Sissy Hypno / Feminization

If I have too many triggers here, someone please let me know and I'll delete it, or you can remove my post. It's not my intent to trigger anyone, just want people to see how bad things can get if you expose yourself to this filth.

I've watched porn for 30 years and have heavily been into the feminization hypno genre for about 5 years. I had a couple experiences in my teen years and early 20's that I believe made this type of addiction more likely for me. I was never sexually or physically abused as a child, and other than my parents divorce (which many kids can relate to), I had a pretty normal childhood.

However around the age of 14, I developed gynecomastia. For those who don't know what that is, it's male breast tissue. For a kid who was very athletic and loved all sports, especially Baseball, it was devastating. The insecurity of having, what looked like breasts, sticking out of my jersey was tough to deal with, and I quit playing. This of course had a terrible effect on my personality and how I lived my life from 14 - 21. Always wearing light jackets or big baggy shirts on hot days. I was very insecure.

I became sexually active in my early 20's and was told my multiple woman that I had a small penis. So although I was only attracted to women, the thought of looking down and seeing a fat chest and a small penis played games with my head. I did okay attracting women, but even those who would become girlfriends would eventually cheat on me and tell me the other guy was "much bigger."

About this time I was introduced to internet porn. Quickly I became interested and addicted to everything cuckold. Around age 30 I had surgery to remove the gynecomastia, but the "about" 15 years of conditioning had taken its toll. While watching regular porn, I got to the point where I'd imagine myself as the woman in the scene. Eventually my addiction led to transwoman/transgendered person (and of course, I was the girl).

When I discovered sissy hypno, as many have described, it was incredibly intoxicating! I was instantly hooked. Over the years, the suggestions really began to sink in. I noticed a difference in several things. The way I'd walk, the way I sat, and I'd even ask for help with some of the most simple tasks. It was changing my identity. The thought of being a bubble head, brainless bimbo was so appealing to me. It was an escape from reality.

If I wasn't watching hypno, it was Tumblr, if it wasn't Tumblr, it was stories of feminization. I was consuming all things female. From the TV I'd watch, to the YouTube videos on things as simple as female mannerism, gestures and makeup. When I'd masturbate, I'd always fantasize about being the female in the relationship. My penis would never get hard, but I'd always be able to ejaculate with it limp (those who've gone this far know what I'm talking about).

I resisted the urge to take it further when I told a mistress (who would dress me up), all about my most filthy fantasies. She assured me that she could help me experience them, but she would need a couple weeks advanced notice to set things up. At that moment, I was at a crossroad. I had to choose life or what would eventually no doubt lead to death. I decided this had gone too far. My life was out of control. I was full of anxiety, horrible depression, and I was suicidal (and planned it out). I was lucky to get 5 hours sleep most nights. I didn't see any future and just wanted to end it all. Everything you read about from other guys posts about negative side effects to this type of P is very true.

As of this writing, I've gone 106 days with absolutely no P or P substitutes, and I've gone 16 days with no O. The 106 days with no P have been amazing. I'm now forced to "feel" and experience life in a way I hid from for years. For me, this stuff still lingers, but everyday is a little easier as it slowly gets out of my system. My erections have improved greatly, I sleep better, I'm far more calm, focused, and I'm able to concentrate better than I have in years. But for me (and I suspect others too), I'm one bad decision away from a relapse.

For several months, I've met with a therapist who specializes in this type of addiction. This has been a huge help for me. Just getting this out, to another human being, and not keeping it so bottled up, is very therapeutic for me.

One thing that's worked for me is letting go of my thoughts about trying to "think" my way out of this. I knew the sane approach to a better, more healthy life, and had to "feel" my way through the mess I created for myself. When I try to "think" my way through, my porn brain always seemed to outsmart my rational brain.

Another thing that my therapist helped me with is to get out of the mindset that a relapse would mean setting my counter back-to-day-1. Day 1 was the day I made the decision to change my life. If I go 200 days and relapse, I'm not back to day 1... I'm 200 wins and 1 Loss. And the next day, I'll be 201 wins and 1 loss.

Also, we're all free to believe what we want. I'm a believer in God and believe his presence is the reason I'm still alive and on the right road to recovery.

Thanks for reading.

 

It sounds like you have been having quite a battle. But you have a good attitude and outlook. Never give up.

 

Thanks guys. The thoughts can be overwhelming and each day is a struggle. As much progress as I've made, I'd guess the thoughts are only about 25% less. It's a long process. I spent several hours a day, over many years watching sissy porn and the images I have etched in my brain are really deep. I would drift off to fantasyland and created / visualized a different life for myself that included everything the sissy hypno vids teach. That said, I truly believe I'm making progress to rid my life of this garbage.

 

I did too. I would get discouraged seeing such a low number after all the hard work, that I'd figure if I had to start over, I may as well binge for a few days/weeks/months first. This new way of looking at it works better for me.

 

I only watched this type of stuff for a very short while compared to you...and I gotta say it still screws with my head. I have nothing but respect for you and the incredibly hard battle you are winning! Your story is a inspiration. I see many users pop up on these forums and ask if they can recover from this stuff...and you can feel how miserable and anxious they are...only to never be seen on here again. I don’t think people know how poisonous this stuff is when they start watching it...I sure as hell didn’t.

Anyway...I would sticky your story if I had a forum I was in charge of. It can show many people that they are not helpless to this addiction and it can be beat! Keep going, my man. You’re killing it!

 

Tiger uppercut! - I trick for me is to not beat myself up for having the thoughts and to be ready for the struggle. The struggle is the thoughts of watching sissy P & M. The struggle is where the growth is. In that struggle are the seeds of victory. That said, not a day goes by where I don't think about M while fantasizing that I am a woman and living life as a woman. When I do, I ejaculate almost instantly. But through a tremendous amount of therapy and self-analysis, I know that it is not truly who I am, but the years of sissy hypno I've watched. I'm completely convinced, that over the course of several years, this crap will leave my head. Another trap is to think you can wake up one day and have this gone from your life. I was in it too deep. Progress only started once I adopted the attitude of baby steps, and that I was going to rid myself of this by the two steps forward, one step back approach.