I am a physician and this is the story of my addiction to sissy hypnosis porn. Please note that while I am a practicing medical doctor, I am not a psychiatrist, neuropsychiatrist, or neurologist and have no training or expertise in treating porn/hypnosis addiction. I simply hope my words will be helpful to someone out there struggling with this horrible addiction, and that I can find support from this community. I mention my profession to let other users know that this can happen to anyone who is psychologically at risk, and that the advice I offer here is the same I would offer any patient who told me about this habit (in addition to strongly recommending work with a psychotherapist and psychiatrist). Upfront statement: AVOID SISSY HYPNOSIS PORN AT ALL COSTS, and if you are currently addicted, then stop today. These videos are made by predators and serve no healthy purpose. No matter what you may think as you read this sentence, they are not helping you. Silver lining: there is hope. For those who don’t know, sissy hypnosis porn is a sub-genre that leverages and amplifies viewers’ innate feelings of shame and inadequacy for the purpose of causing harm. They are explicitly designed to make the viewer question their sexuality and gender, break down their self-esteem, and pull them further into shame and addiction. While many are of low quality, some are clearly the work of individuals with training in sound engineering, hypnotherapy, or both. I expect that some are made by certified clinical hypnotherapists who are exercising their own fetishes. They use images with subliminal text, multiple voice tracks, binaural beats, and other techniques to create an extremely powerful, addictive, and destructive experience. These videos are dangerous. How it happened: After finishing medical school and during my first year of residency, I became interested in the mind and how it works. I have always been an emotionally detached person and hoped to build more meaningful connections with people. It started with meditation, which brought me to a happy new understanding of who I am and my place in the world. I was happily married and in a top residency program; I had the world at my fingertips. I sought to expand my mind, improve my outlook, connect with my wife, and better serve my patients. Through my exploration, I discovered guided meditation on YouTube and subsequently binaural beats. I had a series of very strong and meaningful experiences with the help of THC, and sought to delve deeper into the inner workings of my mind. Through this process, I discovered sexual binaural beats, and was fascinated that I could make myself orgasm without using my hands. I began to experiment with lucid dreaming and out of body experiences, and soon found myself spending hours in trance. I discovered more extreme files on porn sites, and things quickly devolved into sissy hypnosis and a subsequent multi-year spiral of self-loathing, shame, and despair. I recently woke up; I somehow snapped out of it all at once and rose out of the depths and back into reality. Now I feel compelled to help others and to seek support online and with the help of my mental health providers. I am determined to be done with this scourge forever. Those are the basics… I'd also like to share some background on what I think made me vulnerable to these videos. Personal Risk factors: 1) I grew up in a home of unspoken and untreated mental illness where the primary currency was shame. All conflicts centered around assigning blame and forcing shame on whoever had done wrong. Misdeeds were rarely forgotten. 2) I reacted to this environment by using shame as a motivator. My academic success was based on a deep conviction that I was somehow unworthy of the respect of my peers and superiors, and that I was going to be found out as a fake. I sought to overcome the shame through hard work and achievement, which has gotten me very far in life. I often found myself sabotaging one or another small task in order to maintain the background sense of shame which I felt drove me to succeed. 3) I have always had a fetish for transformation. As a child, I would get turned on when characters on TV turned into animals, switched bodies, etc. In college, I discovered transgender pornography and became deeply confused about my sexuality, though never acted on it. I identify as a straight male, and am not attracted to the male gender or the male body. I love my wife and am attracted to women. I am not interested in dating transgendered women; there is just something taboo about a woman with a penis that I find erotic. Every few years I would buy a sex toy and once again be reminded that I am not interested in penetrative anal sex. I resigned myself to the knowledge that this part of my brain is simply wired funny and in a way that was not practical for day to day life. I called it a fetish, associated it with shame, and resolved to take this secret to my grave. How it played out Once things got going, I would spend hours looking for videos that involved hypnosis about sex with women with penises but which did not mention gender transition/addiction. I never quite found what I was looking for, but was exposed to a lot of material. At first I would immediately click out of the more destructive files, but would occasionally find myself springing awake 30 minutes into a 60 minute video, realizing that it was harmful or included suggestions I didn’t want. Over time I found myself dabbling in ever more destructive files, and at some point I completely lost control and watched it all. Multiple tabs open with binaural beats, layered audio, and video all interlaced. Hundreds of hours. So much shame. I disappeared completely a couple of years ago. My marriage had been struggling for a while but it suddenly fell off a cliff. I lost motivation, joy, and purpose and wound up in a deep depression. I abused alcohol and THC. I blamed the relationship troubles on my wife and thought of my addiction as a harmless mode of escape. I thought I was somehow in control because I wasn’t actively dressing up, sending fem-doms money, or finding other sex partners. I became a zombie at work, and while I never wavered in my duty to my patients, my relationships with coworkers and superiors suffered drastically. I had a series of terrible arguments with my parents and siblings and have gone years without speaking to them. My marriage completely imploded, and we became loveless strangers. I did all my hypnosis on the couch in our living room; the same spot where we spent our evening times and argued incessantly. I didn’t realize that the couch had become a bottomless pit from which there was no escape and where only bad things happened. We stopped going places, seeing our friends, or having sex. Whenever we had to run errands, I complained that I wanted to just hang out on the couch. I avoided sex by saying that I had ED. I became angry, irritated, and verbally abusive when asked to do anything other than sit on the couch. Bills piled up, chores went undone. My wife resorted to more drastic measures to get my attention, which led to more arguments, shame, and secrecy. She knew something was wrong but didn't know what it was. Our relationship became a distorted reflection of the hypnosis: I forced her into roles she never asked for, then blamed her for inhabiting them. I abdicated responsibility and left her to shoulder both our lives, all while criticizing the job she did at it. Things started to change earlier this year when I was forced to spend a month away from hypnosis due to external reasons. My mood improved, my anxiety faded, and I felt in control. However, once it was available again I fell back in, though at a reduced rate. I got it down to once a week, eventually stopped listening to anything with spoken words, and started listening to reversal videos (I DO NOT RECOMMEND THESE STEPS, and instead recommend full and immediate cessation of all activity). Unfortunately, my wife moved out during this time and I now find myself alone. While this is tragic and heartbreaking, the experience of living in an empty house has made me realize the real and overwhelming toll sissy hypnosis took on my life. I am lucky that I was able to complete my residency, but I look behind me and see nothing but scorched earth. Waking Up Last week I woke up for the first time in years. It's been a couple months since she left, and I was sitting on the couch. I had a sensation that I was hypnotized but hadn’t watched anything for a couple weeks. All at once it dawned on me that I HAD BEEN HYPNOTIZED THE WHOLE TIME, and started repeating “Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!” over and over again in my mind and out loud. Like a rocket, I felt myself shoot out of the depths. It was an experience like I’ve never had before, and one of the best and most tragic moments of my life. I was suddenly sitting in a living room that felt like a faraway place I had forgotten about. I was present. I felt overwhelming joy for being back, inconceivable sadness for the time and relationships lost, and determination never to go back. Since then, I have taken steps to ensure that this chapter is over. I told my wife, our couple’s therapist, and my individual therapist about all of this. I turned the couch around, flipped up the cushions, and laid a barstool across it (I am sitting on the floor as I write this). I have spent as much time as I can outside the house. I am determined to end this addiction and for the duration of my reboot will additionally avoid silent, personal meditation in favor of focusing on being present at all times. I constantly imagine a concrete floor under me on which I will always stand. And I’m here on this website to ask for support from the community. My reboot started when I woke up. I am done with shame, and for the first time in my life I feel none. While I’m sad about the things that have happened and incomprehensibly sorry that I put my wife through this, I have let go of the deep feelings of shame that have defined my life so far. It's only been 2 days since I told my wife, and I expect that the impending weeks and months will be very difficult emotionally. She has so far handled it very well, but I suspect that there may be too much damage to reconcile; she’s living someplace else and we have no idea how this will play out. I hope this reboot helps me to separate her from the shame. Over the last couple of days we’ve talked on the phone and laughed like we haven’t in years; I feel like I’m myself again and can see her with the love I felt when we first met. It’s been missing for so long; I hope it’s not too late. Either way, I'm just glad I'm awake. Conclusion That's my story. I just want to reiterate that these videos are 100% dangerous and serve no useful purpose. If you're watching them and think you're in control, you're wrong. If you think they're helping you discover your true self, you're wrong. Avoid reversal hypnosis, as any hypnotic state is likely to be reinforcing regardless of its content. Live in the present, feel yourself in your body, feel the floor underneath you, and know that you're going to be okay. Take deep breaths and tell yourself as many times as you can that you're here, you're awake, you're not going anywhere, you're yourself, and you're okay. Repeat until this part of your life feels so remote that you forget why you're saying it, then keep saying it anyway. You've got this. I've got this.