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If I have too many triggers here, someone please let me know and I'll delete it, or you can remove my post. It's not my intent to trigger anyone, just want people to see how bad things can get if you expose yourself to this filth.
I've watched porn for 30 years and have heavily been into the feminization hypno genre for about 5 years. I had a couple experiences in my teen years and early 20's that I believe made this type of addiction more likely for me. I was never sexually or physically abused as a child, and other than my parents divorce (which many kids can relate to), I had a pretty normal childhood.
However around the age of 14, I developed gynecomastia. For those who don't know what that is, it's male breast tissue. For a kid who was very athletic and loved all sports, especially Baseball, it was devastating. The insecurity of having, what looked like breasts, sticking out of my jersey was tough to deal with, and I quit playing. This of course had a terrible effect on my personality and how I lived my life from 14 - 21. Always wearing light jackets or big baggy shirts on hot days. I was very insecure.
I became sexually active in my early 20's and was told my multiple woman that I had a small penis. So although I was only attracted to women, the thought of looking down and seeing a fat chest and a small penis played games with my head. I did okay attracting women, but even those who would become girlfriends would eventually cheat on me and tell me the other guy was "much bigger."
About this time I was introduced to internet porn. Quickly I became interested and addicted to everything cuckold. Around age 30 I had surgery to remove the gynecomastia, but the "about" 15 years of conditioning had taken its toll. While watching regular porn, I got to the point where I'd imagine myself as the woman in the scene. Eventually my addiction led to transwoman/transgendered person (and of course, I was the girl).
When I discovered sissy hypno, as many have described, it was incredibly intoxicating! I was instantly hooked. Over the years, the suggestions really began to sink in. I noticed a difference in several things. The way I'd walk, the way I sat, and I'd even ask for help with some of the most simple tasks. It was changing my identity. The thought of being a bubble head, brainless bimbo was so appealing to me. It was an escape from reality.
If I wasn't watching hypno, it was Tumblr, if it wasn't Tumblr, it was stories of feminization. I was consuming all things female. From the TV I'd watch, to the YouTube videos on things as simple as female mannerism, gestures and makeup. When I'd masturbate, I'd always fantasize about being the female in the relationship. My penis would never get hard, but I'd always be able to ejaculate with it limp (those who've gone this far know what I'm talking about).
I resisted the urge to take it further when I told a mistress (who would dress me up), all about my most filthy fantasies. She assured me that she could help me experience them, but she would need a couple weeks advanced notice to set things up. At that moment, I was at a crossroad. I had to choose life or what would eventually no doubt lead to death. I decided this had gone too far. My life was out of control. I was full of anxiety, horrible depression, and I was suicidal (and planned it out). I was lucky to get 5 hours sleep most nights. I didn't see any future and just wanted to end it all. Everything you read about from other guys posts about negative side effects to this type of P is very true.
As of this writing, I've gone 106 days with absolutely no P or P substitutes, and I've gone 16 days with no O. The 106 days with no P have been amazing. I'm now forced to "feel" and experience life in a way I hid from for years. For me, this stuff still lingers, but everyday is a little easier as it slowly gets out of my system. My erections have improved greatly, I sleep better, I'm far more calm, focused, and I'm able to concentrate better than I have in years. But for me (and I suspect others too), I'm one bad decision away from a relapse.
For several months, I've met with a therapist who specializes in this type of addiction. This has been a huge help for me. Just getting this out, to another human being, and not keeping it so bottled up, is very therapeutic for me.
One thing that's worked for me is letting go of my thoughts about trying to "think" my way out of this. I knew the sane approach to a better, more healthy life, and had to "feel" my way through the mess I created for myself. When I try to "think" my way through, my porn brain always seemed to outsmart my rational brain.
Another thing that my therapist helped me with is to get out of the mindset that a relapse would mean setting my counter back-to-day-1. Day 1 was the day I made the decision to change my life. If I go 200 days and relapse, I'm not back to day 1... I'm 200 wins and 1 Loss. And the next day, I'll be 201 wins and 1 loss.
Also, we're all free to believe what we want. I'm a believer in God and believe his presence is the reason I'm still alive and on the right road to recovery.
Thanks for reading.
I've watched porn for 30 years and have heavily been into the feminization hypno genre for about 5 years. I had a couple experiences in my teen years and early 20's that I believe made this type of addiction more likely for me. I was never sexually or physically abused as a child, and other than my parents divorce (which many kids can relate to), I had a pretty normal childhood.
However around the age of 14, I developed gynecomastia. For those who don't know what that is, it's male breast tissue. For a kid who was very athletic and loved all sports, especially Baseball, it was devastating. The insecurity of having, what looked like breasts, sticking out of my jersey was tough to deal with, and I quit playing. This of course had a terrible effect on my personality and how I lived my life from 14 - 21. Always wearing light jackets or big baggy shirts on hot days. I was very insecure.
I became sexually active in my early 20's and was told my multiple woman that I had a small penis. So although I was only attracted to women, the thought of looking down and seeing a fat chest and a small penis played games with my head. I did okay attracting women, but even those who would become girlfriends would eventually cheat on me and tell me the other guy was "much bigger."
About this time I was introduced to internet porn. Quickly I became interested and addicted to everything cuckold. Around age 30 I had surgery to remove the gynecomastia, but the "about" 15 years of conditioning had taken its toll. While watching regular porn, I got to the point where I'd imagine myself as the woman in the scene. Eventually my addiction led to transwoman/transgendered person (and of course, I was the girl).
When I discovered sissy hypno, as many have described, it was incredibly intoxicating! I was instantly hooked. Over the years, the suggestions really began to sink in. I noticed a difference in several things. The way I'd walk, the way I sat, and I'd even ask for help with some of the most simple tasks. It was changing my identity. The thought of being a bubble head, brainless bimbo was so appealing to me. It was an escape from reality.
If I wasn't watching hypno, it was Tumblr, if it wasn't Tumblr, it was stories of feminization. I was consuming all things female. From the TV I'd watch, to the YouTube videos on things as simple as female mannerism, gestures and makeup. When I'd masturbate, I'd always fantasize about being the female in the relationship. My penis would never get hard, but I'd always be able to ejaculate with it limp (those who've gone this far know what I'm talking about).
I resisted the urge to take it further when I told a mistress (who would dress me up), all about my most filthy fantasies. She assured me that she could help me experience them, but she would need a couple weeks advanced notice to set things up. At that moment, I was at a crossroad. I had to choose life or what would eventually no doubt lead to death. I decided this had gone too far. My life was out of control. I was full of anxiety, horrible depression, and I was suicidal (and planned it out). I was lucky to get 5 hours sleep most nights. I didn't see any future and just wanted to end it all. Everything you read about from other guys posts about negative side effects to this type of P is very true.
As of this writing, I've gone 106 days with absolutely no P or P substitutes, and I've gone 16 days with no O. The 106 days with no P have been amazing. I'm now forced to "feel" and experience life in a way I hid from for years. For me, this stuff still lingers, but everyday is a little easier as it slowly gets out of my system. My erections have improved greatly, I sleep better, I'm far more calm, focused, and I'm able to concentrate better than I have in years. But for me (and I suspect others too), I'm one bad decision away from a relapse.
For several months, I've met with a therapist who specializes in this type of addiction. This has been a huge help for me. Just getting this out, to another human being, and not keeping it so bottled up, is very therapeutic for me.
One thing that's worked for me is letting go of my thoughts about trying to "think" my way out of this. I knew the sane approach to a better, more healthy life, and had to "feel" my way through the mess I created for myself. When I try to "think" my way through, my porn brain always seemed to outsmart my rational brain.
Another thing that my therapist helped me with is to get out of the mindset that a relapse would mean setting my counter back-to-day-1. Day 1 was the day I made the decision to change my life. If I go 200 days and relapse, I'm not back to day 1... I'm 200 wins and 1 Loss. And the next day, I'll be 201 wins and 1 loss.
Also, we're all free to believe what we want. I'm a believer in God and believe his presence is the reason I'm still alive and on the right road to recovery.
Thanks for reading.
