out to you.
  16. I've been struggling with this same thing. I haven't crossdressed, but I have masturbated anally and eaten my own cum multiple times after binge watching the sissy porn. The thrill that came with allowing myself to believe the sissy suggestions and practice these deviant acts without anyone knowing was so intense in the moment that I became addicted over time. It was definitely an escalation process. Isabella is a person!

    I can definitely relate to feeling like everyone knows even though theirs no way they could. My friends have always had habits of making gay jokes for fun and when they would direct them at me, I would get so defensive and my self esteem would be crippled because I knew what I had done.

    But I know my sexual orientation. I haven't had many girlfriends, but I was always extremely interested in girls. After I got trapped and started watching these videos more frequently it affected my relationships down to the core. My libido was diminished, and I would think that I was turning into a total homosexual because my sex life with women was suffering. But I would try to imagine being with a real man, and it would only hurt me. I could always sense that I was FORCING these thoughts. And eventually I was watching these videos out of the mental addiction and nothing else. The shame became so normal that I seemed to long for it.

    I've been trying NoFap and stopping these shenanigans and I can already feel myself changing back to normal after a few weeks. Albeit, I have tried on my own will before and I have relapsed before finding this community, but I am conscious of the changes taking place now as I am finding my hope.

    I'm going to meet a girl that I have ALWAYS had feelings for since I was 15 (and I'm 23 now) this upcoming Wednesday. I know we're probably not going to have sex, or even kiss, but I can acutely feel my bodies reactions to knowing I'm going to see her. Its been a while since we've really gotten to hang out and I've missed her a lot. I'm looking forward to showering her with compliments when appropriate and having a good time. Maybe we'll cuddle xD

    Bottom line is, taking control and knowing I can quit is helping. Knowing that it's "not me" is helping. I don't feel as depressed these days and I know that it's going to show when we hang out. Whereas before I ANTICIPATED being depressed around her and it really showed and made everything awkward.

    So, wish me luck you guys! I hope this is encouraging to someone who needs it. Their is definitely hope, just keep at it. You will change.

    Sorry this is so long xD
    Immature, jblaze129, falter and 5 others like this.
  17. Bob2132

    Bob2132 Fapstronaut

    Just don't relapse if things don't go well on Wednesday
  18. I have the EXACT same problem as you. Please let's be Accountability partners so we can help each other quit.
    PM Me bro!
    jblaze129 and Deleted Account like this.
  19. LivinginRecovery

    LivinginRecovery Fapstronaut

    Sissification videos were the last P I watched. I'm so glad I discovered NoFap. My mother is a very cruel woman emotionally and even now I find myself treading on eggshells around her trying to keep her on side because her anger is ferocious and always just under the surface. She controlled me to the nth degree as a child and I always knew I was in the wrong even when I had done everything she wanted me to. Even now, she will turn off if I exhibit one iota of self-determination. She wants to keep me as a child and everything she says is wrapped up in barbs of nastiness and vitriol. I am wondering if growing up in such a restrictive, constricting environement of fear, shame, guilt and worry is what led me to sissy vids and dark fantasies where women were humiliating/dominating me. There's something in Sissy vids which is oddly compelling. Nothing I ever viewed in relation to P ever gave me such a hit of dopamine as those and even now they have immense power over me even though I am not using as the flashbacks are intense.
  20. LivinginRecovery

    LivinginRecovery Fapstronaut

    I take full responsibility for where I ended up in relation to porn otherwise I wouldn't be here getting well. By writing as I have done I am simply trying to gain an understanding of why my porn use led to certain topics.

    Discovering who we are in relation to our porn use is fundamental if we ever hope to recover.

    I certainly don't appreciate your tone or your questioning of my honesty in relation to what I wrote. I also don't appreciate your intimation that I am still a sissy at some point.

    It takes a great deal of courage to talk about these things in an open forum and you are not helping myself or others here with your manner when we are trying to get well by being honest about what we have lived through.
    Last edited: Jun 17, 2017

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