Sissification is the End of the Road For Me

I’m right there with you dude. Today was super tough for me. I ended up exercising which ended the urges, but I had blue balls most of the day and boy did they ever hurt after exercising. Hang in there (edit: haha hang in there. Accidental pun)

 

This is harder on the younger guys, but: you have all this help here so that you don't need, later, to look back on decades of wasted time, energy, and opportunities. I'm 62, and I wish I'd have had some idea of how much of my life I was squandering on this trash.

 

Well I appreciate you all being here. I want to live a long healthy life, and not be fucking deranged. I know that I could literally spend half of my life locked away jerking my dingy and never actually achieve anything if I let this shit get a hold of me.

"us addicts" will so quickly replace one addiction with a multitude of others if we don't actively engage in the recovery process.

 

Pray the rosary and ask Jesus to remove this from our hearts and minds!

 

I really didn't want to bring this stuff up, but seeing all you guys (@Cmv120 , @Immature , @Roady, @Tryingto @TheLoneDanger, @max.sa, @Enderswish604, @MustStop) going through the same thing, it has inspired me. I'm not sure I have completely given up on this fetish, but I am giving up PM. I'm going to divulge everything on here because maybe it'll help me get rid of some of my shame and maybe get some feedback. I'm warning you all, I'm going to be pretty explicit here, so if you are still struggling then I wouldn't continue to the triggers below (but this post has been around for a long time now). Also, I'm straight and not religious. My path was the following:

Spoiler: Trigger Warning

Pictures of models -> Solo women naked posing/masturbating -> Softcore porn -> Hardcore porn (When I first saw this, I remember feeling overwhelmed/disgusted/intrigued, I must have been around 13 years old and I could barely handle how raw it was) -> Lesbians (I absolutely love the female body/form - we all do so much that we ended up here - and having 2?! The more the merrier!) -> Strap-on lesbians/BDSM -> Pegging (but it bothered me a little that the women were moaning when they were using a fake cock) -> Transsexuals (Their pleasure was real and if they didn't have a cock, you wouldn't know it's a man. I literally view them as women who just happen to have a penis. I know it's weird, and never in my wildest dreams did I ever expect to become so attracted to them. I still consider myself straight, I'm not into men. But I know a lot of people wonder how we progressed into this craziness, and I'm trying to explain it for them) -> Transsexuals having hands free prostate orgasms from fucking each other or another man, or even self prostate orgasm with a dildo -> Sissification/Chastity/Hands free prostate orgasm. Like all of you, I just needed more and more and it became more and more extreme. I feel a bit gross that it has come to this, but at the same time it gives me a lot of pleasure and I've accepted that guilt because the pleasure is greater than the guilt after accepting it. I'm still functioning well at work and life, but I do wish my relationship was better, and it has been getting better with NoFap, but more on that later.

In my initial relationships (most would be long-term 1 to 5 years, around 5 serious relationships) I would be the more dominant person and act out my BDSM porn fantasies (Sensual domination, bondage, mild choking, remote control vibrators, fucking in public areas without getting caught, and more). Then I joined FetLife (A social platform like Facebook except for BDSM) and would go to meet ups and discovered my submissive side and explored this with a Domme. It was exhilarating and felt great, at that time I was not into TS porn yet, but it came soon after. She would at times dress me up with female light cloth robes and a little bell on my ankle and she would show me off at dungeon parties and have me do dances and striptease for a room full of women. It was so much fun and made me come over my fears. I never knew what to expect and she always kept me on my toes. She would tie me up and torture me sensually and it was exhilarating, and played right into all my porn fantasies. At the same time I have a huge fear of STDs, so I always used protection and did everything as safe as I could, always checked myself regularly and never caught anything and never did anything that I could potentially catch something.

At this point I had been heavily into TS porn and just discovering sissification hypnosis (never got too deep into it since I discovered this site and got scared of some of the stories I read, thank goodness - especially things that had to do with men, I could never imagine that for myself, but again I understand how it can happen.) and I was really into watching prostate orgasms and there was one porno with a sissy who had amazing ones (I'm still jealous), soon after the dildo went into her, she would cum uncontrollably (this was my newest/hardest drug to watch. It's hard to explain to someone who hasn't reached this level of P yet, but I'll try...In my mind seeing the sissy cum was actual validation that she was having pleasure especially to see her legs tremble, there was no faking it. Some women fake their orgasms or sometimes don't have them and that would bother me, especially because I enjoy seeing physical evidence of pleasure in others. Who doesn't like the cumshot?). She would cum hard, not once, but sometimes 3 or more separate times with no breaks in the video footage, so I knew it was real and wasn't edited. I didn't ever think it could be possible to have multiple male orgasms, but this opened my eyes to the contrary. But I had no drive to experiment in person with a CD because they still looked like men and they were not "passable" enough. So I did have an interest in TS, but that has never manifested and I don't think I want it to. Taking the leap from fantasy to reality in this regard would be too extreme for myself, but I can see why it happens to others. I completely 100% understand because I do fantasize about it sometimes. Some may argue that being into TS porn is being gay, I disagree. A normal man would be attracted to a passable female form, if you didn't know she had a penis, anyway it's more complicated and less black and white then what most people think.

Then I found a Domme who was into sissification and pegging, and I have always been a pleaser/people person, so seeing my Domme be happy, would make me even happier. I became fixated on reaching this goal (Orgasm without touching my D) and this Domme was more than happy to have found me. She enjoyed seeing me in a chastity cage so that I couldn't touch myself and it worked for some time, but it began to chafe and so it turned more into mental chastity instead, which is essentially no MO, but I was still watching P and edging. I could do the edging for a couple days or maybe even a week without O, but I would always end up failing after 1 week.

My goal was to have a prostate orgasm by being pegged by my Domme and so I wanted to retain as much fluid as possible in order to achieve release by penetration. She was totally on board with this too. The humiliation is such a turn on and I'm not going to lie, it's something I'm still struggling with and interested in as well. It just so happens that NoFap aligns with my goal of no PM. I was pegged at around the 1wk mark of no O and I still had not had a p-gasm, but it did leak out some. I'm fixated on reaching a p-gasm or anal orgasm, so I'm not ready to quit everything until I reach that. I was wearing panties, putting in anal plugs, and buying sexy clothing and more toys. It felt really good to be under her control and I wasn't really overspending and I felt like life was improving. A part of me believes it's wrong and thinks I shouldn't be doing this, but I feel like I just have to keep exploring and keep an open mind about this. I feel like I'm taking the right steps by giving up PM and I have noticed some significant improvements with my sex life with my SO. So I'm not sure everything is black or white for me, in fact, my sissy tendencies have gotten exponentially stronger since I've started NoFap. It's all the sexual frustration of not being able to O, it has my sex drive supercharged. The Domme had me somewhat wrapped around her finger and put in my mind that: My D was to be called a clitty, my butt was my pussy, and she wanted to know every time I had an erection. It was like an endless cycle of escalation, the more I told her, the more turned on I got, and round and round the circle went, but my resolve to avoid M had been pretty strong because I wanted her to help me reach that goal. The butt plugs were getting bigger and she had me buy a huge dildo that she was going to peg me with. I had bought some really sexy crotch-less stockings, crotch-less body shaper, crotchless panties, high heeled knee high boots, bra, and wig. I was really excited by all of this, and the more I talked about it and thought about it the more excited I get. Another bonus was that she was into tease and denial and multiple Os (that was another fetish I got into as well), so after seeing her I felt very content/relaxed/happy/exhausted (like a good days work).

I know it's wrong to put this stuff on here, but maybe this is a cry for help? Maybe??? I'm not sure anymore...I started with intentions of strict No PMO, but have evolved to No PM which went along with my fetish/fantasy. Sorry for the long post (if you read the Trigger section), I'm not sure what kind of responses I will get, and I'm sure I will get some hate responses, but this is genuinely how I feel. I feel wrong/guilty, but I feel more right/excited/alive/improving relationship and life

 

I have a pretty strong mental obsession with having sissy gasms myself. I have actually achieved a couple and it was good... But at the end of the day it’s not really what I want. I can take a step back and realize that if my family knew some of these things they’d be like “wtf” and if I had a SO she wouldn’t agree. It’s not so much what others think that gets me because I don’t even agree with it myself. I’m just seeking more and more pleasure and it’s not worth it... Because inevitably I’m making it so NOTHING is relatively close to pleasurable anymore. I have a genuinely hard time enjoying things that use to practically be my reason for living... Pretty screwed up.

I don’t believe in making people feel guilty because I don’t view guilt as the driving force behind quitting an addiction. But my only thing that I want to point out to you is that you say you have a SO and a Domme... But does your SO know about your Domme, and what would she say if she knew? OR is your Domme your SO? Because really if she is, in my limited perspective, I would say that’s not necessarily a very healthy relationship... I mean do you go out together or just experiment sexually together?

Just some food for thought. If you feel guilty/wrong about your behavior that’s basically the only opinion that actually matters. Otherwise, do what you want... But you gotta be here for SOME reason.

 

It's all about the addiction, the more you're inside this, the more you spiral down into more and more fucked-up porn. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

 

Whenever I hear the word addiction, I'm like whatever. Haha. I have my own "system," for it.

 

Thanks for the reply, I was hoping for something useful and intelligent like this. I just really need people to nudge me over to the Good/Light side. There are these 2 sides of me that are battling. When you say sissy gasm, my imagination runs wild and I wish I could achieve that, but at the same time you're right my family would be like "wtf". But then, why should/would my family know this? Does everyone tell their family about their sexual escapades? Shouldn't it be my choice? And I guess you make that point as well. But I see your point, maybe if I achieve a sissy gasm, then nothing will ever be as pleasurable again, but then couldn't I just reboot afterwards??? You make really REALLY good points and I'm seriously considering them, but right now I think I'm too deep in this hole and seeking the reward.

My SO is aware and allows me to explore because she is not "kinky" and she understands that I have this need to explore, but we have limits set in place to assure no STDs.

It's a battle in my head, I do feel the guilt/wrongness, but then I tell myself why should I feel it? Is is because society is making me feel guilty about it? I don't know...but thanks again for a great response

 

Yeah I mean.... It is what it is. I’ll let you know that once you’ve achieved it and you can do it at will, it’s really not all it’s cracked up to be. It’s good, don’t get me wrong, and technically “better”/more stimulating than a normal orgasm. But after a couple of times you get used to it, you get desensitized in the same way that caused you to escalate into sissy/transsexual porn in the first place.... The rabbit hole is deep as hell. But it’s more of a mental obsession for “more” than anything else.

I hope this helps. Just stay safe, and be grateful you have a supportive wife/girlfriend. Some of us are struggling on our own and have to question our sexuality and our worth every moment of our lives.

 

I would personally suggest stopping and doing a full “hard mode” reboot for a period of time like 90 days.... but I’m not here to control you or tell you what to do. I just imagine that your SO may begin to feel inadequate if you keep down this path. It could ultimately lead to some complications. And a reboot could lead to some clarity.

Now call me a hypocrite because I personally have been unable to achieve such a feat. Lol BUT I suggest it to myself as well!!

 

I don't see anything wrong with any of this. Sounds like a lot of good clean fun. You may be suffering from Christian guilt.

Have you considered that you may not be as straight as you think you are? There may be a lot of Queer things you may want to explore.

 

Please tell, me: what do I need to do in order to do this? I want to have sex with a demon! I am sure my wife will be fine with it.

 

Lol you’re being what one might call..... an asshole.

 

Come on! Sex with a demon! Who could resist the temptation?!?

I immediately forgave my wife for cheating on me because she had the opportunity to have sex with a hot young man.

 

You're definitely very helpful and safety is my number one concern for sure. I don't want my SO getting anything from a poor choice that I make. Which is why I'm pretty strict with that stuff when it comes to the health and responsibility of it for someone else.

My personal goal right now is no PM for 90 days (record so far is 41 days on my first try, so I think I can definitely do 90 easy) and spacing out O as far apart as possible (at least no O for 6-7 days and hopefully as long as I can possibly handle it, so far 14 days was my previous record) and only through PIV or Anal (if I ever reach that goal). But I get too sexually crazy when I don't cum for more than 2wks, but I'll still try my best. Since stopping PM and spacing out my Os, sex with my SO has improved significantly! I was avoiding sex at all costs previously because I enjoyed PMO so much previously (at least 2-3x/day and watching P/edging for hours sometimes). So things are much improved now when I realized how bad my PA was. Once I reach the 90 days no PM, then I'll see how things are going and re-evaluate from there. What do you think?

I think my problem was I never realized I had the addiction until it was pointed out to me by a YouTube video I stumbled upon by accident while watching a p sub. Once I realized it, things just made sense and I'm a person of logic mostly, so I just had to realize it and admit it to myself and understand it. In my family there is addiction problems and I thought I was the lucky one because I wasn't addicted to alcohol or drugs, but I guess I found out what I'm addicted to. But I think addiction is handled differently by different people. I don't know...just my thoughts...

 

@ClaritySeeker - There is so much wrong in that spoiler, I don't even know where to begin.

Sissification is deadly to the male soul. It is the antithesis of masculinity.

And you are edging - denying yourself orgasms does not make clean time when you are doing all this crazy shit.

If your SO is really Significant to you, you should be concentrating on sex with her, to the exclusion of all else, or at least anything else in which she is not a willing participant. It would be a very rare woman - and not necessarily in a good way - that would not be negatively affected by your extreme activities. Just for starters, how many women do you suppose can respect a sissy? I'm guessing that would be none. If your SO ends up with no respect for you, how is that relationship supposed to work in the long run? It cannot.

This is worlds beyond a little BDSM role-playing.

I have my own struggles, and I am no angel. I currently have no relationship, and am not moving towards one. IMHO, You're on your way to being in the same position.

 

I don't know about it being wrong to post these details here, @ClaritySeeker. To my read, you've handled this disclosure with an appropriate amount of discretion - using the trigger warning and such. This is, after all, a place for us to get sober from all that haunts us, and speaking frankly is a key part of this process.

This said, your words do strike me as a cry for help. I have struggled with much - but not all - that you list here. In tough moments, this stuff remains my addictive 'go to'. And it's never a one time 'go to'. Instead, it's always a rabbit hole, always a bottomless pit, always leads to more and more and...

So whatever the cry your raising might be, wherever that line needs to be drawn in the sand, I wish you well. Living a life constantly pulled into the pit just ain't much fun...

 

Thanks @Tryingto

I agree that sissification is the antithesis of masculinity. But, it does feel good to be pegged by a woman. Would that be wrong? I'm not doing it with men, it's women that turn me on and who I participate only. It's not watching it on a screen, but enjoying it with another person. Also, there is no real penis involved or cum, so there is no risk of STDs and I cover the strap-on with a condom everytime and it's my own dildo/strap-on that's used only on me. I'm just trying to figure it out...I think it's like telling someone gay that anal sex is wrong. I'm not gay, but I enjoy the anal sex, but could never accept that from a man. I'm just trying to figure this out logically...

I thought edging is if you touch yourself. I'm not touching myself at all. I would maybe call it fantasizing or P sub, but edging? Maybe mental edging? I don't know...

My is SO is significant to me and sex with her has been improving significantly since I no longer PM. It feels sooo much better and I can tell she likes it more too. I am not a sissy with my SO and she prefers not to be involved with the kink scene and wants no part to do with it, but she understands I'm a kinky person and we have set up rules for this that I take very seriously. My SO respects me very much and I respect her as well. In the long run, I would like to stop all this, but I'm a bit worried that I'm just a kinky person to begin with even before I watched porn and this is just who I am. As a kid I used to wear my mom's pantyhose and underwear and enjoyed it. It's also not affecting my life negatively, but since joining NoFap my life has improved. I'm not looking to be respected when I'm being pegged, I'm looking for sexual gratification, and it's not like I'm doing that everyday, it's spaced out to once every 2 to 4 weeks or longer.

A part of me also wants to start a thread on FetLife who are into sissification and having sex with men to look for this site. There are so many of them far gone. I worry more about them than me. At the same time, the fact that there is so many of them really scares me straight. I never want to become like that and I will never allow myself to become like that. I'm 100% sure of that and that's part of the reason I joined NoFap.

 

@ClaritySeeker - I will admit I'm not sure where what you are doing ends and sissification begins. I think there is definite overlap

Spoiler

MEN DON'T HAVE PUSSIES. Men who think they do are sissies.

. I think it's a fuzzy line at that point.

I'll concede that it does seem that you've avoided, so far, the worst aspects of sissification: playing the woman to men. But by how much are you avoiding it? You are still being submissive and servile. That's a whole different thing from seeking pleasure through physical means that are somewhat unusual (though not unheard of) for a heterosexual male.

Does she know the details of what you do?

Spoiler

That you let women peg you, and dominate you, and enforce femininity and chastity on you?

I can't see how that wouldn't change her view of you - but maybe I'm just old-fashioned here.